Another Funny Cartoon to Make You Laugh At Something You'd Cry About

Leaves Me Empty

I worked at the Marriott today, trying to get things on my list done for the season.  It was pretty much cold and rained on me throughout.  I removed so many leaves and did a final cut on some of the areas.  Back again tomorrow.  I've been kind of blah for a few reasons... and then I saw some sort of animal riggling in the road after it got hit and that pretty much ruined an already drab day.  Not too much else to say, especially after all the long posts that I've been doing.  Not exactly easy reading in both content and length.

I See the Light (At the End of the Tunnel... Hopefully It's Not the Lynch-Mob's Torch)

Today was one of those trying family days.  With the sale of the house, there's a few things that I wanted to get settled while we had the proceeds and one of them was pre-paying my Dad's funeral.  I made an appointment for 10 a.m. this morning and went downstairs to get my jeans from the laundry room at 9:20 and my Dad was standing there by the door with his coat on.  I jokingly asked him if he was in a hurry to die and get buried since the funeral home is only 3 minutes from the house.  I'm not sure why old people always want to be so early... maybe they think that they'll need extra time... maybe they are so excited that they have something to do... or, as I have surmised (in the cases of my Dad and Aunt), they just have nothing else going on and need something to obsess about.  We got over there in plenty of time and went through all the arrangements, settling on a $2,000 modest casket and two viewing times on the first day and one the second morning followed by a religious service and then the customary Italian eating fest afterwards at the local American Legion Hall.  My Dad didn't want the pomp and circumstance of the funeral procession and service at the grave, which saved a ton of money, considering that the hearse rental for the trip 3 miles away is $600.  Total funeral cost was almost $10,000, still.  After that, we went to the bank to set up an irrevocable funeral trust in the form of a CD, which protects the money in case my Dad would have to go into a nursing facility and Medicare/Medicaid came after his assets.

The family crazy train didn't stop there though.  My Aunt, who always says she hates bothering me with her problems but doesn't try to work through them at all, then proceeds to call me several times a day over something that is less important than, well anything imaginable.  This time, with the daylight savings time, I had to go over there and adjust her timers on her Malibu landscaping lighting and... (wait for it)... her sambo jockey lantern statue.  I've talked about it before... how their generation thinks nothing of still calling black people 'colored'... and while I don't think they'd burn a cross in their yard and don a white hood, calling them 'black' or 'African-Americans' is surely not in their thought process.  That's what makes having a miniature black man dressed in a jockey uniform holding a lantern so your white guests can see walking down your sidewalk a bigger slap in the face than, probably, burning the cross.  Regardless of my civil rights views, I adjusted the timers.  That was yesterday.  For some reason, they did not come on (I suspect it was God punishing her for her blatant racism), so she called me again and I had to go over there and check it out.  The landscaping lights were easy, but Sambo needed a new bulb, so off to the store I went, since surely she couldn't handle that task.  Plus, it would have delayed fixing it and I would have still had that hanging over my head.  It seems that I can never get out from under someone elses punch list of things to do.

It's been raining and raining... I'm ready to build an ark.  I suppose it's good, but it's supposed to keep on raining for the next couple of days.

November 20th, National Survivors of Suicide Day

I'm doing this post for a few reasons.  First, with the recent slew of gay suicides across the country and, secondly, I almost became one of these statistics:

•Over 34,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
•In 2007 (latest available data), there were 34,598 reported suicide deaths.
•Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States (28,628 suicides).
•Currently, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States.
•A person dies by suicide about every 15 minutes in the United States.
•Every day, approximately 90 Americans take their own life.
•Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
•There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
•There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.

A few years back, after a stagnant point in my life, I decided to make some changes.  I had just had a major break up,  lost a job, and my dog, Shelby, had died, so I thought I'd move for a fresh start.  Prone to clinical and seasonal depression already, the situational depression just added to it, but I was optimistic with a new focus.  With Philadelphia, Ft. Lauderdale and Las Vegas in the running, I chose Las Vegas.  I was working at the Marriott at the time as a bartender and thought that I'd probably have a better go of it in Vegas since, at the time, it was thriving.  I put my house up for sale and had someone who was going to buy it, but backed out four days before I was ready to leave.  Having a low mortgage, I decided that it would be feasible to pay the mortgage while living out there, meanwhile trying to get it sold from out there. 

