Day Two: And Tho I Walk in the Shadows of the Valley of Fire...

This morning, I left Vegas and headed for my next base of operation; St. George... a small town two hours away in Utah right in the center of Bryce Canyon and Zion National Park.  I stayed here overnight 4 years ago during my move to Vegas.  The last time, there were terrible fires that we drove through, and you couldn't see 5 feet in front of the Uhaul... and couldn't have the windows open with the smoke... and it was 110 degrees outside.  Ugh.  About halfway between St. George and Vegas is Valley of Fire State Park, which is the oldest state park in Nevada, dedicated in 1935.  With temperatures anywhere from 75 degrees in Winter to 120 in summer, today it was only 107, which actually was bearable.  I spent about 5 hours there, exploring the different rock formations created by great shifting sand dunes of red sandstone during the age of dinosaurs, 150 million years ago.  Complex uplifting, faulting and extensive erosion carved this valley, and inhabitants have been dated from 300 B.C. to 1150 A.D.  (see pic of hieroglyphics below).

Coming from a lush area like Pittsburgh, it's hard to get a perspective of the size of these rocks, mountains and valleys.  With so many trees covering everything, you can't stand back and get true scale, unlike here where a tetonic plate shift compressed and pushed rock hundreds of feet out of the ground, exposing the layers of sediment that you wouldn't normally see when it's underground.  To take pictures of these rocks and try to convey to someone else, the crags and crevices carved from wind and water erosion, or the sheer size... is very difficult.  You are constantly reminded that you are a guest in this world.  And while every picture looks the same, they're not.  It's impossible to convey the sense of spatial realness, mystery, desolation and isolation in this area... and the emotion that you can't help feel.  With the warm, dry air wrapped around you and the wealth of history of the area, you not only feel like you're being watched, but being watched over, as well... especially as you are sitting out in the middle of nowhere with the civilization that we have all come to know, no where in sight... like you're plopped right down into the middle of another world.  Knowing of those that passed before you, including dinosaurs... it feels like you're part of a movie set of Land of the Lost.  When someone looks at the desert and say's 'there's nothing there'... I tell them it's all about what used to be there.  You constantly have to remind yourself that, for instance, the buttes that appear to be shooting out of the ground are actually the reminants of what used to be around them but have eroded away... that the whole area was filled in... and was probably an ocean at one time.  What I really like about this area is that the people who visit here really want to be here, and the idiots who don't appreciate and take for granted nature and this earth... are back on the Vegas strip trying to be the player they aren't.

Today, I crawled over rocks, saw petrified wood, natural arches and the remains of an old movie set, worked my way through crevices and caves and even saw a desert squirrel (see below)... and I can't imagine any other place I would have wanted to be.  Double click on the pictures below to see some of the detail.  I posted about ten of the 175 that I took.  Tommorow morning:  Zion National Park.

This photo is of the remains of a movie set for the

1965 production of "The Professionals"

Rapunzel.... Let Your... Guard... Down

Growing up a little girl in a small village, I always had this dream of a prince saving me from from my imprisonment in the castle by riding up on his white horse and I, with my unually long, flaxon-blonde hair, would cut it loose from it's tie and it would unravel to the ground and my prince would climb... ugh... nevermind... that wasn't me, that was that bitch one castle over... Rapunzel.

Anyway, in an effort to overcome my fear of heights, I decided to go up into the Eiffel Tower at Paris Casino today, something that I've never done.  When I was in Paris, France years ago... I, stupidly, didn't go up in that one and I've regretted it my whole life.  This one is half scale... only 541 feet high (because with the airport nearby, the FAA wouldn't let them build it to scale as they wanted to), but quite scary, nonetheless.  With the whole thing caged in at the top, I still felt like I was going to fall... or worse... I couldn't get the images of the whole thing falling over (seen too many apocalyptic catastrophe movies) out of my head long enough to actually enjoy it, despite having taken some great shots.  I could feel the thing swaying in the wind the whole time and this stupid little kid (too dumb to have no fear) kept bumping into me.  It was a great view... you can see everything from up there.  Maybe the Stratosphere's needle next week? 

