The thing with an addict is that they are so intent on getting the fix, that they will say anything or use any tactic or lie to get what they want. I don't know if it's premeditated (the story they concoct) or the lies just roll off their tongue, but it's actually quite impressive, either way. Unfortunately, my brother can't think faster than I can, and he can't beat me down like he can my Dad. I'm always up for a good debate, so I engage, and then about 6 minutes into it, I realize that I already won, having control of what he wants... and then I get angry that I'm having to waste my time... and how the perspective of the conversation is always about him. Why we should be concerned about whether he gets to work or not or has a job or not or loses it isn't any of our problem any more, but he thinks it is. Maybe because we spent so many years carrying him... helping him... wanting him to get straightened out... but now, who the fuck cares. In fact... and this is going to sound terrible, but the day that he dies can't come soon enough for me.
Lately, I have had a few friends and some acquaintances lose a sibling to overdosing... and when I hear those stories... my first thought is why can't I be so lucky? Why can't we finally be rid of that problem? And although being in a halfway house... being in jail... being in a good work environment... being in a relationship... all of those scenarios have not brought us peace... I'm not sure why I think that death would bring that for us either. I'm hoping that it does, to all of us, him included.
Now, before you judge me, make sure that you have first-hand experience with an addict... that you have stood by helplessly as nothing you have tried has helped... that you have witnessed the irreversible destruction of your family and the breaking of the spirit of your parents... that you have been put in a financial crunch because of their actions... and have put your own money out... over a hundred thousand dollars...that your spirit has been broken and your trust for people gone... that you have had police officers come at all hours of the night... that you have found drugs and paraphernalia hidden all throughout the house (the needles used to spell "ASS" in the pic, I found in a chair cushion.. along with the dime bags)... that you have had to clean splattered blood off the ceiling from their injections... that you have had to walk into a jail to visit.... when your life has drastically been altered as a result of their actions... that you have to question everything they say... that you have dropped them off at a rehab facility a dozen times, watching them waste good taxpayer money on a lost cause, then have to listen to all their big plans and how much they've learned only to have them turn around and use three hours after out... blah blah blah... the list goes on. Then, and only then, can you judge.
Since I'm probably going to be next of kin, I have often thought about what I would say about my brother at his funeral. I tried to think of one good memory of him yesterday and I couldn't. Even if I did, it would be foreshadowed by 20 years of crap. It will be difficult for me not to stand there with a smile on my face. I have so much guilt over this, but he has driven me to this point of no return. All I can see when I look at him is a lost cause... a for-not use of resources... and a waste of good air breathed.
And just as easily as I have forgotten all the bullshit and had a period of peace, it's all stirred up instantly yesterday... and I go from at peace to inflamed in a matter of minutes. I awoke this morning at 4:30 a.m. from a nightmare about him and, thinking that I heard the doorbell ring, I got up to check and then couldn't get back to sleep. So many sleepless nights. So much unrest. Never an acknowledgement of wrong-doing... never an apology... never a concern for anybody but himself.
I used to do a series early on in my blog where I would take a family picture and put a humorous twist on it... If I don't find something to laugh about, I'll cry. For posts on my brother, see...
All About Me Monday #1
All About Me Monday #2
All About Me Monday #3
Wow. David my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster that you must be going through. Only you can walk in your shoes, but I hope that life will grant you a smooth path to walk.
ReplyDeleteyou have grieved for your brother many years ago david
ReplyDeleteOh, honey......I'm so sorry the beast has reared his ugly head again. I know the turmoil he has caused you all these years and just wish he'd figure out a way to leave you and your dad alone. Hang in there. Again.
ReplyDeleteI love you - and I'm here for you.....even if you just need someone to scream with.
Julie
I really do not know what to say. But my heart does go out to you. I will be saying a pray for you and yours.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Ray
David,
ReplyDeleteWhile I have never dealt with a user first hand, I have seen it close up. Your description of the situation is apt.
