Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... each day passed and I didn't make any final decision on where I wanted to go this weekend (gay camp, Myrtle Beach, Columbus, anywhere but here)... so I just stayed here. After feeling like I just had to get out of town after a particularly draining (people needing things from me every moment of the day, every day) week last week... crawling in the skin I was in... claustrophobic and anxious and seeking solitude... I was so overwhelmed, I just gave up. Part of it was the 95 degrees humid weather... and part of it is realizing when I'm in a funk, listening to myself and acting accordingly, rather than get myself into a situation (going to Myrtle and being by myself too much, going to gay camp having to be around 700 people) that I knew I'd be unhappy in. It came down to... 'where would I least detest myself?'... and the answer was here, in Pittsburgh. I kept busy... I had a few parties to go to... shopped around a bit... got some things done... saw
The Help. I had a nice weekend. It's a double-edged sword... being in-tune with yourself. It paralyzes me... I second-guess or overthink everything and, case in point, I wind up doing nothing.
I'm supposed to have an 'interview' this week for a van driver position at the Marriott through the winter to keep myself busy. Instead, I've decided to commit the time to the dog walking, arts and crafts (see Zombie Felties), my bar job and getting back into shape like I did last winter... at least up until December. After that, I may get some sort of fun holiday job... or something in a coffee shop or something. I also want to do two sunny trips this winter... one in December and one in February. This helps so much with my depression, which I can already feel the onset early this year. Eating better, staying active, being in the sun and working out are my first line of defense... but I have pills and I'm not afraid to use them to get through it.
I'm learning more and more to trust myself... that I know my body and my mind. Sometimes it's a bitch... but sometimes it pays off in the form of a more stable and happy me.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: There's something to be said about doing nothing.
ReplyDelete"I second-guess or overthink everything... I wind up doing nothing."
ReplyDeleteI'm just like you on this point. Hope you had a good weekend otherwise.
I know a place there's summer in December ;o)
ReplyDeleteSeeing how much discipline you have by not forcing anything in your life or giving in to the "pressures of society," (i.e. it's a "holiday" weekend, so you MUST do SOMETHING), inspire me.
ReplyDeleteYour strength and sense of self confidence in knowing who you are and listening to yourself, give me the courage to make what are so many of the "tough decisions" in my life, which include putting myself first. Thank you.
I want a Zombie Feltie!!!! They're so cuuuuuuuute......
ReplyDeleteWe haven't done much of anything this weekend either. Battling the same type of stuff as you. Adjusting to Kayleigh being gone and the new "normal" of just the three of us at home.....I've been sleeping ALOT. Let's lunch this week so we can drag each other out of our respective funks - even if just for an hour!!!
Julie
Doing nothing is mendatory for me. Of course it doesn't mean that I'm just sitting there watching birds fly!
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean is get away from the idea of producing, performing, following an agenda or a plan, etc...
When I "do nothing" I can be listening to music, reading a book, making muffins... not because I must or I should or to please someone, but because I want to!
And yes, sometimes, I just sit there and watch the birds fly!
Hugs
Jon
Intuition is a very good barometer as to what to do. You have to catch though before the mind vetoes it with its usual rubbish.
ReplyDeleteFor the time being I've given up on socializing with the Old Gay Guy Crowd down here in Gayville, DE. Too much trouble. I would rather stay home. I can understand how you feel although you're looking at life through a much younger lense than I am. I'm past (way past actually) the gay camp phase. No cruising for me. Naps and early to bed. And, believe it or not, I'm quite happy. That bouncing around is for you young guys.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's the time of year. I'm turning down all requests for visits or get togethers. I was warned when I moved to the coast I would become "popular" and that warning has proven true. I just want to be alone. I have a family reunion coming up in a few weeks but that is different. After that I'm ready to settle in for the winter and enjoy my own company, blogging, genealogy research, photography, and Find a Grave outings. I'm looking forward to it.
ReplyDelete