Begging For Change

The first time that I ever voted was during the Gore/Bush race where Gore basically got ripped off, more or less.  That was in 2000 and I was 33... and although pitiful that I waited that long to get involved in the political arena and voted, I was much happier then.

The movie 2012, as over-the-top ridiculous as it was, seems less so now, with the state of the world.  Wars and fighting, the economy of every country, religion, hunger, etc... all paint a pretty grim picture not only for the future generations, but for us as well currently.  Throw into it that the government structure is corrupt, over indulgent, greedy and mostly ineffective and it seems like any hope of change is futile and unrealistic.  And while I am a registered Democrat, I support the party that wants to step up to the plate and solve some of this, albeit Democrat or, ugh.... Republican.  But all it seems like happens is mud-slinging and purposely derailing any inititive.  To want to throw your hands up in the air, give up and tune it all out, sadly, seems like the most productive solution for sanity.

Today I saw a sticker on a truck that said "Thank you, President Bush"... for what, I thought (in a loud, scream)?  Adding some insight was the Reagan sticker below that one... and it started to make more sense to me.  I pride myself on being an adult.  So, even through the 8 disasterous years of the Bush era, had it made sense to march into the firey pits of hell to advance the country, I would have.  I wish that Republicans would do the same thing.  Sometimes I think... maybe watching normal news instead of Fox... or Rachel Maddow, John Stewart, Chelsea Handler, Bill Maher and the like isn't helping my disposition towards the world right now, although they do make me laugh at it, however I don't mind being put in check if I'm wrong.  The alternative... Beck, Palin,  Limbaugh, etc. doesn't seem like it'd help... just a hunch.  When I see a sticker like that still on a car, despite his terms going down in history as the absolute worse and him with the lowest approval rating and the state of the country that he  left... are these people fucking stupid, or what?  Or just too stubborn to admit that they were wrong?

I'm still on the fence about some of the things that the President is doing, but I have to believe that he knows what he is doing.  You can't please all of the people all of the time and you can't take eight years of destruction and fix it over night, especially with unemployment.  And maybe if we were a nation that didn't have a superiority complex and would actually do jobs instead of being unemployed, especially ones that we think are below us, then maybe we wouldn't have such a high rate.  And then get mad at a Mexican for doing it... it doesn't make any sense... you can't have it both ways.  Coming from a person who has done service jobs all my life, I can tell you that I am doing just fine because I don't think that I'm better than anyone else.

I have adopted a new mantra... be part of the solution instead of the problem.   I was reading an article in TIME magazine that gave me some new-found optimism and a new insight to what's going on.  The article was titled How the Stimulus Is Changing America.  The Republicans are eager to label and judge the stimulus effort as a job creating bill, which it is to a degree (creating 3 million jobs) and, with the current unemployment rate, maybe it's not giving the people in this country that need instant gratification, any immediate satisfaction.  But it's so much more than that... and how it will change the country for the future, you have to realize that it is for the future that it's designed... and much-needed.  In fact, it's the most ambitious energy legislation  in history, pouring $90 billion into clean energy including investments in a smart grid, energy efficiency, electric cars, renewable power from the sun, wind and earth, cleaner coal, advanced biofuels, and building factories to manufacture green stuff here in the U.S.  Here are some of the not-so-immediate things it is trying to accomplish:

- Effort to weatherize homes, trade in cars and appliances
- Triple the number of smart electric meters in homes
- Quadruple the number of hybrids in the Federal auto fleet
- Tenfold increase in funding to expand access to broadband
- High-speed passenger rail network
- Race to the Top grants to promote accountability in public schools
- Move health records into the digital age, reducing errors and drug interactions
- Back fit 75% of federal buildings to be energy efficient
- Cut electric auto batteries by 50%, making them just as cheap as gas counterparts

Polls suggest that the actual contents of the Recovery Act are popular, but the idea of the stimulus itself remains a toxic subject.  Today it's judged by jobs... but in ten years, it'll be judged by whether it transformed our economy.  Right in the definition of  Conservative is their inability or non-desire for change of any kind.  The opposite is written about Liberals.  Obama, in his acceptance speech, offered Hope and Change... not Hope FOR Change.  Doing nothing to do your part to support your President and country and bucking and sabotaging progress... isn't going to get you anywhere except sitting on your couch hoping for change... and possibly begging for it on the streets.

