YUM !! (A Boy and His Dog)

I start my Humane Society volunteer orientation tomorrow night... I'm looking forward to spending time with the dogs... I can use some puppy loving.

Blair Witch (landscaping) Project

For being a landscaper/outdoorsy person, I'm really a city boy at heart.  Put me on the streets of a downtown area at 4 a.m., and I'm fine... but put me in a country woods setting, and my imagination (fueled by such classics as Deliverance, Blair Witch Project and The Village) goes into overload.  It doesn't help that the camp is far away from civilization surrounded by woods... theres a prison nearby and the local rednecks like to ride around on their quads at 2 a.m. shooting things.  It also doesn't help being in a tent because you are literally a 'sitting duck'.  You can't see what's going on around you, and if someone would come up to the tent, you'd be trapped... and they would thrash you with a machete, splattering your fresh blood all over the waterproof fabric and rain fly.. you'd scream but no one would hear you...(breathes deeply).  Anyway, I think that's why Blair Witch Project was so terrifying for me... it's not what you actually saw that scares you... it's what you hear and don't see.  Between paranoia and 9 hours of torrential downpours with lightning, thunder and high winds, I got very little sleep.

The project went off pretty smoothly... I had precut the wood at home, so all I had to do was screw the grill bump-out together... it took no time to assemble.  Sculpting the beds was a little more of a challenge since the area was full of crabgrass.  I needed the dirt to raise the beds, so I basically had to dig it up and pound it against the ground to knock the dirt off.  I dug the fire pit, planted the plants, put the mulch down and added some decorative rocks.  All-in-all, it was a fun, creative project.  It's not very often that I get carte blanche to do what I want, and although there was a definite budget and request for maintenance-free plants, I appreciate my friend's trust in me to do what I think is best, taking into consideration his needs.  It would have been amazing had I been able to plant some flowers, etc... but it's so late in the season and he's only down there on the weekends.... they'd probably die.

It was a nice couple of days out in nature... I saw 18 deer, 6 raccoons, a turkey, and a chicken (that almost lost his life trying to cross the road in front of me).  I got to see my friend, Scott, and was able to just relax a bit as well.  It was nice to be at camp when there weren't a lot of people there.  I'm considering going there for Labor Day week/weekend... we'll see.  I'm still up in the air.

Mountain Air

This morning, I'm heading down to camp for a few days to do a grill bump-out on the deck that I built a couple of months ago and finish the landscaping around it.  I have my tent all packed up.... it should be perfect weather for it... 80 degrees by day and around 50 at night.  I'm looking forward to some solitude... and getting something accomplished.  It will be quiet down there... only a few people in the place.  I'm not taking my computer... I'm unplugging from the world for a few days...

Blah,Blah, Blah

It's been an interesting week/weekend.  I've been running back and forth to my Aunt's house... running her errands and trying to keep my head above water.  I didn't work at the bar this weekend, so I was able to go out and have a few Long Island Iced Teas for myself.... I was on a mission to get drunk, and I did.  A few lunches with some friends over the weekend, and here it is, Sunday.  Tomorrow, I have a little work to do at the Marriott... and then I'm scheduled to head down to gay camp for a few days to do the landscaping project and grill deck bump-out around the deck that I built a month or so ago.  It's supposed to be nice weather, so I'm looking forward to the project and getting away.

I'm off labor day weekend as well... and I'm looking to get away.  I've considered every option in the continental U.S., but it looks like I will either head to Myrtle Beach to see my friend Brad... or, if the hurricane brewing in the Caribbean hits, I may just go to Columbus for an extended weekend.  Florida will definitely be in the Fall and again in January, probably.

I've felt so blah the last couple of weeks.  I've been walking on the trail, 7 miles at a time.... did that Friday and this morning (got rained/poured on for 3 miles of it), but I haven't been able to get into the full swing of getting back to the gym.  I'm having a hard time caring about anything... my apathy is at an all-time high.  I'm hoping that getting this project done and being in the country will help clear my head and give me some much-needed 'me' time.

Fur for RG

RG said I forgot my furry pic for yesterday's YUM!!

The World Before Me

You see the world before me...

the sunrise... the sunset...

what's good... what's bad...

what can be expected.

And there's a certain comfort I receive

in knowing you're on watch

protecting

like a lighthouse

on the world's edge,

the waves calling out your six hour warning...

the gentle breeze enveloping me

in your hold.
I am at rest.

