Heinous Hiatus

"Don't you ever work?" was a comment that I got yesterday, and seemingly so.  This year hasn't been off to a flying start due to the weather... and I've already talked a bit about my frustration level so far.  Last year I lucked out and had better weather... and my first stretch of work was 13 twelve-hour days in a row... that's how little rain we had.  Since I don't have 'weekends' in the sense that everyone else does... if it's not raining, I'm working no matter what day it is.  The 75 yards of mulch that I have to order, haul in wheelbarrows around the property and spread equals about 70 hours of work, and that's with a helper.  Then there's the 600 annuals I have to plant after that.  Beyond that, I have 6 or 7 projects like walls and decks to build and other clean up projects, etc. that will put me well into working every nice day until the middle of June.  Rest assured, I have plenty to do... just no good weather to do it in.


Tomorrow is supposed to be a good day... so I will start with the first mulching.  In the meantime, I continue to do a few bids (for another large client), consider taking a bartending job to help a friend out, sort out my taxes, clean and take care of other things that I won't have time to do when I get underway. 

OCDsee

My Mom was a smart cookie... she knew that to get some cleaning done... all she had to do was pick a fight with me... followed by ignoring me... which then led to me compulsively cleaning everything in sight.  I've always been that way... if I'm having a heated conversation, the first thing I start to do is clean up the house while I'm talking... it's kind of hilarious, actually, to see it in progress.  I'm not sure why I do that.  I think my exes exploited that trait in me as well.

Yesterday was supposed to be another crazy, end-of-the-world weather day, so I diverted my plans from heading to do some landscaping in lieu of getting soaked, battered with hail, struck by lightning and possibly swept up in a tornado... all of which were speculated/promised.  The sliding scale in my mind went from 'justified' to 'overwhelming guilt' as I lay there watching TV, looking out at the sun popping in and out every 10 minutes, waiting for destruction to ensue.  With all the rain that they promised to start around noon, not a drop fell until around 6 pm.  That bullshit should be illegal.

Fortunately, I escaped my shame spiral and started spring cleaning my bathroom and room, moving the furniture, cleaning the windows, stripping the bed, purging stuff and going through paperwork.  I have a cleaning person come every 5 weeks to clean up after my Dad, but I don't have her clean my room or bathroom.  Not sure if that's out of guilt or self-persecution, but it's kind of stupid.  It was partially productive after all, just not what I should have been doing... but rewarding, nonetheless.  Sadly, it's been three days since I've been to the gym... hopefully I can change that today.

YUM !! Invitational Extravaganza

I've always been a bit of a voyeur and feel most comfortable going right up to the edge of some situation for a birds-eye view, but not always participating.  An erotic environment provides mystery and intrigue... and even with opening of a present... I'm much more into thinking about what's inside of it and the unwrapping than the actual moment of unveiling.  I find foreplay to be most intriguing more so than the actual down-and-dirty deed.

I try to keep my blog "G" rated... but I've been doing my YUM !! section since the beginning to provide a little bit of stimulation to the readers and to push the envelope a bit.  I don't show any nudity other than a bum or so, here and there... so it's all good... and I try to group them by theme and generally they are the type of guys in the situations that I find... well... yummy.

Inspired by Sean's 'Undie Mondays" at Idle Eyes and a Dormy, I was reading Ron's blog Retired in Delaware where he was talking about making out a new will, and in the picture he used was him years ago with no shirt on, riding on a lawn mower and I couldn't help thinking..... YUM !!  We all have pictures that we use that may be from days gone by that we think we look best in... maybe when we had some muscles... maybe when we had a full head of hair... maybe we had a great tan.... or maybe it's just a picture that makes us relate to a certain happy time period in our life. 

The picture above used to be my favorite picture that I always used in profiles... which was ten years ago.  I always liked it because it was probably the last time that I had any muscles.... I had some facial and arm hair... I'm sporting my favorite ballcap... AND... I was giving you a water feature in the background.  It says 'I'm so cosmopolitan in Columbus and I'm not afraid to get my terrycloth shirt wet sitting by the water'.

