It's Always Sunny In?

The first snow is always so exciting and beautiful, but now that the magic of the holidays are over, this part of winter becomes a big bucket of suck.  January and February, with not a lot to look forward to, feels longer than all the other months combined.  I have to admit that I am one of the ones that, on the 95 degree August day, blurted out "I can't wait for winter".  Um, be careful what you wish for, that's all I have to say.  Sure, there's Valentine's day this time of year, but if you don't have someone special to cuddle with, it actually brings you down even more.  And don't get me started on Groundhog's day... someone needs to play a game of Whack-a-Mole on that buck-toothed bitch... 6 more weeks of winter, my ass.  Being off from my deck building business for several months until the thaw, I try to get away in the beginning of December and try to take another trip some time later in January to break it up into smaller, more easily-digested bites.  Still, it's always a bitter pill to swallow.  With the wind nipping at your nose, you don't want to leave the house and then cabin fever sets in... and along with it comes the winter blues and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Pittsburgh, as beautiful as it is, only gets an average of 59 days of sun and 103 that are partly-sunny, for a total of 162... which isn't even half the year.  In winter, when the daylight is shorter and nights longer, your body has less exposure to sunlight and loses synchronization with the environment, tricking you into 'sleep mode'.  People afflicted with SAD may sleep an additional 4+ hours a day and fall into a depression.  For me, there's a shut-in effect as well and I feel claustrophobic, which is why I try to get out of the house daily, if only for a little while.  Having a ton of time on my hands at a time of the year when there's not that much to do is dangerous for me, so I try to keep a focus of some sort.  Some years I take on a part-time job or do projects for friends or, like this past year, I joined a great group on Meetup.com that does really fun and different things in my area.  There's a group for whatever interest you may have and, if not, you can start one.  Years ago, I started a kayaking group that now has 900+ members in it, although I don't organize that group any more.

Besides taking medications, which I hate to do, there's also phototherapy.  It's been proven that exposure to a light box (different than just a regular lamp) can reset the body's internal clock and replace the sun's natural light that you'd normally be getting outdoors.  It's also effective on some sleeping and skin disorders as well, since it doesn't contain the sun's damaging UV rays.  My friend, Robin, bought one for me a few years ago and the first time that I used it (for only 15 minutes), I felt a clearer, more alert feeling instantly... almost like a euphoric high.  It definitely changed my mood.  Its easy to have on while you are reading or watching TV and definitely uplifts you.

I'm not heading to Florida any time soon, and although it's been slightly colder down there, it would be great to put some shorts and flip-flops on and see things that are green again.  Instead, this year, I have altered my eating habits and started exercising, which should help lighten my mood and get me through until my season starts in March.  I'm sure that by July, I'll be wishing for winter again... and the cycle repeats.  Wait... is it Groundhog's Day?

Guns Are Flowing Like Water

There are roughly just as many guns in the United States as there are people, hovering around an estimated 310 million.  Considering how simple it is to obtain one... with the hardest question during the process being "cash or credit?", those are some scary statistics.  Despite your reasoning for having a gun, it seems that Americans agree on one thing... stay out of my gun cabinet.  And while the 2nd Amendment protects your 'right to bear arms', it's wildly debated as to what it actually means.  There were huge profits from gun sales when the NRA created the "Obama is coming for your guns" campaign... just another smoke and mirrors game in the face of corporate greed.  Meanwhile, he's not coming for your guns, but something does have to be done.

Personally, I have always been against guns.   I have a fear of just being around them like they will spontaneously go off at any moment.  Oddly, I view it as being weak in having one in that all logic and compromise is out the window.  I feel like the only reason to have one is to start trouble, but it seems like people have them for different purposes... mostly for hunting and protection.  To me, we are well past the era where we have to hunt for food, although I realize that there is overpopulation in some animal species and hunting is used to control... so I guess if you use the meat, it's a different story.  Once I saw Bambi, I knew it wasn't for me... and I have never been hunting in my life, unless you consider the bacon case at the local Walmart to be 'the great outdoors' (although it can get wild in there).  Calling hunting a 'sport' is kind of silly since it's not a fair playing field... I'd like to see how many people would go if the animals were armed.  And don't get me started on tree stands... at the very least, hunting is some form of exercise, but not when your fat ass is perched in a tree just waiting for something to walk by.  Where's the skill in that?

Protection, I would imagine, is the most popular reason for owning a gun.  Granted, things are not the same as they were when the amendment was written in 1791, but with growing violence, I guess people feel safer in having one, but I often wonder who they are protecting themselves against.  There's a large majority that think that it will be the government that they will have to go up against, of which, I have to laugh at that theory.  Not that it hasn't happened... or couldn't happen, but the likelihood of a successful outcome for the people's side against the most powerful government in the world is dismal, to say the least.  And it's ironic that gun-nuts are the one that support the defense budget the most in how they vote.  That "'Merica, fuk yea" attitude they back may very well, in the scenario in their minds, may be the thing that works against them in 'the end'.

Self defense against each other must be the main drive in owning a gun... and I guess that's where I have most of my problem with guns.  Paranoia is never a good thing and people who stockpile guns tend to be just that.  I have been fortunate in my 46 years to never get into an altercation with another person that led to physical violence of any sort and, with my strong opinions and big mouth, I should get that peace prize they are always handing out.  I have never raised my hand to strike someone and never needed to, not that I don't want to give a good bitch slap to so many well-deserved people.  But I think that if you are carrying a gun and you're paranoid about trouble, you're going to find it.  A story popped up in the news today about a retired police officer who shot a man dead in a theater for texting during the previews.  And while that is very irritating, does it warrant having your life ended?  Um, I think the answer is no.  So here's a guy that should know better who gets pushed to a not so high level of anxiety pulling a gun out and ending a person's life.  My argument is that if he didn't have it on him, the dead guy would still be annoying, but not dead, proving that having a gun on you can lead to an undesired outcome.   It seems like people who have/carry guns are looking for reasons to shoot them... it's in the papers every day.  Killings are elevated with the presence of guns.  When any idiot can easily get a gun without any kind of mental health or skills test, even if you have a gun, it's not going to protect you unless you are able to understand the liability of having it and that not using it is probably your best defense.  Nobody wins in a shoot-out, least of all, innocent bystanders.

