Another Really Funny One...

Pretty Funny

Doormats That Would Make You Think Twice About Knocking

It's Hard Being So Cosmopolitan

After living in Philadelphia for 12 years, I miss the feel of a big city sometimes.  To shop the downtown stores... sit at a sidewalk cafe and have lunch with a friend or meander into a corner coffee shop and watch the passersby over a venti hazelnut latte.  The ideal that if you lived in a certain area (say, a beachy town) that you'd be doing that certain thing known for the area (like laying on the beach everyday) doesn't really manifest itself with our busy lives.  In reality, we usually take for granted our immediate area and don't take advantage of all that it has to offer.  Today was one of those days where I bucked the system and got out there, soaked up the local color and felt like a little girl in a big city, albeit Pittsburgh.

This morning, Robin, Robert and I met and headed to the Strip District downtown.  As I have stated before, it's historically the place where produce and goods were brought into the city as a distribution point as well as an origin for foods of many nationalities.  After a wonderful breakfast, we doddled through the streets, oogling the goodies offered, most with their wares right on the sidewalk (and I'm not talking about the fruits and nuts walking around).  Everyone had their holiday spreads out, with fresh coffees and breads and cookies and pastries, where we picked up some delicious treasures.  They recently set aside some warehouse space for local purveyors to display their things as well, all under one roof, called the Pittsburgh Open Market.  It's crazy that we go to Walmart to buy anything when there's fresh, fantastic choices nearby. 

After we left there, we hopped a few blocks over to where they had the tree set up around the ice skating rink at PPG (Pittsburgh Plate Glass) Place, a multi-building complex made to look like glass castles.  There were people buzzing all around... ice skating, taking in some musical players and stopping by the Winter Garden, where a display of Santa's from all over the world was presented.

We wrapped the day up with the latest installment of Harry Potter.  Now, I'm not big on swords and sorcerers and all that fantasy crap...  I don't go for that sort of thing, but somehow I always end up seeing those three 40-somethings parading around like they're only 14 over and over.  And the lot that watches these kinds of movies are a little bizarre... and chew popcorn like cows, but fortunately, I didn't care much about the movie so it didn't bother me.  Regardless, about 4 minutes into it, I'm lost, with all the bumbledids and goggledorfs and the like... I can't keep anyone straight.  About 9 minutes into it, and I just wish that someone would pull out a magic wand bigger than Harry Potter's and zap the shit out of him, once and for all (although I have seen his weenus in print... and I guess we'll have a few more sequels until someone can pull that off).  Plus, it's so confusing for me when my mind wanders and I fantasize about his hairy 'potter', especially when they have him parading around half naked several times throughout....  Am I getting juiced up by the 14 year old that he is supposed to be or the grown up that he is?  It shouldn't be this difficult.  Fortunately, the fantastic scenery of the exotic places that they transport themselves to when fleeing from someone bad makes it spectacular to see.  Funny that they don't transport themselves into the dogfood aisle of the Moordoor Walmart... I've seen people wander in those departments, never to be seen again.

Poor Hilary

A Story at Christmas

Tonight, I attended the showing of A Christmas Story... a play (based from the 1970's cult classic of the same name) put on at the Liberty Theater at the Lincoln Park School for the Performing Arts.  It just so happens that Julie's son, Dan, was the lead, playing Ralphie.  He was a natural... in fact, I think that he did such a great job because his personality is so much like Ralphie's.  It turns out that I knew someone else in the cast as well from years and years ago.  The play was literally word-for-word.  The only scene they didn't do was dinner at the Chinese restaurant.  Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

What's really funny is that Dan had his picture up on billboards around the city and suburbs.  He also had mugs and T-shirts for sale with his face on them as well.  That must be surreal.  Anyway, it was a great night out!

It's Nano Your Business What I'm Listening To...

It's been flurrying all day long but really isn't sticking to the ground.  The roads got icy, especially the bridges, and it's still coming down.  The cold air feels good.  I was out running errands and such and took in the movie Burlesque with my friend Michael.  What a great movie.  I don't own one piece of music from Christine Aguilera and I'm questioning that now... what a fantastic voice she has, with all it's power... plus great to look at and a good actor as well.  Cher, for her age and all that she's had done, looks no older than when I used to sit with my Mom and watch Sonny and Cher back in the early 70's.  Bravo to her plastic surgeon.  She sang a few songs as well and didn't miss a beat.

