Bridging the Gap

Pittsburgh really is a beautiful city.  Once the steel making capital of the world, it has gone to more greener industry like health-care and technology.  Voted the 'Most Livable' city more than a few times, the record that it does hold is the city with the most bridges in the world.  Boasting 3 more than Venice, Italy, Pittsburgh (city proper) has a whopping 446 bridges.  Add to it three new stadium/arenas, a state-of-the-art convention center, a casino and various sports and history museums, and you can see the progress we've made away from the dirty, old steel town towards a big small-town charm.

To Be Young Again

At Christmas, my friend Robin gave me some gifts to inspire thoughts of my childhood and one of them was a model car.  I used to love to build them, but at this point in my life, I thought between the tedium of the small pieces, my plummeting level of patience and my failing eyesight, I was sure to go mad in the process (which may have been her plan (lol)), so I exchanged it.  I consider myself pretty crafty and, in my heyday, would do all sorts of things from painting to cross-stitch to macrame to wreath making, etc... and Jesse and I would do all sorts of fun stuff... but it was clear, after spending almost two hours trying to come up with some project to do within the exchange and within the parameters of my sanity that I wasn't as crafty as I had thought.  I picked up a travel Yahtzee game which will be great for my upcoming trip and at camp... and a crystal growing box kit, which I've always wanted to try but was afraid I'd poke an eye out or disfigure or dismember myself with the chemicals.  After following the rather complex directions and letting it sit for a few weeks... voila!!! 

If you click on the pictures and then click again, it magnifies the view.... what's really awesome is the rock was propped up in a plastic box, so when the crystals grew, they're now holding the rock up and it appears to be suspended

Tick, Tick, Ticking...

Every once in a while, I watch the show Intervention which follows the life of a drug addict ultimately setting them up for an intervention from their family at the end and hopefully getting them into treatment (which never works).  With all that we've been through with my brother, the show usually sets me off and I'm not sure why I put myself through it.  Perhaps I'm looking for something to tell my Dad to get him to understand the process... perhaps I'm looking to see that someone else's family member was able to pull themselves out of it... or perhaps I'm looking for the addict to show some respect or remorse for what they've put the family through and in turn, live vicariously through them since I have never seen that from my brother.

Coincidentally, while I was watching that (and had just gotten off the phone with one of my brother's friends who, if you recall, stole a check from his sister, forged it and they got my Dad to cash it, only for it to bounce and we still haven't seen the money, and I have to file charges today), there was a knock on the door.  I looked outside and, in a split second, recognized the car from the last time I saw my brother... the guy was supposedly just driving by and picked him up while he was walking here when he wanted a ride to a shelter (i.e. he ultimately wanted money).  After I came back down to take him, he said that guy was going to take him.  I remember thinking that it must have been one of his friends who brought him here thinking he was going to score money and they could go get some drugs, like what's happened so many times before.  Anyway, this guy comes to the door with his son, a Bible in-hand and bearing a cross and wanted to talk to us about my brother, to get a better understanding.  Immediately, I could feel my blood pressure rise, especially as he didn't seem to have a purpose other than to see how God could help who, if you subscribe to that line of thinking, already 'helped' out quite a bit in my brother's situation.  All of the work that I had done to achieve a sense of peace was quickly unraveling as my poor Dad, confused as to who this person was and what he wanted (thinking that the rehab place sent him at ten o'clock at night to gain understanding), was standing there dredging up the past, becoming frustrated and angry himself, and I enraged as it went on.  Were it not for him bringing his 4 year old with him, I would have thrown him out earlier followed by a few explicatives.  To make matters worse, he said that, while in his car, my brother admitted that there was nothing else that my Dad and I could do to help him and that he was remorseful for all that he had done.  Bullshit.  My brother was conniving his next move.  I've seen it all before and it's nice that he can tell a total stranger that in a 10 minute car ride, but can't say that to us unless he wants something.

