Where's Punxy Phil When You Need Him?

I woke up this morning to snow outside.  Usually one of those people who have the weather channel on for background noise, I find myself apathetic towards the weather right now and it came as a total surprise.  It's amazing to me that it's the end of January already and, since I spent about 4 weeks of Winter in Florida (I guess), I don't have that forboding sense of claustrophobia that I usually have at this time of year. It almost feels like it's almost over which, in itself, is a dangerous outlook to have... with February and March usually being the worst two months of Winter.

I've been getting back into the swing of my 'life' since I got back, whatever that means.  I'm a little misguided at this point.  I'm fortunate to have some control over what I do, especially in Winter (with no landscaping work), but it's a constant mind-fuck for me to remember that, come April, I will be very busy and to hold on until then.  I was also fortunate to have the painting gig because it paid good money that will help sustain me until April... but I also wished that I would have gotten a steady thing, albeit is simple and small, just to have some structure.  Finishing my Dad's house and getting it done will be the best thing right now... but perhaps after that I will get something.  I feel bad for my friends who feel they are in a rut, but a rut sounds good to me right now.

YUM !

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Today marks the one year anniversary of the inception of and the first post on my blog.

A few years back, when I lived in Vegas, I ran into a cute guy, Darien, who used to do a blog about his daily life.  At the time, I thought... who's he writing to?  Who's reading this?  Then my friend Matt Mandry also did a blog and I started reading his every day.  Becoming one of my best friends, I was interested in what was going on in his life and what he had to say... and found myself logging onto the computer minutes after getting up to see what was up with him.  Currently, I am reading 3 or 4 of my friend's blogs as well as keeping up with many of my friends on Facebook daily.  I figure, if I can't devote 1-2 minutes a day to what's important to them, then what kind of friend am I any way?

Writing the blog every day has been therapeutic and cathartic (elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression).  Affording me the opportunity to vent, release, share and think aloud, I have worked through many issues over the past year, from dealing with family issues (moving with my Dad, dealing with my brother and his addiction)... to moving and pairing down my life... to re-organization of my financial situation and starting my business... to dealing with getting older, my depression and being gay... to exploring my adoption and childhood... to everything in between.  I have opened myself up to examination, ridicule and criticism by remaining true to myself and who I am but allowing room for change..  And all the while, friends and even complete strangers (some now friends) follow what I'm writing.  Who am I, but some jagoff from Pittsburgh with enough baggage to take me around the world and back again... is it pompous or indulgent for me to feel as though I'm important enough to command an audience?  Yet, my life feels more justified and acknowledged in the process, and I'm thankful for that.

I will continue to be frank and open about myself and my life in my brand of realistic and sarcastic point of view.  Sometimes it's hard to write stuff that I feel is going to depress people, but while I try to make this more and more entertaining for readers, to be a useful tool, I can't think about that.  To sugar-coat or filter would not be helping me or anyone, really.  And I'm hoping that somehow, the reader may be able to relate to something, laugh at something, reminisce about something or even inspire someone to start their own blog, as Darian and Matt inspired me.  I am truly thankful to them for giving me this opportunity, and thankful to anyone reading for listening and validating my life.

Don't You Just Hate....

- That Valentine's Day was placed in February... just in case single people recovered from the lonliness that Christmas and New Year's unleashed upon them?

- That the inventor of the spork is a wealthy man, while Eric Schleifer, inventor of the 'foon' lives in his Mother's attic in Ft. Wayne, Indiana?

- When a piece of cheese falls into the crevice in between your counter and refrigerator, causing you to spend the next several months wondering what's happening to it?

- When your seeing eye dog goes blind?

- When you sense it was satan, not nature or nurture, that shaped your child?

- How efficient and useful the internet is for stalkers?

- How Muzak manages to extract the few remaining shards of soul that still exist in already lifeless songs?

- When the digital highway signs reads "Normal Traffic Conditions" as you sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic?

- Finding the mail addressed to the previous tenant more interesting than your own?

- When all your Cracker Jacks have melted into one big Jack?

- Learning the hard way that 'Lesbo' is not an appropriate word?

- That your 3-year-old mimics everything that your 5-year-old does... and presently, your 5-year-old is stabbing your stereo speakers with a fork?