About a burlesque theater in Los Angeles where the girls dress skimpy and lip-sync to songs while dancing around the stage in elaborate costumes, the theater finds itself in trouble coming down to the wire on a balloon mortgage payment coming due.  The theaters star just isn't bringing the crowd in any more.  Enter Ali Rose (Aguilera) who moves from Iowa for the bright lights of L.A. and happens into the bar, decides she wants to dance there and pushes for a job.  Reluctantly, Cher gives her a chance and on a night where the sound system goes awry is when she really gets the opportunity to showcase her voice.  The rest, they say, is history.  Full of bubbly sexy songs, a love triangle and a powerplay or two, and you have the most enjoyable movie that I've seen in a long time.  It's a must-see.

Having bought the CD already, this is the swan-song sung by Cher which, with her several retirements throughout the years, is true-to-life... You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me Yet:

First Snow of the Season

December 1 World Aids Day

June or 2011 will mark the 30th anniversary of the first reported cases of HIV/AIDS.  The first of December is dedicated to raising awareness of the the pandemic that, since 1981, has killed more than 25 million people... and an estimated 30 million are living with HIV.  With proper education, medication and raised awareness, the cases have gone down, especially in the gay community, which proves this is not a 'gay disease'.  This is everyone's disease and everyone's responsibility.  Know the facts and know your status.   There are many friends and family that have fallen before us.  Respect their fight, but don't become them.

Gone Too Soon was sung by Michael Jackson for his friend, the young Ryan White who contracted HIV and subsequently died from AIDS...

You Can Be A Yinzer, Too

I know there's some of you out there that feel slighted that you can't be a Yinzer from Pittsburgh, so I added a weather widget and a weather webcam under the visitor counter in the right column.  It's pointed at Point State Park, downtown.  Of course, you're not going to see anything at night (duh).  Now you can feel just like one of the Jagoffs from dahntahn in da 'burgh.  The picture shown was from the fireworks show on light up night this year, when all the office buildings turn their lights on in celebration of the holiday season.

Tots With Little Wieners

Before you call 911 and send out an Amber alert like I'm some pedophile (from the posting title)... read on...

It's so miserable outside... pouring down rain like it's never going to stop.  I had some running around to do today and wasn't feeling that great, so I bagged the movie for tonight in favor of just heading home and getting into bed and watching TV.  One of the stops was the grocery store and I was in the mood for tater tots, so I picked up some of those and cooked them.  While the oven was on, I had a tube of poppin-fresh crescent rolls from Thanksgiving dinner that we didn't use, and wanted to use them up... so I wrapped them around some little wieners.  I tell you, I felt like I was at a swanky wedding or something.  I almost went and put my fancy ballcap on and a fresh gray t-shirt and cargo shorts.  You gotta love a little wiener... they taste so good, just popping one in your mouth.  It's hot in here... or is that the heat from the oven?

My programs (pronounced 'progrums') have been all screwed up between the holiday and football.  It's been all repeats.  On top of that, one of the batteries in my remote control leaked acid and made it mentally challenged... if you pressed something, it wouldn't react until three seconds later.  Or it had ADD... if you didn't press the keys fast enough, it forgot what it was supposed to do and went back to what it was doing.  And I was fresh out of remote Ritalin, so I had to get a replacement today.  Is this how it's going to be with television now... with your sporty-sports spectaculars and your little house on the prairie christmas fantasticos?  You can keep it all... just give me back my Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives.  Why do the gays always have to have some sort of hardship from the straighties?

Transference

I've never been one for making goals, although I do believe in them as a way to achieve things.  For goals to be a possibility for me, I think that would have to imply that I have any sort of control over my life which rarely seems to be the case.  Day after day, it seems that all I do is put out other people's fires while my problems simmer perpetually like embers in a fire.  I have had much more luck with a milestone approach, getting from one point to the next... somewhat like rocks in a creekbed, jumping from one to the next, trying to get across.  With a constant barrage of things coming at me with every phone call and being somewhat a sociophobe, I hate to plan in advance.  As I get older, I notice that, because of this, I seek out and desire solitary activities, like my drives or my puzzles.  In a strange juxtaposition, even going to Barnes and Noble is a solitary act, even though I'm surrounded by people (that I don't have to talk to).  I have noticed also that with my milestones, it's not so much the physical nature of the item (as with Xmas... cooking, having to buy presents, putting a tree up), but, rather, the emotional nature of the item (being depressed with the loss of family in the month of December, avoiding social situations like having to visit, etc.).

