Massage Revisited

My friend Elaine goes to a day spa near here.  Last week, there was some sort of problem with the massage therapist needing off for today and the owner had a 4 person group coming in and two others.  I know the owner, so I volunteered to help her out today for 8 hours.

The last massage I have done was back over July 4th weekend.  The last woman I massaged was probably 6 years ago, so I was a little nervous.  At gay camp, being a clothing-optional resort, guys usually just come in an plop down on the table and their one-eyed monster stares at me the whole time.  I never used to allow anyone to lie there naked at my day spa, always requiring them to be covered, but I can tell you, it's a whole hell of a lot easier and the massage goes more smoothly as well.  With all the draping and blankets and long hair and titty, most of my exhaustion from the 6 massages today was just the acrobatics in being able to find the skin to massage.  And oddly, women can endure much more pain than men can, so the massages are usually deeper.  I guess carrying a 20 lb kid in one arm and a big fat purse in the other makes you pretty knotted up.  Sadly, women don't get as good a massage as men do, at least from the standpoint of flow and entire body movements.

I was dreading the day because of all that and partially because of trying to find an outfit to wear.  At camp, I could practically wear a bathing suit if I wanted... here, I had to be more professional.  I felt like I was working the Lido deck on a cruise ship.  She received great feedback from my massages and invited me to come do more, if I wanted.  I made about 25% less than I usually would have working for a day spa.  If she gets in a bind, I may help her out.  Otherwise, I will continue to work on getting my own place in the future.  It was good to do some again... I am totally exhausted.

I am taking the workshop that I took last December again next weekend.  With all that's been going on, I figured it would be a good clearing of my head.  See:  Class: Day One and Class: Day Two.  It will be interesting to take it again, with some knowledge of what's going to happen this time.  The instructor this time is supposed to be more whimsical and fun.

Ray of Light.

I found out this afternoon that the buyers got the commitment from their bank.  There has to be one or two things painted tomorrow by the buyers to satisfy the loan requirements and the appraiser has to check them and then I think we will have our closing, hopefully by mid-week, before I head to Philadelphia for a workshop next weekend.  This is great news.  Sadly, it comes on the heels of finding out that the student loans that my Dad co-signed for my nephew ($60k worth) will be calling the two of them into court next month and will probably garnish their wages (my Dad's pension). 

Gambling

Maybe you hit for a small prize, so you continue to sit there, trying to be patient... continuously putting more resources in... getting your hopes up... thinking of what a win can do for you... what it would feel like to have some breathing room.  All joy and recollection of the process is lost, replaced by the focus of the win.  You get a feeling that you're close.  Irrationally, you start putting in more resources, thinking that, with a success right on the verge, it'll make the payoff even that more great.  You want to believe in the odds, and that the system won't screw you every time.  The next thing you know, your resources are drained and you realize you've been betrayed.  You feel empty, foolish, then angry, and yet... you go back for more, and the cycle starts again.  You want to believe.  You need to believe.  You need the relief.

I suppose the previous analogy could be about gambling, but it's the cycle that I go through with my brother in his continuous and never-ending path to getting his shit together.  45 going on 14, the possibility of him ever living on his own is improbable.  He's never had to and everyone has always done for him, or picked him up.  Mentally, he's a child.  So many actions/reactions are missing either out of lack of experience, some sort of coping mechanism or a side-effect of the drug use.  The only fight that he has is to do whatever he can to get his next fix.  When he does get a job and sticks with it, the money that he earns is his worst enemy, because shortly after that, it all falls apart again.

I'm not looking to repair him and the only win that I am looking for is the relief from the craziness,  never knowing when everything is going to fall apart again.  I'm always on the defensive, not able to trust...  always having to put myself in the conniving mind, a place that makes me doubt goodness and a place that I don't want to be...  always around lies... always around and having to resort to screaming.  It makes me angry.  It challenges my patience, frustration level and judgement.