Day One: Vegas

I arrived in one piece here in Vegas... it was a great flight and we actually got in really early.  I'm always shocked by the desert, coming from the lush and vegetative hills of Pennsylvania.  Is hard to fathom how much of the U.S. is actually desert.  I've said this before, but you can't help but be aware of the environment out here and conservation of resources, especially water, comes instinctively. Is 81 with little humidity here... feels like Spring.  As I told my friend, Robin... the heat out here is like getting a gentle hug and a pat on the head by a cute boy... compared to the humity at home, which is like being back-handed about the head and neck by a moustached cafeteria worker named Helga while listening to Michael Bolton's greatest hits CD... in other words, it's painful and nasty.

I leave tomorrow via a short two hour car ride to St. George, Utah where I'll be staying for the next 5 days while I check out the surrounding canyons, particularly Bryce and Zion and we'll see after that.  I rented a Hyundai Sonata Hybrid, which they pushed on me but, hey... it gets 45 mpg which will make a difference on a trip like this... last year's total was 1,200 miles driven in a week. 

While in Vegas, I've never went to the top of the Stratosphere or the Eiffel Tower at Paris Casino... so I'm off to do that now, then meet up with some friends I have here at the local country gay bar.  I don't really gamble (although I did win $5.00 in the airport waiting for my luggage), but I'll probably check out my favorite sites at a few casinos... and definitely Del Taco... my favorite.

Able to Leap Ragweed in a Single Bound...

This season has kicked my ass so far.  With the early Spring/Summer, all I've been doing it seems is cutting grass.  Up until a week ago when everyone's grass died since we haven't had much rain in three weeks and temperatures in the nineties (I almost had heatstroke several times), I was cutting grass every couple of days since the middle of March... I usually don't start cutting until the end of April.  And while I usually get done with mulching around the second or third week of May, I just finished up today.  Ugh. 

I took on the grass cutting of several friends and relatives this year (about to add another), so that has added to my lack of time... and my deck business has been really good, finishing up one last week and drawing out two more this week.  With my back situation in December getting me off to a cautious start this year and (thankfully) the Marriott's audit (that's usually in the middle of May) was in February this year, so while I'm usually rushing to get everything done, this year I didn't have to rush or concern myself with it since it was done before I even started.  I'm much more tired, achy and worn out this year.

Several of the hotels around the Marriott have come down and stopped me and asked me to bid on their contracts since they're not happy with the big companies they have.  Not able to keep workers or hiring young guys who don't care about the work they do makes those companies lose their business.  For example, the company that was doing my Aunt's house used to be in and out in 11 minutes (she timed them), and it takes me an hour and a half with the quality of work I provide.  So I'm at a point where I have to seriously think about whether I want to expand my business and possibly become one of those companies that do shitty work.  I would also have to go legit and hire another person, get liability insurance, get a truck (and give Terry (my Subaru lesbian car)) to my Dad and buy a bigger trailer and possibly bigger lawn equipment.  It's an investment, but it would pay off in probably an extra $3-5k a month.

At this point in my life, I struggle with my non-aggressive/non-ambitious side that really enjoys my life exactly as it is... and then there's the side of me that says I should do more, but risk my time off and trips, etc.  At this age, I am happy right where I am... I did the whole corporate ladder-climbing thing and I'm over it.  I fall into the trap of being good at something and wanting to help someone out and not saying "no", usually to my own demise and the benefit of someone else.  I enjoy what I do, so that's a plus.

I leave on Thursday for a week out west... flying into Las Vegas then heading to Utah for 5 days (Bryce Canyon, Zion National Park, etc) before I fly out of Vegas again.  It was this time last year that I did my Phoenix/Sedona/Flagstaff/Grand Canyon/Vegas/Lake Havisu trip by myself, just as I like it.  Maybe I'll ponder my plight overlooking some beautiful vista and it'll all come together.  Or not.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T, Find Out What It Means To Me

I've always said that you can most certainly trace your habits and traits back to your family, especially when you're looking to blame someone for your ill behavior... at least I like to do that... there's nothing like a healthy portion of Italian guilt flung back on the parents.  It kind of makes up for piano lessons, taking the garbage out and having to kiss your aunt with the moustache generously fuller than your own. 

