Feeling Sad about SAD

I went out last night... not sure if it's the eating well or the running, but it only takes a few drinks to get me tipsy, so I didn't feel that great this morning.  The weather went from sunnyish to rainy (I know, poor me, right?) but I was still able to drag myself out of bed to do my run/walk... with walk being the operative word.  I didn't go yesterday (giving my legs a break) so I had to go today.  I also got to sit on the beach for a bit and just breathe.  So far, I have just run along side of it... today I actually looked at it.  It's been windy over the last few days so it was a little choppy.  Still, Floridians (I think) would get their excercise even in a hurricane.  People out with their dogs and kids... it's hard to be sedentary here.  I felt better that I did it, but got back, ate some eggs and sat down, and that was the end of it. 

Depression comes over me like tiredness to others.  One minute fine, the next, not so much.  I curled up and fell asleep... until 4 p.m.   Just in time to wake up to an overwhelming sense of guilt for not doing anything all day.  I can really be hard on myself and, afterall, I am here to do a job.  I'm probably staying until after Xmas now... since there's no real reason to rush home.  Believe it or not, being here 6 days now, it usually hits me sooner than this that I just want to go home.  The sunny weather is good for me, and so is the warmth.  And this is my first real feelings of depression this season.  I feel better now... sometimes just sleeping... letting my body recharge and my chemicals balance... helps.

I really miss 'Saturdays'.  I miss working 5 days a week to look forward to Saturday mornings.  I don't have that anymore.  Without a structured work schedule, which is great sometimes, there's no routine.  Even reading my magazines, which used to be a Saturday thing... happens spread over a few days now.  I used to get up, read the comics and do something fun.  Now, I feel guilty about doing anything fun any time... without a specific day off, the feeling that I should be doing something every day is overwhelming.  There's never a break for me... just a 24/7 sense of urgency to accomplish followed by a 20/7 sense of guilt for non-productivity.  Structure is a double-edged sword... you just need to know how to manage it... I just do better when I am on the go and working a lot.  It's my drug.

Mixed Bag of Tricks..

Last night, I went out for the first time since I've been down here.  Being one of the cities with the highest gay population percentage (something like 80%), offer a $3 Long Island Iced Tea and every gay-bird in a twenty mile radius puts their hair up in a bun or scrunchy, hops in their Jeep and gets there, no questions asked.  The best part is that they make the drinks as strong as gorilla glue... so it's a relatively cheap night out.  Getting out also gave me an opportunity to see some of the night-time Xmas decorations... it's amazing what you can do with a palm tree and a string of lights... they kind of look like wooden matchsticks.

Being a past choir member in high school (President of Choir, actually), I have found much delight in the new show 'Glee'.  It offers great humor, awesome show choir renditions and mash-ups... and my favorite... loads of sarcasm by Sue, because that's the way she "C"s it.  Having already worn out the first volume, It made my day to know that the second one had come out a few days ago.  Of course, I had to put my hair up in a bun and run to Target to get it.  If you've never heard the music, you should check it out on itunes.

The job down here has proven to be quite challenging.  The walls (cement with a covering of plaster) are worse than I remembered.  From hurricane Wilma, they sustained some water damage that made the plaster come loose and fall off, so when I was removing some of it, a good deal (even more than in the picture) fell right off the wall... now I have to try to plaster the big empty space, which won't be easy to get a smooth, professional finish.  I should have rearranged the room and put the bed in front of it, put my hair up in a scrunchy and went to the beach.  The job definitely just got more difficult.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words over the last couple of days.  I don't think (between the workshop and the supportive comments) that I've felt so much love.  Let's just move on from talking about the incident.  This is supposed to be fun.

Is That Snow or Sand?

 No, you're not crazy... it is snowing on my blog... which is a lot more Christmasy than it is down here.  Wilted wreaths and heat-stroked reindeer on lawns aren't cutting it for me.  It's hard to get into the spirt here, especially with the humid, sunny 85 degree weather.

The Giving Tree...

This is my favorite book... about a boy and a tree... it spans the boys life through old age...
 
-  When a boy, he climbs the tree and swings on the branches and plays and the tree was happy.
-  When a teen, the boy needs money and the tree offers it's apples to sell and the tree was happy.
-  When a young man, he needs somewhere to live and the tree offers it's branches to build a house and the tree was happy.
-  When an older man, he needs to get away from his life and needs a boat so the tree offers it's trunk and the tree was happy.
-  When an old man, he is tired... and the tree has nothing left to give him since it was down to a stump now.... and the man sits down and rests... and the tree was happy.

Sometimes, people don't need a lot in their lives and giving a gift is a gift in itself.

Angela Lansbury Ain't Got Nothing On Me...