After racking up my credit cards to get out there and a swift decline in the economy, especially in that area, I quickly realized that unless I grew some hooties, employment in the hotel business/bartending was going to be abismal since they were basically only hiring beautiful girls... having their pick from the 3,000 people a month that were moving there thinking it was a goldmine.  I quickly ran out of money and, soon thereafter, hope.  I applied to so many jobs and would show up to open casting calls for bartender jobs where thousands of people would come out to apply for one job.  I started to withdraw from friends that I had made out there and would take long drives in the desert to clear my head, only to delve deeper into my head, as the mysterious desert has that effect.  Consumed by my own thoughts that never stopped swirling in my head, I spiraled into a deep depression, barely eating and leaving my room.  As it progressed over a month, I stopped all basic care, slept days away and was up throughout the nights and didn't leave the apartment, much less my room, for 5 day stretches.

By this time, I had given up hope of turning my life around.  I was in debt and saw no way out.  A friend, Kahnrad, that I had met out there was going through somewhat the same thing so, at least, we had each other to talk to, since misery loves company.  We both had discussed ending our lives and then we stopped communicating to each other.  I became consumed with getting rid of my stuff, I didn't answer my phone any more because I didn't feel I had anything to contribute to a conversation but gloom and despair, and I became disconnected from everyone.  My Myspace page became a shrine to my depression and I wrote some poetry that I had posted.  My friend, Elaine, who basically moved out there with me but hadn't moved in officially yet and barely was out there, didn't know what to do with me.  I opened up to her about my suicidal thoughts and with the geographical distance between us and the depression being a part of me then and in the past that I never shared with her and she was floored.  Not being able to help me, she pulled back.  I made my Last Will for what little I did have left and I became consumed with ways to commit suicide.  With the Grand Canyon being only a few hours away, I decided that I would drive there and simply walk off the side of the canyon.  As I'm writing this, I get chills thinking how I was only days away from carrying this out.  The level of despair and apathy was incredible.  Finally, I answered the phone one day and it was my friend Matthew from here in Pittsburgh.  He talked to my friend Anna who was my boss at the Marriott and they convinced me to move back home and come back to my old job.  I'm not sure what snapped in my, especially since it really wasn't a great situation to go back to, but I packed everything up and came back and moved back into my house, which was just sitting there empty for 4 months..

The worst thing for my mental health has always been unemployment.  Miserable-but-working is always a better strategy for sanity for me because with too much time on my hands, I turn inward and basically drive myself bat-shit crazy.  When I came back, I told myself that I would only concern myself with getting up, going to work and going to sleep, and I did that for a few months before I slowly edged my way back into caring about anything and out of my depression, which took a couple of years to fully get beyond.  Dealing with an increased amount of debt, a house that I didn't want to be in and no direction in my future, I was reduced to an infant mentality of coping, ignoring most things that faced me to get through the recovery.  A 'fuck everybody' attitude had to be adopted.  Depression is a dark place where some don't get out. While in it, I felt a comfort of feeling something... despair, hurt, etc. Coming back out of it, I felt nothing and actually longed to be back in it where although I felt dead inside, I was feeling that death on a daily basis and it was something to feel.  I traded hope for an end back into hope for a future, however dismal.

My birth father shot himself in the head in the bedroom with 4 kids (I wasn't there) downstairs in the living room about a year after I was given up for adoption.  Upon learning this years ago, I often think about the genetics of a chemical imbalance and how it's out of your control.  I am happy to say that I am a long way out of it now.  I still have my bad days, but I can honestly say that I have moved forward and have much hope for my future, unlike that point in my life.  I am posting this a few days before the official day because to be a survivor (not that I survived suicide, only depression), you have to stop it... and that's the hard part, obviously.  For me, it was a focus on something other than the end.  Be aware of friends and family that show the signs of depression and suicide and although you may not know what to do, just be there.

As a tribute, I would have liked to have shared a few of the poems that I wrote during that period, but with the virus that I had over the summer and losing my whole computer, I'm not sure that I have them any more, but I will look for them.  Instead I will post the video from 'The Secret', something that I watched every morning for months to get me through and rebuild my confidence and self-worth (with a special connection to the passage at around 1:10 (cliff divers).  Maybe not having the poems is a good thing (to not be reminded), and maybe not.  My recently-planned (but cancelled) trip to Vegas was going to serve as therapy to move through it and put closure on the worst time period of my life once and for all.

Let Me Get That For You...

