I Don't Care

I haven't posted in a while.  With wrapping up my landscaping season and then going away for a week to Vegas with Scott... then having a disc problem that rendered my useless for several days in excrutiating pain... I'm finally getting back on track again.  With the physical limitations and problems, I'm going lightly, which is the total opposite of what I need to do for my mental state of being right now.  With the holidays right on top of me, weighing me down emotionally like a sack of flour... winter right in the midst and not working much, this is prime time for my mental state to go haywire with depression and the ever-popular self-loathing.

I had plans on coming back from the trip and jumping into losing weight and working out like I did last January.  Although not as bad as last year, I did gain some weight back, mainly from stress eating over the last couple of months, and I need to get back into it again, if not for just to have a focus for the next couple of months to keep my mind off things.  I don't feel healthy.  I feel horrible, actually... but the vicious circle of stress eating has a hold on me.  I feel like crap about how I look, so I eat more food in comfort.  It never ends.

I guess reasons to stop are obvious... but reasons to start aren't always that clear.  I don't like the empty attention that I get when I work out... and don't have anyone to work out for if I did like the attention... so that just adds to my shame spiral.  Apathy... pure and simple.  I don't care about too much of anything right now.

Broken-Winged Sparrow

What a fancy flight you've taken
but upon your return home
the glass cage you've been staring out of
suddenly becomes unclear as your two worlds collide, now looking inward.

With a seemingly unobstructed path
the deceiving view became a reality
upon impact as the pain set in
and you realized you are now unable to fly.

Feathers flying, you've lost a part of yourself
much-needed for you to soar
and be all that you can be...
You are mamed, but not dead.

Nest and you will die
from the outside in, first from your wound
and then from lost potential, shared beauty lessened, despair and blackened spirit.
You were meant to fly.

Feeling helpless, I could swoop you up and coddle you
as you need to be, repairing your wing, propping you up
but the gain thru self-discovery, internal healing
and self-rehabilitation will bring strength tenfold for future flight.

Clouded by selfish judgement, reliance on me
by caging you for my own pleasure is first thought
but with guidance in your healing and giving you an unobstructed path
perhaps you will freely fly back to me to sing a more joyful song; just for me.

Fight, little sparrow, for I can't stand to see
such beauty go for not...
your song, soothing
your flight, revelry
your gaze, innocent
your feathers, intricately gorgeous.

Blog Repurposed

Having undergone many changes throughout it's lifespan, the blog moves in a different direction... Click here for history :  More About Me and This Blog

Vegas Countdown

Only a few more days until I leave for Vegas... I can't wait!!!

Nobody Knows...

It always amazes me how some of the people closest to me who say they know me the best... understand me... 'get me'... are the people who know me the least.  Whether for selfish or unselfish motives, they can't help themselves.  Someone I date who says they understand that I need space physically suffocates me.  A friend who, instead of reiterating that they are there if I need them and then stepping back, inserts themselves into my every situation.  Most times, I just to be left alone for a bit.

There are times where I just want to scream.  I feel so claustrophobic that answering my phone and having anything more than a few minute conversation is so painful for me.  I just want to hide and disconnect myself from the world.  Most times, I have no where to go... and my family and friends need so much time and attention.  Every time the phone rings, I get a sinking feeling... mainly because I know that it's going to be someone that needs something from me.  Sadly, I have myself to blame for being the 'go-to' guy and the person that gets things done and I don't know how to say 'no'.

In the meantime, I just hide from people in an odd twist of wanting to be alone and being lonely.

Pulling Over

Today, I take back my blog.  No more will I hold back from writing what I'm feeling because it's not politically correct or it may shock someone... nor will I take anyone else's feelings into consideration in what I express, because that is only selling myself short and getting away from why I started this to begin with.  Here, I will now be me... not the me that I have to be for others... the real me.

Time to shut the cruise control off and pull over to regroup.

