Park -n- Ride (My Buddy and Me)

I haven't been writing as much lately... been busy with work and other things.  I'm heading up to Cleveland this weekend for the CLAW (Cleveland Leather Group) expo... where such topics as tying knots, how to housebreak your houseboy who is a dog in a cage, how to make your leather boots shine... cigar smoking... and a plethora of other topics, will be discussed in workshop format.  I don't even own a leather belt... but a bunch of people were going up so I thought a little exposure to a new thing wouldn't be so bad.  And so, this weeks entry of hot guys is inspired by my weekend with friends... My Buddy and Me

Park -n- Ride (Cowboys)

Heading to D.C. this weekend with friends... hanging out at the country western bar, getting my two-stepping dance on.

My Life's Halfway Started

I've been posting some fluff stuff lately... for one reason or another, it's been hard to actually sit down and write something... but not because I've been unmotivated.  I actually have too much to say currently and no time to say it.  After much though about my lagging, I can blame some of it on the nerve medicine that I am on for my foot (result of my back issues from December/accident in September).  Confusion, tiredness, weight gain, lack of focus and memory loss are all side effects... not that I didn't have any or all of that before I started taking them.  I guess it doesn't help that, with the start of my season, I moved and spread 24 tons of mulch last Thursday and Friday... and there's 50 more tons of it to go until I'm out of the woods.  Medication, heavy work week... starting back on a good eating habit last week and my energy is low... all good reasons for the way I'm feeling... but let's call a spade a spade... the fact of the matter is that I'm turning 45 in a month.  Ugh.

I've been lucky that gravity and the ravaging affects of aging, through the miracle of moisturizing, have been slow to tear my body apart, inch by inch.  Sure, I have a few lines... and a lot of gray hairs (which are starting to fall out)... and my butt is heading south while my belly is heading in any direction I'm headed about a half a foot in front of me, but for the most part, I've been successful in hiding it.  A properly placed hat, the avoidance of tight clothing, the occasional dye job... all have helped me look like I'm 28 for the 17th year in a row.  And while I can hide it from everyone else... I can't hide it from myself.  It makes you insecure and inward, hoping that people don't find out.

There's definitely a such thing as a mid-life crisis, although it's kind of hard to guage since you don't know when you're going to die.  If my time to go is when I'm 46, then I should have been having my MLC when I was 23.  That brings me to the addage "wish I knew then what I know now"... and that I almost wish I had my MLC back then.  I feel like I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life going in the wrong direction.  I could have set my course differently or used my knowledge in another way.  I don't regret any of the decisions I've made over time... I'm glad I did everything as I did, but I wouldn't have spent so much time walking around clueless.  I think that's why I feel like when I meet a guy in his twenties, I'm attracted to the chance that they have... and my role is to point them in the right direction... to save them the hassles that I went through.  Knowing full well that isn't healthy, I do feel like I want to pass some knowledge on.  Almost makes me want to have a child... and not for my normal reasons of someone in the world to make my tennis shoes and/or cut my grass or give me a tax credit... for the opportunity to pass something along.  I feel like I'm starting my life, armed with knowledge this time.

Happy Candy in a Basket Day!!!

Is that chocolate in your basket, or....??

Park -n- Ride: (Tight and White)

The Cyclical Bloom; An Original Poem

I'm Going To Turn The Hose On You

Road Work: Twenty-Somethings

It's been said many times of me in the past that I expect too much from people... that expecting people to treat me with respect or concern or empathy or sympathy or have an interest in my life is asking too much. And while I can completely understand the saying 'you reap what you sow', meaning if you act like an ass then you can't expect people to treat you any differently... this is hardly the case. What I expect are basic human interactions, decency and responses, after all... aren't they taught by both our loving parents? Ah... maybe therein lies the problem.