I have dealt second hand with a person that would not take responsibility for their own health after being diagnosed with diabetes at mid-40s. He let everyone else take care of him and do all the work. This lack of responsibility for his own actions caused everyone around him (especially his wife) to accommodate him and his health for the next 20 years. He slowly withered for years an many family members wished he would pass sooner rather than later so that his wife could get on with her life. He finally passed this summer. I could not think of anything to say at his funeral.
So, to answer your question, you are not being selfish - just human. Life is for the living, your brother is not living.
I wish you peace sooner rather than later.
I'm really sorry to read this, David. You can't help an addict until they decide they need it, and that doesn't usually happen until they hit rock bottom. Until then, keep pushing him away, otherwise he'll drag you down with him.
ReplyDeleteI've been enjoying your blog very much.
ReplyDeleteYou needn't feel guilty. There are people that sometimes move through your life that you just "Know" aren't
(Pick one, Right, Going to survive, Worth the effort,)
It's ashamed that in this case it's your brother.
But your feelings sound as though they're born out of years of frustration and sadness.
You have my sympathy. I've got a similar siblings. They're not into drugs as far as I know but they're from the "Not Right" category and whenever I hear from either of them it's always about money to fund their latest scheme.
I loved the creative use of the needles.
I hope peace returns to you soon.
I have been through this with a meth-head cousin (we were like bothers) and an alcoholic father. The easiest thing for me to do (after wishing for them to die) was to cut them out of my life. The meth-head just now realized it (I ended both in '92). It was nice to have the drama removed. I would not respond or listen to voice mail, would not read letters that were sent through relatives or my work, and lived my happy life not looking back.
ReplyDeleteIf you can do it and not look back with out any regrets then I would strongly recommend it, it worked wonders or me in ways I did not expect. It made me realize I was in control of my life, they were not, and I can make the rules.
Hang in there, don't let him drag you down, misery is looking for company. You should have your father watch Intervention on A&E, it might help him see he is not really helping your brother but enabling him and holding him unaccountable for his actions.
Enjoy reading your blog,
TimKCMO
I can understand how fed up and torn inside you are. And it's very hard on parents because they feel they have failed! And then come the "what if..." and the "maybe we should have..."!
ReplyDeleteComes a time for every adult to understand that they have chosen their path no matter how "bad" their parents, family, teachers, society was; it is their own final choice.
You don't have to take the weight of your brother choices on your shoulder. You should not feel guilty for HIS own choices.
Yes, he is your brother, so what!!!
HE is responsible for his life. Not you and neither your father. It is not YOUR problem. Not anymore. You did more than you should have!
It must end NOW! For your sake and you father's. And if people judge you... well... F&?$%!
Wish you the best!
Hugs
Jon
I saw there was a blocked call this morning on my phone... he's the only one that I blocked. He's at it again. I had a talk this morning with my Dad and before I even said it, he also thought that my brother had already lost his job. I felt good that my Dad is understanding his patterns and is over it as well. He's done enabling, supporting and helping him.
ReplyDeleteI have two younger brothers. We grew up in the Fifties so we missed the whole drug generation addiction thing. I would do anything for my brothers as they would for me. None of asks of each other though. Once in my life, twenty-five years ago I tried to help an addict. His name was Brad and he was both an alcholic and drug user. I was going to be a hero. What a fool I was. I barely got out with my life when he tried to strangle me once in a drug and alcohol induced rage. That did it. I gave him a $100 and put him on a bus back to his hometown of Cincinnati. Believe it or not he saw my blog and sent me an e-mail last year. Of course he's now HIV postive. He hinted about coming to visit me but couldn't afford to pay for the trip. I didn't respond. The alcohol and drugs always win. Only in the movies can you beat them. Not in real life. I've been to this rodeo before and I know of what you talking about David. I wish you the best.
ReplyDelete