Ho Ho Ho (HUM)

I've signed on several times over the last couple of weeks to divert my blog to a different address as I have a few times over the years.  Putting a great deal of thought into how having the blog has affected my life both good and bad... and recently dealing more with my stalker... it's left me feeling over-exposed.  Likewise for my Facebook account.  I feel like hibernating... or disappearing.

Last week, I was awarded a temporary PFA (restraining) order against my stalker and after spending 7 hours in the legal system to get it, it left me a bit raw.  At the end of the day with the order in my hand, it was both exhausting and excitingly freeing.  I was emotionally drained having to recount each thing over the years.  This week, I push forward with the harassment charges and should have a hearing for the permanent PFA order soon as well.

Last week, I decided not to continue building a relationship with Rob.  While he is exactly where he should be at his age, needing intense attention and affection... I am at the other end of the spectrum, especially with feeling overexposed, including having to be 'on' all the time at the bar.  Having felt suffocated a few times with him, I felt that it was best that he find someone more at his level of intensity... a level that he deserves... and that I concentrate on my priorities.  With my responsibilities to my family and both jobs, I can't give him what he needs... and he can't give me the space that I need.  I have to realize that this is who I am... that I like my alone time... and need it... and will need to take that into consideration if and when I get involved again.

So far, the holiday season has been nice.  Last weekend, we all went to Light Up Night... the city of Pittsburgh has every office building turn their lights on to symbolize the start of the holiday season.  There's great food and entertainment... and my favorite... the outside ice skating rink.  We all had a nice time.  I followed it up by taking my Dad over to my friend, Robin's house for Thanksgiving.  She has a large family... and we had a great dinner.  This has been the best holiday season for me in a long time.  Her family has become mine.

I've been trying to wind down my landscaping contract, but with the weather... it's been hard.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I've been working days at the Marriott and nights at the bar.  Last night, I slept 14.5 hours to get caught up.  Crazy... considering I usually sleep 5 or 6 per night.

I leave for Vegas next week, for a week.  My friend Scott and I are going... he's never been, so it will be fun.  We're going to head to the Grand Canyon for a day since he's never seen that either.  I'm looking forward to getting away and spending some time with him.

The Drowning (An Original Poem)

Despite repeated warning, we wade in past the water's edge

feeling it's shockingly cold with small, infrequent pools of warmth

making our skin taught and strong

until we're saturated, taking on weight.

With lost footing, gliding into an effortless current, we ride the
path until it begins to churn and twirl and shift
forcing us to navigate from the obstacles
to avoid pain, harm and danger.

Joined by undertow and rip-tide, we are now
jostled and forced and out of control
floating in directions that we can't change
finding no strength to divert ourselves.

Thrown, pulled under and banged up, our response
is to stay calm and breathe and keep above water
frequently bobbing under but fighting for our life
though we are no match.

Taking on more than we can handle, we gasp and
reach for any lifeline as there's a brief moment of
questioning our abilities, stability and sanity
and whether to continue the fight or just give in.

Completely immersed and holding our breath, the gap closes
between certain demise and safety with distance from escape
rapidly increasing forcing us to accept our new plight
floating, seeing our past before us, staring out blankly into the abyss.

From within, our instictive nature enacts, and we shed
anything not necessary in our survival, tearing off layers that weighed us down
until we are left with stark nakedness, thrashing toward
our new hope and second chance, lighter.

Our body emerges from the dark and deep, exhausted from
the fight, gasping for air, searching for footing, surveying our new position
and looking at a new exit strategy that's full of hope on the banks
of our regained sanity.

Karma is a Bitch

Apparently, my stalker had two intruders come into his apartment (above the store with the window display of me is) last night at around ten p.m.  When he awoke, he found two guys standing over his bed and after throwing a lamp at them and pleading for his life and the life of his dog, they hit him in the head with a pipe and he threw a tin can with $6k in it at them and they took it and ran.  The odd thing is that there wasn't any forced entry... so they are looking at past employees as the suspects.  If they wanted to rob him, it's surprising why they just didn't go there when he wasn't home, if they had the keys.  Sounds more like someone that he knew... or let in, like a trick... that went wrong.  The story has been all over the news (see below)... and you can see my picture and the window display behind the reporter. 

