Two Sides of Being Lonely

I've always been a loner.  I, most times, prefer it.  I think this comes from doing so much for others that I long for a time where I can get a break from the constant tugging of my time and attention.  As a little kid, I would spend a lot of time in my room with the door shut and, to this day, I do the same thing.  Even with my Dad living with me and not really seeing much of him (me in my room and him utilizing the rest of the house), I absolutely love when I get home and he's out.  There's nothing more that I do when he isn't home, it's just knowing that no one is going to bother me.  As I become older, I seek out activities of solitude... kayaking in the middle of a lake... vacations in the middle of the desert... car rides in the middle of nowhere... all things that I like to do that removes me from others, if not isolates me.  With a natural instinct to run away, it's become my chosen way of coping.  I suppose, to a degree, I don't know how to say 'no', so removing myself from those situations proves to be a good way to protect myself from, well... me.

Perhaps a fate worse than being alone (by yourself), though, is being with someone that you're not meant to be with and feeling lonelier still.  Having stuff in common with someone isn't the same as having a connection, and you can't force it, it has to happen naturally, and staying in a situation like this is a disservice to them, as well as yourself.  That loneliness and emptiness that you're going it alone while someone is sitting right beside you... when you reach out for them and they are right there, but you are paralyzed and you can't open up.  I have become this person;  one who can't allow someone to be there for me, afraid that they won't be there when I need them or that they'll disappoint me, which seems to happen every time.  As a result, no bond is made and I close myself off in every way.  The relationship feels like I'm just going through the motions... as if we're cut-outs of a couple... and it all looks great on paper but at the end of the day, they are folded up and put back in the drawer... one dimensional and flat.  I push the person away and lock myself back in my room and withdraw, protecting myself, when the person I need to be protecting myself from is, perhaps, myself.  Being aware of patterns are a starting point, I suppose.

My plight, possibly too late to change, is both comforting and disturbing, realizing that this may be my future.  As I get older, this becomes more and more normal to me, which is even more disturbing that I'm ok with it, especially always having been a relationship person.  I am ok being with myself and by myself... and, for now, I choose to be alone.