Whatever the reason, I'm inviting readers and bloggers to email me your favorite picture.... when you thought you were particularly yummy (preferably when younger) so that I can post it on my next YUM !! posting.  We're definitely wanting to keep it clean.... but a skimpy little 70's speedo or ripped up 80's jeans shot or the like would be.... YUM !! 

Monkeying Around

In my effort to try new things and be spontaneous this year, living in the moment... I got an impromtu invitation yesterday from Kyle to get a behind-the-scenes tour of the Pittsburgh Zoo, since he handles the primates there.  Where I would have normally said no and went to Barnes and Noble to have a coffee and read magazines (my comfort zone), I quickly accepted and jumped in the truck and headed over there, thirsty for a new once-in-a-lifetime experience and to push my boundaries.

Throughout the day, I realized just how timid I am around animals (other than dogs).  Since I was a kid, I've always been uneasy around horses, with their mysterious eyes and quickly-spooked nature... and don't even get me started on my warranted but altogether hysterical little girl fear of snakes (eek!).  So, partially out of respect for the animals well-being and habitat, I timidly was led around the staff-only areas from the rhinos to the elephants to the foxes to the primates to the wild dogs to the bears and, lastly, a quick run through of the aquarium... where my irrational fear of the ocean came into play (despite my having been snorkeling a dozen times in my life).  I got to pet a Rhino behind the ears (they skin so ruff)... I got to watch a small fox play with it's toy just like a dog would... I got to feed raisins to a lemur and some apes and various monkeys... (one of which challenged me by huffing his chest (obviously it sensed my overwhelming load of testosterone and manliness)).  I got up close and personal with some wild dogs that looked at me like a (recently lean but) choice cut of beef (as they would have torn me to shreds with their teeth) and I got to feed a peppermint candy to a bear (my hand to it's mouth).  I met every one by name and Kyle provided some interesting tidbit of information about each animal.  He's so kind and gentle with each of them and has a great knowledge. 

The experience was so invaluable and shattered some of the myths that we are fed through the movies that these animals just want to maul us and take over the world.  It also reminded me that we are in their world... not them in ours.  You can't help but see them and reflect on how precious the earth is and question their amazing existence and how they evolved.  I am so thankful for the insight that I got and for the rare opportunity.

Oboes and Hobos

There are some days that it bothers me that I get nothing done and then there are days where I welcome it.  Yesterday was one of those days.  It poured the entire day... so I did some spring cleaning and made it to the gym... grabbed something to eat and ran some errands, then met up with Robin to head to our friend Robert's recital in Morgantown, an hour and twenty minutes away. Like the last one a few weeks ago, it was amazing watching his talent come together in a 16-piece orchestral piece.  We watched three short performances... and then headed back to Pittsburgh to meet up with the Friday night crew at the trashy karaoke bar on the bad side of town. 

I don't know about you, but I love dive bars as opposed to trendy, chic places where everyone is carved out of cream cheese.  I find the people to be much more real in the hole-in-the-wall places... and we have a blast at this place.  With this being Robin's second gay bar outing, she sprang to life like a kid at a circus sideshow, making friends and handing out my blog address... introducing me to people.  I actually met so many nice people last night... and even danced a bit with this great guy named Kyle.  My friends and I wrapped up the night (morning, really) with breakfast at Eat-n-Park and by the time I got in bed, it was 5:30 a.m.  Fun night, but I can't do many of these like this any more.  I definitely feel 'rode hard and put away wet' this morning.  No work getting done today, that's for sure... looks like a nice latte, some trashy Hollywood magazines and a movie later on with Matt is in my future.

I'm glad I'm coming out of my shell, finally.  In the past, I would have just sat at home... or went out by myself and stood there.  Losing weight gave me the confidence to talk to and meet people instead of just leaning against the wall like I used to do.  It's amazing how people actually want to talk to you when you aren't self-loathing and miserable.