We are a nation of people that are afraid of our own shadows.  Our overly-hygienic tendencies have made us more susceptible to viruses... the slightest threat of snow throws us into a frenzied trip to the store to compile enough milk, bread and toilet paper to last weeks when we are plowed out in a day or so.  And we have voted to build up an arsenal of defense against the rest of the world that makes us a huge bully... and we can't stop sticking our nose in everyone's business to the point that we are so disliked, causing a catch-22 situation in that we will soon need that stockpile to defend ourselves, when it is ourselves that we need protected against. 

Hollywood has done it's part to make us a paranoid nation with so many end-of-days and apocalyptic doomsday movies.  It gives us a view into what would happen in a disaster and how we'd react and I have to admit, it scares the hell out of me.  It doesn't take much for people to panic and if a sale on slippers on Black Friday at Walmart is any indication of what we are capable of, it's not looking good.  This week in West Virginia, a coal treatment plant leaked chemicals into the nearby river that rendered the drinking water to some 300,000 people useless.  Bottled water had to be trucked in and the National Guard was called in to protect the supply.  This transpired all in a matter of days.  If this were a larger city, or a portion of the country... riots would have broken out.  Water will be the currency in the end of days, especially if we keep mistreating our resources in situations like this and fracking, which is the next ticking time bomb.  Situations like these are a real wake up call.  Evian (the bottled water company), coincidentally spells 'naïve' backwards... which is what we are as a country.

Last week, as against guns as I am, I went looking at handguns.  I went into a local store and was amazed at the selection and how cheap they were.  I felt like a criminal just being in there, like I was dirty and up to no good.  So, I was behind two young Asian guys, one of which was buying the gun and he didn't even speak English, having to have the other one translate for him.  He was in and out in 20 minutes between choosing one, the clerk running his drivers license and ringing it up.  That is a scary situation.  Imagine coming up against this person who you can't reason with in a common language and you're looking down the barrel of his gun... it could only end poorly.  But, with my Dad living with me, I refuse to be a sitting duck if it ever came down to a situation in my home or in the world.  I didn't buy any as of yet because I have a lot of thinking to do about it and coming to grips with the person that I have become (in the sense that I am entertaining the idea of gun ownership).  I'm not particularly proud being a product of my surroundings and I have to sort through my own fears.  I can't tell if I am better off on the side of crazy or able to protect myself against it.  Having one may become a necessary evil sooner or later and I'd like to be smart about doing something that dumb sooner, rather than (too) later.

Spooning Leads to Forking

I can't think of a better time for National Cuddle Up Day to occur than currently when most of the country is in a deep freeze.  Although it's origins are unknown, it is usually celebrated on January 6th... coincidentally, the day when we spiraled into a polar vortex drop which, essentially, is a big friggin' cold cyclone that occurs near the poles.  It is effected by the air stream and, eventually, cold air 'drops' (pockets of extreme cold that creep into areas that usually don't experience such extremes) occur, which is what we are experiencing now.  Many factors affect it's intensity, and there are links to climate change, causing extreme temperatures.  With our atmosphere being a delicate balance, various things can throw it off our normal patterns and, although it is called 'global warming', it can cause extreme cold situations or violent weather.  The polar vortex can also deplete the ozone layer, which is not good.  Slightly more sun or a rise in temperature can cause the oceans to rise and the coastline that we know now could be completely wiped out.  If that doesn't make you want to hug someone out of sheer fear, it should.  I'm not sure what it's going to take for people to realize this is a real thing.

Hugs, cuddling, hand-holding and kissing all build towards a long and loving relationship.  According to studies, our levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) increase when we make physical contact with someone we love, which deepens the bond and triggers dopamine, which literally gets us 'addicted' to the one we love.  It also shows that physical support is tied to our emotional well-being, which is why when you're troubled and someone gives you a big hug, you feel much better.

In full-on love, we go through several stages of chemical release in our brain.  It is said that we know if we like someone within 90 seconds to 4 minutes, based mainly on body language, followed by tone and speed of voice and, surprisingly, it is only a small percentage of what they actually say to you... so there's hope for you yet if you use a corny opening line.  The stages of love are:

Stage 1:  LUST  The first stage of love is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen.

Stage 2:  ATTRACTION  In the stage where you are truly love-struck and can't concentrate on anything else, scientists believe that the chemicals involved are adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin;

   Adrenaline:  Initially meeting someone, your stress response is activated.  You get nervous and you start to sweat, your mouth is dry and your heart races.

   Dopamine:  This chemical stimulates 'desire and reward', triggering and intense rush of pleasure, much the same that cocaine does to the brain.  This results in more energy, less need for food and sleep and gives you focused attention, hinging on every word the other person says.

   Serotonin:  One of love's most important chemicals that may explain why when you’re falling in love, your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts.  Studies have show that serotonin levels in new lovers are the same as those in persons with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  We think differently about our partner, idealizing their virtues and dismissing their flaws and believing that this love is stronger than all others.

Stage 3:  ATTACHMENT  Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin. 

   Oxytocin (the cuddle hormone):  Released by men and women during orgasm, it deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes.  

   Vasopressin:  Also released after sex, it works with your kidneys to control thirst, but it has been shown that it also correlates with strengthening bond and devotion as well as the need to protect.