The dinner party last night was excellent.  Compared to the party with my friends on Saturday night where we talked about hooking up and the antics at camp (the guy into scat)... the conversation was more refined with various topics such as religion, politics and business, to name a few.  I absolutely love meeting new people and trying to figure them out.  Giuseppe did an excellent job with the food... with the turkey and stuffing being my favorite.  Starting at 5, the last guest left around 11, and G and I watched our programs and passed out until around 2:30 a.m.  It wasn't until I was on my way home that I remembered that the cleaning people were coming at 8 a.m. this morning.

After a few hours sleep, I sprang up and was able to clean the laundry room from top to bottom before they got here and washed the throw rugs from the bathrooms and the kitchen.  I'm having them do a really deep clean, moving stuff and doing windows, etc.  I'll probably have them back twice a month.  Sadly, with me being my own worst enemy, I have a combination of Italian guilt and self-persecution going on, mixed with a business style that stems from that where I usually, when assigning jobs, take the shittiest one myself.  I'm not sure if I'm trying to prove that I'm not better than anyone else or it's a control issue (not trusting people to do it right)... or if I like doing the worst job because I love the satisfaction of standing back and seeing the glaring results.  Regardless, I would never allow myself the pleasure of having someone do everything for me.  As a result, I told them not to do my bedroom and bathroom.  It keeps me honest, I guess.  I'm very happy to have the help though since, usually, by the time that I get one floor done and move to the next, it's time to go back and do the previous floor again.  It never gets finished completely.  I'm about to explode from actually getting things accomplished over the last month.  It's a good feeling.

Hodge Podge

It's been a busy couple of days.  I was able to get my Uncle's foundation painted and wrapped up before the weather is supposed to change a little bit this week.  I'll spend some time at the Marriott in the beginning of the week wrapping up Fall clean up before the snow comes.  I bought a snow blower yesterday... watch, we won't get any snow to use it, since they said it was supposed to be an average Winter.  Monday, I have a cleaning lady coming to give the house a good cleaning (my Dad's areas)... and possibly they will come twice a month.  At $15 an hour, have at it... I can't get caught up to save my life.  I also picked up a carpet cleaner and I need to do the steps and the long entry throw rugs as well as my truck.  They finally got the building across the street from me finished and we got our first neighbors to move in... a young couple.  Now I can't walk around in my bedroom naked with the blinds up.  They are still building more units.  It's amazing how many people are renting, since they can't get mortgages.  We're meeting with the funeral home to go over my Dad's arrangements (to pre-pay), so that should be interesting.  I got all of his automatic withdrawals from his old checking account switched over and a bunch of things cleaned up.

Last night, Matt had a really nice party... there were about 12 of us... he jokes (or maybe not) that it was my party, since I invited a bunch of our friends so that it would be a nice turnout.  His normal spread of a half-opened bag of pretzels and some TV show on Hulu playing in the background was a thing of the past, replaced by a nice spread of food, a full bar and trendy (albeit loud) music in the distance.  As it normally goes, we all sat around talking about the escapades at camp.  Giuseppe (I call him Yippy) came, and I think he had a good time.  He is fitting in well with the crowd.  I am heading over there tonight for dinner with 6 of his friends.  I'm trying to control my anxiety, since I don't do well in social settings like that... so we'll see. 

My brother is in a rehab facility (again)... I'm not sure if he checked himself in or what happened, since we never get the full story.  With every time this happens, it becomes more apparent that no matter what we do to help him, he needs to really hit rock bottom, which he never seems to accomplish.  My Dad wants nothing to do with him, and I'm hoping that this will be the opportunity, in the name of his progress, for us to remove ourselves completely from his situation so that he can grow.  Easier said than done.  The pattern is always one of his 'seeing the light' and then he needs all this help on the new path and if we don't help him, then we get guilt for 'how we can be so cruel'.  There's better odds of winning at the craps... but I'm going to step up to the table and take my turn to throw the dice regardless.

By this time of the year, I am well into my depression pill regimen, but I've chosen to not go that route this year.  With all that has been going on and the nice weather, as well as things coming together, working out and dating... I feel good about my decision so far.  The Florida trip will hit right in the middle of the 'death month' (December is when everybody I know that passed away, passed away) and the dreaded holidays... so a good shot of sun will do me good.  And although most of those things are tangible situations and my depression is chemical, you never know when the shit will hit the fan... but so far, the blades aren't even moving and there's no load of crap brewing, so to speak, so it looks good.  I'm looking forward to Xmas this year... I got an early present in the love that Yippy has shown me, even though our relationship is still in the early stage.  He's a great guy... in fact, it confuses me since it's been a while since I've dated anyone that has their shit together and treats me well.  It feels good.