I'm really proud of the things that I have been able to accomplish and move forward lately.  Some pretty major obstacles have stood in my way, of what, I don't know, but still.  It feels good to not have a 'list' in my head.  And while there's major things and minor on the list, it's still a list.  Even the smallest item can be overbearing.  For instance, my Aunt wanted me to stop over her house and look at some medical forms because she didn't understand a question.  So I stopped twice over the weekend and she wasn't home, and she called me twice to see if I was still coming.  On the third time, she was home, and I was able to look at the form.  The question was 'do you chew tobacco?', yes or no... and even though she doesn't, she wasn't sure if she should mark 'no' or just leave it blank.  Three trips over there and a total of three phone calls later, and I was out of there in 45 seconds, but I had a weekend full of anxiety over it because of her anxiety over it.  The same with my Dad this morning.  I have to take him over to the bank so we can close out some empty bank accounts and he's asked me two times when we're going in the last 45 minutes.

I realize that trying to go this season without depression medication is going to lessen my ability to cope, although I feel like I'm doing pretty good so far.  I am definitely a problem solver... maybe I'm at fault for putting myself in that position and for making people around me weak, either inadvertently because they see me as being strong and let me handle things or my issues of wanting things done right and not trusting people, or my issue of taking care of people.  Either way, it has resulted in my life filled with things that other people are capable of doing themselves that they wind up dumping on me.  And although I don't mind the actual act of doing whatever it is that needs done, it's all the transferred anxiety that weighs on me.  Saying 'whenever you have time' and then calling me 15 times is contradictory.  I have become a master of juggling other people's problems by the level of psychotic anxiety they possess and display, not by what is actually the pressing or important issue.  I am amazed at how much of my life is actually about someone else's and think wouldn't it be incredible if I actually had control?

After getting through closing the house, my nephew's loans, wrapping up my contractual obligations to the Marriott, Thanksgiving, my tax extension, etc., I'm sailing through to the new year on the trip to Florida, Xmas, New Years Eve and then?  January and February are clear until I start back at the Marriott in mid-March... I should have plenty of time for everyone else's crap.  New Year's resolution:  Learning to say 'NO'.

YUM !! (There Should Be Laws To Protect the Innocent)

Mental... The Non-Medicated Kind

Yesterday, I braved the streets with all the crazed shoppers looking to save a buck.  Thankfully (for the economy), Christmas has lost it's meaning and is nothing but a lesson in advertising ploys and free enterprise.  There are a few snowflakes bobbing around out there, but not enough to make me run out there and prance through them (fortunately for the neighbors).  I have nothing to do today, so I will probably have to finally go into the garage and clean up my landscaping stuff this morning (since I didn't do it the last 4 days).  Now that it's 31 degrees out, it won't be as fun, like that was a possibility to begin with.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night on DVD.  Much of it was as expected;  Julia Roberts running around in a sensible shoe through a few countries with great scenery and a penchant for eating food and not caring if she gets fat, looking for the answers, a man and a good coffee.  And while that is enough already for me to relate (it practically sounds like a normal Saturday afternoon for me), the concentration on finding herself after being lost in a world that she didn't want to be in rang true for me.  I've been on a journey after hitting rock bottom in Vegas a few years ago.  And while I didn't travel to India to meditate in a temple, I have done some work on myself.  I don't think that we'll every totally get there since we're always going to be a work in progress, but it feels good to be able to recognize an unhappiness, be honest with myself and do the work.  As a result, I am in a better place, although not totally Utopian... and I have some more work to do.  My friend Michael has found Buddism, and I may look into some of it's teachings, especially the meditation and clearing the mind parts, which would be beneficial for me since I am so mental (not the white coat, padded room kind (although some of my friends would beg to differ))... rather, the kind where I'm always in my head.  I miss so much of the world by being in there (and there's no air conditioning and a musky smell).  And while I could use a trek around the world to find myself, I don't think I'm anywhere out there.  Sadly, I'm right here and not going anywhere.  Maybe I could hang my issues right up next to the rakes in the garage.

Happy Turkey Day

Other than going to my past boyfriend's family get togethers over the years, I can't remember the last time that my family had any kind of organized dinner for Thanksgiving or for Christmas.  Since my mom passed away in 1994, that was probably the last time, so holidays turn out to be just another day for me, which is fine.

It's funny how the country has changed.  I remember when we were younger, there wasn't anything open on holidays.. and most time the day before as well.  Now, the big box retailers seem to all have hours.  I think Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only two where there isn't anything open... and that makes me claustrophobic.  I'm like my Aunt in that respect... I like to go to a store or at least Barnes and Noble every day just to get out.

Today, my Dad will open up a bag of frozen broccoli/cauliflower in the fake cheese sauce, some poppin-fresh biscuits, some stove top stuffing and a can of corn with the pre-cooked ham and that will be our dinner.  In fact, he's down there now making it all already because he had nothing else to do and was excited about it.  So we'll sit there and share a meal together with the AM radio playing in the background... 15 minutes later, I'll be back in my room watching a movie and he'll be back to watching a game and that will wrap up another holiday for us.  And still, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  I am, however, salivating over my friend, John's (the one in Wales who raises foul, including turkeys), picture today... he sees a pet and I see some juicy white meat... YUM! 

