Shedding

I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it, but this is day 6 of the diet/exercise program, with 43 days to go.  Starting out at 190 and weighing 185 yesterday, today I weigh 183... I've lost 7 lbs. in 6 days.  On one hand it's hard to believe, but on the other, with all the crap that I ate and drank, it's no wonder. 

Yesterday, I had my cheesy eggs for breakfast, and I bought this bag of pre-cooked sirloin strips, so I had 8 oz of that for lunch, with a few slices of turkey lunchmeat and some cheese cubes for an in-between snack, and a spinach leaf salad with litle balsalmic dressing, cheese, pepperoni and sirloin strips in it for dinner.  I had 4 bottles of water and a venti skinny vanilla latte (skim milk and sugar-free syrup) at the Starbucks downtown (I went to the RV show, which wasn't open until later in the day and already paid for parking for two hours, was freezing walking around and caved in).  It feels great to not be bloated or uncomfortable bending over.  I haven't made it to the gym yet... imagine how much better if I was doing that... I'm meeting friends there this morning.

Tonight, there's another high school gathering at a bar which is literally across the street from me.  I won't be drinking since alcohol is filled with sugar.  It will be nice to see people that didn't make it to the last one.

Wanda

There are so many good lines in this, it's not even funny....

YUM !! (Root-n-Toot-n-Cowboys)

Free (for all)

I've always been the kind of person that, if I'm mad at you and sit down to write you an email... after thinking it through, editing it and re-reading it 15 times, I very rarely actually send it.  I can really expel my frustrations 'on paper'... it helps me to organize my thoughts, be rational and fair and not hold it all in.  

I sat down for over an hour the other day trying to write a summation on my thoughts on the Sarah Palin/Arizona shooting incident and another today.  Since it's a known fact that I think she is the epitome of a dumb-ass jackwagon, it was hard to say anything, let alone somehow see her side.  While I don't think that we will ever know the intentions of the deranged shooter and if they're connected to Palin, she definitely has blood on her hands.  Whether her choice of words, placement of crosshairs and public image added to any of it, is not for me to judge.  She will get hers.  However, in listening to the media and responses (of politicians, columns, blogs, comments), it's clear that nothing is going to change.  Sadly, for me, the issues aren't even in the fore-front of my anger and frustration... it's the rhetoric and behaviors that I can't get past and, for sure, NONE of that is going to change.  Grand-standing has become the way of life here in America... with everyone trying to get their reality show on-air... or sell their book... or get elected... or whatever else they have sold themselves out for in the name of the 'good' of the people.  Until those goals change, there will never be anything productive done.  When did public service become self-service?

For what I am about to say, I am not proud... but I am honest if nothing else.  I have to admit that my first thought when I heard of the news of the shooting was 'why couldn't it have been Palin?'.   I suppose that comes from a sense that she is unstoppable, with episode after episode after ridiculous episode unraveling and she just gets stronger.  Her followers share the same nonsensical logic of 'shoot-em-up' idiocracy that makes her a threat to peace.  I guess the fear (when you look at her Facebook page comments from supporters) is that the country is far more worse than anyone could ever imagine, and if it came down to it, those who are calling for the end to the violence the most are those who hypocritically hold the guns.  The rest of us are screwed.  And since dialogue and logic and concession are not tools of conversation for these people, the rage sweeps over you that you are forced to stoop to that level to be heard... and then you're no better.  While I am not afraid of other viewpoints, languages, people, religions... I am afraid of irrational behavior, because there's nothing you can do with that to move forward.

Chugging Along

Well, I'm into day 5 and not doing too badly.  I went to the store and picked up some peanuts and some sugar-free hard tack candy last night and that helped me through my progrums, which a good deal of them were pre-empted by President Obama's speech about the shootings in Arizona.   With good reactions toward his heartfelt speech, hopefully the country will give the guy a break and his approval rating will go up.  What's not going up is my weight...  I lost a solid 5 pounds.  With all of my eating vices, I thought it would be harder... and it was 6 years ago when I did the South Beach Diet (I only made it to day 6 then, but lost 7 lbs.).  I'm leaving for the gym in a few minutes for some cardio and easing into weight training.  The main thing is that I feel better... and lighter... and I don't feel like puking when I bend over like I usually do... good times!!

