A volcano is usually located upon unstable earth, like where the tectonic plates are rubbing the wrong way. The friction causes cracks in the surface, breaking it down... and the lava and gases escape from deep down, erupting into a fiery explosion. Lava spews out and flows downward, destroying everything in it's path. The toxic gases and ash fill the air, which falls to the ground in a blanket of suffocation, making it impossible for anything to grow until the air clears and the ground can be rehabbed. And while this is definitely the volcanic process, it's also very much like our coping system in that when we are at our limits... when we are unstable... and rubbed the wrong way... and a situation breaks down... we 'explode' from deep within and spew a wrath of toxic fire and gases, damaging everything in our path, making it impossible to turn back. Most destructive, though, is the ash fallout, because it leaves us suffocated and gray and dead and choking and empty and stays with us, making it impossible for us to grow and move on. Sure, the release was fulfilling for a few minutes, but rebuilding is a daunting task, and will take a long time to heal the damage.
I can relate completely to the volcano analogy at this point in my life. I can't put my finger on when it may have begun for me... perhaps I've always been like this... I'm not sure... it may just be who I am. But, lately, I've been noticing my increased irritability more and more, not only in my friendships and relationships, but with my family and other social situations as well. Things like politics and religion are hot buttons for me, but it doesn't take much, no matter what it is, to set me off. After the last election, I had to purposely not watch anything having to do with politics or the news in general because I had had enough. Dealing with people's stupidity, ever increasingly, it seems, in this country... with all the hypocrisy, disrespect and injustice that we see every day. The pressures of the economy and the state of world affairs... dealing with my elder relatives and family... the slow deterioration of my body... and the seeking of a new challenge apart from my current business... all contributing to my fragile state of trying to just survive and for what, I don't know. My life feels so joyless any more, like I'm just around for the sake of those who benefit from me in some way. Most of it is like pure torture, just trying to get through each day.
I don't know how to deal with it and what the cure is any more. In the past, I'd buy a new car, up and move, get a dog, quit a job, date someone new, buy a new outfit, or take a vacation. That used to work. Now, I've turned into a bit of a recluse, absolutely loving my time by myself. Nothing pleases me more than laying in bed by myself watching my progrums, just hoping to not be interrupted and having complete control over the whole situation. Or do some activity where I can isolate myself from agitation of any kind or people. This past year, I've removed so many people from my life that were sucking the life out of me, disrespecting me or that were just plain annoying. My tolerance is so thin. I know it's not healthy, but I feel trapped. I'm a volcano, waiting to erupt. Sometimes I wonder if I'm removing myself from the problems or if I'm the problem. And while I'm not the angry type that would take it out on someone, least of all physically, I can't deny that it doesn't impact my life and those around me in other ways.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I look around on Facebook or the country or the world and see others reacting in the same manner. There's so much arguing and it seems like everyone is in attack mode, ready to snap someone's head off. There seems to be a complete break down of manners, social grace, tolerance and just basic humanity. Instead, it's been replaced with anger and bigotry and hypocrisy and intolerance and hate. There's so much noise, it's deafening. At a time when the country should be coming together, we couldn't be more separated, and it's scary. Maybe we're all suffocating in the ash fallout from all that's been going on, and we're all just fighting for our lives with our sense of survival scratching our way out of it. Regardless, it's not the way I want to live. I need to find a new way to cope or let things go. I need to find a way out of it, clear the air and rebuild.