Spooning, a term given to cuddling where you and the other person are lying on your same sides, one in back of the other in an embrace, is one of my favorite things.  There's nothing better than when you fit perfectly with someone else and you can lie there for hours under the covers, nice and warm, trying not to fall asleep so you don't miss out on the incredible things you are feeling.  If you're on a spooning dry-spell, then try to get as many hugs as you can... either are the best feeling in the world.  All it takes is a hug... you never know where it will go from there.  Create your own climate change... under the covers.
 

You Say You Want a Resolution... Well, You Know...

As we raise our glasses for a midnight toast... it's also time to turn a new page in our lives as we turn a new year... and to jump on the bandwagon and head to the gym... or quit smoking or stop eating so much or get out of debt... for a few weeks, at least.  Studies show that over 50% of us make resolutions and while the first couple weeks go great, by February, we lose traction, if not go backwards.  Resolutions are a form of cultural procrastination... an effort to reinvent oneself, but researchers argue that people are not ready to let go of their bad habits.  This false hope syndrome reflects itself in resolutions being significantly unrealistic and goals are unattainable, which results in failure.  When you make positive affirmations about yourself that you don't really believe, the positive affirmations not only don't work, they can be damaging to your self-worth.  The other aspect of failed resolutions lies in the cause and effect relationship. You may think that if you lose weight, or reduce your debts, or exercise more, your entire life will change, and when it doesn't, you may get discouraged and then you revert back to old behaviors.  Making resolutions work involves changing behaviors which involves changing the way you think.  Habitual behavior is created by thinking patterns that create neural pathways and memories, which become the default basis for your behavior when you're faced with a choice or decision. Trying to change that default thinking by "not trying to do it," in effect just strengthens it. Change requires creating new neural pathways from new thinking.

Along those lines, I suggested to a few of my friends who suffered a loss of a loved one to try to create new memories to replace milestones that brought them sadness.  Instead of marking the time of day that you received bad news, make a new tradition at that time to celebrate the person's life and change that behavior into a happier time.  Easier said than done, I know, but I'm sure the loved one would have wanted it that way.  This past Christmas Eve, a hard time for me (having lost several relatives in the month of December) and my friend (who lost her daughter), we started a new tradition of releasing balloons with LED lights in them as a symbolic way to send our love or a message to a loved one... as well as send a wish out.  In the past, I've had Winter Solstice parties where you write down on paper a bad habit or behavior you wanted to get rid of and we placed them in a bowl and burned them as a symbolic gesture of letting go of it.  Replacing a cut-down Christmas tree with a live tree that you plant in a grove in your back yard makes memories and changes that, less ecological, behavior.  Or take a mason jar and every time something good happens throughout the year, write it down and put it in the jar and review your year of good things on New Year's Eve.  Sometimes, it's easy to forget the good things.

The tradition of the New Year's Resolutions goes all the way back to 153 B.C.  Janus, a mythical king of early Rome was placed at the head of the calendar. With two faces, Janus could look back on past events and forward to the future, hopefully righting your wrongs. Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and also exchanged gifts before the beginning of each year.  A somewhat tradition in the U.S. has us dressed up in masks seeking a kiss at the stroke of midnight, symbolizing the evil of the mask being purified by the kiss.  Another theory is that whatever you're doing when the new year arrives, is what you'll be doing the rest of the year, so if you're sleeping, it's supposed to mean a lazy year... or working, or partying... you get the picture.

Having said that, if you feel compelled to make New Year's resolutions, here's some tips to help you make them work:

1. Focus on one resolution, rather several and set realistic, specific goals. Losing weight is not a specific goal. Losing 10 pounds in 90 days would be;
2. Don't wait till New Year's eve to make resolutions. Make it a year long process, every day;
3. Take small steps. Many people quit because the goal is too big requiring too much effort and action all at once;
4. Have an accountability buddy, someone close to you to whom you have to report;              
5. Celebrate your success between milestones. Don't wait the goal to be finally completed;
6. Focus your thinking on new behaviors and thought patterns. You have to create new neural pathways in your brain to change habits;
7. Focus on the present. What's the one thing you can do today, right now, towards your goal?
8. Be mindful. Become physically, emotionally and mentally aware of your inner state as each external event happens, moment-by-moment, rather than living in the past or future.

Happy new year... best of luck, health and happiness in the coming year, and always!!

The Season of Red and Green

Red and Green are the two colors most-associated with Christmas, and there are many conflicting meanings behind them, depending on religion and region of the world, as well as the origin of the tree.  For Christians, the color green is a natural representation of eternal life... specifically, the evergreen tree and how it survives through the winter season. That’s why, in Christian belief, green represents the eternal life of Jesus Christ. The color red symbolizes Christ’s blood which was shed during his crucifixion.  Back in the 14th century, churches put on miracle plays and, traditionally, on December 24th, they put on the Paradise Play... the story of Adam and Eve.  And in place of an apple tree in the garden (since they weren’t available in winter), they fastened apples to the branches of a pine tree. Using a pine to represent the Tree of Good and Evil became a common practice among churches and they began incorporating the tree into their Christmas displays each year. But it didn’t stop there...following the church’s example, people began assembling pine trees in their homes and decorating them with red apples.  Nowadays, green (money) and red (in the red/going into debt) seems to represent the colors more accurately... or maybe being green with envy that someone got to the sales rack before you got a chance to trample and bludgeon them to a red, bleeding mess on the floor in the Missies Separates department of the local Walmarts... but I digress.  Lost is the real meaning of the season... spending quality time with your friends and family in simple tradition and religious observance.

There's been quite a stir lately, and I'm not talking about the creatures that are stirring... not even the mouse.  It's with the whole war on Christmas debate... I think Christians are feeling like people are trying to take the Christ out of Christmas... while non-believers either want equal time for all religions (and that to be recognized by Christians (a losing battle, I think)) or for it to be kept out of public places altogether.  Even my fellow Atheists got into the picture with their Flying Spaghetti Monster as a symbol of the (non)holiday.  Mostly considered a parody religion, The Church of the Pastafarian is a movement against the teaching of creationism in public schools, and displays of the monster are popping up all over the country, right next to the nativity scene in town squares.  And although this is a fairly idiotic and funny representation, it does convey the message that no one religion is more superior to another and people can worship what they choose.  But this post isn't about that argument... although, personally, I think Christmas should be more about the religious meaning (even if I don't believe in it) than the commercialized adaptation that we currently have.  