Let It Snow

I got to break the snowblower in this morning, since we got about 4 or so inches of snow last night.  After doing our driveway and our neighbor's, I went over to my Aunt's house, then my Uncle's and finished up with a nearby friend.  It was a little hard since the wind was blowing because when the snow comes shooting out into the wind, it most likely gives you skin dermabrasion that you didn't ask for, however nice that you didn't have to visit an expensive spa and pay for.  The thing that I hate about doing stuff for my relatives is that they always try to pay me, which negates the doing something neighborly thing altogether.  And although they can be a pain in the ass with some of it, I really enjoy doing for them and I always have.  Even as a little kid, I would help them in their yard or wash their cars.  For me, and especially with my Mom passing away, they are my family and, in the case of my Aunt (who is my Godmother as well), she has become my Mom.  My Uncle, her husband, passed away about ten years ago, and she takes care of her sister (who has alzheimers) and her brother-in-law (in the picture with her).  They eat dinner together every night and head out for lunch every day... then they sit on their chairs in the driveway and watch time pass...it's really sweet, actually.

The diet has been going great.  I haven't given in and don't even have any cravings, actually.  Surprisingly, coming from a person who probably drank 6 Diet Cokes and two large lattes a day, as well as stopped at McDonald's at least once a day and ate a shitload of candy and garbage as well.  I weighed myself today... I'm back down to 185, so it's doing some good.  I have yet to get into the gym... but maybe tomorrow.  I'm tired from shoveling today.

Hypocricy At It's Best

"We must stand together against all violence" (except when we're standing with a semi-automatic weapon in our hands)

Snowblower Might Get Some Use Afterall

Bring It On

I did really well with my 'diet' yesterday, which is a big accomplishment for me.  No sugar, carbs, pop, coffee or any junk food.  Just drinking water is huge for me alone.  Usually, I back down a few hours into it, but I've been going strong for almost two days now.  And while I'm really tired from the lack of that empty energy that I'm used to, I feel a lot better today, and will even moreso when I actually get into the gym today. I'm proud of my progress so far, but I still am not a dedicated as I should be, but not trying to be hard on myself.

We're supposed to be getting 3-5" of snow today, which means we will probably just get a dusting.  I think what did it in for us in not getting any snow this year was when I bought a snow blower a few months back.  I've had it idling in my garage for some time now, just waiting for a decent snow fall to use it.

Sputtering Out of Gas

So, 24 hours into my plan to eat better and excercise, I've cut out sugar, carbs, pop, coffee, candy, iced tea and anything else junky and my body is like, WTF?  It's used to being fueled by the hour with all those energy sources... and it's not happy.  I had a nice salad last night... some cheesy pepperoni scrambled eggs this morning... and some chili a bit ago.  I have a slight headache (probably from the caffeine withdrawal) and my energy level has plummeted.  I can't believe I do this shit to my body on a daily basis that led me to this. 

Speaking of weight... although I'm not looking to lose poundage, I am looking to replace fat with muscle.  The official starting weight is 190 lbs.  I have 47 days to change this, starting today.  No more muffin top... no more moobs... no more belly.

I've always been fortunate that I can hide my flaws with clothing.  People are always shocked that I don't work out, but I really don't.  Whatever exercise and muscle conditioning I get, I get it from my jobs.  Going back to my insecurities, both inner and outer, as my body has gone to pot, I hid it... afraid to show anyone what I really look like, figuring that I'd let someone have their idea of what was underneath my shirt, insecurely grasping onto a false idea than exposing the truth.  Posting this picture is a big step for me... it's me letting my guard down and not hiding any more.  I'm also hoping that it will motivate me to practice better habits and to use this as a rude awakening.  Much like a horrible train wreck that you drive by accidentally, I apologize ahead of time for having to view this.

TV and Game On

About 6 months back, I bought an LCD TV to replace my antiquated one.  When I hooked it up using the HD cable (expecting to get a much better picture), I was very disappointed with the outcome.... so I hooked it back up through coax cable and went along my merry way, watching show after show with blurry results.  I was thinking that I was going crazy since I didn't remember the picture being that bad on the old TV.  So I called comcast out to the house, ready to bitch them out that their DVR was a piece of shit.  Meanwhile, in 3 minutes, he hooked the HD cable back up, made an adjustment on my dpi and voila... I was smacked right in the face with a brilliantly clear picture of Oprah's face.... to quote Miss Lisa Kudrow from her cancelled show "The Comeback" (which is making a comeback and is airing again) as the character Valerie Cherish, portraying the character Aunt Sassy.... "I didn't need to SEE that!".  I now have a picture so sharp that I can see details of people's faces that are, quite frankly, TMI (too much information).  The downside is that I have to go through all the progrums that I have set up to record and change them to their corresponding HD channels.  What was channel 12 is now 804.  I hate change.

