Are we really capable of moving on from a situation? No matter how much thought, meditation, talking it through with friends or therapy, do you ever feel like you believe what you are resolved to think about something? When a loved one passes, you cry, mourn, have heart-ache, reminisce... and you think that you move forward, but then all it takes is something familiar... a special day, a smell, a song... and you're right back there like the person isn't gone. A bad memory perhaps... you were bullied as a kid and, now, someone puts their hand on your shoulder and you are instantly taken back to that exact moment, full of fright or anger.
I recently was dating a great guy, Giuseppe, who really had his shit together... on paper, it all seemed perfect. But in my heart, I was not able to make a connection with him and broke it off before I hurt him. And while 4 or 5 weeks isn't really a long time to establish feelings for someone, in other instances, your heart skips a beat the moment you see or meet someone. Sadly, you can't force a connection with someone, no matter how much sense it makes or what a great situation it is... or how fantastic the person. With so many variables going into attraction, it's a wonder how you can mesh with anyone, and yet, it happens. But, it's that one connection that you have that's so dynamic... which is sometimes a once in a lifetime happening... that you measure all others.
The first time I ever saw Jesse, it was at camp and I was probably 500 feet from him. I knew right then and there. I felt it. Throughout our tumultuous relationship, there was never a time where he wasn't with me, in my heart, where I didn't feel his presence. The good times were great and the bad times were even good. And yet, the relationship, through several attempts, never worked, even in variations on the definition of 'relationship'. Perhaps it was our age difference... our difference in life and relationship experience... living situations... or whatever else. Like trying to drive a car down a rutted road, no matter how many times you back up and try it again, you still end up in the ruts in the end. Our relationship was a recipe for disaster... and our love, tragic. Factoring in who we are as people and our invidual situations, it just doesn't seem to work, despite our efforts... despite the connection that we have... despite our deep love... despite everything else. Feelings flood, logic goes out the window and we're paralyzed. Not such a bad place to be, caught in a moment in time, but you can't live there.
I was able to talk with my friend Robin last night, who is literally our biggest fan. Setting aside my blame and ego, I learned many things about him, me and us. And while there's nothing that I would want to do more than run down there right now, hold him and never let him go, I realize that I have to do just the opposite. My holding him only holds him down. My helping him only holds him back. We both grow a great deal when we're apart, which is what glaringly tells me that we can't derail each other any more. Letting him go is the biggest show of love that I can do. With one text from one to another, it starts a collapse on both sides and we can't do that to each other any more.
Although I am at peace and resolve with this right now, I don't know how many more relationships will be derailed as a result of my connection with him. I look at his picture and I melt, much less seeing him in person. Currently, he is doing very well. It saddens me that I will never get to see that. It saddens me that I will never get to really know him. And while I know that I have to find a way to move forward, I will forever be back there.
all of us have done the toxic relationship thing david I did with an ex...and it took me a period of soul searching and newly found maturity ( learnt when I met chris)before I realised just why I had put up with so many bad things for so long. The reason that toxic relationships continue is that YOU LET THEM CONTINUE.... when you realise that they just dont work, then you will move on and enjoy the guiseppe s of this world.
By posting a photo of Jesse , means I feel, you have yet to move forward.......
Wow, David – that makes me so sad that you have resolved to let Jesse go. I know it’s something you’ve been wrestling with for a long time but it sounds like you really have your mind made up this time. But what’s Jesse’s take on the whole situation? Does he know your feelings are still there? If the connection is that deep, I just don’t see how you both can’t make it work…….I can only speak from my experience, but I was lucky enough to fall into something with John that required very LITTLE work. And that’s what made it so enjoyable……it was like for the first time in my life, I could be 100% who I am without having to put on a show. Is it like that with Jesse and you’re just trying to change it to match the picture in your mind of what its “supposed” to be?
It’s easy for an outside observer to make recommendations since they’re so far removed……….I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but I do know your feelings for him and they certainly seem reciprocal. Like you said, maybe the biggest gift you can give him is letting him go, but what about you?
I've been where you are, David. More times than I care to remember. Ronan Keating sums up the experience for me, however:
Scars are warning signs left behind from choices that we made. Scars follow you home and they won't let go They're with you to the grave Everybody has regrets, wounds they wish would heal Clocks that won't reset
Scars are simply lessons learned, bridges that we've burned So we won't go back Scars show me where I've been, where I shouldn't go again Keep my heart on track I'm sure, sure before too long I'll have another souvenir From somewhere that went wrong
But I wouldn't change a thing They're such a part of me They make me who I am No apologies for these scars
I was able to talk with my friend Robin last night, who is literally our biggest fan. Setting aside my blame and ego, I learned many things about him, me and us. And while there's nothing that I would want to do more than run down there right now, hold him and never let him go, I realize that I have to do just the opposite. My holding him only holds him down. My helping him only holds him back. We both grow a great deal when we're apart, which is what glaringly tells me that we can't derail each other any more. Letting him go is the biggest show of love that I can do. With one text from one to another, it starts a collapse on both sides and we can't do that to each other any more.
all of us have done the toxic relationship thing david
ReplyDeleteI did with an ex...and it took me a period of soul searching and newly found maturity ( learnt when I met chris)before I realised just why I had put up with so many bad things for so long.
The reason that toxic relationships continue is that YOU LET THEM CONTINUE.... when you realise that they just dont work, then you will move on and enjoy the guiseppe s of this world.
By posting a photo of Jesse , means I feel, you have yet to move forward.......
Wow, David – that makes me so sad that you have resolved to let Jesse go. I know it’s something you’ve been wrestling with for a long time but it sounds like you really have your mind made up this time. But what’s Jesse’s take on the whole situation? Does he know your feelings are still there? If the connection is that deep, I just don’t see how you both can’t make it work…….I can only speak from my experience, but I was lucky enough to fall into something with John that required very LITTLE work. And that’s what made it so enjoyable……it was like for the first time in my life, I could be 100% who I am without having to put on a show. Is it like that with Jesse and you’re just trying to change it to match the picture in your mind of what its “supposed” to be?
ReplyDeleteIt’s easy for an outside observer to make recommendations since they’re so far removed……….I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but I do know your feelings for him and they certainly seem reciprocal. Like you said, maybe the biggest gift you can give him is letting him go, but what about you?
Today’s “devil’s advocate”,
Julie
I've been where you are, David. More times than I care to remember. Ronan Keating sums up the experience for me, however:
ReplyDeleteScars are warning signs left behind from choices that we made.
Scars follow you home and they won't let go
They're with you to the grave
Everybody has regrets, wounds they wish would heal
Clocks that won't reset
Scars are simply lessons learned, bridges that we've burned
So we won't go back
Scars show me where I've been, where I shouldn't go again
Keep my heart on track
I'm sure, sure before too long I'll have another souvenir
From somewhere that went wrong
But I wouldn't change a thing
They're such a part of me
They make me who I am
No apologies for these scars
Scars...