Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, to my friend Sean!!

500 Bursts of Air and Verbal Vomit

This is my 500th post on the blog... thanks again to all my friends and strangers who make this a special part of my life. 

Potpourri For $300, Alex

I'm really over sporting events pre-empting my TV shows.  Missing my programs last week because of the Super Bowl, the Olympics have been wreaking havoc on my scheduling this week.  I'm sure no one would like it if Desperate Housewives cancelled a Sunday game... not that that would EVER happen.  I think I see a discrimination case here.  Lately, I have added 'Be Good Johnny Weir' to my list of simpleton TV shows that I watch... so I will want to watch figure skating to see how he does.... duh.... I am gay... the gay Neilsen ratings knows if I don't watch figure skating and I could lose my priviledges.  I'm pretty sure my TV will blow up... or burn a pic of a vagina in the LED cells or something.  Yikes!

Suprisingly, I made it through Valentine's Day unscathed.  Not even a hint of the blues or being lonely.  I keep telling myself I need to be by myself (and make jam and get some cats)...

More snow coming today.... 4-6" !  Is there no end to this madness?  With today being President's Day, Matt suggested that we go chop down a cherry tree in honor of George Washington... but they're all buried in the snow.  Maybe one of those cherry pies at McDonald's.  That I can do.

Pittsburgh Auto Show

Today, we (Ricky, Tony, Matt, Brian and Tom) went to the auto show.  I'm a pretty even-keeled person... even my dream cars are within reach when it comes to price tag... so the expensive cars really don't impress me.  I'm more impressed by something that's cheaper that gives you good quality and quantity and I really don't need much anyway.  Along those lines, I was really impressed with how Hyundai has turned their company around to be a badge of style, short the flagship smaller cars.  With the 2010 Motortrend Car of the Year being the Ford Fusion and Truck of the Year being that ugly Ford european-looking panel van, I expected more from them.  The new Focus wasn't there at the show... but it's supposed to be very stylish.  VW has come up with a replacement for the Jetta, but that wasn't there either.  Since I've always been a Detroit musclecar type of guy, I liked the Dodge Charger and my favorite truck, the Ram Hemi.  Give me a racing stripe, a tail fin and some big tires and I'm content.  The new BMW Gran Turismo crossover was pretty interesting... we all seemed to like it.

The showpieces, I would say, were a few of the Cadillac's and the new Corvette Stingray.  Looking like something right out of the future, they were refreshing in design.

Happy Valentine's Day

To My Valentine

On the eve of Valentine's Day, when I conjure up thoughts of love in my head and love in my heart, it's for and about you. The connection of our eyes... our lips... and our bodies was one of the strongest things I have felt in my life along with a happiness and passion that has been unmatched.

With all that's happened... all of our differences along the way... and forever having been changed by our experience... I still will always think of you as the one true love in my life... because I have never felt what I felt with you with anyone else... and I doubt I ever will. 

 I just wanted you to know. Happy Valentine's Day.

Love,
David

Valentine's Day Love Un-Labeled

Love comes in many shapes, sizes, colors and forms... Who are we to judge? 

Home is Where the Snow Is

My Mom had a lot of sayings that I'm sure she made up just to agitate people... one of them, 'You look like a Russian Christmas on a Wednesday night" meant that your outfit didn't match or was a mess.  That's my Dad.  Sporting his multi-80's-colored-poofy-crinkled jacket, his knee wader rubber boots and his flourescent orange hunting hat (click on picture to get the full affect)... the only reason that Project Runway would call him is if they needed a big project. 

We went over to the other house to shovel it out and check on it.  The driveway is at least 100 feet long, and since we didn't do anything to it after the last couple of snowfalls, there were drifts that were 3-4 foot high.  Fortunately, we were able to dig out the snow plow's mess and about ten feet... then I locked down the 4-wheel drive on my monster truck and drove right up the driveway, backing up and repeating until it stomped it down enough.  We had to dig out the drain pump by the garage door for when the snow melts (in July)... and the sidewalk.  There were huge icicles hanging from the roof.  What's really great about this snow is that, while shoveling it, you can see the blue tint to the clean water that formed the snow... either that or the Avatar people are coming.  With a pathway into the house, now I have no excuse to get out of going over there and continuing with the painting.  Argh.