What you can't understand is the craziness if you've never been through it.  It's easy to give the advice to just walk away.  There's no where to go.  He's always there, relentless.  It will never stop, until one of us dies.  I suppose I could move my Dad far away where my brother wouldn't find us or have the resources to show up, but the few things that my Dad does have are here.  I've changed the phone numbers, only for him to find a way to get it.   I've gone to great lengths to protect my Dad's finances, but he always finds a way in.  Abandoning my Dad to deal with the monster that he created is another option to save myself, but I'd just be adding guilt to my list of things I'm dealing with.

My jackpot is peace and quiet.  The odds are against that.

Blah

This morning, against my better judgement, I was supposed to take my brother downtown to take care of some benefits paperwork.  After calling him at 8 and telling him that I'd be down in an hour, I got there and he didn't answer his phone or the door, so I left.  I went to the gym and didn't hear from him for 12 hours.  I'm done.  He just proved my point that you can't help someone who can't/don't want to help themselves.

My Dad is doing well.  He got his catheter out today and is doing fine. 

The closing on the house has been post-poned again.  I don't have any idea when the closing will be... as far as I know, they don't even have a comittment from the bank yet. 

Today was not a good day. 

Relating

When I'm visually focusing on something, it takes my mind off things and keeps my mind occupied.  I find the best way for me to get through is from point to point.  And while you'd think I was talking about getting through the roadblocks that occur, it's more the down-time that I am trying to get through.  Me and my mind alone are not a good combination.  Most people look for the down-time in between situations to cope... I think I look for the situations rather than the down-time because I am trained to solve problems, and it's easy for me.  The problem with that is that there's always something going on, naturally-occuring or self-perpetuated, and that's not good.  I have admitted that I watch too much TV.  It's one of the things that keeps my mind focused.  When the TV goes off, panic sets in.  The same goes with movies for me.  At least for an hour and a half, I'm not driving myself crazy.  The casino does the same and, recently, I have discovered Acrostics.  They are crossword puzzles.  With a series of questions, you fill in the blanks with the answer, and each letter then gets plugged into the puzzle grid by a number assigned to the letter.  The result is a quote from someone.  It's a two-way puzzle, meaning even if you don't know the answer to the question, you can back-fill the answers from words that are formed in the quote. It's very mind consuming.

This TV season, it seems like the shows that are doing the best are shows that the people can relate to.  Raising Hope, Mike and Molly, Glee and Hawaii 5-0 are among some of the better shows this year.  H 5-0 seems to have all the things necessary to make a great show... beautiful scenery, action/drama/adventure and two hot, young stars with a great comraderie reminicent of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon legacy.  It's funny and entertaining.

Tids And Bits

I'm not feeling very verbal today... I spoke (if you want to call it that) to my nephew today, who wanted me to offer payoffs on the three student loans that he roped my Dad into co-signing... so that the creditors would stop calling him.  You kind of have to know the back-story on all of that to be able to understand how much I wanted to reach into the phone and strangle him, so let's just say that the call didn't go that well.  Since he and my brother basically screwed my Dad's credit, I'm in no hurry to intervene with making payments that he's not making, especially when they aren't bugging us about it right now.  After that, I had to listen to my brother begging for money... again, backstory needed. 

My Dad went in for his surgery and is home doing well.  It will be great for him not have to get up 6 or 7 times a night to head for the bathroom.  Hopefully, he'll get a good night's sleep going forward... especially not having to get up to pick up my brother at the job that he lost.

I find myself walking around like a time bomb lately... between all those situations, what's happening with the gay teens and all the politics crap, I am very ready to take off on a month long trip... or find a good rock to climb under and hide.  Working out is providing some outlet for my anger, but I can feel myself getting ready to snap.

Let the Gaybirds Fly Free

Monday is National Coming Out Day.  With the recent gay teen suicides that have made the cover of magazines and headlines of the news, there's a lot more awareness to the growing problem, which is a good thing.  Teaching and perpetuating stereotypes to the point that someone has to take or lose their lives should not be.  I've had my share of bullying in the past but, knock on wood, never had any real problems with anyone with my being gay.  Obviously, I'm not walking down the street in a taffetta evening gown with spaghetti straps and rouching with matching peep-toe heels and handbag, but I also don't hide who I am either.  I am thankful for the people in my life that let me be me and want to be a part of it.  I am very fortunate.

