This week has been a lot of running around... a lot of social obligations, tasks to work through, errands to run and taking my Aunt to the hospital yesterday for surgery to remove her gall bladder and some of her intestines that have been giving her problems with Diverticulitis. The surgery went fine, but being 83, it took a toll on her. She was pretty nauseated afterwards and in pain. She's recovering in a room, but she's still not feeling great today. it kills her to not be able to get up and get things done... she's not one to sit around and do nothing (wonder where I get that from?).
My Aunt Dolores is my Godmother... and when my Mom passed in '94 when I was in my late twenties, my Aunt sort of stepped in... mainly in a figurehead capacity of family focus for me. She's very (
dependently) independent, stubborn and set in her ways... and her way is usually the way it (
should) has to be done. I've learned to not reason or argue with her... it's easier for me to just do as she asks... and while that sometimes adds extra (
headaches) steps to the process... bucking her usually adds a lot more. She's very driven and focused... and when something's on her mind, (
David) she doesn't rest until it's accomplished. She works tirelessly to maintain her house and helps out with her sister, Helen, who has Alzheimer's... and her brother-in-law, Lee... who (
is worn out from Helen) looks after his wife. They all go out to Walmart and lunch every day... and then Helen and Lee go over her house for dinner every night and for a sit out in the driveway. With my Aunt being in the hospital, it poses the situation of what would happen to Helen and Lee if she weren't around to take care of them.
I've never really had a relative that sits down with me and discusses my problems. My Mom and I would fight about everything I told her... my Dad was never around and now I don't bother him with anything... I've been too busy taking care of my older brother and nephew all this time, solving their problems... so there's no one left. I've always relied on my friends for support. My Aunt always asks me what's going on and listens, but we don't have that mentoring/advice giving relationship. And, as I've gotten older, I've definitely stepped into the role of son, looking out for her. Although I don't rely on her for support, her being active and strong is what I've always seen in her, much like my Dad... and it's hard to watch slip away from them. The idea that they can do anything gives me strength and the reality to the contrary makes me feel alone.
She has always been in the background... and always there. I used to go over her house for sleep-overs when my Mom (
had had enough of me) had things to do... and my Aunt would give me iced coffee. I'd ride my bike over to see her in the summer... thinking it was some really big journey and it was only a quarter mile away, if that. She has always been a card giver... and usually sends them out a week prior to the event... she never forgets a birthday, sends me a card for Easter (even though I'm not religious) and a big peanut butter egg... and sends me a Christmas card with a check in it for $25. I take her to lunch or give her a gift certificate for her favorite place, the Golden Corral Buffet, for her birthday, bring her an Easter plant that she can plant in the yard, a hanging flower basket for Mother's day and something for Christmas. She makes me nutbread and my favorite chocolate chip cookies with marachino cherries every year. It's our thing.
Life changes as you get older... things change... people die and things aren't the same as they were. It's important to cherish the time you have with your loved ones because you never know what'll happen. I never expected to lose my Mom at 27... never had grandparents to enjoy... I've lost many good friends unexpectedly to AIDS, lost an ex, lost my dog after 13 years... several Aunts and Uncles... and mostly in the month of December, which makes Christmas rough for me. Recently discussing holiday plans with John, I mentioned that I'm usually away in Florida (having spent the last three Christmases in Ft. Lauderdale with friends) and the season isn't any big deal for me because of the loss I've had, and he expressed that he hopes that he never 'gets that way'. I never planned at 27 to adopt the attitude that I'd ignore the holidays, but life throws things at you that upsets tradition, expectations and what you're used to. Times change and shit happens and we're never quite the same, which is why you have to appreciate what you have when you have it because you someday, might not.
When I was in my twenties, I was so driven with work and my 'career'. I moved to Philly when I was 20 and missed my nephew growing up and missed family things that I'll never get back, all over a sense of accomplishment in companies that didn't give a shit about me or the hard work that I put into them. Now, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be with my family... and although they drive me (
to drink) crazy, I'm glad that I have the time for what's important.
So, next time you are in Fort Lauderdale, let me know and I shall throw a nice dinner party.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about taking care of the elderly...I have my 95 year old mom with me and she is Cuban...(2Xguilt) and very set in her ways, so for the most part I don't argue, just do what she wants...and let me tell you, with all the time she has in her hands she can think up some of the most outlandish things.
saludos,
raulito
You certainly touched a chord in many of us who have aging parents. Even for those of us who are in our mid-30s, I'm sure we would have thought abt how fast/sudden our loved ones seem to have aged and how our lives would be impacted when they pass...
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, appreciate and enjoy what you have now, because shit happens, pple change.
On another note, I hope your X'Mas this year with John will be a different enjoyment from the previous years. :)
I know what you mean. I lost my Mom, dog, favorite Aunt and friends in the mid 90's and it drove me to the brink.
ReplyDeleteI now live and look after my 92 y/o Dad and believe me I kwow what you and the other mean by "set in their ways."
I hope too that your X'Mas this year with John will be enjoyable.
Stan
Very well written D@vid. You write from your heart. You hold nothing back. I respect your honesty and vulnerability. You are right that family is so important. While they may not be perfect they (for the most part) are the only ones we can count on in life when others leave us. I lost my Mother last September after having her in my life for 68 years. You know what? She left too soon. I miss her every day. There is not a day that goes by that I want to call her and just talk. It hurts D@avid not to have her there. My best friend Bob Mc., the reason I moved to Delaware, has Alzheimers/dementia. I met him in the Army in 1960 and we've been best friends ever since. I used to call him on the phone almost every night. I can't talk to him now, there isn't anyone at the other end of the line. My friend Sal (who lived in Elizabeth - you know where that is) died a few months before I moved to Delaware. We was to visit me then he dies suddenly. My other good friend Ron H. died about a year before. I know what you mean when you say you should value your family (and friends) more than ever now. Yes, you should because too soon they're gone and then you're alone. Perhaps my greatest fear, being alone.
ReplyDeleteI know your aunt appreciates you. The only family I have left now are my two brothers and my spouse Bill. Once they are gone, I am alone. I'm done.