My friend Robin sent me this... I thought it was very profound... and much-appreciated...

;) . . . / \ . . . (;


Ellipsis and Solidus



It starts with a smile, then a step, then another, and another. You are ready to take a chance and trust. You lean in, but there is space; this space is everything you are, and everything you aren't, to each other. There is room to breathe, room to grow. What matters is that neither of the points can ever hit the ground. If one starts to fall, the other will catch it. If they both fall at the same time, they will save each other.

YUM !! (Hotties with Hats)

Smoke and Mirrors

There are many ways to show love; a kiss, a certain look, a feeling, through an emotion, a gesture, a kind act, a hug, among others.  With so many ways to choose, why is our capacity to show that love so small?  Why is it so hard?  Does it make us feel vulnerable, weak, captured or subservient, again, among others?

Being adopted, I have never felt a sense of beginning, despite knowing some of the details of my biological parents and growing up in a good environment with my adoptive parents.  Still, with two starting points in life, it's hard to feel stability and foundation and I've felt like I've been just wandering through life.  It has made me detached, self-reliant and non-trusting, as I tend to keep people at arm's length.
 

While growing up, ideals are learned through experience, good and bad.  What our perception is of a situation is greatly influenced by our surroundings, but it's possible that it might be the other way around.  That we are who we are, and how we act and how what effect that has on a situation is valid.  For instance, it could be in your nature to be a jealous person, so when two friends hang out and don't include you, problems could manifest out of your jealousy.  Remove you and your jealousy, and you have to friends hanging out, so where does the problem stem from?  Or is it the other way around?  The emotional infliction of the situation changes who you are, and you experience jealousy as a result and probably hurt as well.

To say that my Mom and I weren't close is an understatement.  Whether it was not seeing eye-to-eye on my career path, choice of friends, clothing or sexual orientation... or perhaps, I suspect, a jealousy that I wasn't tied down and she was... having sensed some regret on her part.  With not driving or working, she had little outside contact beyond her family and I think she regretted some decisions made.  I was a very hyper child and my brother somewhat wild, and then there's the fact that she really wanted a girl instead of boys.  She wasn't supportive, compassionate or loving and was hands-off.  Maybe that was all my perception or maybe it was the truth.  Applying the logic from the previous paragraph, did I feel unloved because of the actions (or no action, as the case may be) of my Mom (being my perception), or am I just the kind of person that doesn't know what love is and how to receive/recognize it to begin with.  Do I push it away?

The other day, I was talking about the mess that my nephew got my Dad into as far as the $60k worth of student loans and my friend Robin commented, saying that 'it could have been you that he did that for'.  That got me thinking and the fact of the matter is that it wasn't me.  In fact, I never went to college because my parents made too much for me to get student loans and they didn't put anything away for us either, and certainly wouldn't co-sign for one at the time.  It wasn't me that my Mom did everything for (since I left home at 20 and was basically taking care of myself for a few years prior to that).  It wasn't me that my Dad gave $125k+ to over time to try to fix every problem that came down the pike.  And although I know that it's just money, it's more than that.  It's a gesture and an expression of caring for a person's situation and relieving their pressure. 

My Dad is a simple person and he doesn't say many things, and 'I love you' isn't among them. And since he's at the point where I have pretty much taken over everything that he has to worry about, he is just sort of clear minded to go about his business (playing cards, watching Price is Right and playing horseshoes).  With me doing everything for him... protecting him... sheltering him...cleaning up after him and taking care of him, it's no surprise that I'd feel like our relationship is a little one-sided.  And while I'm not soliciting an intervention or comments of support, I do need to be able to work through my thoughts, through the blog.  Putting aside my feelings of frustration from lack of respect, understanding and appreciation... and putting aside his lack of words... and putting aside things like not remembering my birthday... I look for the little things that he does do, like making me pancakes... (sadly, I can't think of anything else at this point).  When I think of all the situations that I am dragged into with my brother, every single little bump in the road becomes my problem... it's a given.  And yet, in all these years, he has never, ever inquired about how I was... what I need... how can he help me... that never comes in play.  It's like we're expected to take on his stuff and he has absolutely no connection to ours/mine.  As far as my nephew goes, he will inquire into things (how's the house sale going (since he wanted money from it), or how can he help with our bills (because he wanted to move into our third bedroom and get out of where he is now), but there's always some motivation behind it, and if not, sadly it is buried so far in doubt that I can't possibly see it if it were genuine.