As a landscaper, if there was a religion out there that worshipped nature and the earth/science, I would be in the front pew bright and early on a Sunday morning wearing a big, fat, say-something hat.  I think we take for granted what we do to the earth with our carbon footprint, fracking, pollution and raping the forests... which brings me to the Christmas tree.  If there's anything that gets my goat more, it's when someone gets a live tree for two weeks and throws it out on the curb.  Some 34 million trees are cut down for the holiday and, while you can argue that it spurs the economy or it can be mulched and reused, it's still not right.  Trees recycle carbon dioxide and convert it into oxygen for us to breathe, as well as clean the air.  If you take a walk in the woods and get an elated feeling... that's clean air at work.  Besides the air, their root system combats sun, water and wind erosion and trees provide shade, altering temperatures and resources needed, and shelter for animals, fruits, nuts, berries and maple syrup, as well as other foods for humans and animals.  When the branches and leaves decompose, they provide nourishment to make the soil fertile for regrowth and the wood for building and other needs.  Trees are necessary for the circle of life.

While it's probably too late for this year, as you've probably already murdered (red) an unsuspecting pine... perhaps you can take some of this into consideration and choose a different (green) option next year.  There are more and more places where you can get a live, rooted tree in a pot that you can decorate and use indoors for the holiday and then replant in your yard when the season is over.  In fact, a friend of mine does just this... she has a whole grove of trees in her backyard that she planted over several years.  Instead of just having a symbol of Christmas for a few weeks a year and then pitching it on the curb, you can look out and see each year... even decorating them reflecting the memories of that year... and starting a new tradition for your family, as well as benefit the environment.

Whether you celebrate Christmas or some other holiday (that I won't pretend to know how to spell or pronounce), here's wishing everyone the best of luck, health and happiness in the coming year.

Pope-on-a-Rope

I have been told that I write a lot of posts on religion, especially for an Atheist, and I suppose a lot of what I write is to discredit it... but not in the sense of placing myself in a position of superiority (as most Catholics do) but, rather, in an attempt to understand it in my head... something that has been a life-long pursuit of mine.  In my blog, I am able to work through my issues and concerns, and religion has been both for me.  I guess if it wasn't for the hypocrisy of the Church and it's people, the cover-up of the pedophilia and that religion is most often at the heart of the cause of war, I would just block it out.  But when it infringes on my rights and aspects of my life (as well as government and education), it's hard to ignore.   I am not well-versed on the many religions in the world so, for the sake of argument, the source of my angst is Christianity.

For me, it's simple.  As I stated in the past, I am a realist with a huge belief in science and the tangible.  And while I think there may have been a cool dude named Jesus, I think that most of it is a hoax to get people to act a certain way, which actually isn't such a bad thing, depending on what's the actual directive they are trying to preach.  If you remove the idea of where you're going when you're dead (heaven and hell), to me, the rest is just following the teachings of Jesus... which is trying to be the best person you can be.  Even with the idea of a higher power, it's really just a lesson in humility.  I'm not even sure why there is religion, except for the part of trying to control people and making people feel better about death and the things that happen to them that they cannot, on their own, control or rationalize.  It's not surprising that most religious people are not rooted in science, for it would totally denounce their whole belief system.  It must be difficult to have your whole being based off a book that is mired in ambiguity and confusion.  How can the cornerstone book of an organization created to lead (control) it's followers be so unclear?  The book, written by man, is open for interpretation... and THAT'S where the problem lies.  That, and the ideal that one's religion is superior to another.  If followers could wrap their heads around the fact that their religion isn't the law of the land, we all would be better off.  Be careful what you wish for Christians... prayer in school could very well mean pagan rituals or a moment to rub the belly of the Buddha... or, dare we imagine, sitting down on the floor facing Mecca.  It's all a possibility, technically.  Wow, the PTA meetings would be awesome to see... who's bringing the snacks and refreshments?

Religion has many intersections.  The hardest for me to understand is with politics.  The Republicans are generally a religious folk, which is contradictory to their policy.  It has been proven that the RNC uses the religious to get votes by riling their hotspots... gays and abortion... at voting time to get their agenda through.  The teachings of Jesus tell us to love one another... don't worship both God and money... and to take care of the sick and poor and, yet, that is the antithesis of the foundation of the Republican principles. They treat women like crap, hate gays, are racist towards minorities, they are full of greed and worship the dollar, and oppose health care and any other program that helps the people that they, pretty much, trampled all over to get on top.  This couldn't be illustrated more perfectly than by the reaction of some Christians and Republicans towards the new Pope, Francis.  The first Latino Pope and first Jesuit, it seems like they finally, after 266 tries, got it right.  He has shunned the elaborate pomp and circumstance of the previous papal and has used public transportation.  He has come out swinging against the condition of the present-day complacency of the Church, urging it to return to it's focus on the truly needy... against capitalism at the expense of the poor... against priestly celibacy... against inequality...  and has a different view on abortion and gay marriage... and people in the church and the RNC are pissed about it.  Imagine him, spreading the Word of the Lord.