Status Quo

With the funk that I've been going through lately, I've been disinterested in most things in my life right now.  I've had a couple of really good, productive days at work and some good workouts, so I am on the upswing of all of that... just in time for another 7 days of rainy bullshit weather... which I think was most of the cause of my last funk.  I'm not sure why I live in this area... with only about 80 days of sunshine... you'd think I would have wised up and gotten out of here, if not for my sanity alone.  I do remember how I felt in Vegas when I lived there for 4 months though... 'can we get a cloudy day already'?  There was so much sunshine it made you claustrophobic.  Somewhere, out there... there's a perfect place for me.  In the meantime, I try to stay on course.

My workouts are still going well... and I'm holding 175 lbs even with adding muscle.  I'm at a stale position right now and need to split my workouts up into two; biceps and triceps and back and chest.  Right now, I'm still doing the overall workout and I'm not that happy with the results.  Trying to gain muscle while losing fat is difficult, but with having 70 yards of mulch staring me in the face in the next couple of weeks, I'm sure I'll be able to get rid of the remaining fat.  Meanwhile, I'm seeing some muscles that I haven't see for quite some time.  Mainly, it's really changed my outlook, giving me self-confidence that I can accomplish things and feel better about myself.

So, with Glee in hiatus... and all of my other TV progrums being all over the place (one week they're on, two weeks they're not), I've been hard-pressed for consistent entertainment.  American Idol seems to be my only staple... and I'm only partially interested in that, as well.  Especially after what happened last night.  Pia was sent home.  It just goes to show that, while they are all talented in their own rite this year, America has no idea what talent is and their taste is awful.  Pia was, by far, the most talented one of the bunch... funny, smart, hot as hell and an angelic voice.  You could pluck Celine Dion right out of her concert and replace her with Pia and you wouldn't know the difference (hell, Celine is so skinny, no one would even know she was there if you left her on the stage with Pia).  It's disheartening.  Perhaps she will be a Jennifer Hudson or a Daughtry, enjoying more success than the actual winners over the last couple of years (less Kelly and Carrie).  It just goes to show, you have to vote for your favorites.  And speaking of favorites, my progrum Brothers and Sisters is probably going off the air.  Cutting, dramatic and full of angst, I guess America would rather watch DWTS or ABDC or some other reality bullshit.  I read yesterday that there will be some upsets in the two hour special (and probably season finale).  Wouldn't it be fantastic if  William Walker were still alive?  THAT would be the best finale ever... well, next to the season finale of the Newhart show where the whole show was wrapped up as a dream... and he wakes up in his bed from the first Bob Newhart show and Suzanne Pleshette is in the bed with him.  Classic!  (fast forward video to 7:30). 

Is This Thing On?

It's kind of funny... people blog for all kinds of reasons and in all kinds of styles.  Some don't allow comments and some do... some give a reply comment to every comment made... and some just put their shit out there for people to interpret, take in comments, but don't reply.  The last one is me.

When I started my blog, I really just wanted to vent.  Never realizing that people would actually read it, let alone get involved, I simply started filtering the comments for anything offensive, but tried to be true and fair in printing every comment that came in, regardless of how it painted me, based on my post.  After all, I could surround myself with people that agree with me, but how would I ever grow as a person then?  My being would be based solely on my perception and perspective of myself and my actions... and, to quote Spo... "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool".  You need the checks and balances in life to keep you in line.  When someone comments, I usually take the information into account and don't usually reply.  I feel that this breeds a safe haven for people to say what they feel without recourse, judgement or opposition from me and allows them to interpret the post as they do.  It gives them a chance to share their experiences and knowledge, give their input, get on their soapbox... and just be themselves.

I like when people comment back to their readers, but it's just not my thing.  I am very appreciative of the time that people take to comment and their concern... it doesn't fall on deaf ears, believe me.

YUM !! (Sporty Spice)

Thanks

Just wanted to say thanks for all the support.  I had a productive day at work (in between rainfalls) and made it to the gym for a great workout.  See... a good night's sleep... venting... and a little bit of gumption... and I'm going again.

Boom

I've been stuck in a non-productive shame spiral over the last week or so.  Not to sound like a broken record, but in my business, erratic weather this time of year not only wreaks havoc on productivity, but on my stress, guilt levels and eventually, my depression cycle as well.  It's been something that I've mentioned a few times already this season, so I didn't want to sound repetitive and whiney, and kept it in.  But that's not good for me... and considering that my blog is my release, holding it in does exactly what I try to avoid.