Lately, I'm on this kick of watching all the investigation TV shows like CSI, NCIS, etc.... so my deductive reasoning is super sensitive at this point, much like Jessica Fletcher on Murder, She Wrote.  I live for analyzing shit up one side and down the other and after yesterday's comment mystery... and with some recent revelations on the details of the cover-up... I have come to a conclusion on 'whodunnit', using a Mystery 101 technique.... "he who smelt it, dealt it".  The guilty always come forward first to profess their innocence.  If it's important to them that they think they got one over on me, then they should stop reading now, coward/liar.  Because I'm about to tell you how I 'won' out of this situation.

1.  I have realized what a terrible person you really are, adding (or revisiting) liar to your list.
2.  Realizing that I was more worried about who it wasn't than who it was, it gave me the opportunity to get in touch with some people that I haven't spoken to in a very long time.
3.  With the overwhelming support from my friends regarding the issue, you made me feel loved.
4.  You have further made me feel good about cutting you out of my life, because you always prove me right... and you have exposed yourself further to other people who thought it was you to begin with and know what a bad person you are.
5.  You have made me realize that my friends are reading my blog, which makes me happy.
6.  You gave me an opportunity to rise above it, proving myself to be the better person.

With the feedback from the class and now this, it's gotten really heavy on my blog... so I'm going to step back a bit.and keep it lighter.  This will be the last time I visit this subject.

Signs

Yum!

Coincidence

I'm not that much of a spiritual person, but this is the song that was playing when I had my experience on the massage table... coincidentally, it's relevant to my hate comment as I rise above it. Thanks to Dennis for finding it for me.

SENDING LOVE TO A HATER

Having recently eliminated some unneccesary drama in my life, I'm guessing that it's coming back to haunt me.  I suppose I could delete the nasty comments that I got yesterday on my blog, or even set comments to be preapproved before they post, but as much as this is my blog to say or feel what ever I want, to be fair, I must take in all comments, good and bad.  I appreciate the effort that it takes to read it and the feedback helps me in one way or another.  I just hope that, in what we are calling "constructive criticism" that it is just that, and it should be based on factual information.  I have no idea who Gary is, btw?

Led by my stupidity, gemini-like or manic-depressive ways or poor judgement, I have made some choices in my life that I have had to deal with.  And while they might have been right or wrong, it's what worked for me at the time.  I would be lying to say that I didn't have any regrets in my life... I have a ton.  But I am where I am, I did what I did and I'm still here, working through it, working on my self and working to accept my life.

One thing I am is direct.  As evidenced by this blog, I put myself out there and don't hold much back.  I treat people as I want to be treated.  I have had some wonderful men in my life and, for whatever reason, it may or may not have worked out.  I don't string anyone along, treat anyone like a dog or ask anyone to follow me around.  If you truly knew me, you'd know that I don't put up with shit, will not stay in a relationship that isn't right and try not to cause problems for others, unlike many.  I treat people fairly and with respect, as long as that is how you are treating me.  If not, stupidly, I still usually put up with it for a long time before I am done with it.  I give a lot to my friends, family and even strangers.  I drop everything to help someone out.  Anyone that takes a minute to know me, knows this.  I think my friendships of 25+ years attests to this and that I am still friends with 95% of my exex.  I love my father to death.... I protect him and care for him unconditionally.  I have taken on the responsibility until he's gone.  Even time after time with my brother, I try to care for him, help him and love him regardless of what he has done to us, although it's very difficult.

Because I choose to not sit behind a desk 39.5 hours a week, that's my business.  I do what I do at this point in my life because I have worked 60-70 hours a week since I was right out of high school and continue to do so during the Spring, Summer and Fall.  So I'm not going to feel guilty that this is my life.  If you don't like your life, change it.  I live well within, if not well below, my means.  I live a simple life and I'm fortunate to have the opportunities I have as a direct result of my efforts.  I have made financial mistakes and are paying for them.  Not that it's anyone's business, but I don't live off my Dad and, to the contrary, I just paid for his real estate taxes on his house after he got himself in the hole giving his money to my brother.  I also pay my portion of the rent, the cable, internet, water, and sewage.  And my taxes.

Just coming off such a beautiful experience of respect and love from total strangers, it's amazing how you can be treated by someone who supposedly 'cared' for you at some point, since I only give this blog out to people who are supposed to be friends.  It's a little unnerving to come to the realization that this is someone that I loved who, secretly, was filled with hate and jealousy right in front of me.  Having a good idea of who it is, I feel sorry for him and invite him to discuss his allegations with me in person, although I know that will never happen.  It's very easy to lash out anonymously... instead, take responsibility for your comments and be direct.  I welcome the feedback, but judge not, lest ye be judged.  I feel sorry that they have such hate in their bodies and their heart is black... I offer them love to help them work it out.

