I don't remember looking for love before I left for Vegas.. I was just sort of going along. The night I met John, finding someone was the last thing on my mind, let alone having someone come up to me from my own hometown. And while the geography part of it worked out great, it posed some other problems along the way, mainly our age difference (he was worried I wasn't going to be around in 20 years when he's my age). As the relationship went on... differences in the structure of our lives and differences in the separate stage of our lives that we are currently in started to wear on me. The long and short of it is that I was totally ready for this and he wasn't, and I'm not waiting. I thought with my heart, this time, not my head, or I wouldn't have gotten involved. I didn't go looking for this, it found me. Fate, the very thing that brought us together, was the thing that ultimately would break us up... or at the very least, the unknown future. By worrying about that, he missed that I was standing right in front of him.
On Saturday, in the middle of an argument, I decided to move on. We had a very good talk about it and then proceeded to have one of the best days together hanging out and talking and, eventually, just lying in bed holding each other. We knew it wasn't going to work but neither wanted to let go fully. We had some very good conversation that day and I know we will be a part of each other's lives and better friends than we already are. It's amazing, when you remove the responsibility aspect of a relationship, how real and honest things can be... when defenses are down.
As for me, I am stuck in a loop of being 44 in age, 50 in mind...34 in body and 24 in spirit. I'm not in any hurry to find someone, and I don't even know what that looks like any more.... maybe someone around 35 who has done the work on themselves and has done some living. I know that it doesn't look like someone much younger... after several attempts, I know it will never work out. I don't seek that situation out... but I need to learn to walk away from it when it comes next time.
I was able to think with my heart this time, I learned a lot about patience this time around and I've gotten wiser. Past loves set the bar fairly high... I need someone who has a lot to offer... who can verbalize their thoughts and emotions and mediocre isn't good enough for me. That may make it hard for me to find someone, if ever, but that's ok with me... I'm not settling. And while I'm not saying I don't still have things to work through or change about myself, I'm not beating myself up. I know who I am, what I give and what I have to offer... someone, some day will appreciate me for who I am... body, spirit, mind... and age.
I am so proud that you are my friend. I admire you to no end. Seeing you overcome so many obstacles in your life, with such a positive and reflective attitude, gives me strength and courage, in all aspects of my life. You inspire me. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly.
ReplyDeleteI know in my heart that you and John will always be a part of each other's lives. There is a connection between you both, that is undeniable. John is beautiful in his own right and I look forward to watching him grow and blossom even more, under your watchful eye.
For now, I hope you can take the time to enjoy whatever it is that makes you happy, these last weeks of Summer. It's time to give back to yourself. ;)
YES SIR THEY WILL ......
ReplyDeleteLooking for LOVE in all the wrong places.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry about that David. From the bottom of my heart.
ReplyDeleteYour love is… was… always be welcomed, cherished, and returned ten-fold. You are truly a beautiful soul. ~ N.
A friend (personally, rather than through a comment)sent me our horoscope and a note that was very fitting:
ReplyDelete"Today you will save yourself a lot of frustration if you simply accept the way things are. Sure, they could be better -- but they could be a lot worse, too. The truth is, you don't have as much power as you want to right now. You can't change the world around you; all you can do is try to adjust. Your positive outlook isn't going to go to waste, but you have to acknowledge that while it can cheer you and make you feel better, it can't always change how other people feel"
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteAs long as you learned something about yourself in the process, then it was a good path to follow.
Wow. That sounded all Confucius-y.
One of my favorite poems of all time seems apropos to share with you here:
ReplyDeleteComes The Dawn
Veronica Shorffstall, 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a wo(man), not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn
Good for you for having the testicular fortitude to hold out for the one and not just settling for who ever is there.
ReplyDeleteTry to remember that for every minute you are with the wrong guy is a wasted opportunity to meet the right guy.
The heart is a fickle thing - sometimes it just doesn't know what's good for us. Fortunately, we have a brain (the big one - not the little one) that can step in and make things a bit clearer.
ReplyDeleteHaving written that though, I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. But I'm glad you're not sitting around listening to the easy listening love song radio station (WLUV - "Music to drown yourself in the bathtub with.") You're moving forward - that's good.
Now would you consider someone older? Perhaps a handsome man, say...oh I don't know...who lives in Boston? ;) (Sorry I couldn't resist)
Be well.
I think you handled this very well. I'm sorry he wasn't the love of your life.... but it was a great experience and you learned from it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, just be happy with the friendship and good feelings of where it is right now. You never know... things happen when you least expect it...
ReplyDeleteD@vid,
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely on track here by being clear with your expectations. I fully agree with you on the part abt 'not settling', even though it may be hard to find someone. We really should not settle for less/mediocre in love!
There might be some lingering regrets that things did not turn up positive between both of you, but hey, that's another experience in relationships. And you did gain a strong friendship through this. :)
As I've said before, let your qualities shine through, and if that person has a keen eye, he'll know he has a gem in his hand to treasure.
This seems very familiar to me. I know we never had "the talk", but while you lived in Vegas you meant the world to me as well. I remember how crushed I was when you told me you were moving back home. I realized though that I would always have you in my heart as a friend. And I don't regret a single moment that we spent together. Just know that you really affected my life while you were in it, and I am proud to have you still a part of my life, even if you are across the country.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry to read this, David. But you are right. It's better to realize it early on than invest years in a flawed relationship. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI too am sad to hear this. You strike me as wise enough to know it was worth a try, and despite the sorrow it was still worth it. And someday there will be another.
ReplyDelete