Speaking of change, I'm using this upcoming trip to springboard myself to fitness.  To the gym tomorrow, I go.  I've recently been watching the MTV show "I Used To Be Fat" and it's (along with feeling/looking like a stuffed pig in those clothes yesterday) motivated me to get off my fat ass.  I have stopped at the store tonight and picked up some veggie burgers, sliced turkey, skim milk, eggs, cheese, etc. and will start the South Beach Diet tomorrow, which means no sugar or carbs of any kind.  I even cleared my stash of junk food and gave it all to my Dad and got rid of my pop and coffee.  I will do a weigh-in, count down and pictures tomorrow and plan to hit it like a psychotic fool.  I'm not specifically looking to lose overall weight, just overall fat... along with making some healthier choices rather than stress choices.  It's time.

Coming Full Circle

Well, as quick as it came about, it happened.  The trip is booked for Feb 26th through March 5th.  We'll be staying at the Gran Melia Cancun.  Years ago, on one of my trips there, I remember being with my boyfriend staying at a hotel down the street from this hotel.  One day, we walked onto the property to check it out and I remember thinking that it was would have been a dream to be able to stay there and it would never happen in my lifetime.  The hotel is in the shape of a pyramid... the interior has an atrium that goes the height of the hotel, and the doors to the rooms all open upon it.  There are vines that grow over the railings that could be 10 stories high.  It will be a dream come true to stay here... some 15+ years later.  I can't wait. 

Throwing a Few Back(s)

A few months back, Guiseppe asked me if I wanted to work a holiday party with him as a bartender.  He runs a local country club that caters a party for a wealthy construction company owner every year.  There were four of us total... he and a girl did all the food setup and one of the chefs came and cooked the food in their huge kitchen in the house and then me, who set up and manned the bar.  The house was a renovated warehouse and was beautifully done, except that the layout provided many bottlenecks for people to, of course, congregate and clog the flow.  The bar was set up in a corner of the one room, right in a doorway... and most of my ice, pop, beer, wine and champagne was across the house on an outside porch, which made running to get it when needed virtually impossible with the crowd of (stupid) people who couldn't take a hint to move.  Other people were crowded into the kitchen area, where the three other people were trying to cook and prepare.  It's been a while since I've done a bartending shift of standing on my feet, and with having to lug all the chafing dishes, etc in for set up and back out for clean up, then getting back to the country club and unloading and then having to scrape all the dirty pots and dishes to clean them, my legs and back were killing me by 1 a.m. when we finished.  I was a sweaty, filthy mess by the end, and stuffing my fat ass into dress pants that I haven't worn in years and a shirt and vest that didn't quite fit, I felt like a stuffed pig.  I definitely need to lose weight (or buy bigger clothes).  $300 earned and 9 hours later, I question whether it was worth it all.

After sleeping until 11, I'm meeting with my friend Mike.  He wanted to take a trip and had no one to go with that could get the time off, so I told him I would.  Originally thinking about Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic, we are now looking at Cancun, which offers more to do than just sit by a pool or on the beach for 8 hours a day, which I get antsy doing.  I've been there 3 times (last time was in 1999) so I'm excited to go back.  The water is like bath water, the beaches are white, the weather is spectacular and it's very Americanized... they have McDonald's and TGI Fridays, etc.  In Punta Cana, you would be limited to your resort and it's a lot more remote.  The whole trip (hotel, air fare, taxes, transfers and tips (and possibly food and drink)) will cost around $600.  We're looking at the end of February before I go back to work mid-March.

Winter

Enjoy the beauty and joy of the season...

Forces Against Us

The other day, I did a short post on the birds falling out of the sky and apparently there were a million fish that died and washed up as well.  There's something that's going on in the world... my friend Michael (Kitty) wrote about the earth's  gravitational pull possibly changing which has to do with magnetic pulls and whatnot.  We get caught up in our lives and forget all the forces that work against us.... tides, full moon, lack of sunlight, rotation of the earth, weather... which are all external forces.  But what about internal forces?  Mental illness, depression, bad habits, the womanly cycle, colds, illness and a bunch more things.  It's incredible how we can even stand up straight, stay upright and function.