No New Tricks Taught

There's an undeniable connection between Jesse and me that I think will always be there.  It's something that I have never understood and, being a person that has to have things defined and labled, whether it be friendships or job roles or whatever, it's how I am made up.  Some of that comes from my episode of sexual harrassment when I was younger... and it helps me, more so, to keep other people in check.  I have had situations where people who were supposedly my friend do something that was out of the boundries of our defined relationship, and then I get hurt.  I feel like I'm a very trusting person and give a lot right off-the-bat whereas other people hold back in what they give until they can trust... with me, if you say you are my friend, then act like it... or if I'm in a relationship, then act like it, etc...  Innocent until proven guilty rather than the other way around.  And although that method throws the responsibility back on the other person to manage, I still wind up managing it myself, probably more so... it's just how I am wired.

I was brought up with very traditional parents in an odd situation, being adopted.  There are mixed messages that I have had to sort through (one set of parents didn't want me and one set chose to), and I am fortunate, knowing what a mess my birth parents were, that my adoptive parents were so basic and straightforward and traditional.  In molding myself, I have used them as my guide... my Mom stayed home and took care of us (my caregiver tendencies) and my Dad did his job as the man of the house and worked hard (strong work ethic).  I can't, no matter how much I have tried over the years, have a different perspective on what a relationship is or isn't.  I am in a rut in my mind and I don't think that will ever change with a new concept.

Having said all that, with the age difference between us (and with my caregiver tendencies), I can't help but fall into the parent role whether he asks for it or wants it.  It's something that I take on and there are definitely times where he needs it, whether he wants to admit it or not.  It's something that I provide and it comes automatically with my relationship experience over the years and who I am.  Sadly, with all that I have been taking care of with my family, it's a double-edged sword sometimes and it becomes overwhelming.  I also have to wonder when someone will take care of me, even if I don't allow them to or won't give up the reigns which, when I feel like they can responsibly handle it, I do.  My relationship with my ex, John, was like that, where I trusted him enough to take care of me.  No matter how I try, I don't think that I will ever feel that with Jesse at his age, and I'm not getting any younger... and that's something that I need as I do get older.  Between all that and just a total difference in where we are in our lives and interests and friends/social situations, I don't see a future for us, and as long as we have tried this over and over, I have only seen glimpses of hope throughout.  And while I thought that I would be able to just go along with it blindly, just having fun and letting love be enough despite, I can't.

It's an odd situation with us... and we keep getting drawn together through some mysterious force.  Is it true love?  Soulmates?  Or is it that we just fill some need that we have.  And while he is living his life as any other 24 year old would, I am living mine in my age bracket and never the two shall meet.  I can't expect him to understand the things that I am going through and, although I lived through his age, I think that I did it when I was about 17 and don't remember anything about it or how it works.  I thought that things might have changed with him growing up more since last time and me trying to be in a different frame of mind about wanting less out of a relationship, but neither is happening and I'm not sure it should.

For me, I am very happy that I am even interested in a relationship at this point, epecially after a few years of being jaded... not that I'm going to run out and get into one any time soon.  There are a few things that I want to do at this point, but it feels good to have an open heart again.

I'm not sure what this means for us as far as our friendship beyond this... it seems like it's always been all or nothing.  We've tried being just friends in the past, but it's hard.  Jesse has the biggest heart and an innocence about him... he is smart and funny, kind and beautiful, inside and out... and that all makes him totally loveable... which is something I will always do... love him.

Ho-Hum

Yesterday was a lacklustre day.  It got well into the 90's, and I was able to get all the plants and bushes planted before it got too hot out.  Tomorrow, I will bring the mulch in... and today, I'm trying to get an early start at the Marriott before it gets too hot.

Friends of mine (Bill and Jay) have sold their house and their trailer at camp and are moving to Ft. Lauderdale.  They purchased a condo last year and fixed it up and decided that they like it there better, including the weather.  They had a little party last night for everyone.  Although they aren't really really close friends of mine, they are the social connection in Pittsburgh, chairing many charity events, fundraisers and great holiday parties as well.  They will be sorely missed, and hopefully I'll see them in Florida.

I have decided to go down to camp for Labor Day.  All my friends will be there and it very well might be the last hurrah of the summer.  It's also toga weekend, which was fun last year... and one of the most successful theme weekends.  That will probably be my last trip down there this year.  And while I'm about to start to study for my massage test during the Fall, I may just open a practice here instead and skip camp all together.