While I couldn't really come up with the guy's reason for being here (and why you'd bring your small child into a possible volitile situation that you know nothing about), if he was here just to try to help, then it's nice to see.  But despite my disbelief in religion, who do you think you are poking your nose in a situation where your only insight has been that of a tweaked user who will lie and say anything to get what he wants?  On top of that, a Bible and cross and twenty-some years of life doesn't make you an expert in family counseling or drug rehabilitation... certainly if 4 times in jail and 7 times in rehab hasn't been able to do it, this kid (who couldn't have been more than 30) isn't going to be able to say a few 'hail Mary's' and fix everything. 

Exciting my Dad or offering him some false hope isn't therapeutic.  And while my Dad was quick to open up, being confused as to why the guy was here to begin with, I don't think that was the avenue to explore finding more peace... in fact, it did just the opposite. 

This is how my brother, even held up in a rehab facility, can bring a shit-storm of anguish upon us.

Happy Martin Luther King Day

I can't help but think what a great man he was... a champion for peace, honesty and what's right.  Not to take away from the strong, black brother and sister today, but I also can't help but be selfish and wish that we had our rights... to marry... legal rights... medical rights... and rights of survivorship.  And while none of them really pertain to me at this point in my life, it's still unsettling that as a white male, I have every right in the world... but when you add love into the equation, those rights are stripped and you are less than whole.

The 'gay agenda' that you hear people talk about is just basic human rights.  We're not asking for any special priviledges.  MLK, Jr. spoke of America not making good on it's promise (promisory note) and the check written returned for non-sufficient funds.  I am not 'non-sufficient'... I am a law-abiding, tax-paying, productive member of society... make good on my check, bitch!

It's Nano Your Business What I'm Listening To...

From Country Strong... the Golden Globe-nominated song, Coming Home, sung by Gwenyth Paltrow... 

Spit It Out...

I'm not one for tradition, formality or pomp and circumstance, so it's no wonder that I don't get the British monarchy.  You couldn't pay me enough to step into the position of King.  Nonetheless, I loved the King's Speech, which I saw tonight.  Such a great cast giving award-worthy performances.  With a balance of staunch realness, historical acuracy and, yes, even some British comedy... it's a wonderful way to spend a few hours.  Sadly, as I write this (with the Golden Globes on my TV), Geoffrey Rush didn't get best supporting actor... but maybe an award for Colin Firth?  (UPDATE:  Yeah!!)

Today marks the 7th day of the diet and I lost 9 pounds, so far.  I have no more cravings and barely think about the food and drink that I'm not putting in my mouth.  I think my stomach has shrunk, because I can't and don't want to eat as much.

UPDATE:  Congrats to the songs from Country Strong (Gwenyth's closing song) and Burlesque (both Christina's song and Cher's (which won)!!... and to Chris Coffer from Glee for winning Best Supporting (gay) Actor in a comedy... and Jane Lynch for Best Supporting (gay)Actress... and Glee for Best Comedy Show (gayest show on TV) and The Kids are Alright (gayest lesbian movie ever)

Things Are Not As They Seem

Win, Lose or Draw

I went across the street to the bar last night and hung out with people from high school.  After our reunion back in October, we had a little gathering at another bar right before Christmas.  It's nice to reminisce about the olden days, and it helped that they were playing some 80's music on the jukebox.  One of the sports stars was there and I had a crush on him, so it was interesting getting to know him some 25 years later.  We're all just people trying to get through life.  As damaging as high school can be to your reputation and self-confidence, to name a few, being popular and not being popular gets you pretty much to the same place in life.  I had three drinks while I was there, which is a no-no for the diet, with all the sugar in the alcohol.  It apparently did it's harm, because this morning I was pretty much at the same weight as yesterday. 