Let's face it, religion is part cult and part business, albeit "not-for-profit" (lol).  People are touting him for his views on business... but this could be the best financial shot-in-the-arm that the Church desperately needs to survive.  With followers dropping like flies, even the Atheists are loving this guy.  In my opinion, if you are going to follow your faith, then you should actually do just that... spread the teachings of Jesus... and who better to do this than Pope Francis, the people's Pope.  A few weeks ago, he sent out a questionnaire to all parishioners asking their opinion on several ideals, of which he intends to use to make changes to outdated, archaic ideals and to draw more people in and, with his shaking things up and cleaning up the Church, he could be the soap-on-a-rope Pope that they need.  I just hope that the rope isn't around his neck, as I fear for his life because of his not-so-radical (by non-Church standards) view... because people can be adverse to change... especially when it's for the good... in this case, of mankind.

Giving Thanks

I don't know what it is... I always get this depressed feeling that overcomes me on holidays.  I feel blah whether there are people around or not.  It's just something that happens, and I've learned to just give in to it and get the day over.  Since my Mom passed December of '94, followed by my Uncle, Aunt and my dog, all in the month of December, the holidays aren't a great time for me in general.  And other than going to my past boyfriend's family get-togethers over the years and, more recently, my friend Robin's house for dinner, my Dad and I just try to get through the day.  Sometimes he'll cook for us... and when I say cook, I mean open up a package of broccoli in fake cheddar sauce, a can of corn, some Stove-Top stuffing, some pop-n-fresh biscuits and a small pre-cooked ham in a can.  The only thing missing is a plate of stacked toast and a basket of popcorn, and it's a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.  Oh well, it's simple and it gives him something to do, and I'm fortunate to still have him with me, so I appreciate these times as if they were borrowed.  After supper (which is usually around noon because he has nothing else to do so he starts cooking at 9am), he'll go watch some football game and I either go in my room and watch movies or I'll go to the hotel to blow leaves since the parking lot is always empty on Thanksgiving, finishing up the last few days of my landscaping contract for the year, until March when I start all over again.

There's so much hustle and bustle around the holidays.  You spend all this time running around making this huge meal, not to mention all the clean up... and it's scarfed down in 12 minutes... just about the amount of minutes of the football game's half-time... coincidence?... I think not.  In the past, all stores are closed and that makes me claustrophobic.  Like my Aunt, I need to get out of the house every day whether I need anything or not... it just breaks the day up and breaks my cabin fever.  This year, many of the stores have hours on Thanksgiving, which is blasphemous... after sitting down to a family meal giving thanks for what you have, we then camp out and trample others alive to get things that we don't need, all to save a few bucks.  We are a strange bunch, that's for sure.

I remember the holidays when I was younger.  Like good Pittsburghers, everything was cooked in the oven in the basement and most parties took place there as well.  If you're not from here, don't ask why celebrations were held in the basement... they just were... there's no logic to it.  There always seemed to be a foot of snow on the ground and I'd have to go out and shovel a path in the yard for our dog, even though he never actually walked on the path.  When he came inside, I'd have to pick the snowballs out of his fur.  My Aunt and Uncles would come over for Thanksgiving and we'd all sit down in the fancy big table room, one of the few times we'd be allowed in there and not have to eat a meal off a metal TV tray.  Being Italian, most times my Mom would make spaghetti... or ham... which was good she didn't make a turkey because if there's one thing my Mom was really good at, it was making meat dry as fu@k.  I think I still have a pair of loafers made out of her pot roast... leathery and dry.  Thank goodness for applesauce, which I put on top of everything to get it to go down.  There was always black olives, pepperoni and some sort of stinky-ass cheese that my Dad would pick up and they always went in the same bowl or dish, year after year.  The Christmas decorations always went up the Sunday following Thanksgiving and down the day after New Years... and they always went exactly in the same exact spot every year with no deviation.  I would help my Dad make pizzelles as he made smelts at the same time and the house smelled like fish and anise... which, I'm fairly sure, is what my Aunts with the mustaches wore for perfume.  On Christmas eve, I would crawl into my brother's bed and my Mom would sit on the edge and read us The Night Before Christmas.  Now, I just wish that my brother would crawl back under the rock from whence he came.  Times change. 

As you get older, you realize that it wasn't so much about what bowl you used... or what you had for dinner... or where a certain decoration was hung... but, rather, it was about being with your family, as screwed up and dysfunctional as they were.  And as there are fewer and fewer around, you appreciate the ones that you have left... and cherish the memories.

Kiss My Ash

A volcano is usually located upon unstable earth, like where the tectonic plates are rubbing the wrong way.  The friction causes cracks in the surface, breaking it down... and the lava and gases escape from deep down, erupting into a fiery explosion.  Lava spews out and flows downward, destroying everything in it's path.  The toxic gases and ash fill the air, which falls to the ground in a blanket of suffocation, making it impossible for anything to grow until the air clears and the ground can be rehabbed.  And while this is definitely the volcanic process, it's also very much like our coping system in that when we are at our limits... when we are unstable... and rubbed the wrong way... and a situation breaks down... we 'explode' from deep within and spew a wrath of toxic fire and gases, damaging everything in our path, making it impossible to turn back.  Most destructive, though, is the ash fallout, because it leaves us suffocated and gray and dead and choking and empty and stays with us, making it impossible for us to grow and move on.  Sure, the release was fulfilling for a few minutes, but rebuilding is a daunting task, and will take a long time to heal the damage.

I can relate completely to the volcano analogy at this point in my life.  I can't put my finger on when it may have begun for me... perhaps I've always been like this... I'm not sure... it may just be who I am.  But, lately, I've been noticing my increased irritability more and more, not only in my friendships and relationships, but with my family and other social situations as well.  Things like politics and religion are hot buttons for me, but it doesn't take much, no matter what it is, to set me off.  After the last election, I had to purposely not watch anything having to do with politics or the news in general because I had had enough.  Dealing with people's stupidity, ever increasingly, it seems, in this country... with all the hypocrisy, disrespect and injustice that we see every day.  The pressures of the economy and the state of world affairs... dealing with my elder relatives and family... the slow deterioration of my body... and the seeking of a new challenge apart from my current business... all contributing to my fragile state of trying to just survive and for what, I don't know.  My life feels so joyless any more, like I'm just around for the sake of those who benefit from me in some way.  Most of it is like pure torture, just trying to get through each day.