If we got rid of Mondays, I supposed that Tuesday would become the new Monday?

Craftiness

Yesterday, after I went to the nursery to pick out 30 plants and shrubs for the job I'm doing and dropped them off and placed them, I headed over to the Shaker Woods Festival, right over the Pennsylvania border in Ohio.  Both Jesse and his Mom and Julie and her Mom and daughter, Kayleigh were there (coincidentally).  Filled with tradional Shaker craftsmen in authentic Shaker clothing, it's a trail that meanders through the woods where local artisans have shops set up to sell their crafts.

I'm not really one for down-home country bric-a-brac and whatnot, so I really didn't see much that I liked and half of it I wouldn't buy and put in my house and the other half I could make in my basement myself, since I'm crafty like that, but then I wouldn't put it in my house anyway.  Maybe I could open my own shop and wear knickers... but I don't go for that sort of thing though... and I probably would have to change my name to Yusef.

What I did like was the food.  I had a grilled weenus (for the novice, that's bigger than a weiner, but smaller than Ron Jeremy, the porn star), a corndog and homemade apple crisp with vanilla ice cream.  Yummy!  With the onset of fall and all the different festivals coming up (followed by the holidays), I think the idea of a diet regimen is futile.  Fortunately, I'm still doing some jobs that are eating up some calories, but obviously, my intake needs curbed.  I haven't given up entirely yet.

Jesse and I sat down and had one artisan do our caricature, which I was highly opposed to.  With my elongated head, Italian nose, squirrel cheeks and receeding (or exceeding, really) forehead, I might as well have painted a bullseye target smack in the middle of my head... I was asking for trouble where trouble already found it's place.  I'm the one on the left, with the big, long, giraffe neck... and interestingly enough, since I don't have a visible adams apple, she must have taken artistic license to draw one in anyway.  Still, I think that it came out fairly well, despite... and I suppose it's better than a 'Wanted' poster.

A few altercations in the fried pickle/kettlecorn line, some quizzical patronizing of the local redneck fair and accusing a (supposedly pregnant) woman standing in front of a booth that made decorative gourdes of stealing one up her blouse (I wondered if she'd name her baby Gordon, after that)... and we were able to get out unscathed, all having a good time.

All in a Days Work

What could be worse than staring a 7 ton pile of topsoil in face?... staring at my brother standing next to the 7 ton pile of topsoil staring me in the face.  Against my better judgement, I hired my brother to come help me today.  Big mistake... HUGE!  After having some sort of stomach bug last night and having to leave work, then dealing with his addict girlfriend sleeping with his friend and having to throw her out in the middle of the night, then being up until 5 a.m. when he knew we were doing this today... starting the project off this morning wasn't even the half of it.  Add to it a splinter, throwing up, peeing several times in the woods for 20 minutes at a time, smoking half a pack of cigarettes, a charlie horse (reoccurring several times), needing a sugar drink, drinking water, and excessive talking throughout to any neighbor that would listen... and you can see that I should have just done it myself.  My brother has diarrhea of the mouth and never ever ever shuts up. 

On the good side, we moved the pile and finished what I wanted to get done.  I lost 4 pounds over the last couple of days and my ass, from pushing the dirt up hill, is hanging more in the vicinity where it originated and not down by the back of my knees, so that's all good.  Also, the next door neighbor wants pretty much the same thing done, so I may have another job.  Tomorrow, I have to plant a bunch of shrubs and plants and I still have to mulch and build the lattice barrier.  All in a days work.

It's Nano Your Business What I'm Listening To...

Last night, I sent a text to Robin (Jesse's brother's girlfriend's Mom) to say hi and it turned out she was driving by where I was, so we met for coffee and a little chit-chat.  Sensing I was a little down in the dumps, she lent me a CD that she just got that day (like, how incredibly nice is that, on the day that she got it).

If I had to pick a Cat Stevens song to save my life, I'd be dead... but after listening to it, I recognized a few, like Morning Has Broken and the one below, which I thought was very appropriate for our conversation topics... plus, I think that I just saw it on an ad on TV for something... and, he's kind of cute.  Thanks for the coffee, your ear and the lending me your CD, Robin... I'll get it back to you soon.  Here's If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out...

YUM !! (Water Boys)

Ugh

About 6 months ago, I showed my Dad's house to this nice couple but they thought that the yard was too big and didn't want to do the maintenance.  Two weeks ago, I got a call out of the blue from them to come take a look at some landscaping work and inside electrical, etc., so I did.  This morning, I started on that job and other than the weather being cool and beautiful, everything else was a disaster. 