- Wondering if the guy that prepared your meal is the same one that scribbled 'shove it' on the sign that says "All Employees Must Wash Hands After Using Restroom"?

What's So Hard About Parenting?

You can never get a kid to hang up his coat correctly, if at all...

Kids are supposed to get plenty of fresh air... and it teaches them the important lesson in real estate... 'it's all about the view'...

Arms sold separately?

Sometimes it's not always best to get a seat 'up front'...

Just Sayin'....

Today was a great day... it left me with a smile!

Growing Up

In the last week, I deleted my profiles off of two internet chat sites.  Besides being so unproductive (both in lost time and results), being on them really frustrates me.  

With the one site, it was mostly people from all over the country/world asking you how your day went.  Really?  Your day was that uneventful or went that badly that you have to worry about how mine went 1,700 miles away?  I believe that love can happen at any time or any where, but I'd have to question whether or not a person checked out every single person in a 5 mile radius of their own neighborhood before searching across the state/country/world.  We've become a society of people that sit behind a computer instead of getting out there and meeting people face-to-face.  Even with this blog, I sometimes feel that I've vomited my life up today, so why bother calling anyone.  Since most profile pics are either pictures of people from years prior, not their picture or taken at their best angle... and most profiles are filled with lies... what is the attention getter?  Are we all that insecure with ourselves that we have to hide in our own bedrooms in our fuzzy slippers and tossled hair?  The answer is yes.

For me, getting older hasn't been the easiest process... some gray hairs, getting out of shape, losing some hair, some hair sprouting up in abnormal places, losing some libido and energy... but mine hasn't been so much of that as just an overall self-confidence problem with switching careers and dealing with some life changes.  I'm not as worried about telling people that I'm 42 (even though being in a new demographic isn't fun) as much as comparing myself to other people's progress in life.  And while I look at some people and wouldn't want their life/career/stresses... there's a push-pull effect (typical Gemini) going on inside me of being happy that I am doing something that I like to do and doing something that I didn't like to do much, even though I was good at it, it was what I was born to do and that provided a big self-confidence boost for me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to talk myself down from wanting to get back into management.  It was my focus and my life.  It was my identity and gauge of success.  And now, I just feel like I want to/can do so much more.  What is my purpose any more?

The second chat site was totally local, but the problem was that all I got approached by was guys from 18-24 years old.  My last semi-serious relationship with Jesse (23) was a disaster.  Fulfilling my need to take care of someone, it worked out great for him.  For me, when I needed support, he was incapable of providing it since he had no life experience.  Some days, I felt good being able to attract a younger guy... some days, it made me feel older, preachy and regretful of choices that I made/didn't make... staring at a person with their whole life in front of them.  And my 'hiding out from the world' career attitude went right along with the busy schedule of an emo twink... watching TV, smoking cigarettes, playing video games.  When my self-confidence plummeted, so did my perspective on what I had to contribute to life or even a conversation, and while most guys my age are looking to re-live their youth or get a younger guy, the rest... I didn't feel that I could relate any more.  So I withdraw from life and being social.

I recently went on a few dates with some young guys... most of which were mature for their age... but it still doesn't change the fact that there are decades of life-experience between us.  Getting caught up in the retreat or flattery aspect, I knew in my mind that it was unrealistic and couldn't go anywhere.  Plus, that life isn't what I want.  Young guys now-a-days are like puppies... they're unconditional... most don't care if you're older... they just want to feel safe... being that that age bracket is the first to experience the broken family, the two working parents, being babysat by a video game... they're starved for love and it feels so good for me to be in that situation, feeling damaged myself.  The frustrating part is the games and fickleness of younger guys... it makes you paranoid and you lose your trust in everyone..  And your sense of what's real.

The reality of my life is that I have limited time (other than in the Winter), my 82 year old father lives with me and that I have experienced a lot in my life that molded me into a complex individual.  I need a complex individual as my partner... someone who can relate, empathize, and be there for me as I am for them.  It's time that I grew up and stopped hiding.  I need to make some changes... and although dating isn't the most important places to start, it is a start.

Everybody Loves a Weenus

That's always my motto...

Again... words to live by

These women act like the naval ship just docked....

And this is a problem, why? Plus, I don't think all the meditation in the world would help the situation...