Happy Thanksgiving to my family, friends and readers, all of which I am very thankful.

Movie Night

My passion for movies has waned over the last couple of months.  I've seen a few in the theater and at home but really didn't comment on them like I used to.  I can tell that I'm not as focused on the movie any more when I can now tolerate the idiots around me in the theater, popping their popcorn in their mouth, rattling their candy wrappers, chit-chatting amongst themselves throughout, interaction with their cell phone... none of it bothers me as much because I'm not that interested in the process any more, I guess.  I seem to be an idiot magnet though, because with a packed theater last night, the only two that did anything was the guy sitting right next to me.  The only time that he wasn't talking was when he was shoving popcorn in his mouth and when he finally fell asleep near the end, no doubt lulled there by the sound of his own voice.

Last night, we went to see The Last Three Days with Russell Crowe and Elizabeth Banks.  I guess Pittsburgh has some sort of tax credit for Hollywood to shoot movies here because there have been a slew of them shot here lately, this being one of them.  The only thing wrong with seeing a movie in the town where the movie was shot is that the natives can't control their fascination with trying to figure out where each scene is and sharing their own experience in that spot while the movie is going on, whether it's that they threw up on that corner or their aunt lives in that neighborhood... it never stops.

Having said all that, the movie is about a family (husband, wife and newborn son) and the wife gets arrested for murder under circumstantial evidence and the majority of the movie is watching the son grow up without his mother, and the husband's slow decent into his desperation in breaking his wife out of prison when he realizes that she's never going to get out.  The prison that they used was the Allegheny County Jail which I know well (here comes my yinzer account of something that I related to in the movie).  With my brother being in there several times over time, I am eerily aware of the procedures from walking in the door and getting frisked to heading up to the visiting area like cattle, as I have done it several times.  Nothing makes you feel like a piece of shit in life more... I remember taking my Dad to see my brother and I felt so bad that he, as an 80-something father, had to sit in the waiting room with other foul-mouthed family members that looked like they were going to cut a bitch up for looking at them the wrong way.  I couldn't wait to get my Dad out of there and take a shower.  Just another one of the fine experiences provided by my brother... add that to having a Constable come to the house at 2 a.m., cleaning blood off the wall from his shooting up, finding needles stuffed in the living room chair and being dragged to undisclosed locations to make payments to a Constable that was really one of my brother's friends acting like one.

If my life is ever portrayed in a movie... I hope that Colin Farrell portrays me... or maybe Angelina Jolie... that bitch can tear a role up.

Scars

Written by Ronan Keating... shared by Jaydog:

Scars are warning signs left behind from choices that we made.
Scars follow you home and they won't let go
They're with you to the grave
Everybody has regrets, wounds they wish would heal
Clocks that won't reset
Scars are simply lessons learned,
bridges that we've burned
So we won't go back


Scars show me where I've been, where I shouldn't go again
Keep my heart on track
I'm sure, sure before too long
I'll have another souvenir
From somewhere that went wrong
But I wouldn't change a thing
They're such a part of me
They make me who I am
No apologies for these scars

Toxic Love

Are we really capable of moving on from a situation?  No matter how much thought, meditation, talking it through with friends or therapy, do you ever feel like you believe what you are resolved to think about something?  When a loved one passes, you cry, mourn, have heart-ache, reminisce... and you think that you move forward, but then all it takes is something familiar... a special day, a smell, a song... and you're right back there like the person isn't gone.  A bad memory perhaps... you were bullied as a kid and, now, someone puts their hand on your shoulder and you are instantly taken back to that exact moment, full of fright or anger.

I recently was dating a great guy, Giuseppe, who really had his shit together... on paper, it all seemed perfect.  But in my heart, I was not able to make a connection with him and broke it off before I hurt him.  And while 4 or 5 weeks isn't really a long time to establish feelings for someone, in other instances, your heart skips a beat the moment you see or meet someone.  Sadly, you can't force a connection with someone, no matter how much sense it makes or what a great situation it is... or how fantastic the person.  With so many variables going into attraction, it's a wonder how you can mesh with anyone, and yet, it happens.  But, it's that one connection that you have that's so dynamic... which is sometimes a once in a lifetime happening... that you measure all others.