I've had friends that consider me their best friend for all that I do to make them happy, to the point that I'm miserable, always putting myself last, and they don't even see it.  I've had relationships that look so loving because of the things that I do to make them that way, again, with me miserable.  And I have family relationships that, on the outside, reflect a strong family tie... all one-sided efforts... and all with me being miserable.  Is this just my perception?  For once, I'd like to be on the receiving side so I didn't have to question motives or feelings and there wasn't any doubt in my mind.  People around me know how I feel because I will either tell them or show them or both.  I don't think that I'll ever have that stability or piece of mind.

Who's Watching What

Prison Break

es·cap·ism (-skpzm) n.

The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment.

Today was that kind of day.  I was able to put my guilt aside for a few hours and do a few things for me.  After a morning of doing some things around the house, I went to the Strip District here in Pittsburgh (the area where all the produce, etc. comes into the city) and enjoyed a nice afternoon breakfast at my favorite diner... then stopped and got my favorite almond macaroons at Enrico's (made famous by the movie Wedding for Bella (The Bread, My Sweet) starring the rapidly aging Scott Baio about the actual Enrico's bakery)... then stopped at the coffee store and got my Torani syrups for my iced coffee that I make (toasted marshmallow, cupcake and almond flavors).  I then hit the mall for a bit and then headed home to do some laundry, etc.

My nephew stopped by and we were able to call two of the three school loans that my Dad co-signed for that are in default.  One that was almost $17k, they settled on $4k, so we are waiting for the release papers before I write a check, of which we are having papers drawn up to document the loan that he'll be paying back.  We made another offer of $3.5k on a $14k loan and we're waiting to hear.  The big one ($24k), they're not budging on, so he'll just be making the payments.  I can't believe that my Dad was so stupid to do all of that.

Tomorrow, once it gets warmer in the afternoon, I am heading to my Uncle's to paint his foundation.  Little by little, I'm whittling away at my list... hopefully, at a rate faster than my sanity is being chipped away.

Progress

First... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Julie!!  She is 29 again (for the last 14 years).  It's easy to remember her birthday since it's the day before my parents would-be wedding anniversary.

I can't get over this weather, although I did hear someone say that it's supposed to snow next week... and a lot... see, nothing is ever free.  I've been taking advantage of it by getting all my Marriott clean up done.  Today, I cut down probably 30 grasses... the kind with the poofy tassles at the top, which were about 15 feet high... and, for some reason, the grass part splinters like chards of glass (kind of like fiberglass) and cuts me all day long... and the poofy tassles were letting go of their poofies and they were all stuck to the sweat on my face.  Then I planted about 200 bulbs in the ground and blew some more leaves.  I only have a few more things to do, do a final cutting and blow the remainder of the leaves and I'll be done for the season.

I've been pretty busy over the last week or so getting things done.  It seems like since the closing on the house, all hell has broken loose and I am finally accomplishing things.  I've been so domesticated as well, and it seems it's no sooner that my programs are over that a fresh magazine comes in the mail and I'm having to try to keep up (I wish).  Speaking of domesticated, I started looking around for a housekeeper that could come in once or twice a month to do a cleaning on the areas that my Dad messes up (all of them minus my room/bathroom).  To further domesticate me, I have to make spinach balls (the kind made with Stove Top Stuffing) and my pepperoni dip for a party on Saturday.  Busy, busy, busy.

Shiny Object... (Runs Towards It)

For those of you that were around in the beginning of my blog... you remember my fascination with my sparkle ball.  I am easily amused by the simplest things.  Lately, I've been obsessed with these voodoo dolls that you get out of the gumball machine.  I'm not sure why, but I have always liked zombie and voodoo doll stuff... and I'm not really a horror film type person either.  Still, they are cute... and they hang from my mirror in the truck.  It's the little things.

We are having a heat wave this week.  Today it was about 60 and beautifully sunny, and it's going to be that way all week long, if not warmer.  I am taking advantage of it by finishing up the fall cleanup at the Marriott, and I have to paint the outside foundation of my Uncle's house for him.  It felt like we were diving head-first into winter... so it's nice to be having a little bit of retro-summer weather.  As long as it's freezing cold when I leave for my trip in early December.  It always makes your vacation go much nicer when you know folks back home are freezing while you are posting pics of the beach on your blog.

Anybody Out There? Is This Mic On?