Recently (with the help of my friend, Robin)... I've been uncovering more information about my birth parents (of which I will discuss during some other post).  For the sake of this discussion, I just wanted to point out that I received behaviors from both sets of my parents, both adoptive and birth.  From my adoptive parents, I picked up my Mom's sarcasm and OCD... from my Dad, his willingness to give the shirt off his back and help anyone tirelessly.  Unfairly for them, I cannot speak of the good traits of my birth parents, so I can't compare any resemblance in that manner, but it seems that I did pick up several of their bad qualities.  From my birth mother, I picked up her sense of wanderlust... she was constantly on the go, scoping out her next move.  This, I believe, leads to my sense insecurity in not having a foundation for my life and I'm constantly searching to get grounded.  From my birth father, considering that he committed suicide before I was born and hated children, I get my depression, frustration and my somewhat short fuse.  Without going into it further in this post, they weren't great people to look up to.

Whether it was the feeling of abandonment (further solidified with the passing of my adoptive mother early on) or being gay and feeling like the underdog or not having gone to college and fighting for approval and validation... my anger manifests itself primarily out of issues of disrespect.  Most of my recent dating situations revolved around feeling that I wasn't getting the respect that I was giving, as well as situations with some friendships that I dissolved.  Respect is very important to me and something that I can rarely overlook when issues arise.  I work hard at respecting others, demand it in return and won't settle for anything less.  Cutting people out of my life doesn't mean I don't respect them, it means I respect myself.

I recently attended several gay pride parades and nothing gets me choked up like any certain group getting their five minutes in the spotlight, complete with roads closed and a marching band celebrating that group's rights to say their piece.  It never fails that I usually well up with tears as I'm standing there watching, after all, who better to give your respect to than someone marching in a parade that, despite those who oppose them or the backlash that may follow, proudly stands up for the whole, putting themselves at risk.

A few days ago, a somewhat distant Aunt of mine passed away.  Considering my disdain for religious ceremony and death rituals, the part of a funeral that always gets me to cry is the funeral procession.  In most of the States, it is unlawful to interfere with or obstruct a funeral procession motorcade.  With plaquards displayed and headlights and hazards on, a procession has the right-of-way and those who come upon it must stop until it passes.  It wasn't until the other day sitting in my car watching those around us react that it hit me that it's all about the respect aspect, as is with the parade, and that's why it hits so close to home with me emotionally.

There are many ways that we are disrespected in our daily lives by our family, friends and strangers. It's exhausting to fight for approval or validation or for your rights and some people die during the battle.  It's comforting to know that there are times in your life (or death, as the case may be), you will get the respect that you deserve... and your moment in the spotlight... and people will stop and take notice. 

Muriel or Mariel?

One of my favorite movies from the nineties was "Muriel's Wedding". Muriel Heslop (as the name would suggest) was a directionless, slightly overweight girl who dreamed of falling in love and getting married ever since she could remember. She had an album made up of her favorite gown and flowers, etc., where she would thumb through and dream of her own wedding day. After a bunch of drama involving her family, Muriel decides to leave town and reinvent herself, even renaming herself "Mariel", a more 'successful', fun version of herself and, living a life that she can't support, she finds herself in a financial bind. An opportunity to marry a rich, handsome athlete for a monetary arrangement to keep him in the country arises, and she jumps in to plan the fairy-tale wedding that she has always dreamed of; albeit to a guy that she didn't love. Blah blah blah, the wedding was fabulous, but she realized that she had to go home and face the music as Muriel, because she wasn't going to be happy as Mariel until she did.

As much as I'd like to be Mariel, I've always been Muriel. I've always wanted to be in a relationship since I was in my early twenties and well-capable of making a committment, as evidenced by my many long-term partnership in the 25 years of my gay career. I don't do single very well or 'playing the field', and in the last couple of years (since my last major relationship 5 years ago), it's been more and more difficult to find someone who wants a relationship, much less knows how to operate in one, much less wants a monogamous one. My string of twenty-somethings proved completely unsuccessful, since they have no clue about any of it.