Today, I'm heading to the RV show.  Not that I'd buy a brand new one, but it's nice to look.  If I do get the job bartending at camp, which I should know about soon, I would be either getting a small employee room or they'd give me free lot rent, which is $2,000/yr.  If I can pick up a cheap trailer, it may be worth my while to do that to utilize the benefit.  It would also be nice to have a small trailer that I could hook up to my truck and take off with across the country.  I have these fantasies of hooking it up, having the dog that I don't have jump in with me and go out on an adventure out west with the time that I don't have in the summer.  There's a lot of the desert area around Utah and Arizona that I'd like to explore... maybe make a campfire, roast a weenus or two (one for me and one for the dog) and sing a round of Kumbaya or some shitty, twangy country song... just like when me and Injun' Joe would head out onto the Plains on our horses spitting chew tobaccy, sharing a sleeping bag at night, holding each other to stay warm, skinny-dipping in the river the next morning and.... oh, wait.... that's another fantasy altogether.

Country Strong

I went to see Country Strong today by myself.  We've seen the story several times in real life (most recently with Britney and Lindsay) and in the movies.... a superstar's fall from grace and attempt to get back on top, but it's the acting of the ensemble that's so wonderful in this one.  Battling alcoholism and a difficult marriage, Kelly Canter (Gwenyth Paltrow) gets out of rehab a little too early, still battling the demons and nay-sayers of her last concert where, drunk, she stumbles over a mic cord and falls off stage, losing her 5 month old baby.  Her husband (Tim McGraw) fights to get her on top again so she doesn't go out in bad light, even though you get the feeling that she doesn't want it any more.  You can't help rooting for her.  While she's no superstar singer herself, she does a great job with the songs and even better capturing the angst of Kelly.  Tim McGraw, who also gave a great performance in the Blind Side, has become one of my favorite actors.  With supporting actors Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester (who give great acting and singing performances), it's a great watch.  There are some dark overtones, however... otherwise, it wouldn't be a country song movie.  I was choked up several times and the ending will leave you speechless.  It's definitely a must-see...

Shedding

I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it, but this is day 6 of the diet/exercise program, with 43 days to go.  Starting out at 190 and weighing 185 yesterday, today I weigh 183... I've lost 7 lbs. in 6 days.  On one hand it's hard to believe, but on the other, with all the crap that I ate and drank, it's no wonder. 

Yesterday, I had my cheesy eggs for breakfast, and I bought this bag of pre-cooked sirloin strips, so I had 8 oz of that for lunch, with a few slices of turkey lunchmeat and some cheese cubes for an in-between snack, and a spinach leaf salad with litle balsalmic dressing, cheese, pepperoni and sirloin strips in it for dinner.  I had 4 bottles of water and a venti skinny vanilla latte (skim milk and sugar-free syrup) at the Starbucks downtown (I went to the RV show, which wasn't open until later in the day and already paid for parking for two hours, was freezing walking around and caved in).  It feels great to not be bloated or uncomfortable bending over.  I haven't made it to the gym yet... imagine how much better if I was doing that... I'm meeting friends there this morning.

Tonight, there's another high school gathering at a bar which is literally across the street from me.  I won't be drinking since alcohol is filled with sugar.  It will be nice to see people that didn't make it to the last one.

Wanda

There are so many good lines in this, it's not even funny....

YUM !! (Root-n-Toot-n-Cowboys)

Free (for all)

I've always been the kind of person that, if I'm mad at you and sit down to write you an email... after thinking it through, editing it and re-reading it 15 times, I very rarely actually send it.  I can really expel my frustrations 'on paper'... it helps me to organize my thoughts, be rational and fair and not hold it all in.  