Over the last few days, I have gotten up and it's been off and on snowing and raining and cold.  So I turn the weather on and I get a confirmation of more of the same.  Maybe I'll get dressed and load the truck up, only to have it rain on my way and have to turn around.  Just coming off of a few months of down time, I am eager to get working for not only my body, but my mind as well.  The stress of a heavy front-loaded schedule in April and May add to my frustration... followed by the guilt of not getting anything done and, in the back of my mind, the self-inflicted pressure of my clients wondering where I am.  The stress builds as the pressure to get the cleanup, mulching and planting done by a certain amount of time builds... coupled with being paid by contract to do the job and the guilt of not being there but being paid to be.  Lastly in the cycle is sitting here helpless with my hands tied at the mercy of the weather... and having more down time that I don't know what to do with myself except think about all of this, and the cycle repeats the next day.

It's wonderful that I have a job that I love... but sometimes I just want a job where I can go to work and bang my head up against the wall, but at least feel like I have somewhere to go every day.  It's maddening, truly.  Fortunately, I have working out, but over the last couple of days, I haven't even felt like doing that.  I sit here paralyzed.  There's nowhere that I want to be... in other words, I don't want to be anywhere.  I get depressed and my whole psyche falls apart just that quickly.  Thoughts creep in that I thought were handled and that adds to my feeling of going backwards, let alone not making any forward progress.  Plain and simple, I need to work or I self-destruct.  I have been uninspired to do anything.  Not a good place to be.

I posted a poem yesterday but quickly took it down.  I feel like I want to explode sometimes and not venting on here makes me a boiling pot of emotions, trying to get out in any way possible.  I don't know whether to madly laugh or cry any more.  After doing so well, this is the demon that I fight again... myself.  Incredible but true... a sunny day can make a world of difference.

Daisy Picker

My contract started March 15th this year instead of April 1st like last year.  Even with the wildly erratic weather that we've been having (and still continue to have)... I was able to log in about 50+ hours so far getting things ready for 75 yards of mulch that I'll be hauling and spreading soon, followed by planting 700 annuals.  Yesterday, it rained, hailed, was sunny and windy all in and about an hour's time.  Since my business is completely reliant upon the weather, it makes it hard to get anything done.  Worse, is feeling unproductive.  Many times I wake up and it's raining, so I set off on a totally different path of errands, only to have it turn sunny and then I feel guilty because I should be working.  Then, I drive home and get changed and load the truck up and it starts to rain.  If there's one thing that I hate is being wet by the rain, especially working in it. 

My clients think that I'm just standing outside looking up twirling an umbrella... when they aren't thinking that I'm just laying under a tree picking daisies and pondering life.

A Fun Night Out With Friends

Now

"Own your crazy"... is something I've been saying for many years and have adopted as my mantra.  For whatever reason... a vagabond biological mother who was always unsettled in life placement and partner... an unstable biological father that took his life... being adopted... being gay... being a Gemini... not going to college... being clinically depressed in the past... all of these factors could have contributed to who I became as a person over the years and why I've always had unrest.  At last count, I've moved 37 times in my life, and I'm 44 (or will be in a month or so).  I've had a number of career changes and show a pattern of the derailment of my own success.  And yet, here I am.  Somehow, I always bounce back, rooted heavily in the security I have in being insecure; knowing that whatever happens, I will be OK. 

I've spoken recently a little about the Strength's Finder Test that I took and talked a little bit about what it revealed about me.  Along that same line of thought (concentrate on what your strengths are rather than trying to change your weaknesses), my ex, Greg, helped me realize that I am who I am... it's probably too late to change much of that... and that I should embrace that whole-heartedly in my life in all aspects... hence, "Own your crazy".  It wasn't until I stopped fighting myself and my every move that I became happy, albeit after a rough period.  After a few reckless moves, I've kind of reeled it in a bit and I'm now at even-keel.