I still have friendships that I made back when I was a kid... my oldest being 36 years. Forging that bond, finding common interests, sharing thoughts and feelings, maintaining through life's ups and downs, geographic, logistical and economic influences... jealousy, greed, and a bunch of other things all add to the difficulties of keeping a relationship going for a few months, let alone 36 years... and I have many more of these types of enduring friendships, so I know that I must not be that unreasonable to have success with relationships with so many people.

I had the majority of my love interest relationships from 21 - 38 years of age. My first boyfriends were in their mid forties when I was in my early twenties. Then it was plus or minus a few years difference in my thirties... and, now... the guys that seek me out are in their twenties, for whatever reason, not to be pondered in this post.

I've made several friends over the last couple of months and have invested a lot of time, money, concern and energy into cultivating those friendships. Without going into each individual situation, they can mostly be summed up as guys in their early twenties to early thirties... some were friendships and some love interests. While each is a different set of circumstances, there are enough of them to make an across-the-board judgement that most people of this age bracket are lacking the traits needed to give a shit about anyone but themselves. Blame it on both parents working and not being around... or having been given everything out of guilt... or that they're so precious and special that this made them selfish or elitists... or just too many video games and not enough human interaction. Whatever the case, they are vapid, shallow and selfish. What's sad, is it's the kind that they don't even have a clue... that there's no other option or way of life. and they look at you like you're the busted one. This is much like when a crazy person doesn't know that they're crazy... that's when you know they are really crazy.

With no interests beyond Lady GaGa, getting drunk and getting drunk to Lady GaGa songs and then quoting her lyrics in place of any of their own original thoughts or feelings, you quickly tire of being around them because they have nothing to offer. But being the type of person that I am, I feel sorry and continue to pour time and energy and money into these people thinking that they are on the verge of growing up, but they're not.  What's worse is that, when you need them, they are nowhere to be found.  When I had three funerals in a 15 day period earlier this year, I asked one of them to meet me for coffee, just to not be alone.  His response:  "I don't feel like getting off the couch"... this after I provided support for 5 months for a myriad of his problems.  It's like it doesn't even cross their mind to give any concern beyond themselves... and they just continue to take and take and soak up every bit of anything you give them.  The funny part is that they don't see themselves as needy or emotionally underdeveloped, since that couldn't even be a possibility... and so introspective inward inspection is never a consideration since they don't know any better having nothing to compare.  As a result, their interactions with others is twarted.  Drinking with your buddies every night does not constitute a friendship... you actually have to be present... and being sober helps.

We were raised to think about our fellow man and, as a result, I continue to have much angst over these situations that don't deserve any of my attention whatsoever.  It's a personal struggle of mine to just forget about these people... or pull back... it's just not in my make-up.  I was very fortunate to have parents who taught me right from wrong... to not be selfish... to think about other people... and had older friends along the way to teach me as well.  I think I feel a responsibility of some sort as a payback for people who helped me along the way.

I feel sorry for these 'kids'... and I say that because that's where they are in their development... and that's why it's hard for me to walk away.. I feel sorry for them.  Having spoken to many mutual friends who feel the same way and see it exactly as I do, I know it's not me.  I get far into it then feel overexposed... then pull down my blog or my Facebook page as a way of control.  When I did this the other day, I had one friend from high school notice and another from another country... but none of these takers.  So rather than pull away entirely, I will just have to pull myself away.  For my own preservation, I must just move on, and that's what I'm doing.

PARK -n- RIDE (That Face)

(This section replaces the Y U M !! section)

Lean Left But Stand Up For What's Right

I've buried my head in the sand over the last six months or so with all that's going on in the polical arena.  I've always leaned left... sometimes far, far left, having been called a bleeding-heart liberal in the past.  I don't know what it is... I just relate to the underdog... I worry about them more than I do myself.  "This is a country of haves, and soon-to-be haves" makes no sense to me.  If you ask me, it's greed that's behind everything wrong in this world.  I don't want to be rich.  I don't need a ton of money... or a big fancy title at this point in my life... and I don't have anything to prove to anyone.  I'm not driven by 'more' and I know that I'll be working until the day I die... that's just who I am. 