I first had to edge out all the beds around the house and rake the ugly marble chips that they had into one area, since they were spread sparsely.  One of the main reasons for having the work done was that the house was getting water in the basement because the outside beds were sloped towards the house, instead of away.  So I ordered 7 yards of topsoil (probably too much) and had it delivered.  Meanwhile, the entire front yard is on a steep slope and after shoveling not even half of it up today, having to leave the other half on the side of the road, I am about to die of exhaustion from heaving it up the yard.  At one point, I was so tired, I picked up the wheelbarrow too high and the front bracket caught the ground... now picture it... me getting a running head start... the front catching... (wait for it) ... and me going right in between the two handles, up and over the wheelbarrow and landing in the spilled, dusty dirt.  All I could do was laugh (since I was too dehydrated to cry)... and quit for the day.  I also have about 15 bushes and plants to plant and they want a lattice barrier around their porch for privacy.  After all that, then comes the mulch. 

A job that seemed to be a fluke thing has turned into a major job.  You never know.  I'm trying to get some help for tomorrow but, so far, no luck.  Looks like I'll be fighting with another 4-5 yards of topsoil tomorrow.

Progress

It's been a slow process getting back to into the groove of things since I got back.  The Marriott took me two days, partly since it was overgrown with weeds and dying plants that needed trimmed or pulled, and partly since I've been unnecessarily tired, mainly from not doing anything.  Over the next couple of days, I have a project to complete for some people that stopped by my Dad's house to buy it, saved my name and number and called me to do some work for them.  Fortunately, it's only supposed to be 70 degrees today, so that's working in my favor.  But there's a 7 yard pile of topsoil with my name on it that has to be moved up their back yard that I'm not really looking forward to doing.  I'm trying to stay busy though... and I have a few other projects and mini-trips that I want to take (Philly and Cedar Point) that should take me up to the house closing.  After that, who knows.  They did a radon test at the house and a termite inspection and they did find some carpenter ants that have to be treated, but other than that, everything is going along on schedule for the September 24th closing.  My Marriott contract will run until Halloween and then nothing until next year, which I am fairly certain I will get that contract again.

I love this time of year... flea markets and Octoberfests and Applebutter Festivals and pumpkins... and kids in school.  It's a great time to be outdoors and to be physical, taking bike rides and hikes.  I always get energized in the Fall.  I wish we had a longer Fall... I heard that it's supposed to be a mild Winter... and after last years snow dump, we can use it.

Charmed, I'm Sure

I've always thought about getting a tattoo but never knew what I'd get, so I never did.  I didn't want to be one of those people that got something typical, like a butterfly, Garfield or a skull.  I wanted mine to have some sort of meaning, and the closest that I've ever gotten to coming up with something was this scrawl in the picture that looks like Shelby, my dog who died.  I also used to like Calvin and Hobbes... and Tigger and Pooh.

Lately, I've been thinking about some sort of tribal band, but having it in segments, with different things pertinent to major things that happened in my life... like, three lines to represent the three rivers in Pittsburgh... and maybe a poker chip to represent my move to Vegas... a triangle to represent being a gay... a tree for my landscaping business... and a hand to represent my massage experience, etc.  It would be kind of like a charm band and I could add to it as other major things happen and mold me throughout the rest of my life.  Since I've never had one before and don't know how much pain I'm going to incur, I may just cut some shit out of my history and hope that nothing else major happens in my life.  Shitty to have to endure it in my life then get it pricked into my arm (or ass).

It's Nano Your Business What I'm Listening To...

I watched a very disturbing documentary from Vanguard about the proposed passing of a law in Uganda that would make homosexuality not only illegal with life in prison as punishment, but death in some instances as well.  Apparently after a string of American Evangelical preachers couldn't get anyone to listen to their crap here, they went down there and got paid to speak their rubbish... and sadly, they were too stupid to understand how ridiculous it was what they were preaching, especially the part about gays recruiting and going after the youth... meanwhile, statistics show that 96% of pedophile situations are straight males. 

If I hear one more person say 'the gay agenda' or the 'gay lifestyle', I'm going to scream.  The only agenda that I have is to be treated like anyone else and not get beat the fuck up... and as far as a lifestyle, this is clearly not one that anyone would choose willingly if given the choice.  All the smoke and mirrors crap that, especially, the Republicans use to get the gay issues to the forefront so they can scare their followers into thinking that whether a gay marries a gay is much more pressing than taxes or war or unemployment and that we are trying to derail the family model... ah, I think that people are doing that pretty well on their own without our help. 

