Did you ever have one of those vivid memories of when you were a child, but instead of it being a view from your eyes, it's as though you're standing outside of yourself looking down on yourself and the situation? When I was probably 3 or 4, my parents had an Easter egg hunt in our yard. My Dad had me by the hand as I walked around the yard. I started crying because I couldn't find any eggs, so he took me over to one and pointed it out. I stood there, paralyzed... looking down at the egg... crying... but wouldn't pick it up. One of the neighbor kids picked it up and walked off, which made me cry even more. Pick up the fucking egg, I scream at myself looking back. It's amazing how our thought process works... sometimes we'd rather stand there and cry than fill the basket with eggs, even if we know it's what we should do and someone points out the egg.
I've been unmotivated to do anything... and barely took care of my responsibilities this past week. I'm on autopilot. I'm sure the hot weather has a lot to do with it... but I feel like I need to get a focus. With my bad eating going from sporatic energy intake to just plain stress/depression destructive behavior, I'm not doing myself any favors with my choices... and haven't been to the gym in over a week. I talk about this feeling of paralyzation that overcomes me, especially when it comes to working out... or at least in the beginning stages until I get into a routine. I sit there watching TV... and I know that I should get up and get moving... but I don't. I just lay there, further guilting myself for not doing it... but even that doesn't get me going, except towards more comfort food. I know that going to the gym will make me feel like I accomplished something... will get my energy up and chemicals flowing... and yet, I sit, wallowing in my funk. "Pick up the fucking egg, David.... quit crying and pick it up!"
I'm looking at possible part-time or full-time jobs that will work around my landscaping contract and bartending to keep me busy... and also going to sign up at the Humane Society as a volunteer today. I think with working so hard for those months to coming to a complete halt... it's hard for me to have so much time on my hands... I don't do well with time on my hands... my shell is cracking.
Life has it's seasons. This too shall pass. Be well and stay fabulous and let the voices in your head bicker among themselves:-)
ReplyDeleteActually the Heat has alot to do with it .... more then people realize! Even being young and sturdy Heat Exhaustion can sneak up on you Sir !
ReplyDeleteS = Blogger is feeling "crappy,"
ReplyDeleteand "paralyzed" with
procrastination.
*
O = Blogger presents well, is
alert and oriented, however,
does appear to be in mild
distress. Keeps talking about
an Easter Egg (?)
*
A = Blogger is overwhelmed by
self imposed lack of
endogenous opioid peptides
*
P = Blogger will get off his ass
and stop blaming his lack of
energy on the weather, and
inspire other bloggers,
especially L.I.Q. to get back
down to it.
Blogger will "push
through," because he knows that
he can only achieve real
satisfaction when he is happy
with himself, and that no one
else can do it for him. He will
remember how victorious he felt
back in January, when he
picked himself up, brushed
himself off, and turned into
the lean, mean, gay machine
that he is.
Blogger will stop "unposting"
attractive pics of himself
just because he is in a
relationship, as it is
truly unjust to the rest of
us.
Blogger will remember that his
health and his welfare are
paramount to anything else in
his life and that he cannot
give to anyone else, until he
gives back to himself.
*i.e. see "Put on your own
oxygen mask first."
Unable to resist, I had to remind you of what good company you are in; apparently, you are right on track..."Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." - Ernest Hemingway
ReplyDeleteYou know, you could pick up the egg and it could turn out to be rotten and explode in your hand... you could be covered in rotten egg stank and be totally pissed off. But I think it's totally worth taking the chance.
ReplyDeleteRecently my egg basket has become too full and I am cutting back on some eggs, but I still don't regret picking them up.
: )
hope you are not sabotaging anything with john because of your mood....?
ReplyDeletechin up!
I'm feeling it in Phoenix too.
ReplyDeleteI'm just the opposite lately. I've been highly motivated the past three weeks - gym 4x a week, ahead of the curve at work. I can related to the SADD though - it's coming - I can feel it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I recommend chronic masturbation until you're too sore to stay home. But since you have a BF now - chronic BJ's. :)
Think of your living room as the arena of a corrida and your tv is a bull... now, what do you do? ;)
ReplyDeleteWell, look who's talking... procrastination is certainly one of my favorite hobby... of course, I deny it saying I'm just waiting for the right time! (DUH!)
We all have those moments of the blues hitting us (out of the blue). It will pass. What I do is try and keep busy and not think too much about the sorry state of our government, the economy, and all the cruelty in the world. If you do it will drive you crazy. Focus on something you really like to do and then do it. That's what works for me. This advice brought to you from a guy who has had a LOT of experience. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is sad, indeed
ReplyDeleteI get down/blue in the autumn time, so I empathize.
Hang in there; this too will pass. we are here.