I don't know how to deal with it and what the cure is any more.  In the past, I'd buy a new car, up and move, get a dog, quit a job, date someone new, buy a new outfit, or take a vacation.  That used to work.  Now, I've turned into a bit of a recluse, absolutely loving my time by myself.  Nothing pleases me more than laying in bed by myself watching my progrums, just hoping to not be interrupted and having complete control over the whole situation.  Or do some activity where I can isolate myself from agitation of any kind or people.  This past year, I've removed so many people from my life that were sucking the life out of me, disrespecting me or that were just plain annoying.  My tolerance is so thin.  I know it's not healthy, but I feel trapped.  I'm a volcano, waiting to erupt.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm removing myself from the problems or if I'm the problem.  And while I'm not the angry type that would take it out on someone, least of all physically, I can't deny that it doesn't impact my life and those around me in other ways. 

Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.  I look around on Facebook or the country or the world and see others reacting in the same manner.  There's so much arguing and it seems like everyone is in attack mode, ready to snap someone's head off.  There seems to be a complete break down of manners, social grace, tolerance and just basic humanity.  Instead, it's been replaced with anger and bigotry and hypocrisy and intolerance and hate.  There's so much noise, it's deafening.  At a time when the country should be coming together, we couldn't be more separated, and it's scary.  Maybe we're all suffocating in the ash fallout from all that's been going on, and we're all just fighting for our lives with our sense of survival scratching our way out of it.  Regardless, it's not the way I want to live.  I need to find a new way to cope or let things go.  I need to find a way out of it, clear the air and rebuild.

Trying to Keep it Realigion

Growing up, I believed in a higher being without question... one who could always see what I was doing... good and bad... and that led me to do the right thing, using a reward and punishment system.  He was the one that I looked up to the sky and prayed to on occasion for something that I needed... one that brought me great joy, especially around the birth of the Son... and although I've never actually seen proof of his being, I know he was real.  It was written and there are pictures, so therefore it must be.  Besides, when I prayed for that Easy Bake Oven, there it was under the tree on Christmas morning.  Yes... Santa (you assumed I was referring to God?) was, indeed, real.  And then I grew up.  I found out how my letter to Santa was infiltrated by my parents, who then went to K-mart to fill the list... I found out who ate the cookies I put out for Santa and how the carrots I put out for Rudolph ended up in the back yard feeding the plain-old, regular, not so 'rein' deer.  And, lastly, I learned how a bad little shit like me who didn't get coal in his stocking once... not once, was calling the shots.  The gig was up and my parents lost a lot of leverage the year I stopped believing in Santa.  In my eyes, the parallels between Santa and God are uncanny.  And no matter how much I read the Bible or how many different denominational churches I attended over time, the idea of God isn't one that I can accept.  Yes, Virginia... I am an atheist.

I have always been a free-thinker, grounded in science and logic.  I remember when I was younger, asking questions about religion that no one seemed to have the answers.  In such a big book where it's all spelled out, it doesn't say much that I can wrap my head around as an explanation.  I bought several Bibles, spoke to several people who, supposedly, were experts and, yet, my questions were never answered, at least in a way not followed by 'because, that's what it says... don't ask questions".  Add to it that most religious people act anything but holy (hypocrites) and the whole 'say-5-Hail-Mary's-and-you're-forgiven' procedure that seems to undermine doing the right thing to begin with, and logic goes out the window along with the baby Jesus and the bathwater.  I suppose that's why I have no 'Faith', because I can't just let go and believe when it makes no sense... and, let's face it... it's all about blind trust when you are talking about God (or Santa, for that matter).  It's better to believe when you are younger, before you know any better.  It's no wonder why I'm a non-believer.

Atheism is defined as the rejection of belief in the existence of deities, or gods.  From there, it get's more confusing.  Apparently there are all kinds of classifications and stipulations.  It's not as simple as you believe or don't... for example, since babies and children neither believe or disbelieve (since they cannot reject something they are unaware of and cannot consciously reject), they are called implicit atheists... while those who make a conscious effort to disbelieve are explicit atheists.  Further, it is broken down to negative (belief in other forms of a higher, non-theological power, such as spiritual, supernatural or transcendental (Agnosticism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism)) and positive (no higher power whatsoever).  I am a positive explicit atheist.  Atheism, in it's simplest definition, is the absence, indifference, exclusion and unawareness of/from any religious motivation. And this is where it gets dicey for me... that bit about active exclusion from the problems of Gods and religion from intellectual pursuit and practical action... this shit both fascinates me and angers me.  There's no ignoring it.  I can't help but be involved.  But I am more fascinated by the people who believe than the content of religion itself.  I've never seen anything that is so vastly interpreted.

In true Gemini fashion, I have several views on religion that contradict each other.  On one hand, I have no belief in any of it and despise everything to do with organized religion, especially their charitable tax exclusion, pedophilia, cafeteria-style beliefs system and how religion is usually behind war.  On the other hand, I highly respect someone who follows the Bible to the letter (or at least the teachings of Jesus).  I have respect for those who have their beliefs.  I capitalize "God" and "The Word"... and I don't participate in Christmas so as not to be hypocritical.  I take my hat off in a church and I wouldn't litter on church grounds.  I believe in the teachings of Jesus and I think he'd be a great guy to be friends with.  I support people to believe what they want to believe, no matter in what they worship, as long as they don't push their agenda on me or hurt anyone.  I don't feel I am any better or any worse than anyone else.  I am happy with my rationale and I'm not afraid to not believe.  Unless Jesus walks into Starbucks and orders a venti half-caff crème brulee latte in front of me, I don't think my non-believing is ever going to change.  I will be cremated and my ashes returned to the earth, from which they came.  Actually, if there is something that I worship, it is this earth and it's delicate balance.  I will live my life on this planet to the fullest, knowing that my life... past, present, future and beyond... ends when I do.  I'm ok with that.