Everyone says there's a 'gay agenda'... I can assure you that we're not out to overturn the bond of marriage... or recruit young people into the 'lifestyle', as people put it.  What we are pushing towards is just what everyone else has...the right to live our lives just as we are without having our lives put at risk.  And while we've made strides in obtaining equality and our basic civil rights, there's still much to be done:

Autumnfest

For one reason or another, we ended up with only a dozen people today for the Autumnfest.  It was around 80 degrees and sunny and compared to last year when it was snowing and 25 degrees, it was a very pleasant day.  And because of the weather, they had a lot more set up outside like a petting zoo, hay bale maze and hay ride, luge, outside vendors and a band.

10/10/10

Today's date supposedly only happens once every huge amount of years... and oddly, this month (Oct) has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays, which only happens every 823 years, or something like that.  Where will you be at 10:10 and 10 seconds on 10/10/10? (This post sponsored by David's useless facts and tidbits)

Serenity

Over the last couple of days with the weather being so great, I have been partaking in some local park napping in between running errands.  There's a cool breeze blowing the turning leaves on the trees and the with the sun peaking through the trees and the 80 degrees temperature... it's a perfect time to clear my head, kick my shoes off and stick my feet out the window and recline and listen to the chirping birds.  Other than a stray Stink Bug flying in the window, it's a perfect half hour break. 

I made it to the gym today for my third workout, second on upper body.  It felt so good to work through the pain that I've been feeling in the aftermath of my first two workouts.  The day spa that my friend Elaine goes to ran short on a massage therapist for an important wedding party booking, so I will be helping them out with that next Saturday.  Since generally the people in my massages are guys and nude (gay camp), it will be interesting to do a massage on a woman again, using full draping.  Just like with a doctor, it's no big deal having someone nude on my table... in fact, it makes the whole thing flow better.  Tomorrow, about 15 of us are off to the Autumnfest celebration... with another perfect weather day in store.  German bratwurst, apple dumplings and cheap drinks in the ski lodge are in my near future.

Between a Rock... and Crawling Under One

I hate to keep posting stuff under the heading 'progress', but that seems like getting small things done towards a more peaceful tomorrow is all I have been doing.  And however much, it never seems like I am making any headway.

With the recent occurances of my Dad giving my brother more money, I decided to step up my game in the war against terrorism (i.e., my brother).  This past week, my brother waited until I left the house and proceeded to start to call my Dad's cell phone number every two minutes for about 14 times.  When my Dad turned it off, he then proceeded to call the house for about the same amount of times.  Then he showed up at the door.  When that whole episode passed, a few days later, despite me telling my Dad not to give him any more money, my brother lied and pretended that he was on the phone with me and that I said it was ok to give it to him.  Instead of checking with me, My Dad just took his word for it and went and got the money.  I used to be able to tell my Dad that, because we have a joint account, that he couldn't go to the teller and get money out without me... but he found out that that wasn't true and has been going around me, mainly because he doesn't want to bother me with it and feels like he created the monster that is my brother.  With his pension check going into the account and all sorts of bill auto-pays coming out, it was hard for me to figure a way to keep him from getting at the money, especially with the pension check having to be deposited into an account with his name on it.  Yesterday, I set up a trust account at my bank, where his check goes in and the proceeds from the house will go in, but he can't take any of it out any way... only I can.  I have set up another account where my Dad will have an ATM card where I will put $10-20 in via internet, and that's it.  Once my brother realizes that my Dad has no control over his money, he will have no use for him.  And he doesn't dare call me, because he knows better.

Unless you have been through this stuff, you can't imagine what it feels like to be under constant attack.  The worse part is not hearing from my brother for a couple of days, since you don't know what he's up to.  My brother is a master at lying, badgering and coming up with some situation that pins you to the wall and you have to question if he's actually telling you the truth... and by not helping him, are you hurting his recovery?  Because he has no sense of remorse, I think he can just forget about all that he has done to us, which accounts for the balls that he has to keep coming back.  My Dad, being the good man that he is, holds on to the idea that he will somehow rehabilitate and turn himself around, but that will never happen.  Peace to any party involved will not come until one of them passes away, and that's pretty sad.