(This poem was inspired by someone I fell in love with
that lived in Germany, and saw the sun rise 6 hours before me)

YUM !! (Screw PETA, Grab Some Fur)

Auntie Mame(d)

Yesterday, it poured all day, so I didn't get to cut grass.  So I got up early this morning, loaded up the truck and headed to the Marriott.  After doing a few projects, I unloaded the lawnmower and, literally, had my hand on the cord to start it when the phone rang and it was the hospital.  My Aunt, who has been in there for 7 days recovering from surgery to remove a large portion of her intestine and her gallbladder, was discharged a day early, and I had to go pick her up.  So I loaded everything back up and headed home, unloaded everything, got changed and went to go pick her up.  A trip to Wal-mart, CVS and 4.5 hours later, I went back home, changed, loaded everything up again and went back to the Marriott to get some grass cut, finally.  Afterwards, I went back over to her place to do a few things, check up on her and make her some dinner.  She's doing much better... although still a little weak.

I have more cutting to do tomorrow... but all I want to do is run away.  It's supposed to be 85 degrees with 50% humidity.... an absolutely beautiful day that needs enjoying.  I have this weekend off from the bar... and labor day weekend as well... I see a trip suddenly coming together.

As Fate Would Have It...

I've started this post a dozen times in my head over the last couple of days... and for various reasons, haven't been able to get it out.  Part of me just doesn't have the energy to verbalize it, probably because this once, I worked through it in my head without having to transfer it to 'paper'...  Maybe I've been processing it all along and it's what I expected, so it's no shock.  Part of me isn't ready to hear the "I told you so"s... but you have to take the chances in life if you want to get anywhere, though.  No one can fault me for that, that's for sure.

I don't remember looking for love before I left for Vegas.. I was just sort of going along.  The night I met John, finding someone was the last thing on my mind, let alone having someone come up to me from my own hometown.  And while the geography part of it worked out great, it posed some other problems along the way, mainly our age difference (he was worried I wasn't going to be around in 20 years when he's my age).  As the relationship went on... differences in the structure of our lives and differences in the separate stage of our lives that we are currently in started to wear on me.  The long and short of it is that I was totally ready for this and he wasn't, and I'm not waiting.  I thought with my heart, this time, not my head, or I wouldn't have gotten involved.  I didn't go looking for this, it found me.  Fate, the very thing that brought us together, was the thing that ultimately would break us up... or at the very least, the unknown future.  By worrying about that, he missed that I was standing right in front of him.

On Saturday, in the middle of an argument, I decided to move on.  We had a very good talk about it and then proceeded to have one of the best days together hanging out and talking and, eventually, just lying in bed holding each other.  We knew it wasn't going to work but neither wanted to let go fully.  We had some very good conversation that day and I know we will be a part of each other's lives and better friends than we already are.  It's amazing, when you remove the responsibility aspect of a relationship, how real and honest things can be... when defenses are down.


As for me, I am stuck in a loop of being 44 in age, 50 in mind...34 in body and 24 in spirit.  I'm not in any hurry to find someone, and I don't even know what that looks like any more.... maybe someone around 35 who has done the work on themselves and has done some living.  I know that it doesn't look like someone much younger... after several attempts, I know it will never work out.  I don't seek that situation out... but I need to learn to walk away from it when it comes next time.

I was able to think with my heart this time, I learned a lot about patience this time around and I've gotten wiser.  Past loves set the bar fairly high... I need someone who has a lot to offer... who can verbalize their thoughts and emotions and mediocre isn't good enough for me.  That may make it hard for me to find someone, if ever, but that's ok with me... I'm not settling.  And while I'm not saying I don't still have things to work through or change about myself, I'm not beating myself up.  I know who I am, what I give and what I have to offer... someone, some day will appreciate me for who I am... body, spirit, mind... and age.

It's Nano Your Business What I'm Listening To...

Today is a better day.  I made it to the gym for the first time in over a week... and did a 4.5 mile walk on the trails... it was gorgeous outside yesterday.

Tids and Bits

The sun is out... it's about 63 degrees with no humidity... it's actually a bit chilly outside, but beautiful.  It does my mood good... I love Fall, and that's what it feels like.  I have some running around to do, but I'm hoping to get outside today to ride my bike on the trail or something.

I've been vulnerable over the last week or so, which has wreaked havoc on my emotions... I'm all over the board.  My Aunt being in the hospital this week hasn't helped, as it, and other things, have sparked memories and reactions that I wasn't prepared to think about.  I'm lonely, sad and mostly want to run and hide.  I hate feeling this way.  The ride should do me good... or maybe I'll get in the truck and drive.  Tonight, we have dinner with some of John's friends... then I'm off to the Blue Moon tonight and tomorrow night.