It's hard to pinpoint this period that I'm going through.  While I am 44 and date some younger guys and it seems like I'm flitting all over the place, I'm probably the most settled I've been in a long time... which is funny since, in my current life... nothing is permanent.  My Dad and I rent a place... my business is seasonally contracted... and I don't have a committed relationship.  The only thing permanent is that I know that nothing is permanent and that's OK with me.  In the meantime, I'm trying to live life as simply, but richly, as I can.  That realization that I probably will have a few more careers throughout my lifetime... will be working until the day I die... and that I'll probably move a dozen more times has overflowed recently into my thought process with relationships.  I did the relationship thing from 20 - 39... and I've just recently come to the realization that it's OK that I'm single and that I will probably have people coming in and out of my life.

Getting out of the career pathways self-ingrained by me since I was a kid was difficult.  It was a real mind-fuck to go from a Joe Corporate identity to a Joe the Plumber mentality, settling into massage and landscaping.  My whole identity was how much money I made and what my title was... a fascade of my self-esteem issues of not having a degree.  Once I got past that, I got happy.  And the same goes with my narrow-minded thought process of always having to be in a relationship.  It was a turning point last week.  Slowly, I am making some progress. 

Although I have had the radical life changes, the bout with depression... I don't think that I had a mid-life crisis.  And even though it looks as though I'm displaying some of the tell-tale signs (dating younger guys, working out, going out single), that's not what this is.  For the first time in my life, I have put me first.  I am spending time on me, whether it be self-reflection or taking care of my health or doing things that I want to do... at 44, it's time.  I'm happy with the skin I'm in.

This year, there are some things that I want to try to accomplish.  I want to go to Burning Man ... I want to attend a gay pride parade of a major city, like NYC or Toronto... I want to take a few weeks to drive across the country... and get a tattoo.  These are a few of the things that I've wanted to do for some time but never do.  I'm awake... the time is now.

Communication Miscommunication

I really miss when all you had was a home phone... even before the answering machine.  It was so simple... if you were there and wanted to pick up the phone, you did.  If not, you didn't, like if you were eating dinner or dropping off a load of timber.  Then came the answering machine... and people could leave you a message and you'd be obligated to return their call.  Then came call waiting and caller ID... a further intrusion and obligation in that now you had to guess whether the incoming call was important enough to interrupt your call and with the funny beep, they knew you were home and on the phone with someone else... and since with caller ID, you knew who it was interrupting you, it's like the lazy man's answering machine, where you're obligated to call someone because you saw their name come up on the caller ID.  Next was the pager... and you'd get a random number to call back.  Then came the cell phone... and when you used to be able to say that 'I didn't get your message', we all know that technology has advanced so much that it's not a factor any more... and with it being portable, you are obligated to answer it no matter where you are... and have no excuse for a time lapse to return a call.  Then, a further disconnection from live communication, the text comes into play... a way to interject your thought or question at any time of the day or in any situation.  This was only topped by facebook.... and notification of a message on your phone through facebook... and emails being transferred to your phone... yahoo messenger, twitter, skype...and the list goes on. 

After you get yourself up to speed on all that... then you have to be savvy as to which type of communication your friends are on, what their carrier is and what is their communication source of choice.  I have some friends who only respond through email through their phone... some who only text... some who still have only a home phone... some I have to go through yahoo... some use only facebook for long messages... and texts for medium messages, etc.  It's absolutely fucking ridiculous... especially when someone says they sent you a message.  You have to look at your voicemail, email, yahoo account, facebook, blog, blah blah blah.  Can't we all be on the same page?

Today, a friend asked me to a movie through an email... because of his going to bed at 8pm, our times are way off.  So I was on my way to the movie and got stuck in traffic and texted him to get his ticket and get a seat.  When I got to the theater, I went in and he wasn't there.  I texted him that I was sitting in the theater.  He called me minutes later to tell me that the movie and dinner was for Friday... in his email, I assumed that he meant tonight because he sent it at 6 a.m.  I stayed and watched the movie by myself (Paul... and it sucked)... then went to Panera Bread for my "Fuji apple chicken salad, whole grain baguette, no tomatoes, no onions, no drink, for here and my name is David".  "Is the french baguette OK?"  "What didn't you want on it?"  "What to drink?"  "Is that for here or to go?"  "Can I have a name for the order?"  Next, I went to the Starbucks for my venti skinny hazelnut latte no foam... and what did I get?  A cup full of foam?  Is it irrational to ask her to make me another one... probably.  But if you are going to ask me and I am going to pre-tip you based on the fact that you are going to provide excellent service and give me what I want... THEN JUST GIVE ME WHAT I WANT THE FIRST TIME.  It's just that simple.  Pay the fuck attention to what your only job is... making the coffee that I pay for.