While I would never want to see anything bad happen to anyone (even him), it does prove the old addage that karma can be a bitch.  He must have pissed someone off along the way... no one ever has anything good to say about him that I've come across, especially in the neighborhood.  I'm just glad that I had an alibi... it wouldn't surprise me if he hit himself in the head and claimed the whole thing to happen to gain insurance money or blame the whole thing on me, and I told the police that.

After taking down my last post on this... and then receiving a few random, scrambled, untraceable texts and phone calls over the last week, I've tried letting it go and ignoring it, but at the advice of a few friends... several of them police officers... I have pushed forward with legal action and spoke with an officer last Thursday and again today outside of his store, explaining the whole situation... followed by me filing charges at the county building.  After 6+ years of dealing with him, I simply want to move on from this shit-storm that he brings upon himself and pulls everyone else into.

Man'>http://www.wpxi.com/news/29763069/detail.html#.TsGhp7FkyOw.blogger">Man Beaten By Pipe In Lawrencville Home Invasion - News Story - WPXI Pittsburgh

http://www.wpxi.com/news/29763069/detail.html

YUM !! (The Power of Two)

For the last month or so, I've been dating this great guy named Rob... and although we haven't officially put a name on it, it's going well and I'm very happy.  Yesterday, we spent the day together and had a really nice time.  Our individual histories are very similar... we share a lot of the same interests and have like morals and compassion for our fellow man.  He's a firefighter... and works in the emergency medical field... and works with mentally challenged kids.  He's good people.  The Power of Two is my favorite Indigo Girls song.

My Brother Gary... and My Other Brother Gary

So... I know that I said that was it... no more blogging... but a few odd but great things happened over the weekend that I wanted to share and cronicle in my blog history.

I was away for the last 4 days on another Body Electric retreat... this time, a live-in situation at the Claymont Mansion near Charles Town, West Virginia (near Hagerstown, MD, outside of D.C.).  The house was built in the 1800's and was once home to George Washington's grandnephew.  It was an awesome look back in history with it's grand foyer, parlor and grand ballroom... you felt compelled to tear down the velvet draperies, whip up a frock that Scarlet would be jealous of and promenade down the grand staircase, exclaim 'fiddle-de-de' and receive guests... or at least I felt compelled to do that.  In contrast to the other two Body Electric classes that I took, this one was different in that we ate, slept and did our workshop in the same location with all 18 participants rather than leaving at 6 and coming back the next day.  The staff of the historic society that runs it made us 3 yummy vegetarian meals a day and we all bunked in the many bedrooms.  Being an assistant this time around, I got to see a broad overview of the whole process from start to finish and got to work with some of the participants as well.  Always a different experience each time, this one was no different in that I learned a lot and made personal progress in many ways.  I'm looking forward to assisting again at another workshop and continuing with taking other workshops in the progression.  After a 4 hour drive, I just arrived back home.

Over the weekend, I received an email from my half-sister, Judith.  Apparently, I have another half-brother that has emerged.... making this my second half-brother named Gary.  He is 47 and lives in Ft. Meyers... is a truck driver and has a similar background like mine... adopted into a good family... father recently died and moved in to take care of his mom... and came across his adoption papers in his Dad's strong box outlining his adoption.  After some searching, he was able to track down Judith as I did and she informed me and I called him on my way home tonight. There's a possibility that he and I could be blood brother and not just half, sharing the same mother and father, but only a DNA test can prove that... our biological father is a mystery... and we're determining whether we look alike or not by exchanging photos.  I'm excited... we have a lot in common and it seems out of the 9 half-brothers and sisters on my mother's side, we're the only two that are interested in the history and connection, so I'll definitely be keeping in touch with him... hopefully finding out more information.   Coincidentally, now Judith has two brothers named Gary... and two named David.