Sultry At It's Best

I believe that it was in the early 2000's that Sade put out her last album... and her latest, Soldier of Love, just released.  With her usual sultry and smokey eroticism, this CD proves just as phenomenal as her others.  She looks fantastic... like she hasn't aged a day... still hot as ever.  I would highly recommend putting one of her CD's on, lighting some candles and go at it with that certain someone...

Seeking Definition(s)

hap⋅py
–adjective, -pi⋅er, -pi⋅est.
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.

Part of the definition for happy is the word felicitous, meaning 'well-suited or appropriate for the occasion'.  Society dictates that we should all be looking for the state of happiness... hell, it's even in our Constitution ("right to..... pursuit of happiness").  Happy Birthday... Don't worry, be happy... forget all your troubles, come on get happy... I even write in my Xmas cards 'Best of luck, health and happiness in the coming year'.  Smiley faces... people telling you to 'cheer up' all the time... we are obsessed with the pursuit of happiness and no one is happy themselves unless you are happy too.  Buying a house that's too big that you can't afford because you think that will make you happy... a fancy car... taking promotions... putting your body through dieting because a new you will make you happy... plastic surgery... jewelry... a 52 inch TV... taking a vacation... dating... all things we do to reach an undefined state of happiness.  As individual as it is, how do we know what is really going to make us happy and will we know when we actually get there?

A large percentage of America is on anti-depression meds... in fact, I don't have many friends who are not.  It seems like if you're not on one, you're not doing your part as a whole to create this world-wide sense of happiness.  Sadly, studies show that the medication doesn't really have much effect on people; that a placebo has the same effect most times.  So what does that tell us?  I suppose that could be a good argument for willing yourself into a state of happiness.  Much like 'you are what you eat', I suppose if you have positive thoughts then positive things can happen to you that would make you happy.  But is that a smoke screen?  Is being an optimist setting yourself up for a fall (which is a much farther drop from being a pessimist)?  There are two ways of thinking about it...being in a state of spending all day long hoping optimistically that good things are going to happen... or preparing for/expecting the worse so that when something good does happen, it's true/definite and is a positive move upward... rather than expecting it to happen and not moving upward in elation when it does happen because you expected it to to begin with.  Is being an optimist any different than being on medication (trying to achieve a consistent state of happiness)?  I'm not advocating either (optimist or pessimist) in this post.

Posting the musical piece The Plaint and subsequently Bach's Toccata En Fugue makes me realize that a lot of the music that I love is filled with angst, tragedy and pain, with overtone's of suffering.  I guess that is what I most identify with in these pieces... and in life, to a degree.  A self-proclaimed realist with a strong sense of sarcasm, I'm not the poster-child for bubbly and happy.  Not looking for concern or sympathy, I am simply stating that my depression is a huge part of who I am as a person.  Unless you have it, it's hard to understand that it is an involuntary state of being and that being medicated isn't always the answer.  In fact, sometimes it contributes to the problem.  With my biological mother and her antics and my biological father and his suicide serving as a mental foundation of my being and adding to it a number of other outside occurances along the way, and it's no wonder that I am the way I am.  And although societally unacceptable, maybe it is who I am and that's all I can ever hope to be?

On one hand, being depressed is a sense of feeling for me, and although it's on the side of extreme anxiety, anguish and pain, at least I am feeling something.  I feel a comfort in it since it's what I am used to.  On the other hand, it doesn't make me play well with others.  As I get older, I find myself becoming more withdrawn, solitary and inward.  With only two moods (extremely up and extremely down), it makes it difficult for people to be around me, I'm sure.  So, when feeling down, I isolate myself, afraid to let people see the real me... and when I'm up, it feels like I'm putting on a show and people like being around me more, which only makes me isolate myself more.  And because my thoughts (that never stop racing) can go from 'what a beautiful sunny day' to 'why bother' in a matter of seconds without any cause, my life is a rollercoaster of highs and lows... and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about not wanting to continue.  Depression isn't not understanding that you don't have a purpose... it's knowing that you should feel differently than you do.  I worry that without Shelby... and someday without my Dad to take care of, I will take off for a solitary life in the desert.  Running doesn't seem to be the answer though, since I'll still be there.