I came home tonight and almost deleted my facebook account... turned off my phone and swore I wasn't going to blog for a week.  Why do we have the need to be plugged in 24-7?  At night, I turn the ringer down on my phone so I can sleep without being interrupted by facebook notifications or texts or emails about sales at Bath and Bodyworks or Sears is having a sale on lawnmowers or friends are sending me pics of train-wreck people at Walmart.  Are things that vital that we can't wait?  Why is everyone trying to say less but talking a whole hell of a lot more?

Stop and Smell the Roses

Yesterday, when I was doing the spring cleanup at work, I couldn't help but reflect on my past business career as a Controller and Operations Manager.  Going to work in a suit every day... sitting behind a desk... going from meeting to meeting... dealing with protocol and office politics and people who had no business being in their positions... working 70 hours a week... the stress, weight gain and tiredness... banging my head up against the wall... all of that has all been replaced with progress.  Sure it's a different kind of  progress that I made back then (for instance... increasing shipping times to 3 days from 3 weeks... increasing sales 300%)... so why do I feel so much more fulfilled in my life now? 

All of those previously mentioned pieces of my day from the past are replaced with working at my own schedule... being outside in the sun and air with my hands in the earth... listening to my favorite music... dealing with no one over my shoulder or under foot and seeing the rewards of progress of planting something, nurturing it, and watching it grow into something beautiful.  It doesn't ask for anything to give it's bounty... a little sun and some rain maybe... but it's free for those to behold.  And as I do my work, surrounded by business people walking about the hotel in their business suits... I notice that they don't notice all of this beauty going on... just as I didn't when I was in their shoes.

I feel like I'm contributing more to life now than in my 20+ year business career and I feel so blessed to be able to appreciate the little things in life.  I'm glad that I can now stop... and smell the roses.

Super S.T.A.R !!!!

A few months ago, I went with Julie to her daughter, Kayleigh's gymnastics meet.  It was a tough meet and seemed like there was some harsh scoring and a little bias, but she did an awesome job, nonetheless.  Over the weekend, she attended the state championships out in Philadelphia and, I'm happy to announce, she was awarded the 2011 Pa State Floor Routine Champion, with a 9.425!!  She also won 3rd on beam, 5th on vault and 4th overall.  What's incredible about this is how many irons she has in the fire... involved in a ton of other activities... and with all the problems she has with her back as a result of doing this type of movement, it's a miracle, really.  I can attest... when I was a gymnast in the 80's, winning lot's of titles, having everyone cut their hair like me.. seeing my face on Wheaties boxes at the Piggly Wiggly, it was a lot of pressure and work and people would say to me "Mary Lou Retton, how do you do it and keep your hair so bouncy?" and I........ oh, shit... wait... that wasn't me... nevermind.

What's also great about this win for her is that she's a senior in high school and will be moving on to college on such a high note, acquiring 2 Gold, 2 Silver and 9 Bronze medals in her gymnastics career.  On a personal level, I'd like to say that it's been a pleasure teaching her everything she knows... and I'm glad that my front tumble tuck roll tumble pass flip flip tumble walk tumble turn hand spring flip back snap snap snap routine helped her win the competition... it's the least I could do... I'm always stage left... never getting MY chance in the spotlight because of talented, over-achieving little...... (but I digress).

Below is the clip of her performance... pay no attention to the woman screaming the whole time... oddly, she was at Kayleigh's last meet as well and despite me trying to have her physically removed, they have some kind of rule that says mom's of champions can be loud and can stay.

YUM !! (Well-Suited Guys)