That's All, Folks!

I've been going back and forth about ending the blog for several reasons... apathy, over-exposure, and time constraints, to name a few.   Mainly, I'm tired of talking, hearing myself and over-analyzing every single thing.  Time to fly by the seat of my pants.

I've had a great run... I enjoyed meeting many great people and will continue to follow their blogs. 

I appreciate the support, advice and interest on everyone's part.  Thank you for sharing my life... 

Happy Halloween or Merry Xmas?

What a bunch of craziness....

What If ?

It's in my nature to question things... and the 'what if' scenario is a frequent record on the turntable of my mind's workings... you know, the album that you wind up playing too much and get tired of quickly.  Many years ago, I was living with my ex in an apartment.  We had another couple that we were friendly with that lived in our complex and one weekend, we both were going away for a few days and, for some reason, we didn't mention to each other where we were headed.  My boyfriend and I got in our car and drove 5.5 hours through two states and across the border of Canada to Toronto.  On day two of the trip, we thought we'd hit up a local shopping mall and while we were walking in a pair of doors, our friends were walking out of the same exact doors.  What are the chances of that happening?  And with so many variables of time and logistics, it's mind boggling how that was even a possibility.  What if we went in another door... what if we took two minutes more to bang out our hair at the hotel... what if, what if?

I often sit and wonder how my life over the last couple of years would have gone had I not blogged.  Besides the obvious... the problems that I worked through in my self-therapy sessions and the people that I have met, I wonder how the experience has changed me as a person in how I relate to people and how they relate to me.  Often times, I see the funny look that people give me when I tell them I have a blog... like I'm some sort of self-important, know-it-all wind-bag that just wants attention or to hear myself talk, via writing about myself, so to speak.  That 'who am I that my opinion matters?' line of thinking.

More so, I think about two other facets.  One is how I literally 'dump' the contents of my mind, heart and emotion out on 'paper' and through that process, I feel less likely to talk about it again.  Much like an exorcism, once it's pulled out of me, I usually don't want to talk about it further... and refer people to the posting addressing that portion of my life rather than sitting down and discussing it with them.  As a result, I sometimes feel like an empty shell of a person... and wonder if the 'me' that was filled with angst and swirling thoughts was more interesting than the current version of myself.  Maybe this is just how a person who has worked through their issues should feel.  Maybe I have never known this... and I'm used to being angst-ridden, so this now feels foreign.  We've all seen the trick where a plate is twirled on a stick and how incredible the balance and movement is... but stop the twirling and you have a plate.  I feel like a plate... no movement... no balance... nothing spectacular.  Gone are the days where I could sit and talk about why the sky is blue for 4 hours.  Instead, I have probably analyzed it, written it down in it's most logical and gramatical sense and my cluttered mind of thoughts has been replaced with a Trapper Keeper... filing my opinions and thoughts as a blog post.  My stance on Sarah Palin, you ask?  Dark chocolate?  Littering?  Please refer to the blog posting on such-and-such a date...

The other facet of wonder for me is how it's affected my relationships, be it friendship or love interest.  In a number (albeit large) of hours, a person can sit down and know exactly who I am without even meeting me.  What I sleep in... what my opinions are... how I treat people... what my stances are... how I grew up... etc.  All of those things can be used in conjuntion to figure out anything about me.  New people in my life have a 'window' into my soul before I can even assess what they are wearing, so to speak, in our very first meeting.  If they read something they don't like, they may never meet me, not giving me the chance to further explain myself or to see for themselves.  In the case where they like what they see, they are able to form feelings for or about me before I can even get close enough to see the least little bit about them to form an opinion.  I'm put in a position of having to back-control the relationship, slowing them down until I can get caught up.  With my sense of claustrophobia and sociophobia, often times I feel instantly suffocated and run the other direction or I can never get a sense of who they are when I am keeping them at arm's length.  What if I didn't have those quirks in my personality, then would the outcome be even further altered?  I then walk away feeling that I am the defective one... that I need to protect the other person from me.