Lately, I've felt a disconnect to the blog and haven't been updating as much.  Partly due to a feeling that there's no one out there listening any more (less comments), and partly due to a busier schedule.  I haven't been able to form any kind of focused thoughts over the last couple of weeks short of all the things going on in politics with the mid-term elections. In trying to get a full picture of the issues, I have had to question who I am and what I believe in, truly. 

I've been posting some blog entries on some of my political views and have used my facebook page as a platform as well.  This one isn't a platform speech, so don't run away.  I find myself being split between not wanting to be that person that tries to ram their views down everyone's throat and feeling like I should be doing more, including spreading a message of some sort.

I'm not sure at what point in my life I became a liberal.  I suppose that with being gay, I was pretty much thrust into it. After all, if I wasn't liberal, I wouldn't have any self-acceptance.  Being told that you don't matter, don't deserve to have equal rights and are an abomination has a tendency to make you bond with the other underdog and the down-trodden (ie: the Democrats), and your whole existence becomes a quest for worth.  I think the same happens in religion; by constantly not being accepted, it makes you a stronger person and you search for your place of belonging... or you give up, in the case of teen suicides.

I think that it's easier to find the bad in people than the good, but it's human nature to want to find the latter.  If there's one thing that became blaringly apparent to me in the election cycle, it's that people can really be nasty.  I think that people, in life, need to identify with a group, so it's easy for people to say that they are one party or the other without having to be accountable for what implications that brings.  You might be able to say you're a Republican without batting an eye, but if asked would you cast someone aside denying them health care and ruin their financial situation and possibly their life (and possibly the loss of said life) because you would rather your tax money go towards something that could increase your own personal wealth, you may not be able to look someone in the eye and say 'yes'.  Therein lies the root of my frustration and despair lately; how can some people be so selfish?  How do these people look at themselves in the mirror?  How do they justify this behavior?  What happened to them to have that outlook?  Who's the mother of these people?

When you turn on the TV, all you see are these 'news' shows that debate the issues and twist everything 6 ways to Sunday.  Because I want to be informed and see all perspectives, I watch Fox News along with all the other shows, most claiming to be unbiased or 'fair and balanced'... but they're not.  And as you watch these shows, most with the purpose of persuading opinion, you can't help but question your own opinion and, further, your beliefs and morals.  After all, how can so many people have the opposite outlook that you have?  You start to question your own sanity and intelligence.  Maybe you have it wrong.  The only reality check is that with questioning your own crazy, you must not be since crazy people don't know that they are crazy.  Instead, they march in and vote directly against their own best interests, beliefs and morals and somehow, smile as they are doing it. 

There's a safety factor in grasping on to your beliefs, right or wrong.  Without being challenged, you live in your bubble unscathed, but you don't grow.  Change is a good thing, but there's a huge vulnerability involved that most people don't want to face or endure.  No one want's to be wrong... or seen as unintelligent.  Letting go of a belief, especially one that has been hammered in to our core, isn't easy.  Yet we have to make the effort to be informed and push our limits, since that is the only way we will grow.  And while I have questioned whether I had more piece of mind when I wasn't as involved in what's going on in politics, I know that I am clearer for having had the experience.

Sun and Fun

I posted the other day that I was taking a trip out west, but didn't realize that it will be the same weather at the Grand Canyon as it will be here, but with much more snow and mostly everything shut down... you don't think about cold and snow in the desert, but I guess it's higher in elevation than Denver.  Anyway, I switched my trip to Ft. Lauderdale... and my friend Elaine was nice enough to get me a room at a Marriott Courtyard property... and the flight and car were about $400.. so it will be a nice, cheap wrap-up of the landscaping season for me for the week of December 12th.  I'll see a few friends down there as well, and a few are heading there the same week.

Blah Weather Equals Good Movie Time

Today, I went with my friend Matt to see "Due Date" with Robert Downey Jr. and that Galifinakas guy that's in every movie right now... it was hilarious... in fact, I was in hysterics a few times throughout.  Not that it was such a great story, but the chemistry of the two together along with the premise of the movie made you cringe and laugh all at the same time.

I'm off Saturday heading back down to camp.  With the freezing temperatures, camp is turning the water off early, so Matthew and I have to drain the lines in the trailer before they freeze.  I'll be coming back on Sunday morning.

YUM !! (Sportin' Chance)

Warm Milk

I've been on a weird sleep cycle lately.  Here it is 3 am and I'm wide awake... and I'll be up at the crack of dawn.  Even with working hard at the Marriott this whole week, I'm not tired.  Ugh!