Good grief... wise up people.  A recent poll showed that 20% of American people still think that Obama is a Muslim... and the same percentage of Americans can't point out the United States on a map, believe in witches, believe the sun revolves around the earth, believe that the lottery is a sound financial investment, urinate in pools, believe in alien abductions, don't use the internet and don't even know who we fought for our indepence from (Russia?  wtf?)... we're doomed.  And somehow, these people have a say in my life and what I can and can't do.

... Anyway, here's the gay anthem I was listening to...

Home Sweet(s) Home

I’m very happy to be back at home. Always looking for a life lesson of some sort from my experiences, I learned from this trip that my eating habits are horrible and I’m out of shape. I’ve had a membership to a gym right across the street from my house for a few years now, but never go. I’m not sure what psychological thing that we go through that we’d pay for it month after month rather than canceling it when we don’t go… maybe we rationalize that if we cancel it, it’s somehow even worse than having it and not going? $45.00/month later and a big belly to show, I drive by it several times a day.

My nature is very cyclical in that when I’m doing something, it’s either all or nothing. I am either very committed or very much not. A stumbling block for me is my link to food and stress, with the levels of each running parallel. When I’m stressed and running all over, I don’t take time to eat right, sometimes eating out several times a day. There’s also a financial stigma attached as well… bad food just costs less. I’m not sure why, when you remove the fat, sugar, carbs, etc. and are getting less substance, it costs more. Nothing is a better example of this than water. It kills me to pay for water. And if I get a hamburger, the same goes for not getting the bun. It just seems like you’re not getting your money’s worth.

I am well aware of what to eat and not to, and yet I still put this crap into my body. For me, sugar and caffeine are the two biggies. I crave sugar like Whitney Houston craves crack, and we both denounce it as ‘whack’, but still ingest it. Smarties, gummy bears, M&M’s… all part of my arsenal against my good health.  It calls to me.

I’ve often though that if I bought a Jeep that I could be that guy that has a backpack in the back filled with things like a hang-glider or running shoes or repelling ropes… able to engage in some activity at any given moment… but, instead, you’d probably find a Ho-Ho somewhere in the glove compartment or worse, the empty wrapper.

I’m not programmed to be selfish but, rather, a giver. Therefore, I spend much of my time doing for others. I rationalize working on my body as being self-centered and shy away from it… or is that just an excuse for being lazy? How can something that has so many benefits (better health, more energy, less depression, etc.) be so hard for us to get up and do? Sadly, when I do make some progress and see results, I usually quit. I’ve never been able to make eating and exercising my lifestyle like stress and sugar binging, which comes so easily.

And so, with time on my hands and a reduction in stress lately, I’ll post this: I’d like to eat healthier and exercise more. I will start my ‘blatant’ diet today. By ‘blatant’, I will be cutting out anything that is blatantly unhealthy, like sugar and pop and baked goods… and will drink water, make smarter choices in meals and become more active. Now that the weather will be changing, I have no excuse. Will I be able to do it?... err.. rather, I WILL be able to do it. I will start by throwing out the ¼ pound of candy that I have in my laptop bag…

Orlando Overnight

I checked into my overnight hotel in Orlando, the Crowne Plaza.  They upgraded me to a Jr. Suite, so the room is really nice.  It's right next door to Wet 'n Wild and down the road from Universal Studios Theme Park... about a mile and a half.  Since I had the gift certificates, I decided to walk up to Wet 'n Wild which turned out to be treacherous in the 95 degree heat.  When they wouldn't take the certificates there, I wound up walking up to the main park... again, dumb move.  By the time I got there, I was drenched, parched and ready to fall over.  I had a nice afternoon there visiting some of the shops and food places, but didn't go in to ride rides.  Meanwhile, one of the gift certificates didn't process when Elaine got them at Giant Eagle... and needless to say, I took a cab back in lieu of dying of heat exhaustion.  I thought about heading over to the outlet mall, and did, but just as I got there, it pretty much looked like the world was coming to an end with the looming storm, so I turned around.  I'm looking forward to a cold shower and cold sheets on my fluffy bed in my overly air-condioned hotel room.  I'm up at 4 a.m. to catch my flight. 