Having some social disorders, I hide myself, but, thanks to the Gemini in me (or maybe my self-destructive nature), I place myself in situations of 'display.  The very nature of writing a blog is in and of itself exactly like that;  I put my feelings and thoughts out there and then hide behind a firewall of protection, controlling my comments received and my participation in discussions that follow.  By writing a blog, it says that I am open to conversation... that I am a person who likes to interact, when that may not be true.  At the bar, I put on a tight shirt and work in a profession that is known for social interaction as a prerequisite... and then hide behind the bar where no one can get at me... where I can easily walk away or make myself seem too busy.  I always seem to put myself right on the edge of my fears... close enough to see but not close enough to participate.

Life is a Gamble... Might As Well Roll The Dice

As my season winds down the end of November, I'm looking to book my winter trips.  My friend Scott and I have been talking about taking a trip together so, with him loving casinos and having never been to Vegas, that's where we decided to go.  I booked a week leaving December 6th staying at Planet Hollywood.  I wanted to be right in the center of things so that we could walk to everything... but we've also rented a car as well since I'll want to show him around the other parts of vegas and we'll be taking a day trip to the Hoover Dam and the west rim of the Grand Canyon... since he's never seen any of those either.  With the non-stop flights, hotel and rental car, it's only $695 per person.... not too bad.  I'm looking forward to it... it'll be fun to see it through the eyes of someone that's never been west of Ohio and has never been in a large casino and loves gambling.

Give It To a Busy Person

I mentioned in my last post that I've been having some difficulty finding the motivation and subject matter to continue writing the blog.  A big part of that lately has been finding the time as well.  I added another night to the bartending gig... so now I work a 9 hour shift on Thursdays in addition to my regular schedule of Fridays and Saturdays.  I definitely noticed that it's not as easy to pull off as when I was younger... especially given that my landscaping days are a lot more on my feet with walking around blowing leaves on top of cutting the grass, and that I'm there more often doing it.  By this morning, my legs had had enough.  I'm lucky I'm getting 4 hours of sleep per night over the weekend and it's starting to catch up with me.  Oddly, I managed to get my bedroom and bathroom thoroughly cleaned in the middle of all that, as well as a few other projects, like installing landscaping lights in front of our place today.  I guess it's true... if you want something done, give it to a busy person.

With the fall festivals coming to an end, there's still a flurry of activity.  Next weekend, I attend another Body Electric class... this time assisting... in D.C., and I'm just about to finalize another week-long trip the second week of December with my friend Scott back out to Vegas and the Grand Canyon.  He's never been there... and he loves casinos, so rather than a beachy trip to Florida or Cancun, we decided on this.  It won't be as much traveling as I did in July... we'll stay put for the whole week, but I do want to drive to the Grand Canyon and maybe some of the other canyons for a day or two.  It will be fun to see it all through his eyes... and nice for him to have someone who knows his way around to show him.

There's no rest for the weary... my DVR has been keeping me busy.  I really hate to admit it, but I love this season's shows.  My favorite is Revenge, which has the feel of the big dramas like Dynasty or Dallas.  Person of Interest, Unforgettable, Body of Proof, Prime Suspect, all the CSI's, The Good Wife, Hawaii Five-0... I'm going to stop there... you don't want to know how many more there are.  At least I'm saving money from not having to buy a Nook or a Kindle.  Pathetic (but happily entertained).  I blame my mother for sitting me in front of the TV instead of interacting with me more.  Were that the case, I'd probably be watching Dexter too.