President Obama spoke today at his press conference.  He was particularly somber and acted as though he was humbled by the 'shellacking' that he took in the elections.  And while he stuck by his decisions that got the economy stabilized and growing, he said he could have done more to get through to the American citizens.  In the throws of the emergency situations, he had to make tough decisions that the people saw as intrusive or that they didn't understand (or only understood what was told to them on Fox News).  The people have to be responsible for getting accurate, truthful information... when you get it from twisted sources, you have to accept that you didn't do your job.  The job that he failed to do is communicate... communicate the hope and confidence that he exuded in his campaign... and communicate the progress made over the last 18 months.  He has accomplished so much in such a short time, given what he inherited.  I hope that the two parties can work together to continue the progress.  I have never felt since what I felt during the Bush years, but I have confidence that things are getting better.

Life in These "United" States

I registered to vote in 2004 during the Gore/Bush election (I picked a great one to get involved in politics).  It's hard wrapping your head around the fact that your vote matters, and I guess that was a good one (being such a close race) to learn that lesson.  Still, I'm not sure if the aggravation, frustration and high blood pressure is worth the feeling of being involved and doing my part.

In recent elections, it seems like the process is so out of control.  It's maddening when you think of all the wasted money on the campaigns, between the mailers and ads (mostly negative) and the campaign trail costs.  It's obvious that the whole process is broken and should be regulated.  I like the debates and the town hall meetings, but the rest of it seems ineffective.  I totally block out ads on TV, especially negative ones.  I honestly don't trust anything I hear, which means that you really can't make intelligent choices.  Even when it gets down to a politician's choices (like on a particular vote), there's so much that goes into it behind the scenes that it's never black and white.

I am a registered Democrat and have been described as a bleeding-heart liberal, meaning that I am always concerned with every single person in an issue, being overly sympathetic.  I try to see all sides of an issue (the Gemini in me) and not put my perspective or needs first in a situation.  I never was a selfish person, so I have a hard time understanding the perspective of most Republicans, with so much concern over their own financial situation and what they're going to get out of a situation.  Most times, it almost seems like they'd screw anyone to keep everyone else down (civil rights, healthcare, welfare, social security, medicare, environment, social services).  The funny thing is how when they are in need of help, they have no problem using it (evidenced by a poll outside of a Rand Paul rally in KY, where most of the supporters were the elderly, riding out on their scooters paid entirely by Medicare after they just chanted 'down with government spending'), which is where the hypocrisy comes into play.

The party seems to use fear to excite panic into the members (with the stereotype of them mostly clutching their guns in one hand and the bible in the other), and most of which are either the wealthy or the poor.  It kind of makes me think of how the same group of down-trodden individuals shops at Wal-Mart, after the giant retailer put the small company they used to work for or own out of business with unfair competition and price squeezing small manufacturers.  This 'pied piper' mentality is utilized at the polls, it seems.  The Republicans seem to get them to vote solely with the fear of the loss of their guns, free-roaming homosexuals and higher taxes.  It was Ronald Reagan who started the demise of the middle class, and other than votes, Republicans don't seem to have much use for the common man, in fact, mostly everything they are for is against the common man, especially when he is down and out.  Sadly, the common man doesn't see that.  And while this isn't necessarily a Republican-bashing post, I'm just trying to understand the mentality of all parties involved.  It's hard to make sweeping generalities, but the extremists on both sides always are the bad apples that ruin the bunch.  At the end of the day, I am proud to look myself in the mirror at who I am and what I stand for... not saying that it's better than anyone else.  I am always open to hearing another point of view, but be ready to talk about it and not run when the shit gets deep.  It's time for the Republicans to put up or shut up.  Likewise with the people who didn't vote in this election.

Since President Obama took over the mess that this country is in, all he has gotten has been opposition.  It's convenient for the Republicans to forget that it was under their watch that the country went to pot.  And for them, and the Democrats as well lately, to be disgruntled by what they see as no progress (although facts point to the contrary), is just an example of how we as Americans are so impatient and have a 'give it to me now' mentality.  Surely, a person in their right mind would understand that 8 years of fuck ups is going to take more than 18 months to fix.  Surely, that person would check out the facts rather than the propoganda fed to them by a political pundit trying to sell a book or enticing fear for monetary gain (Rush Limbaugh makes $58 million a year, Glenn Beck $33 million, Sean Hannity $22 million).  Surely these people can think for themselves... or do they go from inside the church straight home to Fox News?  Think for yourselves.