Wake Up Call...

I don't know how anyone could have a bad day with this (picture) being outside your bedroom window.  I got up and did my Ft. Lauderdale walk this morning.  I was pleased, after clocking it in the car yesterday, that it's actually about 5 miles.  I was able to run a mile or so, which is a good start.  With the sun on my face and the ocean breeze on my back, I swear I had my eyes closed the whole time... just breathing and soaking it in.  Today, I have to get my painting supplies together and start getting ready to do the work on the condo.  I'm heading to get some healthy food and, while the class taught me to accept myself and my body, I would feel much better mentally to get back into shape, as well as physically. 

Just got to Ft. Lauderdale.  It's a sunny, 82 degree day here... somewhat humid.  The warmth gives you a big hug.  It feels good to be back in warm weather and to be back here.

Day Two of My Journey

Day two proved to be just as challenging as day one by putting into play things learned the first day.  After more outpour of intimate details and emotions, most of the day was about massage.  If you've never had a massage, many things can happen when you let yourself go... I've experienced anger, crying and numerous other things happening from my clients in the past.  For me, the difficulty was two-fold.  I hold everything in and it gets bottled up, so letting go isn't one of my strong suits.  In fact, at points, I could have easily turned around and left, but I pushed through my fears and continued on the journey.  As a massage therapist, I especially have a hard time when getting massage, because I pay too much attention to what the person is doing and I miss all the energy and feeling behind the touch and letting myself go.  The massage that we did was specifically designed to release pent up feelings with breathing and screaming and whatever else you allowed your body to do.  Split into two groups, receivers and givers, we spent two hours massaging four different people by rotating to the next person after so much time.  I was fortunate to get to work with someone who really let go, which is a massage therapist's dream.  We really bonded in the experience and the outpour was amazing.  It was phenomenal being able to be there for him through it.  But being a skeptic, I had to wonder how much of it was real, since I have never allowed myself to do that... until I got on the table and it was a mixture of letting go of protective boundries with my body and mind, as well as a 'Godly' experience of my arms raising up as if I were being picked up by someone from above and visions of my Mom and Shelby.  I haven't cried since Shelby died, and 10+ years before when my Mom passed away... but I cried.  And cried.  And cried.

I miss touch.  I am a mixed bag of being somewhat withdrawn and keeping people at bay but being somebody that needs touch, specifically to be held.  Sadly, in this lifestyle, it's more about a wham-bam experience.  The incredible nature of how this class came together and the dynamics of stripping yourself down to your raw being with a bunch of strangers is amazing, considering that I have known people for years that don't have a clue about who I am or what I need.  And yet, 26 men, in two days, developed a sense of trust and a bond that can't be broken.  It's truly an amazing experience that I am thankful that I did.  And although I don't plan on standing naked in a room with all my friends, I hope that I can apply the premise of not hiding behind the walls that I put up and build on and they can do the same with me to experience a more true connection to each other's true being and not the person that we pretend to be.

Last night, after the class was over, Dennis (the guy I connected with) and I grabbed dinner and talked more.  Having the mutual need to be held and not be alone, I spent the night with him and it was very beautiful.  I leave for Florida in a few hours.  I am exhausted (mentally, emotionally and physically) and over-stimulated and I'm looking forward to some alone time to further reflect on the experience.  Oh, by the way, it's 83 degrees and sunny in Florida today... don't be a hater. 

Class

I attended day one of the class today.  Between wrapping things up at home, packing for two opposite weather visits and getting here, it's been a pretty stressful lead-in to the class.  I really didn't say much about the class to many people, but it is called Body Electric and it ties a little to my massage, but moreso with working through some issues of self-acceptance and self-awareness as it relates to me being a gay man.  With 26 participants, it was a day of self-discovery of body, mind, sexuality and spirit.  Incorporating breathing techniques, meditation and human touch, we had numerous exercises to go through where we revealed our inner-most thoughts and feelings about our bodies and our beings.  After telling complete strangers intimate details about you and your life, we worked into shedding our clothing and exploring our bodies in rather uncomfortable ways.  Having no choice but to push through, we ended up all naked, not only not having our clothes to hide behind, but we had to let our guard down, and our inhibitions and boundries went out the window.  It was absolutely an incredible experience, with a basic love and acceptance in the room from strangers.  Tomorrow, we will further explore with massage.

Being a relatively closed person physically and most certainly emotionally, there were many different reasons for me to attend.  The bond of the circle of men as a result is incredible.  I can honestly say it was the best experience of my life and I got through so many of the issues today.  I'm looking forward to day two.