I don't want to be this person.  I don't want to be the one to bring people down. Self-evaluation, therapy, medication, self-help books, workshops... I've tried a number of things.  It's a constant downward spiral... the more I feel that I have to be someone else, the more I turn inward and hide, afraid that no one would want to be around me.  For whatever reason I attract people, it's hard to pull off what they expect me to be, rather than who I am.  I don't see myself as others do, possibly.  While I feel that I am this big mess, I do have a lot of friends.... are they all gluttons for punishment?  Taking pity?  Feel like it's too late to pull away?  It all makes me more insecure.  Stability is what I crave... I'm happiest when I'm stable in the parts of my life... but when I'm not creating problems for myself, life makes sure that I never reach that point.  Maybe I'm just at peace with being just 'ok' and that's, well.... ok. 

One of the Greatest Musical Pieces

Happy Birthday, Mum!

Today is my Mom's birthday... she would have been 88.

The Plaint

Every evening, I watch TV until I fall asleep. Often times, if I'm watching a DVD,at the end of the movie, the menu music will play over and over and over again. And although annoying, it's not worth waking up to find the remotes to shut it down.  Lately, I've been getting up, strangely, within 2 minutes +/- of 7 a.m., but last night I was watching the Sundance channel before I passed out... and I woke up to, what I thought, was the sound of an angel coming down (duh... that should have gave it away right there) and I was confused, in a dazed state... the movie 'The Last Mistress' was rolling it's credits and this angelic, yet eerie, song was playing.  Definitely one of the coolest sensations I've ever had.

By Henry Purcell, The Plaint (translation: To wail, protest, beat one's chest) is a slow, yet moving piece... full of emotion and a controlled sense of anguish.

Yum !!

Yea... Sporty Spice!!

Back in My Element

I know everyone thinks I am on permanent vacation, with no landscaping to do this time of year, but it may surprise you to know that I actually worked today.  The hotel that I do had seven large shrubs fall over and break with the weight of the snow... and some tree branches snap off as well.  Cold and snowy and mucky out, I was able to pull them out of the ground, cut them up and get them to the composting site.  My Dad's truck used to do a great job pulling out stumps, but my new truck, with the 4x4 engaged totally rocks.  By the end of the day... I was cold, wet, muddy and full of tree parts... it was awesome!!  Can't wait until Spring to get working again.

The Golden Oldies

All you have to do is browse through some of my posts and you'd see that I really don't hide my feelings about 'modern' music.  At the risk of sounding like my parents, I'm really disappointed in the way that the music industry has turned.  It seems like everyone is an entertainer, not a singer.  A great singer can stand in one place without lights and videos, etc. and blow your socks off... audibly... not visually.  A good example of this is the fabulous Miss Barbra Streisand.  Sure, her nose can be distracting like a video... but it's the talent in the voice that you remember.  I was just reading an article about how music in movies has dwindled... it's hard for the Academy to actually come up with decent nominations... so much that they are thinking of eliminating the category altogether.

Mainly though, it's what the songs say, or are about.  Nowadays, it's so violent and degrading and unintelligent.  When we were growing up, songs were simple, harmless and envoked happiness, not rage and anger.  One of the first songs that I remember was 'Billy, Don't Be a Hero'...  and Puff the Magic Dragon' was one of my favorite songs growing up... it was that song and 'Sing' that I used to sing with my Mom.  'You're Still the One' reminds me of my friend Julie... 'Lady', 'Still' and 'Truly' were all songs with girlfriends (yes, I dated girls)...  Point is, all those songs bring back good memories...

Now, fast-forward 30+ years and you have songs like 'Baby's Got Back', 'Heartless', and 300 other songs that have to do with drive-bys, cutting people, shooting them, killing blacks and gays and women and anyone else... excessive swearing... pimping, sex, drugs and hookers.... and a slew of entertainers that use smoke and mirrors and sound systems to hide the fact that they can't sing. What memories could those songs possibly evoke?   It's a shame... (so much for not sounding like my parents).

I feel bad for kids today.  They're so shallow, non-worldly and unexposed to quality of any sort.  Happy with the likes of Lady Gaga and with their faces buried in video games... they'll never look up to see a whole world around them and to appreciate the little things, instead of needing such visual and audible stimulation.