Smoke and Mirrors

There are many ways to show love; a kiss, a certain look, a feeling, through an emotion, a gesture, a kind act, a hug, among others.  With so many ways to choose, why is our capacity to show that love so small?  Why is it so hard?  Does it make us feel vulnerable, weak, captured or subservient, again, among others?

Being adopted, I have never felt a sense of beginning, despite knowing some of the details of my biological parents and growing up in a good environment with my adoptive parents.  Still, with two starting points in life, it's hard to feel stability and foundation and I've felt like I've been just wandering through life.  It has made me detached, self-reliant and non-trusting, as I tend to keep people at arm's length.
 

While growing up, ideals are learned through experience, good and bad.  What our perception is of a situation is greatly influenced by our surroundings, but it's possible that it might be the other way around.  That we are who we are, and how we act and how what effect that has on a situation is valid.  For instance, it could be in your nature to be a jealous person, so when two friends hang out and don't include you, problems could manifest out of your jealousy.  Remove you and your jealousy, and you have to friends hanging out, so where does the problem stem from?  Or is it the other way around?  The emotional infliction of the situation changes who you are, and you experience jealousy as a result and probably hurt as well.

To say that my Mom and I weren't close is an understatement.  Whether it was not seeing eye-to-eye on my career path, choice of friends, clothing or sexual orientation... or perhaps, I suspect, a jealousy that I wasn't tied down and she was... having sensed some regret on her part.  With not driving or working, she had little outside contact beyond her family and I think she regretted some decisions made.  I was a very hyper child and my brother somewhat wild, and then there's the fact that she really wanted a girl instead of boys.  She wasn't supportive, compassionate or loving and was hands-off.  Maybe that was all my perception or maybe it was the truth.  Applying the logic from the previous paragraph, did I feel unloved because of the actions (or no action, as the case may be) of my Mom (being my perception), or am I just the kind of person that doesn't know what love is and how to receive/recognize it to begin with.  Do I push it away?

The other day, I was talking about the mess that my nephew got my Dad into as far as the $60k worth of student loans and my friend Robin commented, saying that 'it could have been you that he did that for'.  That got me thinking and the fact of the matter is that it wasn't me.  In fact, I never went to college because my parents made too much for me to get student loans and they didn't put anything away for us either, and certainly wouldn't co-sign for one at the time.  It wasn't me that my Mom did everything for (since I left home at 20 and was basically taking care of myself for a few years prior to that).  It wasn't me that my Dad gave $125k+ to over time to try to fix every problem that came down the pike.  And although I know that it's just money, it's more than that.  It's a gesture and an expression of caring for a person's situation and relieving their pressure. 

My Dad is a simple person and he doesn't say many things, and 'I love you' isn't among them. And since he's at the point where I have pretty much taken over everything that he has to worry about, he is just sort of clear minded to go about his business (playing cards, watching Price is Right and playing horseshoes).  With me doing everything for him... protecting him... sheltering him...cleaning up after him and taking care of him, it's no surprise that I'd feel like our relationship is a little one-sided.  And while I'm not soliciting an intervention or comments of support, I do need to be able to work through my thoughts, through the blog.  Putting aside my feelings of frustration from lack of respect, understanding and appreciation... and putting aside his lack of words... and putting aside things like not remembering my birthday... I look for the little things that he does do, like making me pancakes... (sadly, I can't think of anything else at this point).  When I think of all the situations that I am dragged into with my brother, every single little bump in the road becomes my problem... it's a given.  And yet, in all these years, he has never, ever inquired about how I was... what I need... how can he help me... that never comes in play.  It's like we're expected to take on his stuff and he has absolutely no connection to ours/mine.  As far as my nephew goes, he will inquire into things (how's the house sale going (since he wanted money from it), or how can he help with our bills (because he wanted to move into our third bedroom and get out of where he is now), but there's always some motivation behind it, and if not, sadly it is buried so far in doubt that I can't possibly see it if it were genuine.

I've had friends that consider me their best friend for all that I do to make them happy, to the point that I'm miserable, always putting myself last, and they don't even see it.  I've had relationships that look so loving because of the things that I do to make them that way, again, with me miserable.  And I have family relationships that, on the outside, reflect a strong family tie... all one-sided efforts... and all with me being miserable.  Is this just my perception?  For once, I'd like to be on the receiving side so I didn't have to question motives or feelings and there wasn't any doubt in my mind.  People around me know how I feel because I will either tell them or show them or both.  I don't think that I'll ever have that stability or piece of mind.