Full Circle

My Mom wanted to be a singer, so I grew up listening to all kinds of music, including Big Band.  My Uncle Joe played the accordion, and I couldn't wait to sit front and center at every family event that he was playing, later inspiring me to take piano lessons.  Growing up, I used to ride my bike over to my two Aunt's houses to visit and I'd help them with what they were doing... I learned that from my Dad, someone who would drop everything to give you the shirt off his back.  When I was twenty and just coming out, my group of friends were mostly older and I was exposed to the arts, often times finding myself sitting down at fancy 8-course dinners on a beautiful island or attending the theater, opera and symphony.  By 23, I was in a management position responsible for 30+ people and training people twice my age as the corporate trainer.  By 30, my mother had passed away along with several beloved aunts and uncles... I had had several long-term relationships, was a Controller for a steel company, moved at least 15 times in my life, bought my first house and had traveled to Europe, Mexico, Canada, throught the U.S. and practically every island within 400 miles of San Juan.  I followed that up with going to massage school (learning touch, nurturing and compassion) and opening my own day spa.
 

I guess I grew up with the TV as somewhat of a babysitter, but we didn't have an Xbox or Playstation to warp our interaction with others... and we didn't have the internet or texting to hide behind.  You didn't get to know someone on Facebook or through chat... sex wasn't in front of a web cam, and socializing was done in a setting face to face.  At the risk of sounding old, the twenty-somethings of today are really messed up.  I'm not sure if it's because of the interaction with mechanical devices or the absence of two parents in the household through working or divorce, but these kids today are socially inept. 

I guess coming out in the era where contracting HIV and AIDS was a death sentence, we were afraid of it.  We didn't have an easy cocktail to erase all the bad.  You couldn't push a reset button and start the game over again like they think they can now.  As a result, we had to connect with the other person on other levels other than sexual and, now, there's no sense of monogamy in these kids and, with a deep-seated selfishness, it's every man for themselves... taking everything they can get with a disconnection of any emotion or responsibility or thought for the other person.  There's no caring for your fellow man when all you care about is yourself.  The tag "Emo" bestowed on the current generation is actually funny since they aren't capable of any real emotion, just when things don't work out their way, like they have it so badly.  Defensive, self-righteous, instantly-demanding and entitled have replaced any sense of humility or humble nature.  Go out and get you some life... incur some baggage... see something ... experience something... and then you'll be somebody.

After my severe depression episode in Vegas, I came back with little self-worth and was reduced to child-like basic ways of getting through things.  At the same time, younger guys started coming out of the woodwork, approaching me.  With my helping nature and codependency, I jumped right into a parentally-instinctive role of helping them through their problems and, in turn, I didn't think about my own.  It's been a long road back, first feeling that I could relate to this child-like mentality, then feeling that I didn't deserve anything more, then taking a guidance role and one day I woke up and realized... fuck... I did the work on myself... I show up and do the work in the relationship... I'm a great person who gives 110% and I deserve better than it always being about the other person... the child, in this instance.

Once feeling a relation to my past at a point where I may have gone through what they currently are, I spent a lot of time recently thinking back to my 20's to remember instances where I was like this and realized that I never was like that.  I was never a vapid, self-centered, shallow person so why would I want to be around that now?  Of the last 5 relationships, all being with 20-somethings, I received not much of anything from them.  Nothing.  Little support, help, concern or compassion, as well as sparse communication.  I helped them through their problems, supported them in their thoughts and dreams, gave up things for them, invested money, considered them before myself, held them, loved them and got little if anything in return.  They didn't have one minute to read my deepest thoughts on my blog, but could spend hours a day on YouTube or Facebook reposting stupid shit that nobody cares about.  Get your own thoughts, make something of yourself... put some effort into shit... You're not a child any more.  And while relationships are give-and-take, I'd settle for me giving 90% and taking 10%.  That doesn't even transpire.  Time after time, I allowed this to happen, only having myself to blame, really.  I am done with it.  I am distancing myself from these blood-suckers.  Love you?  I don't even like you as a person.

The other day, Cubby sent me this picture... and I realized that I have been acting like a wounded, broken person and I am anything but.  When there's so much crap around you, you instinctively look at yourself (or you should if you take any responsibility for your actions)... and I did.  Guess what, as hard as it is to believe, it's not me.

I met someone my own age last night and have been talking to someone else that I went to school with.  I have come full circle from grown-up relationships to playing house back to grown-up relationships, be it friendships or love interest.  I have gotten rid of some people in my life that just continued to take and take and my life is better for it.  It's been said that my expectations are too high... that I require too much from people.  If basic common decency, some understanding and interest, mutual compassion, respect and consistency are too much for someone to possess and give, then I don't need that person in my life... I'd rather have no friends and be alone.  While I'm sure I sound bitter, I'm not.  I believe that people come into our lives for a reason... these people taught me I deserve more and I'm a good person.

In one last bit of parental advice that I can give... from someone who has moved some 38 times in my life... you have baggage... it's going to go with you wherever you go... you can't hide from it, so you might as well open it up, take responsibility for it, sort it out and work through it... sooner than later is much better... It's been a 30 year journey for me... and I finally reached the destination.  It sickens me to think how my life would have been drastically different had I not blamed everyone else for twenty years.