Love Potion #9

There are 3 elements to love that's the same for everyone;  lust or romantic feelings... physical attraction and emotional commitment.  I've always had this 3/3/3 philosophy about dating.... within the first three weeks, you're able to get a feel for the person and whether they're full of shit or an axe murderer.  If you can make it that far, then it's usually around 3 months that people's bad habits come out... or your differences can't be worked through.  If you can make it through that, it's smooth sailing until around 3 years.  At that point, it gets stagnant, or you feel you've lost yourself in the relationship or you wonder why you're with that person.  It turns out, there is actually some scientific evidence of my theory...

In the beginning of a relationship when you feel butterflies, lack concentration because you can't stop thinking about the other person, experience hot flashes and queasy stomachs, it's because of a 'love chemical' called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which is similar to an amphetamine.  Present in chocolate and strawberries, it produces a 'euphoria' in the brain and stimulates it to produce dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin... which feels like excitement and happiness in the beginning stages of a relationship.  Personalities change, less sleep is needed, sex drive and energy levels increase and there's a sense of fearlessness (that perphaps causes people to overlook major flaws in the other person, rushing into a doomed marriage).

Sadly, those chemical reactions only last several months (known as the honeymoon stage), then 'normal' personalities return (so the quirky trait that was once cute is now annoying) and the focus on the partner returns back to a focus on work and your life prior to the meeting.  Sex drives are back to normal and a, now, possibly conflicting drive and focus causes that 'falling out of love' misconception.  Focusing on the positive aspects of the other person, accepting strengths and weaknesses and finding common goals and interests are the keys to making it through this stage. 

In the discovery stage, unrealistic expectations are let go and they start to discover each other, clarifying roles, commitment and compatibility.  A common game in this stage is the Distancing/Pursuer Behavior, spiraling out of control in a demand for attention/withdrawaling game where neither person are satisfied, not receiving what they really want because they don't speak up.  Communicating their individual needs is very important and helps move past stages of criticism, defensiveness, vulnerability and withdrawal by practicing acceptance, forgiveness, patience and compassion.

In the connection stage, new chemicals, oxytocin and endorphins, take over.  Oxytocin is known as the 'cuddling' chemical.  Released by both partners during orgasm, it produces a bond between the couple, so the more sex you have, the stronger the bond that forms.  Endorphins are similar in structure to morphine, and calm the mind and reduce pain and anxiety.  Bonds of trust, commitment, cohesiveness and intimacy are strengthened in this stage and become the key to a long-term, monogamous relationship.

In my case, I have experienced most of these stages in my past relationships, however, my longest one was only about 4 years.  We couldn't quite push past some of our differences, but we honestly didn't try, eventually giving up and walking away... something I'll always regret.  Over the last 3 or 4 years, I completely closed myself off to the idea of love, unable to connect or feel anything.  Even with Jesse, the strong feelings that I had for him were probably that of codependency and caretaking (looking back at it now), and I never saw any progress towards a future, which is why I ended it.  Earlier this year, I met someone far away that ignited a flame in me that I haven't had in so long, and I will always be grateful to him.  Utter joy, longing and excitement were felt for the first time in ages, and emotions and expression erupted in me that I barely knew how to contain, let alone understand... probably the most intense I have ever felt.  With the distance, however, there was a level of protection that didn't allow me to feel vulnerable, and posed problems for a future.  Circumstances led to an abrupt ending of that budding relationship, and I not only learned love, but grief as well... the first time ever that I allowed myself that emotional process.  It also left me with both a thirst for love that couldn't be satiated and a certain acceptance of being alone all at the same time... an odd juxtaposition.  I wanted love, but didn't need it.  It's perhaps at that point in your development that, when provided with it, you are most receptive to it.