I'm Back (Problems)

Yesterday morning, I went over my Dad's to show the house to a really nice couple who really liked it... hopefully they will be interested enough to buy it... that would be a load off my mind.  Matt and I went to read magazines, get coffee and grab lunch and I got these shooting pains in my lower back that made walking very difficult.  So I came home, cozied up to my bed, woobie and DVR and managed to knock out 4 hours of Brothers and Sisters and two hours of Supernanny.  I'm thinking that Supernanny needs to visit the set of Brothers and Sisters and give some time outs.  This morning, my back feels no better, so looks like I'll be catching up on Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice today... while looking at the dreary weather from my window.  I have to resume painting/rehab at my Dad's tomorrow.

Matt sent me over this pic of Nick... so I'm doing a featurette on him today... he made me smile.

I'm So Blue... Over Avatar

Last night, I finally went to see Avatar, the movie that is about to knock Titanic off it's long-seated throne as the top grossing movie of all time.  Being one of the first movies to employ computer-generated extras and use some fancy graphics, etc... In Titanic, we found ourselves in awe of the new technology... amazed at the realism... not to mention the large-scale feel of everything... and, finally, the love story that captured our hearts.  I have seen it many times... it still keeps my attention. 

They say there's only 7 ways to tell a story... and that felt annoyingly so in Avatar.  The only thing different in this movie was that people were blue.  It had all the same mini-plots (threesome love interest that is forbidden, enemies rallying together for the greater cause, earthlings that screw up their own planet and try screwing up someone else's out of greed, the corporate dollar-loving head, love/hate relationship between co-workers, asshole villian that you hope gets it in the end.... blah blah blah).  You've seen it a thousand times.  I'm not even going to go into the storyline since most people have seen it already. The only life lessons to walk away with is that we're all connected, greed never wins (except in real life) and do the right thing.  

I saw this in Digital 3-D... not IMAX 3-D, or Digital... and who really knows the difference anyway, except in what they charge you.  In the theater from start to finish for about 3 hours... it was about 30 minutes too long in story, and about an hour long in 3-D glasses irritation. 

I'm glad that I got to see it in a theater rather than at home.  Because it was considered a matinee, it cost $8... including the glasses rental.  It was very entertaining, had some interesting 'Land of the Lost' animals in it... very futuristic glow in the foliage and was very imaginitive in it's 'New World' concept.  And while grand in scale, I don't see how it's winning a bunch of awards for anything other than technology.  It seems like that's the most important aspect of a film any more... I guess that's what rakes in the money.  I give it 3.5 blue balls out of 5... and only for technology.  It probably would have been better to cut it down to an hour, eliminate the dialog altogether and just show more of Pandora.

YUM !

NO H8 Campaign...

Throughout his career, Sen. John McCain has been a staunch opponent of same-sex marriage. He opposed it during his 2008 presidential campaign and was vocal in his support for California's Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriage in the state. His family, however, is increasingly on the other side of this hot-button issue.

McCain's daughter Meghan distanced herself from her father's stance last summer when she posed for an ad for NOH8, a gay rights campaign seeking to defeat Prop 8. Now his wife Cindy is joining in the effort and is also appearing in an ad for NOH8.

Cindy McCain isn't the first political spouse to do this, however. During the 2007 Democratic Primary, Elizabeth Edwards stated that she's "completely comfortable with gay marriage" even though her husband, John, then a candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination, was steadfastly against it. Michelle Obama has hinted at her support, saying in a speech that connected the gay rights struggle to civil rights: "The world as it is should be one that rejects discrimination of all kinds."

Prop 8 remains in the headlines because, though passed by California voters in November of 2008, it is now being legally challenged by another unlikely pairing. Ted Olson, the conservative lawyer who represented George W. Bush in the legal dispute over the 2000 election results, and David Boies, the lawyer who represented Al Gore in that same case, are leading the legal team. The case is currently in front of a federal court in San Francisco.

What Was It.....

My Mom had a saying for everything... put a coat on or you'll catch a cold... don't make that face or your face will freeze... and, now, what was it she said about watching TV?  Hmmm... was it that you'll go blind.... or your weiner will fall off... or... (I don't remember anything about a gynormous rock falling out of the sky)

Yawn...........