For me, the stress of dealing with my brother and Dad, and actually my nephew as well (since I found out that he tricked my Dad into co-signing for 3 school loans and one line of credit, and isn't paying on any of them), brings on a myriad of emotions... anger, frustration, disappointment, anxiety... and I am really hoping that the recent fixes to the problem (phone number change, bank accounts) will provide some sort of peace, because I never signed up for this.  One of the hardest emotions to deal with is the overwhelming guilt that I feel... when I want forget about protecting my Dad and move very far away from here and live my life.  That makes me a bad person... to abandon my Dad... but my Dad is the one that I need to protect him from (i.e., himself)... and I'm not sure I can actually do that no matter how much I try.  When our lease is up in May, I will have to seriously think about setting my Dad up in his own situation and get my own place.

YUM !! (As Spectacular as the Weather)

OOOOWWWWWWW !

There's not a muscle in my body that doesn't ache... and 8 hours getting caught up at the Marriott didn't  help.  I'm glad that I started working out, but it was a bad week... problem is, there's never a good week.

Like a Lover's Hand on Your Cheek...

Only taking short breaks in between building my ark, it seems like it's been raining forever. And while I'm happy that the ground is getting watered, I was over it. What a treat to wake up with the sun on my face...

Day Two

Yesterday was all over the place... with my first workout, casino day and movie night.  We saw The Town last night... I think that Ben Affleck gets a bad wrap as an actor... he was actually very good.  And it's hard to tell with directing... I guess the more believable it is the better the directing?  The movie was very good all the way around... I'm not sure it's one of those movies where the topic makes it oscar worthy, but it is getting a lot of award buzz.

I managed to get my butt to the gym for day two today.  From the upper body workout yesterday, I can barely straighten out my arms and they're really starting to hurt, with all the lactic acid building up.  Today was lower body, which I think that I will regret tomorrow when I'm cutting grass at the Marriott.  Since it's been raining for 4 days straight, I wasn't able to get over there on schedule.  But it's supposed to be 70 and sunny for the next 4 or 5 days.

I'm happy that I was able to make that first step toward working out.  I can already feel that my spirits have lifted and I'm in a better frame of mind.  I went food shopping after the gym and made some healthy selections.  Making a change is all in the mind, with the body following through.  Baby steps.

Progress

I got word that the closing is set for next Friday, the 15th.  I've been itching to get this over with... and still itching from the poison sumac, although it's starting to show some improvement today.  My brother is definitely out of a job and, although hard to tell because everything out of his mouth is a lie, I'm pretty sure he will be out of his apartment as well, possibly his 'girlfriend' left him and rehab is no where in sight... since he's back to using again.  I caught my Dad giving him $60 twice this weekend, with the promise that his last paycheck will be on his debit card tonight for repayment.  That will never happen though.  There isn't any money coming.  I am at my wits end with both of them.  I told my Dad that if we don't get the money back tonight, I will change the home number (I already changed his cell number after my brother called every two minutes about 12 times in a row the other day) and that will be the end of contact with him completely.  If it doesn't happen, I will definitely re-think this whole living situation with my Dad come May and will just go on my own.  I can't stand it any more.

When I get stressed, I add to it that I eat like crap.  I worry so much about it that I turn right around and eat.  The other day, still having all the stuff left from the last time that I wanted to do the Master Cleanse, I decided to try it again.  Maybe it was because I felt weak from being sick, or I didn't eat lunch or supper that day before starting, but I lasted an hour and a half before I almost had a panic attack and had to eat.  Everybody thinks that I don't have to lose weight, but a good ten pounds goes a long way on me.  I hide weight well, but my normal weight is about 170 lbs... I'm at 185ish now.  My gym was across the street and little.  I've been paying on it for almost two years and went maybe three times.  Yesterday, I joined the LA Fitness that is next to my Barnes and Noble.  I'm hoping that with a bigger gym with more ammenities, that I will go... and I have a few friends that go there as well.  It's actually $15/month less than what I was paying.  The also offer an array of free classes and Yoga is one of them (suggested by my friend, Robin). With Winter coming and my plan to not be back on my depression meds, I'm hoping that keeping busy and working out will get me through.  I haven't been depressed yet, but have been emotional all over the board... but that could just be the things that are currently going on in my life.  UPDATE:  I just got back from my first workout... feels great... threw up in my mouth a bit from the sit-ups and I can't lift my arms up, so round brushing my hair out will not be a possibility today.  I just had a glass of milk, a banana and scrambled eggs.  I'm on my way.