With the recession, it seems that people are more likely to bitch about people coming over our borders 'taking our jobs' than actually taking one themselves.  There's an air of priviledge in this country that makes people think that they deserve more or menial jobs are beneath them;  that these aliens shouldn't have the jobs that most people wouldn't do themselves in a million years.  People play the lottery in hopes of winning their retirement... or to live the high life... and kids think that getting on a sports team or being on American Idol is the only way because, after all, their parents told them they are so special.  It makes them lazy... why should they work hard when they're going to be on a team or have a singing contract or be a movie star.  When we were kids, the idea of being a millionaire never came into play.  The sheer amount of a million dollars wasn't even a number that we could wrap our heads around.  My first job was a paper route... I made $30 a month and couldn't even figure out how I'd even spend so much money.  Kids today won't even take a job that makes $50k a year, even though my Dad raised us on much less than that.  The $10,000 pyramid, once a bonanza to us, is a joke.  Winning a million dollars isn't even enough any more.  It's sad... I wouldn't want to bring kids up nowadays.

My Dad worked on the railroad for 40+ years... out in the cold doing hard work, and I respected him for that.  Not his title, the car he drove or the house we lived in... because of his work ethic.  That's what I walked away with... that if you work hard, you'll eat.  He never said 'work hard and you'll have a Mercedes'... or that's what you should strive for... and I'm so glad that he didn't.

For the record, I lean left, but I stand up for what's right.

What a World... What a World

It's been over 4 months since I've written a serious post and a lot has happened in the world and in my life as well; guys have come and gone... Another Mile Marker is gone... I've gone on a few trips... my stalker is currently back... my back gave out... I'm out of the bar... and I've set the bar high for the people around me, which is causing some problems.  In the country, the state of our Union is dire and spinning out of control as the days pass... and there's no sight of a rational base being restored in the immediate future... but those are posts for another day.  The Wicked Witch of the West called it a long time ago... "what a world"...  I guess she predicted the warm weather we've been having as well... I've been melting with these 75 degree days in the middle of March.  Surely, the world is coming to an end one way or another.  Time to move to the moon... there's probably traffic there though as well.

It was bittersweet ending the blog.  I met so many wonderful people along the way, it was hard turning my back on everyone, but I needed out.  At that point, I was feeling overcommunicated and under a microscope... especially with the stalker situation.  I changed the name to 'This Exit Only', signifying that I just needed to pull off the side of road and catch my breath... maybe look at the map and get my bearings... scream at a few people, exerting my road rage... and then getting back on my journey.  I did a few posts and a new poem (Broken-Winged Sparrow) but quickly lost interest and didn't write anything for months.

It's been a weird feeling not having the blog.  Not being able to process situations or happenings was very strange.  Riding down the road and having a topic pop into my head and not being able to get it out on paper was frustrating and left my mind filled.  I feel like, in the heat of the blog's existence, I was processing things and my life was flowing, if not coasting.  Life was easy, if not almost boring.  In the interim, I feel like I'm dodging obstacles like things falling off the back of a truck that's in front of you on the highway... and I need to get back to processing situations as they come to move forward.  I got complacent about things in my life and things in the world.  I was taking the easy route, which isn't like me.  'Cutting on the bias'... or 'across the grain' explains the path I've always taken in the past... not the easy way or with the flow... I've turned around mid-stream to 'face the traffic'... looking life in the eyes again... alive again (until I get ran over by the mid-town #5 bus or the new Fiat (curse J-Lo and her big butt for selling those)).

There will be a lot more changes to the blog's format.  I'll be speaking more freely, and voicing my opinions... if you're new to it... check out my original poems listed in the right-hand column... or "More About Me and This Blog" for a blog progression and some useless information about me personally.