Now that the elections are over, it is clear that Americans are sick of the status quo.  They want to see change, mostly in the system.  They are sick of the bickering.  They are sick of butting heads and not getting anything solved.  The results of the elections are not the blood baths that everyone expected.  And while it's unclear of how things are going to pan out with the Republicans getting the majority over the house and not the senate, it will remain to be seen if we can get anything accomplished in Washington, or will it finally come to a meeting of the minds to do what's good for the country.  The Republicans have been talking about what they want to get accomplished... and now is the time for them to deliver.  Without a strong Republican candidate for the 2012 election,  we may be able to get things accomplished, but if they find someone, they will spend all of their time keeping the president down to promote their person.  There's a record that when Republicans have the power of subpoena they go after a president, but there's also a record in the recent past where a few presidents (Truman, Eisenhower and Clinton) were met with opposition in mid-term elections and went on to a second term, so who knows what will happen. 

I am proud of my president... he is a good man with good morals... is caring and isn't out for personal gain.  Knowing that he probably only had 2 years to get things done, I believe that he tried to accomplish all that he could.  It's my job as an American to support my president, and I do.  He talked a lot about hope and change (and I believe he is delivering, however the speed)...  and I have have had more hope in two years than the 8 Bush years where I wanted to leave the country and move somewhere else.

The damage is done now.  The 'slaughter' is over.  All you can do now is laugh, otherwise, you'll spend all day crying.

I Couldn't Resist

I was going to take this opportunity, on the eve of an election, to get preachy about how important it is to vote... and what's at stake if you are voting Tea Party or Republican... but instead, I will just post this, because I have to believe that  people are more intelligent:

Potpourri for $100, Alex

I had fun at camp this past weekend, but it's really hard to when it's so cold.  I really didn't feel like I ever got warm the whole time, and can't get the smell of campfires out of my head.  I finally broke down and turned the heat on last night.  It's 28 degrees outside.  This week is Fall clean up week at the Marriott, cutting down perennials, pulling out flowers, trimming trees and shrubs, edging beds, getting rid of leaves...  even though it's hard to say goodbye to Summer, it does feel good to clean up after it... especially one that was so brutally hot and dry.  Its only supposed to go to a high in the low 50's this week, but it's supposed to be sunny though.

A few weekends ago, I accidentally met this guy named Giuseppe through some friends.  He's 28, has a good job, a car, a house and a cat and is very responsible.  That being said, he's already light years ahead of the majority of guys out there.  We've been hanging out, going to dinner and watching our favorite TV shows... and yesterday, we headed to the outlet mall an hour from here and had a great day.  After dating Jesse, I'm not used to someone going 'Dutch' or even paying for me, say, at a restaurant... and I surely am unfamiliar with someone gathering my tray and garbage and taking care of that for me, opening doors and being concerned about whether I'm cold or not.  It's nice to have someone respect you... value you, and look after you.  I can't tell you how good that makes me feel when he does it.  And while we're only at the beginning stage of what seems like something that just fell into place, I'm looking forward to getting to know him better and spending more time with him. Tonight (and I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not), I'm bringing him to dinner with some friends that will surely eat him up alive, chew him up and spit him out like a spicy chicken wing bone by a redneck at a Nascar raceway.  Much like a dysfunctional Italian family, my friends tend to talk over everyone and cut you off mid-sentence, fighting for the spotlight.  Giuseppe is Italian as well, so I think he may hold his own.

Now that the house closing has gone through, I'm in the process of paying some of my Dad's things off and switching around some things, like bank accounts, etc.  I am at a total relaxed point with all of that and while I still maintain that it hasn't hit me yet, I can feel an inner peace.  I have been thinking in my mind about getting away for long time now and right on the heels of the workshop surrounded by 30 interactive guys... and camp this past weekend with 200 gays, I long for some alone time.  Friends of mine invited me to Ft. Lauderdale... but I impulsively booked a trip the other day, flying in and out of Las Vegas, with most of the trip being in the car on the road.  I plan to hang with a few friends in LV for a few days, but head up to Brice Canyon, then down to the Grand Canyon (hopefully taking a helicopter ride into the canyon like I did before) and perhaps heading down into the Phoenix area (since I've never been) before rounding back to LV.  I leave December 3rd and will be coming back on the 11th.  When I used to live in Vegas, I used to love driving in the desert.  People say 'there's nothing there, why do you like it so much'... and I find that it's what USED to be there that makes it so mysterious and serene.  I have a real connection to the desert for some reason.