Feeling groggy, I need a lift today.  I got home last night and unpacked.... checked a few emails and chatted a bit and waited for my muscle relaxer to take effect.  I had a headache all day yesterday that I surmised must have been from painting ceilings, since my neck was killing me as well.  I also realized that it was a few days since I had my pill, so it could have been withdrawal symptoms too.  Nonetheless, I fell asleep quickly and slept well.  To some of you, this is good afternoon.... to me, it's good morning.

I was away for 27 days in December and my DVR, with holiday shows, etc. on... was at 18% full.  This time, with 9 days gone, it's 45% full.  It's quite a shock to me that I watch so much TV, but what else are you doing to do in Winter?  It's kind of like being a smoker, and looking down at an ashtray full of butts, marking your bad habit.

Matt, so appreciatively, pointed out that I must have brought the sun back with me... so... you're welcome. It's not often I do anything right... I'll take credit.

Homeward bound.

These are my painting outfits... my sweats for the cold mornings... and my shorts for later in the day into the late evening... as a symbolic gesture... I threw them in the garbage (besides the fact that they would have weighed my luggage down).  Sadly, there was more paint on me than made it on the clothes.  All I can smell and taste in my passages is paint.  Even with several showers a day, I'm still finding paint on my body.  Paint, paint, paint.... As much as you're over hearing about it, I'm over it ten times as much.  11 gallons in whole... I used less gas this trip... putting a little over a hundred miles on my rental car which, for once, was actually kind of a nice car...

I'm at the airport... Working all morning and then cleaning up... I have a headache... I'm exhausted and I'm really looking forward to the cold, rainy, dreariness called Pittsburgh.  Later, Gators.

Over It

Well, the day has finally arrived... time for me to go home.  I have a few hours of painting to do this morning, and then I'm out of here... despite the nice weather and beautiful surroundings, I'm not sad to go... I'm looking forward to it.

Other times when I come down here, doing the beach and the touristy things, I always dread leaving.  Not this time.  Sadly, I will never look at staying here the same again.  When I look around the condo, I can see my progress points... and relate them to the different times in the 4 or so weeks that I've been here.... 'there's the wall I fixed on Xmas eve while gobbling down my 5 meat pizza dinner'... or 'there's the trim I painted on Xmas day listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas CD'.  Once a retreat for me, it's now a workplace away from home.  I'm trying to feel what it must feel like for them to come down later today and walk in and be like... 'ah... vacation', but can't.  With a different perspective on camp now... and here as well.. I've lost all my safe-haven get-a-ways.  And with a 15 hour day, followed by a ten hour one yesterday... I have officially had it... I'm apathetic to mostly everything, except my own bed and my woobie.  I see a staycation in bed coming on tomorrow.

Channeling....

Sitting at the kitchen table in Florida with a leftover cheescake and a bunch of problems... hmmm.... who does that remind you of? (besides me).... All I need is a few old broads... Ricky... Matt... John S... where are you?

After running some errands this morning, I've been back at it since around 3... down to the home stretch, but running into problem after problem with the last little bit.  I can't wait to go home.

Cut Me... See If I Bleed Paint...

I know it's hard for people to understand... seeing the picture and knowing that I'm in Florida in 75 degree weather... but trust me when I say, I'm not seeing any of it other than out the window.  And other than running to get more paint and to McDonald's... that's about it for my outdoor contact. 

Yesterday, I painted for 15 hours.... I'm so sick of paint... looking at it, tasting it... having it all over me... I'm over it.  At least in the old days, it was toxic and you could at least get a buzz off of it... not so any more.  And while I appreciate my friends giving me the job... at this point (with the amount of hours)... I think I made $0.58/hour.  It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have counted it as a vacation... tempted by the sun... the warmth... the jetskis outside my window... this will sound crazy, but I wish that I could come back and just sit... look at it all... get out in it... without the worry of having a huge list of things to do.  It's a job that just so happens to be in a nice climate.

I'm the kind of person that can't cut corners.  Somehow, my Dad's work ethic got instilled in me (curse him) and I can't do a shitty job.  And fortunately for other's who are on the receiving end... but unfortunately for me on the giving end.... it makes it hard for me to be in a service industry because I do a fantastic job, but it never works out monetarily.  I leave tomorrow... and my friends come in tomorrow night... even with the pictures, it's hard to see the amount of work that has been done, but I hope they know the personal attention that I gave to their place... and without them being here while it was going on, it feels lost in the brush strokes and blown away with the spackle dust.