There's definitely some unexplained phenomenon going on this year.  I don't know anyone around me that isn't going through some major situation... two or three of my friends are severely depressed... a bunch are sick... and there seems to be some sort of communication conundrum going on.  Self-proclaiming this year as "no means no", I've had some episodes with some friends and had to walk away.  I'm not pinning blame, since it takes two to tango, I'm just not putting up with shit this year.  Life is too short to be unhappy and it shouldn't be so difficult... and respect is something that I feel that I deserve.  Sometimes, the forces that pull us together are ones that we have to release to be able to stay upright.

While I certainly love being there for my friends, this week has been somewhat difficult.  I felt like I was dodging dead birds while they were still falling.  I hope that my friends are all in a better place and that I was able to be a positive force for them.

Oil Change

The other day, an opportunity arose as I was visiting my friend Scott from camp.  On the verge of getting their liquor license that will allow them to have a full bar, they need a bartender.  While I know that I have the experience, schooling, qualifications and overall frame of mind to do it, there's a disconnect between the logic in my head in what seems to be a good fit and not feeling like it will happen, regardless of how obvious it seems that it should happen.  Call it years of being disappointed, negative thinking or just plain thinking that I don't deserve anything good to come to me, but any of those usually have guaranteed a self-fulfilling prophecy in my life.

It's funny with 'deserving'.  Most people are on one spectrum or the other.  Either they think they deserve much more than they do, or much less.  There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.  Sadly, the people who think they deserve everthing (handed to them on a silver platter) are usually the furthest from actuality.  They usually don't put the work in necessary to warrant the benevolent action (which tends to be something that they really don't need/want or is irrational to begin with).  On the other hand, the selfless person who works at such a high level of productivity, say in a work situation or in love or doing nice things, tends to get trampled over by the un-deserving and self-serving.  Being confident, having a set of balls and opening your mouth seems to be what 'gets' and the opposite just gets you disappointed. 

The squeaky wheel, gets the oil.  Good things come to those that wait?  Good guys finish last?  What's the correct cliche'?

Jack-of-All-Trades, Master of None

I've done some research into getting my massage license and it seems a bit futile.  If you don't recall, I had to cease doing massage down at gay camp because I wasn't nationally licensed and the issue was pressed.  For me to get licensed (aside from getting letters of recommendations, meeting continuing schooling requirements, a background check, school transcripts and paying a few different fees), I would basically have to restudy on my own the 600+ hours of schooling plus covering things like Chinese medicine, which is not part of the curriculum when I graduated, in order to sit for the test, which has a very low passing rate (and at $250 a try).  And although the $65+ an hour that I earn is a great reason to pursue it, it's all of the great work that I've done... all the people that I've helped... and that it's a part of who I am, I'm good at it and I enjoy it, that has me weighing the options.  It seems like such a waste to walk away from this experience.  I have more research to do before I make a final decision.

Speaking of my many useless qualifications, many of you may not know that I am a certified bartender as well.  I went to bartending school right as I was in massage school as a way to support myself while in massage.  I worked for a busy Marriott across from the hockey stadium for 3 years and have attended the required classes of Tips (Training for Intervention Procedures) in Pennsylvania and TAMS (Techniques of Alcohol Management) in Nevada.

In addition, I am also a licensed Real Estate Agent in Pennsylvania (license in escrow currently) and was licensed in Insurance in Pennsylvania and Ohio.  I have a license to be an unarmed security guard in Nevada as well (don't ask).

Before I started my landscaping business (a.k.a 'pulling weeds) and massage (a.k.a rubbing hairy men (and women)), I was in accounting and management for 25 years, starting out in restaurant and retail management, holding titles such as District Training Manager, Store Manager, Restaurant Manager, Accounting Manager, Controller, Operations Manager and HRIS Analyst/Project Manager... and I accomplished all of that without a degree of any sort.

I replaced my 70 hour weeks of stress and responsibility with being outdoors, putting my hands in the earth, connecting with people on various levels and a certain amount of freedom in my schedule and my life.  I have scaled down my life and I'm happier now than when I was making $75k a year.  It's not for everyone... and it's hard for me not to want to go back into it since it's also what I'm good at and love (to hate), but I've replaced my self worth in the business world with things that make life a better place.