Bogging Out on Blogging

It's been difficult lately coming up with things to talk about on here.  Could be the time of year.... my hormonies are all unbalanced with the weather change.. or it could be that I've worked through a bunch of my issues and have nothing left.. or that I'm disconnected with life (causes, politics, social situations)... or that I'm just too busy.  Maybe I'm just tired of analyzing everything 50 ways to Sunday... or being judged.  It's funny how this runs in waves for me.  One day, there's so much I want to talk about and then it goes for days before I think anything is even worthy of discussing.  Most of what I talk about any more isn't worthy of talking about.  I'm apathetic, at a stand-still.  Coincidentally, I feel like the autumn trees... having given their leaves, standing naked in the browness of fall awaiting winter's fury.

Fall Festival

A bunch of us got together for our annual trek to Seven Springs for the Autumnfest... it was perfect weather and, although it seemed slow compared to other years, we had a great time hanging out with each other, drinking Captain Morgan and hot cider... eating food and just shooting the shit.  I got to have my usual bag of kettle corn, we rode the ski lift to the top of the hill (and drank more up there) and just relaxed the day away.

Day of Beauty

Terry came into my life so quickly and there's been so much else going on that I really didn't get a chance to clean her up at all.  They did a half-ass job at the dealership that lasted me until now, but I wanted to rub her out and put a coat a wax on for the winter, as well as spray some undercoating underneath her.  White cars are a pain in the ass... every black streak shows up and you can't hide anything, but the one good thing is that with white paint, you can scrub the hell out of it and it comes up so bright.  I use a Magic Eraser or Soft Scrub with bleach... but you have to make sure you wax it immediately since everything is stripped away.  I cleaned all the cracks, got all the bugs off her, put the wax on and polished her up.... did the wheels with Armorall and the plastic parts.... put everything away and... it started raining.  Figures... but at least it's done now.  The water is beading off her like a whore in church.

I'm Featuring You... Robin!! (Happy Birthday)

I've done this recurring post before... it started when I was drunk at gay camp, and I had this 5 LED clip-on hat light to be able to see walking around camp... reaching 30 feet in front of you with it's powerful rays, it was the perfect compliment to me not falling face down, drunk or not.  When I'd get to the rec hall, I would take it off my hat and walk up to someone on the dance floor, circling it over their head like a spotlight... and claim "I'm featuring you, I'm featuring you"... It was a nice way to bring to light someone's moves on the dancefloor... albeit sometimes freakishly awkward and in poor taste (the dancing, not the featuring).  So, this post is to highlight my friends...

Today is Robin's birthday, and I can't think of anyone who deserves a special day of pampering and attention than her.  Whether it's whipping up a batch of brownies and having people over... or picking up someone's favorite this or that... Robin is always doing for someone else.  She's the kind of mom that always had a snack in her purse in a baggie... ready at a moments notice for the hunger pangs of her kids.

I met Robin and her family at Jesse's (my ex) brother's wedding over a year ago.  Robin's husband is best friends with Jesse's dad and her daughter Courtney dated Jesse's brother, Jordan, while Jesse and I dated.  I became friends with Courtney first... but then Robin and I became fast friends.  It wasn't always easy in the first year... and we had several falling outs.  Me, with my independent and stubborn streaks bucked the mom who tried to help me and after much getting to know each other, we have settled in to a wonderful friendship.  She has helped me through several situations... supports me in my writing and even started a blog of her own (Life in Queue).  It's an odd relationship... sometimes mom to me... sometimes sister I never had... sometimes friend.  She wore a lot of hats with me, and I think friend works best.  Her family is lucky to have her... a devoted wife and mother, she's the most hands-on mom I've ever met... full of love and support for her girls... they have a friendship between them that I've never seen before.

The perfect wife, mother and daughter... she reminds me of those people who spin plates on a pole... running from one to the other, keeping it all going.  This past year had been particularly tough for her, with her husband having severe heart surger... and her mom, hip surgery... she went on for months working 12+ hours a day at work, stopping at her mom's all the way across town, then taking care of her husband and girls all at the same time.  She deserved a medal for getting through that.  Always optimistic... always with a smile on her face... always willing to do anything for you... supportive, caring, passionate... she's quite an extraordinary person and I am fortunate to have her in my life.

Have a great day, Robin... you deserve it!!!