Rachet Isn't Tight Any More

Like a poly-cotton sock that wears thin, so has the use of the word RACHET. I'm introducing a new word and have included several examples of the use of the word...

 

"She is so jigsaw, cause no one puts baby in a corner"
"That bitch is jigsaw, cause she's missing a few key pieces of the puzzle"
"Don't make me go jigsaw on you and cut you like a serrated blade"
"Her outfit is jigsaw cause there's too many curves and the pieces don't fit"
"His wiener is jigsaw cause it takes too long to complete and I lose interest"
"Her stories are so jigsaw because you never what the fuck until she's all done"
"That bitch is jigsaw cause she only makes sense on the outside of the package"
"Their timed sex is so jigsaw because there's only one way it comes together"
"Her remarks are so jigsaw because they're steely and cut right through you"

 

Following Procedure with a Cereal Drama

As a child of the 90's 70's, I'm not ashamed to admit that I watch way too much TV.  We were sat down when our homework was done as soon as we got home from school in front of the giant 35" color console 12" black-and-white screen with 276 5 channels (depending on the weather and how you stood on your head or moved around the room blocking the signal) to watch educational programming Ultra-Man... and my Mom would provide us with a delicious and nutritious dinner Hungry Jack TV dinner that she prepared herself popped in the oven for twenty minutes.  My favorite was the steak tartar pork and beans one because not only did you get little wieners in beans, but it also came with two desserts... baked apples and a triangular chocolate "cake".  Nothing was good good enough for us as far as my Mom was concerned, and she made it her mission to make sure that we had enough protein and vitamins sugar in us to make it long enough through getting our homework done, but not long enough to have us hyper while she was watching her progrums later that evening.  We used to watch Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, Falcon Crest and The Carol Burnett Show, which was my Mom's favorite.  I swear, I thought she was going to piss her pants bust a gut laughing.  She would knit smoke Pall Mall's all evening while my Dad oiled our baseball mitts snored in his electric easy chair and my brother and I sat quietly helping each other with our homework and discussing our day at school pulled each other's hair and kicked each other upside the head.  Yes, we were the model 70's family... a page right out of a Norman Bates journal Rockwell picture book.

I always fancied the procedural drama where the show takes place in court of law or in a crime scene.  It makes me feel smartical when I could figure out 'who dunnit' before it was revealed.  Perhaps the most watched in the history of TV was who shot J.R. in the long-running, critically-acclaimed and recently-revamped Dallas.  I always wanted to be a Ewing... mostly Pam because she had that zippy Mercedes and got to sleep with Bobby.  I could faintly smell the aroma of oil on me as I religiously watched and pretended to be the long-lost cousin or something in a 7 episode arc. 

Nowadays, I'm a sucker for the dramas and I tape them all.  The Good Wife and Revenge are my favorites.  Long-gone are the days of setting up the VCR, making sure that you don't tape over another progrum you haven't seen yet... and God forbid the plastic tabs were poked out or you didn't have the TV turned on the right channel or the VCR set to channel 3 or 4... you might not have gotten to see the show, forever lost without OnDemand.  My DVR is filled so much every night with shows that my watching overflows into the next morning with a good bowl of cereal with my hair still up in curlers.  It feels like I'm home when I'm watching my progrums, checking in with my family and friends.  Often times I feel much better about my life when there's so much drama going on in my TV family's lives but, as a child with a huge imagination and longing to travel and see the world, it lets me live a little, if only for 42 minutes or so... and at least now I am much more aware of what you can make out of a paper clip and some baking soda to save the world... the importance of a good shoulder pad in a dress... and to watch out for the maid... because it's always the maid that's the killer every time... anyone who's seen Jessica Fletcher in action knows that.

Rainy Days and Mondays

While I realize it was a complete drag for Karen Carpenter, dealing with rainy days and Mondays has always been the complete opposite for me, if not respite.  In the eyes of my friends and family, they think I spend my days lying about in a sunny field, shoes kicked off, perhaps sipping a cool refreshment while perusing a romantic paperback book and occasionally picking a dandelion or two, ruminating about my days as a small boy in the suburbs. On the contrary, in my business as a landscaper, the seasons all provide different challenges and it's a lot of work.  In the spring, my schedule is heavy on the front end and laborious, dealing with cleaning up after winter, spreading 100+ yards of mulch and planting 700 flowers, all while working around the rain and while maintaining the cutting of grass, especially if it's an early growth season like the one we just had.  The summer is hard dealing with weeds, which seems to be the only things that grow, and enduring the humidity and sun beating down on you all day long, burning you to a crisp isn't fun, despite my Mediterranical olive skin-tone, luscious as it is.  Fall, of course, is all about keeping up with the leaves, relentlessly falling and blowing around, making progress a fool's errand.  No sooner do I get them all to one side of the parking lot when a gust comes and blows them right back.  Winter is the only season when I get a break from labor, but it's also the hardest because I'm usually not working and being alone in my head for long periods of time without a focus isn't good.  Besides that, there are the holidays to get through and everything is dead and it's cold outside.  I try to take a trip in winter, but I usually go by myself, since everyone else is working.

Monday's the day that I have to be at the hotel since it's the day that the platinum members check in for the week and, heaven forbid, if the place doesn't look like Utopia, the world will end and they'll bitch about it until they get a free drink in the lounge.  I like Mondays though because it starts my week off and gives me a purpose.  While one may think owning your own business is pure pleasure, it can be difficult, especially staying motivated and on-track.  It may seem like I have complete control over my schedule, but that's not entirely so.  There are so many things that pull me in different directions... I may plan to work on a certain area of the hotel and it turns out that there's another contractor doing something there and I have to regroup... or the weather may not cooperate... or something can't be delivered or I can't get the help to show up... or, and this is the biggie... my family requires something (see previous paragraph where I obviously must be just laying about in a field and, therefore, have all the time in the world) and I don't get to work at all.