The pictures below are of my day spa that I designed, Body Elements, in 1999, including the ribbon cutting ceremony, my massage room, my Esthetician's room and the waiting room (double click for larger):

Flying South (Directly)

What's up with the thousands of birds that dropped from the sky New Year's Day in Arkansas?  They are saying that it's some sort of traumatic occurance and they are attributing it to possible fireworks displays.  For me, I know there have been some fireworks displays that were so boring I wanted to drop dead, especially since we light them off for every little thing here in Pittsburgh.  Sounds more like they all flew through some force field, radiation or some sort of chemical.  If you ask me, it sounds like the beginning of the end of the world.  Apparently there were some fish that died as well.

Glazed-Over Donut

This year is off to a weird start.  First, I can't believe we're already three days into it already... it still feels like New Year's Day.  While everybody is back to work today, I just am.  I feel like I'm in a haze of some sort.  If I'm being honest, my motivation level right now is in the single digits.  The piss and vinegar that I was full of New Year's Eve has been replaced with a very bland, warm table wine... heavy and thick.  A few things happened in the last couple of days... nothing major... just enough to bring on the dulldrums.

It's a strange thing with motivation...  There's a disconnect between what we think we want to do and what actually happens.  I guess there are lot of things that can get in the way of progress.  I suppose I should be lucky to even have the motivation in my mind to think about doing stuff or making changes... if I can just get myself moving to do it, that's a different bird altogether.  It's a good thing that we're not all motivated... we'd be bouncing into each other in our fits of energy, and it's a good thing that those sort of people go to the parks and the gyms and such and stay out of our way in front of the donut shop... the buffet... my couch.  The last thing you want is some giddy tart holding you back from doing nothing.

The major crux of my resolution was supposed to be the South Beach Diet and hitting the gym.  The last couple of days, I've been in situations where I've done lunch or dinners (or both) with a 'last supper' mentality, thinking that since I'm starting my diet tomorrow, I better enjoy this meal today as an homage to my previous 'fat-girl' life thought process.  That was three days ago... and gaining momentum (and weight).  I did manage to eat every baked good, cookie and candy item in my house in preparation for not having them around to tempt me... and I even picked up a few more at the store yesterday when I ran out, just to be extra sure.  To make matters worse, the creme brulee candle that Robin got me... the cinnamon apple air freshener in my room... and the candy apple hand soap is making me want to run around my room with my tongue out licking the air and my fingers.  I suck.

Ghost

A few months ago, one of my former classmates (that actually dated my brother for a while and almost became my sister-in-law) passed away, and it was incredible, the chatter and response that started on Facebook.  "Oh, my God, this is a tragedy"... "I can't believe it"... "she was taken too soon"... and all the while, I thought to myself that she was a crack head since she was 16 and died of an overdose... what's so tragic and unbelievable about that?  You can't abuse your body for that long and expect to live a long life.  All those people didn't give her the time of day throughout her life and yet they fell all over her death.  It seemed a little late, to say the least.

She was 43.  My friend's brother, who was also an addict, was in his mid-forties when he died, as was a lot of my brother's friends who he partied with over time.  Yesterday, my Dad got a call from my brother (45).  Apparently, he had encountered a mild heart attack while in rehab, was taken to the hosptial and was released today back to rehab.  I'm not sure if it's because I have been fed so many lies from him over the years and don't know what to believe... or I've detached myself emotionally as a defense mechanism... but I felt nothing.

I suppose I could easily justify my lack of feeling by listing all that he's done and all we've been through, but when it comes right down to it, I don't care whether my brother lives or dies...in fact, I dream of the peace that it will bring to everyone involved when he is gone.  That's a hard realization to admit, and unleashes feelings of emptiness, guilt and anger in me.  I feel empty because I am unable to conjure feelings for this person... guilty for finally (and justifiably) walking away... and angry that he and his behavior turned me into this person... a person that feels more for a stranger on the street... maybe because with that stranger, there are possibilities and hopes of a normal interaction... something that is long-gone with my brother. 

It's easy to judge me.  If you haven't encountered the animal that they become... and the wrath of shit that it brings... you can't imagine.  It's an experience that bears no value, except maybe to the addicts that pull themselves out of it and apply the lessons learned and is able to move forward.  We, however, are left with hurt, mistrust, anger, defeat and a half dozen other emotions that only darken our soul.  Gone is any glimpse of who my brother was, replaced with a hopeless, hollow shell of a person... a ghost... and a part of us becomes the same.