I've been going back and forth about getting a third job to keep me busy, but I applied to be a volunteer at the Humane Society a block from John's house and they accepted my application.  I have an orientation on August 30th, then I can start dog walking.  I think being around the dogs will do me good.  Over the last couple nights, sleeping well with the cool weather, I've had a lot of dreams... two of them about my dog, Shelby, that passed away.  I miss her.  There's nothing like a dog's unconditional love to make you feel good.  I'm looking forward to giving lots of dogs lots of love.  I think it will do us both some good.

The Wound (An Original Poem)

The warmth of cutting steel across your being...



Out of sight, the band-aid lifts revealing what was thought healed. After the surface is scratched, the wound suprisingly begins to bleed once more, first at a trickle, then gushing. Care and remedy need repeated as the trauma is vividly remembered while pressure applies to control the bleeding from disruption or destruction.

At incision, the cause slipped from hand and fell, and the pain of the cutting was sharp and an end wanted... now, it's realized as deep and desireable.  The gift of feeling something is now feared lost forever, replaced with a useless control, emptiness, scar... and wound that may never stop bleeding.

Drenched in blood, the blade went from warm and comforting to chilled and you weep at the loss and change.

(Disclaimer:  This has nothing to do with depression or suicide, btw... what do you think it's about?)

Miss Independ(Aunt)

This week has been a lot of running around... a lot of social obligations, tasks to work through, errands to run and taking my Aunt to the hospital yesterday for surgery to remove her gall bladder and some of her intestines that have been giving her problems with Diverticulitis.  The surgery went fine, but being 83, it took a toll on her.  She was pretty nauseated afterwards and in pain.  She's recovering in a room, but she's still not feeling great today.  it kills her to not be able to get up and get things done... she's not one to sit around and do nothing (wonder where I get that from?).

My Aunt Dolores is my Godmother... and when my Mom passed in '94 when I was in my late twenties, my Aunt sort of stepped in... mainly in a figurehead capacity of family focus for me.  She's very (dependently) independent, stubborn and set in her ways... and her way is usually the way it (should) has to be done.  I've learned to not reason or argue with her... it's easier for me to just do as she asks... and while that sometimes adds extra (headaches) steps to the process... bucking her usually adds a lot more.  She's very driven and focused... and when something's on her mind, (David) she doesn't rest until it's accomplished.  She works tirelessly to maintain her house and helps out with her sister, Helen, who has Alzheimer's... and her brother-in-law, Lee... who (is worn out from Helen) looks after his wife.  They all go out to Walmart and lunch every day... and then Helen and Lee go over her house for dinner every night and for a sit out in the driveway.  With my Aunt being in the hospital, it poses the situation of what would happen to Helen and Lee if she weren't around to take care of them.

I've never really had a relative that sits down with me and discusses my problems.  My Mom and I would fight about everything I told her... my Dad was never around and now I don't bother him with anything... I've been too busy taking care of my older brother and nephew all this time, solving their problems... so there's no one left.  I've always relied on my friends for support.  My Aunt always asks me what's going on and listens, but we don't have that mentoring/advice giving relationship.  And, as I've gotten older, I've definitely stepped into the role of son, looking out for her.  Although I don't rely on her for support, her being active and strong is what I've always seen in her, much like my Dad... and it's hard to watch slip away from them.  The idea that they can do anything gives me strength and the reality to the contrary makes me feel alone.

She has always been in the background... and always there.  I used to go over her house for sleep-overs when my Mom (had had enough of me) had things to do... and my Aunt would give me iced coffee.  I'd ride my bike over to see her in the summer... thinking it was some really big journey and it was only a quarter mile away, if that.  She has always been a card giver... and usually sends them out a week prior to the event... she never forgets a birthday, sends me a card for Easter (even though I'm not religious) and a big peanut butter egg... and sends me a Christmas card with a check in it for $25.  I take her to lunch or give her a gift certificate for her favorite place, the Golden Corral Buffet, for her birthday, bring her an Easter plant that she can plant in the yard, a hanging flower basket for Mother's day and something for Christmas.  She makes me nutbread and my favorite chocolate chip cookies with marachino cherries every year.  It's our thing.