I sat down for over an hour the other day trying to write a summation on my thoughts on the Sarah Palin/Arizona shooting incident and another today.  Since it's a known fact that I think she is the epitome of a dumb-ass jackwagon, it was hard to say anything, let alone somehow see her side.  While I don't think that we will ever know the intentions of the deranged shooter and if they're connected to Palin, she definitely has blood on her hands.  Whether her choice of words, placement of crosshairs and public image added to any of it, is not for me to judge.  She will get hers.  However, in listening to the media and responses (of politicians, columns, blogs, comments), it's clear that nothing is going to change.  Sadly, for me, the issues aren't even in the fore-front of my anger and frustration... it's the rhetoric and behaviors that I can't get past and, for sure, NONE of that is going to change.  Grand-standing has become the way of life here in America... with everyone trying to get their reality show on-air... or sell their book... or get elected... or whatever else they have sold themselves out for in the name of the 'good' of the people.  Until those goals change, there will never be anything productive done.  When did public service become self-service?

For what I am about to say, I am not proud... but I am honest if nothing else.  I have to admit that my first thought when I heard of the news of the shooting was 'why couldn't it have been Palin?'.   I suppose that comes from a sense that she is unstoppable, with episode after episode after ridiculous episode unraveling and she just gets stronger.  Her followers share the same nonsensical logic of 'shoot-em-up' idiocracy that makes her a threat to peace.  I guess the fear (when you look at her Facebook page comments from supporters) is that the country is far more worse than anyone could ever imagine, and if it came down to it, those who are calling for the end to the violence the most are those who hypocritically hold the guns.  The rest of us are screwed.  And since dialogue and logic and concession are not tools of conversation for these people, the rage sweeps over you that you are forced to stoop to that level to be heard... and then you're no better.  While I am not afraid of other viewpoints, languages, people, religions... I am afraid of irrational behavior, because there's nothing you can do with that to move forward.

Chugging Along

Well, I'm into day 5 and not doing too badly.  I went to the store and picked up some peanuts and some sugar-free hard tack candy last night and that helped me through my progrums, which a good deal of them were pre-empted by President Obama's speech about the shootings in Arizona.   With good reactions toward his heartfelt speech, hopefully the country will give the guy a break and his approval rating will go up.  What's not going up is my weight...  I lost a solid 5 pounds.  With all of my eating vices, I thought it would be harder... and it was 6 years ago when I did the South Beach Diet (I only made it to day 6 then, but lost 7 lbs.).  I'm leaving for the gym in a few minutes for some cardio and easing into weight training.  The main thing is that I feel better... and lighter... and I don't feel like puking when I bend over like I usually do... good times!!

Let It Snow

I got to break the snowblower in this morning, since we got about 4 or so inches of snow last night.  After doing our driveway and our neighbor's, I went over to my Aunt's house, then my Uncle's and finished up with a nearby friend.  It was a little hard since the wind was blowing because when the snow comes shooting out into the wind, it most likely gives you skin dermabrasion that you didn't ask for, however nice that you didn't have to visit an expensive spa and pay for.  The thing that I hate about doing stuff for my relatives is that they always try to pay me, which negates the doing something neighborly thing altogether.  And although they can be a pain in the ass with some of it, I really enjoy doing for them and I always have.  Even as a little kid, I would help them in their yard or wash their cars.  For me, and especially with my Mom passing away, they are my family and, in the case of my Aunt (who is my Godmother as well), she has become my Mom.  My Uncle, her husband, passed away about ten years ago, and she takes care of her sister (who has alzheimers) and her brother-in-law (in the picture with her).  They eat dinner together every night and head out for lunch every day... then they sit on their chairs in the driveway and watch time pass...it's really sweet, actually.

The diet has been going great.  I haven't given in and don't even have any cravings, actually.  Surprisingly, coming from a person who probably drank 6 Diet Cokes and two large lattes a day, as well as stopped at McDonald's at least once a day and ate a shitload of candy and garbage as well.  I weighed myself today... I'm back down to 185, so it's doing some good.  I have yet to get into the gym... but maybe tomorrow.  I'm tired from shoveling today.