The first time I ever saw Jesse, it was at camp and I was probably 500 feet from him.  I knew right then and there.  I felt it.  Throughout our tumultuous relationship, there was never a time where he wasn't with me, in my heart, where I didn't feel his presence.  The good times were great and the bad times were even good.  And yet, the relationship, through several attempts, never worked, even in variations on the definition of 'relationship'.  Perhaps it was our age difference... our difference in life and relationship experience... living situations... or whatever else.  Like trying to drive a car down a rutted road, no matter how many times you back up and try it again, you still end up in the ruts in the end.  Our relationship was a recipe for disaster... and our love, tragic.  Factoring in who we are as people and our invidual situations, it just doesn't seem to work, despite our efforts... despite the connection that we have... despite our deep love... despite everything else.  Feelings flood, logic goes out the window and we're paralyzed.  Not such a bad place to be, caught in a moment in time, but you can't live there.

I was able to talk with my friend Robin last night, who is literally our biggest fan.  Setting aside my blame and ego, I learned many things about him, me and us.  And while there's nothing that I would want to do more than run down there right now, hold him and never let him go, I realize that I have to do just the opposite.  My holding him only holds him down.  My helping him only holds him back.  We both grow a great deal when we're apart, which is what glaringly tells me that we can't derail each other any more.  Letting him go is the biggest show of love that I can do.  With one text from one to another, it starts a collapse on both sides and we can't do that to each other any more.

Although I am at peace and resolve with this right now, I don't know how many more relationships will be derailed as a result of my connection with him.  I look at his picture and I melt, much less seeing him in person.  Currently, he is doing very well.  It saddens me that I will never get to see that.  It saddens me that I will never get to really know him.  And while I know that I have to find a way to move forward, I will forever be back there.

Blog Envy

I recently convinced my friend Michael to start blogging as a way to work through some issues and get things off his chest.  Reading through some of his first posts, it reminds me of when I first started, some 935 posts ago.  Somewhere along the way, depending on what type of blog you want to have, you go from choosing your topics to write about to them choosing you.  I've gone through periods where I felt it was getting stale or I've tried new features that maybe didn't feel right, and I'm kind of left with the current format of topics choosing me from my daily life and me bitching about it, however still therapeutic... so I guess it's working, although it may not be as chipper and entertaining as, say, Perez Hilton's blog.  Making progress in your life doesn't always have to be exciting or come across like fireworks... it can be as simple as a calm realization. 

Sometimes, I'm sure it comes across like a soap opera you tune into;  you silently watch as the characters, without your influence, do the exact opposite of what you'd do.  Maybe you still loyally watch... maybe you get up during that scene and make a sandwich... maybe you take a pee... or maybe you tune into The Price is Right instead.  You follow the shows you watch or the books you read because you either relate somehow, it takes you somewhere that you wouldn't have gone otherwise, or it makes you feel better about your life.  As the programmer, all I can hope for is that I have been able to share, inspire or make you laugh.

Friends AND Family

This weekend is 'friends and family' weekend at gay camp and with Anna Marie and John going down, I decided to head down as well.  They only have two of them, one in the Spring and one in the Fall.  With it being sunny and in the 50's, that helps to make it bearable this time of year down there, especially with the higher elevation... the cold goes right through you.  They, along with Matthew, were staying with our friend George in his trailer.  Four people, two of them with permanent outside voices and no water... and I rented a small cabin next door to them.  As I get older, I find that I really need my time alone, which is why I would rather stay at a hotel than stay with friends while traveling. 

Lately, with working through some problems (mostly the mess that my Dad makes), it seems like they just keep coming.  After getting my Dad's funeral arranged and then getting two of my nephew's student loans bought down (he owed $31k and we settled both for under $10k) and sending those checks out and getting his promisory note set up, a situation with my brother emerged, even with him in rehab currently.  Two weeks ago, when I was down at camp, my brother and his friend brought a check to my Dad because they wanted him to cash it.  So they deposited it into the ATM and then tried to withdraw the money, but I only keep $40 in his account where he has access.  A few days later, when the check cleared and the money was in there, he gave them the rest of the money ($175 total).  Yesterday, I looked at his account and there was a negative, since the check actually, after 10 days, was returned.  After flipping out on my Dad for doing it to begin with, then reiterating that I told him that it would bounce, I went to the bank and got a copy of it and I'm in the process of tracking the friend down.  The check was one of those Discover Card balance transfer checks in his sister's name, so I don't know if he stole them from him or what the situation really is.  What happens is my brother brings these checks to my Dad and gets him to cash them and then takes a part of it as a fee for cashing it and, ultimately, screwing my Dad over.  My brother was supposed to call my Dad last night and I told him to tell my brother that if he didn't get that money back to my Dad by Monday, that I would prosecute them both.