Life changes as you get older... things change... people die and things aren't the same as they were.  It's important to cherish the time you have with your loved ones because you never know what'll happen.  I never expected to lose my Mom at 27... never had grandparents to enjoy... I've lost many good friends unexpectedly to AIDS, lost an ex, lost my dog after 13 years... several Aunts and Uncles... and mostly in the month of December, which makes Christmas rough for me.  Recently discussing holiday plans with John, I mentioned that I'm usually away in Florida (having spent the last three Christmases in Ft. Lauderdale with friends) and the season isn't any big deal for me because of the loss I've had, and he expressed that he hopes that he never 'gets that way'.  I never planned at 27 to adopt the attitude that I'd ignore the holidays, but life throws things at you that upsets tradition, expectations and what you're used to.  Times change and shit happens and we're never quite the same, which is why you have to appreciate what you have when you have it because you someday, might not.

When I was in my twenties, I was so driven with work and my 'career'.  I moved to Philly when I was 20 and missed my nephew growing up and missed family things that I'll never get back, all over a sense of accomplishment in companies that didn't give a shit about me or the hard work that I put into them.  Now, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be with my family... and although they drive me (to drink) crazy, I'm glad that I have the time for what's important.

Love Potion #9

There are 3 elements to love that's the same for everyone;  lust or romantic feelings... physical attraction and emotional commitment.  I've always had this 3/3/3 philosophy about dating.... within the first three weeks, you're able to get a feel for the person and whether they're full of shit or an axe murderer.  If you can make it that far, then it's usually around 3 months that people's bad habits come out... or your differences can't be worked through.  If you can make it through that, it's smooth sailing until around 3 years.  At that point, it gets stagnant, or you feel you've lost yourself in the relationship or you wonder why you're with that person.  It turns out, there is actually some scientific evidence of my theory...

In the beginning of a relationship when you feel butterflies, lack concentration because you can't stop thinking about the other person, experience hot flashes and queasy stomachs, it's because of a 'love chemical' called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which is similar to an amphetamine.  Present in chocolate and strawberries, it produces a 'euphoria' in the brain and stimulates it to produce dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin... which feels like excitement and happiness in the beginning stages of a relationship.  Personalities change, less sleep is needed, sex drive and energy levels increase and there's a sense of fearlessness (that perphaps causes people to overlook major flaws in the other person, rushing into a doomed marriage).

Sadly, those chemical reactions only last several months (known as the honeymoon stage), then 'normal' personalities return (so the quirky trait that was once cute is now annoying) and the focus on the partner returns back to a focus on work and your life prior to the meeting.  Sex drives are back to normal and a, now, possibly conflicting drive and focus causes that 'falling out of love' misconception.  Focusing on the positive aspects of the other person, accepting strengths and weaknesses and finding common goals and interests are the keys to making it through this stage. 

In the discovery stage, unrealistic expectations are let go and they start to discover each other, clarifying roles, commitment and compatibility.  A common game in this stage is the Distancing/Pursuer Behavior, spiraling out of control in a demand for attention/withdrawaling game where neither person are satisfied, not receiving what they really want because they don't speak up.  Communicating their individual needs is very important and helps move past stages of criticism, defensiveness, vulnerability and withdrawal by practicing acceptance, forgiveness, patience and compassion.

In the connection stage, new chemicals, oxytocin and endorphins, take over.  Oxytocin is known as the 'cuddling' chemical.  Released by both partners during orgasm, it produces a bond between the couple, so the more sex you have, the stronger the bond that forms.  Endorphins are similar in structure to morphine, and calm the mind and reduce pain and anxiety.  Bonds of trust, commitment, cohesiveness and intimacy are strengthened in this stage and become the key to a long-term, monogamous relationship.

In my case, I have experienced most of these stages in my past relationships, however, my longest one was only about 4 years.  We couldn't quite push past some of our differences, but we honestly didn't try, eventually giving up and walking away... something I'll always regret.  Over the last 3 or 4 years, I completely closed myself off to the idea of love, unable to connect or feel anything.  Even with Jesse, the strong feelings that I had for him were probably that of codependency and caretaking (looking back at it now), and I never saw any progress towards a future, which is why I ended it.  Earlier this year, I met someone far away that ignited a flame in me that I haven't had in so long, and I will always be grateful to him.  Utter joy, longing and excitement were felt for the first time in ages, and emotions and expression erupted in me that I barely knew how to contain, let alone understand... probably the most intense I have ever felt.  With the distance, however, there was a level of protection that didn't allow me to feel vulnerable, and posed problems for a future.  Circumstances led to an abrupt ending of that budding relationship, and I not only learned love, but grief as well... the first time ever that I allowed myself that emotional process.  It also left me with both a thirst for love that couldn't be satiated and a certain acceptance of being alone all at the same time... an odd juxtaposition.  I wanted love, but didn't need it.  It's perhaps at that point in your development that, when provided with it, you are most receptive to it.