It's a logical progression for me to meet someone and immediately size them up for relationship potential. Likes, dislikes, geographical proximity, living situation, etc. all go into the process. I don't date more than one person at a time and I don't have a problem keeping my wiener in my pants, so it's easy for me to make a 'committment' to a new person rather easily. After all, how can you get to know someone when you are waiting for someone else to come along... or you're on internet sites trying to hook up... or running out to the bars every night. These are all counter-productive to building a relationship. Knowing what it is that I want and having the ability to communicate it right off the bat scares people no matter how much I pre-warn them that I am serious and monogamous and willing to do what it takes to work towards a common goal... and THAT'S where the problem comes in. Getting someone to even agree that we're both wanting to walk in the same direction is impossible. Even if someone says they want a relationship, most times they don't. The fact that I even bring it up in the first week totally floors people. I don't understand this... and while no one can predict the future or the odds of a union being successful, you have to at least agree that you're going to walk in the same direction... otherwise, what's the point of investing time and money and emotions on someone that doesn't want the same thing? Saying that 'we're men and we're made to not be with one person' or 'relationships never work' are cop-outs... it's a lazy approach to not putting an effort into something that may be difficult at first, but will give rewards in the end.

I'm tired of being made to feel like the freak because I respect myself... have morals... and I'm conservative in my relationships. I'm tired of being made to feel like there's something wrong with me because I know what I want... know how to communicate that and do the work to make it happen. I'm a good person... and in this lifestyle, a catch... because I am not like everyone else. That should count for something. In the current climate, it's rarely seen as that.

I may not be a 'Mariel', but Mariels are a dime a dozen.  In my eyes, being a 'Muriel' is way better... and I don't need anyone in my life who can't see that as a good thing.

... On The Radio

Park -n- Ride (My Buddy and Me)

I haven't been writing as much lately... been busy with work and other things.  I'm heading up to Cleveland this weekend for the CLAW (Cleveland Leather Group) expo... where such topics as tying knots, how to housebreak your houseboy who is a dog in a cage, how to make your leather boots shine... cigar smoking... and a plethora of other topics, will be discussed in workshop format.  I don't even own a leather belt... but a bunch of people were going up so I thought a little exposure to a new thing wouldn't be so bad.  And so, this weeks entry of hot guys is inspired by my weekend with friends... My Buddy and Me

Park -n- Ride (Cowboys)

Heading to D.C. this weekend with friends... hanging out at the country western bar, getting my two-stepping dance on.

My Life's Halfway Started

I've been posting some fluff stuff lately... for one reason or another, it's been hard to actually sit down and write something... but not because I've been unmotivated.  I actually have too much to say currently and no time to say it.  After much though about my lagging, I can blame some of it on the nerve medicine that I am on for my foot (result of my back issues from December/accident in September).  Confusion, tiredness, weight gain, lack of focus and memory loss are all side effects... not that I didn't have any or all of that before I started taking them.  I guess it doesn't help that, with the start of my season, I moved and spread 24 tons of mulch last Thursday and Friday... and there's 50 more tons of it to go until I'm out of the woods.  Medication, heavy work week... starting back on a good eating habit last week and my energy is low... all good reasons for the way I'm feeling... but let's call a spade a spade... the fact of the matter is that I'm turning 45 in a month.  Ugh.

I've been lucky that gravity and the ravaging affects of aging, through the miracle of moisturizing, have been slow to tear my body apart, inch by inch.  Sure, I have a few lines... and a lot of gray hairs (which are starting to fall out)... and my butt is heading south while my belly is heading in any direction I'm headed about a half a foot in front of me, but for the most part, I've been successful in hiding it.  A properly placed hat, the avoidance of tight clothing, the occasional dye job... all have helped me look like I'm 28 for the 17th year in a row.  And while I can hide it from everyone else... I can't hide it from myself.  It makes you insecure and inward, hoping that people don't find out.

There's definitely a such thing as a mid-life crisis, although it's kind of hard to guage since you don't know when you're going to die.  If my time to go is when I'm 46, then I should have been having my MLC when I was 23.  That brings me to the addage "wish I knew then what I know now"... and that I almost wish I had my MLC back then.  I feel like I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life going in the wrong direction.  I could have set my course differently or used my knowledge in another way.  I don't regret any of the decisions I've made over time... I'm glad I did everything as I did, but I wouldn't have spent so much time walking around clueless.  I think that's why I feel like when I meet a guy in his twenties, I'm attracted to the chance that they have... and my role is to point them in the right direction... to save them the hassles that I went through.  Knowing full well that isn't healthy, I do feel like I want to pass some knowledge on.  Almost makes me want to have a child... and not for my normal reasons of someone in the world to make my tennis shoes and/or cut my grass or give me a tax credit... for the opportunity to pass something along.  I feel like I'm starting my life, armed with knowledge this time.

Happy Candy in a Basket Day!!!

Is that chocolate in your basket, or....??