Back in Philly

I made it to Philly... it was a nice drive, fortunately without any snow.  I miss my old car with it's high mpg... this truck might as well have had a hole in the gas tank.  Having lived here for 12 years, it's like I never left when I come back here.  I'll be pretty busy with my class tomorrow and Sunday... so I won't get to see or do much.  I may go country two-stepping tonight... that's actually where I met scott about 18 years ago.  That was in my gay heyday.  Where does the time go?

As Done As It's Going To Be...

I had people coming to look at the house yesterday.. a young couple, just married, no kids. Having come from a plan home, I'm sure, they thought that the bedroom sizes weren't McMansion enough in size... blah blah blah. So, after rushing to try to get the place in some order and get the bathroom presentable, it was all for not. I was hoping to get it listed before I went away tomorrow, but it's simply not cleaned up enough to have people go through it and, frankly, I'm exhausted with the whole mess. Drives me crazy that my brother did nothing but mess the place up and got all that he got.. and I'm struggling to clean up the mess to make enough money to pay off the debt that he got my Dad into... while my Dad sits around and plays cards every day. With all the progress I made over the last couple of months, I still feel defeated. I am happy with the way the bathroom turned out, considering what I had to work with. It will be there waiting for me when I come back. Ho ho ho (hum)

My Favorite Christmas Song

All In a Day's Work

The trip is fast approaching.  It's hard to get everything organized for a 17 day excursion with two stops and toting tools for the job in Florida.  It takes some planning and while I hoped to have the house listed before I left (which means everything done and the place cleaned up), it doesn't look like that will happen... but it may not have to.  At my dentist appointment last week, the hygenist mentioned her daughter was looking for a place.  She took my number and her agent called me tonight to make an appointment to see it tomorrow at 4:30.  I have to make a mad dash tomorrow to get it looking more presentable.  I'm ready to wheel and deal just to get it off my plate.  Today, I managed to get everything painted in the bathroom, and the toilet and vanity put in.  Just a few more things in there and it will be done.

World Aids Day - 2009

Remembering those good friends of mine lost to Aids over the years...

Be Careful Dear (Deer), Watch Out For Your Blind Side

Most companies in Pennsylvania, especially Unions, build a day off in their contract for the first day of hunting season.  I probably don't need to go any further than that to get my point across, but I've never been the person to hold anything back.  Yesterday, 100 people died while out hunting... that's probably more than the amount of deer shot.  And while I understand that the deer population is out of control, is deer season the best solution to the problem?  Let's send a bunch of rednecks with guns they haven't shot since last year out into the woods, most being old men who won't give it up and can't see/hear or young boys forced into the manly-man ritual to prove themselves, most with no experience.  They all go out into the woods, almost like a war zone, with cross-fire all over the place and at the end of the day, wonder why they're dead? 

Any father that puts his child in the line of danger should be ashamed, if not arrested and held for evaluation.  To risk your own life, let alone the life of your loved one in some macho man, testosterone pumped proving ground is just wrong.  And while it is a terrible loss... and I don't mean to be callous, some would suggest that that's 100 rednecks less that will vote for Sarah Palin.  Just sayin', yo. 

Last night, the TNT (Tuesday Night Theater) group had to revert back to Monday Movie Madness because the movie, The Blind Side, wasn't playing at our normal theater.  What a continuously funny and heartfelt, warm-fuzzy movie.  Much like the movie Precious, this is a story about a big boy who comes from a bad situation and becomes great, being the true story of Michael Oher, who goes on to be a great football player.  Different than Precious, it doesn't dwell or show any of the really harsh part of his life before, but only focuses on the family that helps him and his moving forward.  The mother is played by Sandra Bullock and she delivers an excellent performance worthy of praise.  I'm so happy she is having a good performance after a few bad ones... she truly is a great actress.  As the well-to-do, southern, feisty mom with the huge heart, you walk away thinking this is somebody that you wish was a part of your life.  She is a control freak and pretty much runs everyone in the town, but it's all for the good of it and she's the kind of person that you don't mind handing over the reins because you know it will be done right.  The movie keeps you laughing the whole time.  It's the ulitmate feel-good movie.  And while Precious is equally as fantastic and earned 5 bitch-slaps upside the head out of 5, this movie also earns 5... touchdowns out of 5 and goes down a lot easier.  And while we've seen this a hundred times in Rudy, Brian's Song and a half dozen other football movies, even if you're not a sports fan, it could be a movie about a famous basket weaver and be equally as poignant.  Run... don't walk, to see this movie.  Fun for the whole family.

I went to bed early last night.  I was tired from working, fighting with a friend and getting up so early yesterday for nothing.  This morning, I had my dentist appointment (again, from yesterday's mishap) and it went so smoothly that it was almost pleasant.  I got the whole bathroom painted first coat yesterday and will be heading there for the second coat and hopefully to get the toilet and vanity in today.  Progress.