I am officially over Summer.  Bring on the cooler weather... where, at home, it's going to be mid-seventies tomorrow.... there's no place like home.

Leaving Daytona

Yesterday was a day of hodge-podge activities... after Barnes and Noble, I went to the Daytona Flea Market... which was filled with a bunch of junk and it was very hot... so I went over to the Mall and had lunch and shopped a bit  Then I just hung around at the house while it poured down rain waiting for David to get done working... and we got ready and went to Red Robin for dinner and met his friends out at a local gay bar, but it was pretty beat out everywhere.  I guess it's dead in the off season without the local colleges being in session and tourists.

Today, I am leaving for Orlando, which is a little over an hour and a half away.  My flight out tomorrow morning is at 7:00, so I figured it would be better to just get a room near the airport.  I have to stop by Universal to use a gift certificate that Elaine gave me, and since I'm only a half mile away from Wet 'n Wild, I'll just walk up there for a bit later today.  There's a good mall near the hotel as well, but mainly I'll be decompressing at the hotel all night, having to be up around 5 tomorrow morning to return the car off-site, etc.

I love traveling, but as I get older, I like to only be away about 4 days or so... then I get antsy to get back... partly because I'm worried what my Dad's getting into, but partly because I am a creature of habit and like my surroundings (I miss my woobie).  I had a great time here and I'm so glad that I got to see David again, being that 2004 was the last time we got together.  I'm really appreciative that he put me up at his house and was able to hang out with me so much this week.  It was definitely the break that I needed from home.

Animal Kingdom Safari

America's Oldest City

Today, David and I went to historic St. Augustine (est. 1565) where we toured the fort at Castillo de San Marcos.  For many years, it was the northernmost outpost of Spain's vast New World Empire, and it is the oldest masonry fort and best-preserved esample of a Spanish colonial fortification in the continental United States.  Ground was broken in 1672 and the fort was finished 23 years later.  The town was very quaint, much like Key West or Savannah, and we walked through town and browsed the shops.

Start Wine-ing

I've never been a wine or beer drinker, which is kind of funny since I'm a trained bartender.  I've done some research on the different varieties, but never really drank much of either of them.  Today on the way back from St. Augustine, America's first city and also the first vineyard, we stopped and had a wine tasting at San Sebastian Winery.

I was going to just stand back and watch my friend David, but I decided to participate instead.  After reviewing the 5 "S's" of wine tasting.... See, Swirl, Smell, Sip, and Savor... we gathered around the table and sampled their Reserva, Castillo Red, Rosa, Vintner's White, Port and Cream Sherry.  Whether it's coffee, beer, wine, liquor or vodka... the more fruity and sweet, the better for me, so it was no surprise that the Sherry was my favorite.  Still, I can't see myself buying any and enjoying it.  I just don't have the tastebuds for it... as much as I try, but I'm glad I did it.

Protest With a Smile

In our fight for equality, you know the gays have to insert some humor...  we're just so darned funny...

Outside, Looking In

My friend David had to work today, so I went to the beach by myself.  Between being at the pool at camp and being outside doing landscaping, I've been outside in the sun so much this year that I feel like I've had enough for the summer.  Adding to it down here is the humidity, with the heat index at 111 degrees today.  So when I got to the beach, I didn't feel much like laying out or getting in the water, so I took a short walk and then just sat down and watched people for a while.

My family used to go to Myrtle Beach every year, back to the year that I was born, so I grew up on the beach and in the water.  Today, I sat down on the sand and just watched the families and the kids and couldn't help reflecting back to my childhood when that was me on the beach.  I've had so many great memories... meeting friends and girls... hanging out with my family... splashing in the water... and making sandcastles, to name a few.  Sitting there, I couldn't help but feel like the fabulous Miss Bette Davis as the troubled, once famous child star, Baby Jane Hudson, in the last scene of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, where she was sitting on the beach, not realizing that she's not a little girl eating an ice cream, dancing on the beach in her pretty frock any more.  Instead, she's a dried up, has-been old hag that can't accept her fate. 

'Youth is wasted on the young' is perhaps the most profound saying ever muttered.  If I would have known then what I know now, I would have, at the very least, paid attention to every moment.  Thinking that you have plenty of time is obviously a lesson that you wished you had learned earlier than you actually did. I saw myself a half dozen times... I miss being a boy.  Is there anyone that wouldn't want to do it all over again if given the chance?