Hypocricy At It's Best

"We must stand together against all violence" (except when we're standing with a semi-automatic weapon in our hands)

Snowblower Might Get Some Use Afterall

Bring It On

I did really well with my 'diet' yesterday, which is a big accomplishment for me.  No sugar, carbs, pop, coffee or any junk food.  Just drinking water is huge for me alone.  Usually, I back down a few hours into it, but I've been going strong for almost two days now.  And while I'm really tired from the lack of that empty energy that I'm used to, I feel a lot better today, and will even moreso when I actually get into the gym today. I'm proud of my progress so far, but I still am not a dedicated as I should be, but not trying to be hard on myself.

We're supposed to be getting 3-5" of snow today, which means we will probably just get a dusting.  I think what did it in for us in not getting any snow this year was when I bought a snow blower a few months back.  I've had it idling in my garage for some time now, just waiting for a decent snow fall to use it.

Sputtering Out of Gas

So, 24 hours into my plan to eat better and excercise, I've cut out sugar, carbs, pop, coffee, candy, iced tea and anything else junky and my body is like, WTF?  It's used to being fueled by the hour with all those energy sources... and it's not happy.  I had a nice salad last night... some cheesy pepperoni scrambled eggs this morning... and some chili a bit ago.  I have a slight headache (probably from the caffeine withdrawal) and my energy level has plummeted.  I can't believe I do this shit to my body on a daily basis that led me to this. 

Speaking of weight... although I'm not looking to lose poundage, I am looking to replace fat with muscle.  The official starting weight is 190 lbs.  I have 47 days to change this, starting today.  No more muffin top... no more moobs... no more belly.

I've always been fortunate that I can hide my flaws with clothing.  People are always shocked that I don't work out, but I really don't.  Whatever exercise and muscle conditioning I get, I get it from my jobs.  Going back to my insecurities, both inner and outer, as my body has gone to pot, I hid it... afraid to show anyone what I really look like, figuring that I'd let someone have their idea of what was underneath my shirt, insecurely grasping onto a false idea than exposing the truth.  Posting this picture is a big step for me... it's me letting my guard down and not hiding any more.  I'm also hoping that it will motivate me to practice better habits and to use this as a rude awakening.  Much like a horrible train wreck that you drive by accidentally, I apologize ahead of time for having to view this.

TV and Game On

About 6 months back, I bought an LCD TV to replace my antiquated one.  When I hooked it up using the HD cable (expecting to get a much better picture), I was very disappointed with the outcome.... so I hooked it back up through coax cable and went along my merry way, watching show after show with blurry results.  I was thinking that I was going crazy since I didn't remember the picture being that bad on the old TV.  So I called comcast out to the house, ready to bitch them out that their DVR was a piece of shit.  Meanwhile, in 3 minutes, he hooked the HD cable back up, made an adjustment on my dpi and voila... I was smacked right in the face with a brilliantly clear picture of Oprah's face.... to quote Miss Lisa Kudrow from her cancelled show "The Comeback" (which is making a comeback and is airing again) as the character Valerie Cherish, portraying the character Aunt Sassy.... "I didn't need to SEE that!".  I now have a picture so sharp that I can see details of people's faces that are, quite frankly, TMI (too much information).  The downside is that I have to go through all the progrums that I have set up to record and change them to their corresponding HD channels.  What was channel 12 is now 804.  I hate change.

Speaking of change, I'm using this upcoming trip to springboard myself to fitness.  To the gym tomorrow, I go.  I've recently been watching the MTV show "I Used To Be Fat" and it's (along with feeling/looking like a stuffed pig in those clothes yesterday) motivated me to get off my fat ass.  I have stopped at the store tonight and picked up some veggie burgers, sliced turkey, skim milk, eggs, cheese, etc. and will start the South Beach Diet tomorrow, which means no sugar or carbs of any kind.  I even cleared my stash of junk food and gave it all to my Dad and got rid of my pop and coffee.  I will do a weigh-in, count down and pictures tomorrow and plan to hit it like a psychotic fool.  I'm not specifically looking to lose overall weight, just overall fat... along with making some healthier choices rather than stress choices.  It's time.