Christmas in July and Easter

Robin summed it up the other day when she was feeling blah... "it's my December", she said... and that's exactly how I felt this week as well.  With my SADD, the winter... particularly December... is usually my depression time, and it hit this past week out of the blue.  Funny thing is I know a lot of people in the same boat lately... it must be going around like the flu.... a funk flu.

Did you ever have one of those vivid memories of when you were a child, but instead of it being a view from your eyes, it's as though you're standing outside of yourself looking down on yourself and the situation?  When I was probably 3 or 4, my parents had an Easter egg hunt in our yard.  My Dad had me by the hand as I walked around the yard.  I started crying because I couldn't find any eggs, so he took me over to one and pointed it out.  I stood there, paralyzed... looking down at the egg... crying... but wouldn't pick it up.  One of the neighbor kids picked it up and walked off, which made me cry even more.  Pick up the fucking egg, I scream at myself looking back.  It's amazing how our thought process works... sometimes we'd rather stand there and cry than fill the basket with eggs, even if we know it's what we should do and someone points out the egg.

I've been unmotivated to do anything... and barely took care of my responsibilities this past week.  I'm on autopilot.  I'm sure the hot weather has a lot to do with it... but I feel like I need to get a focus.  With my bad eating going from sporatic energy intake to just plain stress/depression destructive behavior, I'm not doing myself any favors with my choices... and haven't been to the gym in over a week.  I talk about this feeling of paralyzation that overcomes me, especially when it comes to working out... or at least in the beginning stages until I get into a routine.  I sit there watching TV... and I know that I should get up and get moving... but I don't.  I just lay there, further guilting myself for not doing it... but even that doesn't get me going, except towards more comfort food.  I know that going to the gym will make me feel like I accomplished something... will get my energy up and chemicals flowing... and yet, I sit, wallowing in my funk.  "Pick up the fucking egg, David.... quit crying and pick it up!"

I'm looking at possible part-time or full-time jobs that will work around my landscaping contract and bartending to keep me busy... and also going to sign up at the Humane Society as a volunteer today.  I think with working so hard for those months to coming to a complete halt... it's hard for me to have so much time on my hands... I don't do well with time on my hands... my shell is cracking.

The Bridge (An Original Poem)

outstretched span over the unknown
by which two become adjoined
no getting around what must be faced
seemingly an impassable opposition
with success of those before
and structure sound
taught, but with sway
you ensue with full weight
will it hold?

deep-seated anxiety overtakes
uncertainty of what lies across
in that which you cannot see demands blind faith
surfacing fears and paralyzation
facing vulnerability
finding trust
controlling emotions all over
mind games
squelching the voice that guides
is it right?

hesitant first steps are taken
a commitment to the crossing is made
safe and definite are soon replaced
haze and fog encircle
closeness overtakes room to breathe
uneasiness, queasiness
racing heart, racing mind
a deaf-ear cry for help
your plight audible in the echo
no hand to hold
second guessing a turn back for safer ground
or pushing through

consequences for back, forward and stop
seconds are like minutes
looking down realizes sure loss
looking outward loses sure-footing
eyes kept straight
step by step, fear by fear
progress is gained unknowingly
the other side now underfoot
your journey continues

through fear comes strength
through loss comes gain
through falling comes stability
through progress comes reward

YUM !! (Nothing's Black or White)

So Much Fun To Be Had

The weekend was crazy busy... our night out... rafting on Saturday, and Kennywood yesterday.  It was a beautiful clear day, but it was still so hot that you could never get cooled off or your thirst quenched.  There were 5 of us in our group and we all had a great time... it's always fun to go back... so many childhood memories.  I got to see Kenny Kangaroo... John bought me a candy apple to go along with all the other bad food that I stuffed in my face (like cheddar bacon potato patch fries... a hot dog... et.al) and we rode a bunch of rides.  In the picture, I'm the one on the far right front, upside down, screaming like a little school girl who's ice cream fell off the cone.... (Oh... I had ice cream too... with sprinkles and a cherry).  Good times. 

Back to the gym though, my body still in severe pain after getting back to there for the first time in months last week and paddling all day Saturday.  I'm anticipating a miserably hot day of cutting grass today, so that should make it extra specially fun.

Now that I'm not heading to Philly and Rehoboth this week, there are a bunch of things that I want to get accomplished on my 'staycation'.  Originally off  this coming weekend from the bar, they decided to open, so I'll be working the next two weekends (Fri and Sat).  Since Kyle has started barbacking a few weeks ago... they want to train him to be a bartender, and that will be my 'out' for quitting and getting my weekends back.