Today is entertainment day... I'm off to the casino around noon to meet up with Scott... and it's movie night later on... meeting up to see Ben Affleck's The Town.  With it raining so much, looks like my Monday grass cutting will be on Thursday, the first day with a hope of sunshine.  This weekend is the Autumnfest with 15 or so friends.

Hello Color, Goodbye Leaves

October Festival Cornicopia

I slept in today since I still wasn't feeling well. I rushed to get dressed and met Matty and Anna Marie to go to a little town up by Grove City called Volant. A historical area and habitated by the Amish, it's full of little, crafty stores with their nic-nacks and their bric-a-bracks. With about 100 stores, it's fun to just walk the streets perusing, and taking in the local color and food as well. It seems like every street corner is having some sort of apple or October or Fall festival. I've had more apple dumplings than, well, my fat ass needs, that's for sure.

Redecorating My Office

 The movie The Women (1939) is one of my all-time favorite movies.  Starring Joan Crawford, Rosalind Russell and Norma Shearer... it's about a group of high-society women friends who are all after each other's husbands and are all talk-abouts and back-stabbers... it reminds me of some of my friends.  One of my favorite characters in the movie is the mother.  When her daughter, the lead character, finds out her husband is stepping out on her, the mother tells her to stick by her man any way.  Further explaining that while women get a new dress or change the style of their hair, men don't think of anything so simple, like redecorating their office, etc.... and usually try to reinvent themselves in the eyes of another woman that they'll never love. The change in my blog layout and colors is my attempt at redecorating my office. 

Over two hours long, you won't see one man in the whole movie, not even a walk-on part with no lines.  There are so many great one-liners in it that I have incorporated into my venacular... you may hear me say 'be a lamb, and get me....' or 'it'll be just as nice'. Here's a splattering...

Still Itching

Over the last couple of days, I've been battling a sinus infection and the aftermath of poison sumac from my friends swampy back yard.  I've never paid much attention to it in the past, but never got it.  I must have gotten it from the slightly open spots from my poison ivory a few weeks back, since it showed up right on top of it on my wrist, and it swelled up and actually hurts instead of itches... which it still does anyway.

On the anticipatory heels of a 30 day reprieve from my brother, I gladly drove him across town to drop him off for his rehab stint, but after waiting for him to pack and getting there, upon arrival, we were told it was just an evaluation... and that they didn't have any beds available right now... so I had to wait for him again... and bring him home.  I guess he'll get the first bed that comes open.

Yesterday, I went to the Marriott to cut the rest of the grass from earlier in the week.  Since it's been raining, I didn't get to finish.  Between the grass growing finally with the cooler/wet weather and the leaves turning, it made for a nice day, except for fighting with all the leaves in conjuncttion with the hapless wind.  I'm going to really have my hands full when more start to fall.

I bought myself some flowers the other day from Costco.  They have such a nice selection and really cheap.  A bouquet of mixed flowers with nice greenery is about $15, while two dozen roses are about the same thing.  I really like having flowers in the house... it's nice that there's something else that's alive... at least I don't have to put a mirror under their nose in the middle of some western to see if they are still alive like I have to do my Dad.  Outside the window in the picture, they are finally putting the finishing touches on the row of townhomes that they've been building.  It seems like they have been building something since the day we moved in.  With cement mixers and bulldozers and the lot, all you hear are the back-up beeps all day long... starting at around 6 a.m. and ending around 8.  Hopefully, this will be it now.

My Autumn festivals have begun... today is the Applefest... and it's supposed to start raining around noon, so I have to get an early start to get my apple dumpling, kettle corn and a big fat German weenus... which reminds me... gotta love those country boys.