If it's a sunny day and I don't end up doing work, I wind up feeling so guilty that whatever I'm doing is ruined and I can't enjoy myself, not that I feel like being out in the heat after working in it all the time anyway.  As a result, I have a new bike and new kayak that never get used, and summer is just a waste of a season for me, recreationally.  Rainy days... now that's what it's all about.  Waking up and seeing the rain is the best kind of day for me because it's a total free-pass.  No getting up early... no rushing around...no working... no one wondering where I am... and, best of all, no guilt.  I love to hear the rain hitting the window and the fresh smell in the air... all the dirt being washed away and nature getting a drink.

Landscaping is physically strenuous, mentally tormenting and, with everyone wanting everything for free these days, it can be not very lucrative as well.  It's for these reasons that I am looking to sell my equipment and get back into business management.  At times, I feel like I've been hiding out from my previous 20+ years of success in accounting and management.  As a Controller/Operations Manager, I was under constant stress as well, but you felt like you were getting things accomplished and making progress and contributing.  I suppose I contribute to nature, I just need more at this point in my life.  I need a purpose and a challenge. So, instead of me pulling roots as a business, I'm pulling myself back to my roots... in business.

Two Sides of Being Lonely

I've always been a loner.  I, most times, prefer it.  I think this comes from doing so much for others that I long for a time where I can get a break from the constant tugging of my time and attention.  As a little kid, I would spend a lot of time in my room with the door shut and, to this day, I do the same thing.  Even with my Dad living with me and not really seeing much of him (me in my room and him utilizing the rest of the house), I absolutely love when I get home and he's out.  There's nothing more that I do when he isn't home, it's just knowing that no one is going to bother me.  As I become older, I seek out activities of solitude... kayaking in the middle of a lake... vacations in the middle of the desert... car rides in the middle of nowhere... all things that I like to do that removes me from others, if not isolates me.  With a natural instinct to run away, it's become my chosen way of coping.  I suppose, to a degree, I don't know how to say 'no', so removing myself from those situations proves to be a good way to protect myself from, well... me.

Perhaps a fate worse than being alone (by yourself), though, is being with someone that you're not meant to be with and feeling lonelier still.  Having stuff in common with someone isn't the same as having a connection, and you can't force it, it has to happen naturally, and staying in a situation like this is a disservice to them, as well as yourself.  That loneliness and emptiness that you're going it alone while someone is sitting right beside you... when you reach out for them and they are right there, but you are paralyzed and you can't open up.  I have become this person;  one who can't allow someone to be there for me, afraid that they won't be there when I need them or that they'll disappoint me, which seems to happen every time.  As a result, no bond is made and I close myself off in every way.  The relationship feels like I'm just going through the motions... as if we're cut-outs of a couple... and it all looks great on paper but at the end of the day, they are folded up and put back in the drawer... one dimensional and flat.  I push the person away and lock myself back in my room and withdraw, protecting myself, when the person I need to be protecting myself from is, perhaps, myself.  Being aware of patterns are a starting point, I suppose.

My plight, possibly too late to change, is both comforting and disturbing, realizing that this may be my future.  As I get older, this becomes more and more normal to me, which is even more disturbing that I'm ok with it, especially always having been a relationship person.  I am ok being with myself and by myself... and, for now, I choose to be alone.

What's My Line?

Everybody knows what a line is... a mark or stroke long in proportion to its breadth, made with a pen, pencil, tool, etc... but other definitions include a continuous extent of length or a number of persons standing one behind the other and waiting their turns at or for something or to take a position in a line, i.e. line up.  Other meanings refer to your bloodline or lineage (where you came from) and possibly the 'line' of work that you are in.  In the 60's, there was a TV show called "What's My Line?" where guest stars would ask questions of a guest as to what it was that they did for a living.  It was funny to see the people and figure out what they chose to do with their lives, career-wise, sometimes being way out of character of what you'd expect at first glance.

There's little room on your tombstone to etch everything you were about as a person... what your likes and dislikes were... what you've accomplished in life... who you've left behind... what your trade was... or what you believed in, to name a few.  You may get a fancy quote or a funny quip, but your whole life is represented by one character in between the date that you were born and the day you passed... a line.  Everything from your first breath to your last is signified in that tiny mark... unlike the giant mark that you, hopefully, made on the world while you were alive.   If you go back to the actual definitions, they coincide with that of a life;  a mark (you making your mark on the world) long in proportion/a continuous extent of length (your life span) waiting their turns at or for something (your life process or, if religious, your afterlife).  The question becomes... what will you do with your line?

We'd all like to think that we did some good with our time on earth and made some contribution to our fellow man.  I think mine would be the things that I've built and those that I've loved.  It brings me great pleasure to plant a tree knowing that it will be there for many years to come, providing shelter or shade and beauty... and it's roots securing and protecting the earth from being eroded away.  I've had the opportunity to see some of those trees bloom into strong, towering structures some 40 years later and the decks that I've built still providing a center for the families that enjoy them.  And I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of those near and dear to me.  The help to my family... the comfort to my massage clients... the direction to my employees in my management roles... the protection and guidance to my friends... and the love shown in my relationships.  And although it may be a source of frustration and, sometimes, angst... giving to those in my life has been what I feel my purpose has been.  I define myself not by what I have, but what I have accomplished by helping others.  That's what makes a man.

I may not have gotten done all the things that I set out to do in my life, and there may or may not be time to do those things... but I feel that my 'line' is pretty full of things that make me proud of who I am.  I hope that my life never flat-lines... and that I constantly challenge myself and strive for more.  Life is a gift...and there's no time like the present.

(Inspiration for this post was from the recent Glee tribute episode for Cory Montieth)