I'm looking forward to coming home... only to start painting my Dad's kitchen.... to get the house finished to put on the market or rent out... the painting never stops.

Could 3 Hollywood Magazines Be Wrong?

I Take Thee... (If it's ok with you, Straighty)

Adversaries in Bush v. Gore, Ted Olson and David Boies are a power couple (non-gay) of super-lawyers supporting same-sex marriage. Dismayed that California voters overrode their state Supreme Court's guarantee of marriage equality for lesbian and gay couples, Boies and Olson have brought a federal constitutional lawsuit to invalidate the voters' action in Prop 8.  The funny thing is that they are stark, conservative Republicans... who obviously know right from wrong across political borders right down to basic, human rights.

The arguments against haven't been exactly open and shut.  Tradition being one of them, just because things were done for a long period of time, doesn't mean that it should remain that way still... or we would still have segregation and debtor's prisons.  Also a point against, is the idea of procreation, yet heterosexual couples can marry without any plans to have kids... so can people in prison and the elderly... no one asks them ahead of time what their intentions are, so how can homosexuals affect the amount of babies born?  Lastly, that it would somehow harm the heterosexual idea of marriage, which is just insane.  How can whether I am in a committed, loving relationship affect a heterosexual marriage... and with the divorce rate as it is, I don't think that it has anything to do with gays... except in the small percentage of gays that get married out of social pressure.  This is the last civil rights issue... and it's hard to believe that it was only 40 or so years ago that a black man couldn't vote... or marry a white woman.

Particulary, and coincidentally, the state of California recognizes marriages involving child abusers and wife beaters, along with people on death row.  Their marriage class system is irrational:  18,000 same sex marriages are legal, but those who divorce cannot remarry...  heterosexuals who can marry, divorce, remarry, divorce, etc... and same-sex couples who can apply for domestic partnership with limited legal rights.

In the Declaration of Independence, it states... "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator, with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness".  I guess my life, liberty (The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing) and happiness are in the hands of straight people... most of which don't even understand that, just as they don't think about their attraction to the opposite sex, it's not a choice for me... (although it is a choice to live my life as it was meant to be)... and who have all the legal rights and tax breaks.  And while I guess it's ok that I pay taxes to put their children through school and support programs that support the straight life, it's not ok that I enjoy any of that, including having children (if they had their way).

To be honest, I don't believe in 'marriage' in the traditional sense (except that I think I could rock a white vail and baby's breath in my hat) for gays, but I'm not exactly religious... I'd be happy with a domestic partnership that included all the legal, medical, tax, inheiritance and state recognition that is enjoyed by everyone else.  I am, however, 150% monogamous... believe in being totally committed to one person, building and sharing a life together... working towards common goals, being a productive and benevolent member of society and my community... wow, that sounds like a marriage, doesn't it, not some threatening aboration.

I am fortunate to have such great friends who are loving and accepting.  I am also blessed to have never been stoned, denied, harrassed, shunned, accosted, fired, beaten, lit on fire, jailed, or murdered as many other's have in their pursuit of happiness throughout time.  What I don't understand specifically about Christianity is that, isn't it supposed to be all about loving your fellow man?  Where's the love?  Isn't this another 'war' where religion is at the core?  And while I believe that religion does serve it's purpose in ways (like telling stupid people over and over it's wrong to do things that they can't figure out on their own (which they do anyway and then get forgiven to do it again)), it's no wonder that so many followers are seeking an alternative spirituality... sometimes, just because it's been done for thousands of years, doesn't mean that it's right or makes sense... so maybe the real problem is letting go of old ideals and stubborness at the root.  'I'm a straighty Christian... so that's the only way... no other beliefs or ways of life can be validated'...  hmmm... and sadly, these are all the people that are gun owners.  (just sayin')

So eloquently stated by my friend Matt.... "marriage by any other name is not marriage. Separate but equal is not equal".  Maybe America isn't ready for this... maybe it's not 'time'... it's always time when people are denied their rights.  Being self-labled the most progressive, superior country in the world, we're anything but, if people would get a clue.