Happy Trails; Inny or Outy??

The holiday season is upon us and besides everything tasting like pumpkin spice or candy cane, it's a time for get-togethers and gatherings and all the hustle and bustle that the holidays have to offer.  Fun, right?  Who doesn't like to put on a new outfit, be in the spotlight, catch up with friends and family talking about everything under the sun... being out and about socializing and going to events and dinners and clubs and parties and visiting and shopping and cooking and the music and noise and ??  Who doesn't like all that??... introverts.  And like myself, they hate this time of year and look at it with utter dread and anxiety.  If you're excited about all of that stuff that I mentioned... chances are, you are an extrovert (or 'outgoing', as it's more simply referred to).  So, are you an inny or an outy?  And before you check your abs for the answer... your schedule is more of a tell-tale sign of which you are.

Outies (extroverts) are seen as the life of the party.  They love the limelight and being out amongst people and don't do so well when they are by themselves, often immediately reaching for their phones to communicate with someone because they are easily bored and afraid to be alone.  They do well in public speaking and political positions but their need to be talking on the center stage gets them into trouble when they don't think beforehand.  They seek out exciting things to do and are more apt to be on a sports team or out socializing in a bar.  They feed off their constant need for attention and interaction and small-talk and tend to suck the energy right out of someone as their fuel and using it for the 'show'.

Innies (introverts) are the exact opposite and are most times misunderstood as shy, stuck-up or boring.  Shyness has to do with fear of social judgment, whereas introversion has more to do with how one responds to their environment.   A situation that overstimulates the central nervous system (like a sporting event, for example)... which would excite or engage an extrovert, exhausts and overwhelms the introvert.

Introverts are most 'alive' and 'switched on' when they are by themselves and are ok with being alone and, in fact, crave it.  They would much prefer being with one or two close friends pondering life's questions or something philosophical than being amongst a crowd talking idle chit-chat.  They withdraw in crowds since a noisy bunch of people drains them of their physical energy and makes them feel more isolated than engaged. They get distracted often, but are bored rarely due to increased sensitivity to their surroundings, their attention span is easily pulled in another direction. They are drawn to detail-oriented, creative an solitary careers.  They dive into tasks one at a time and take their time making decisions or solving problems, so professions that give them the mental stimulation without the stimulating environment is best, for example... as a writer.  When in a crowd, there's always an exit strategy.  Feeling physically uncomfortable, they tend to stay near the exit, near the back or in an aisle seat, avoiding being surrounded by people on all sides.  They'd rather drive themselves so they can come and go as they please. They physically cannot stand to be on the phone since it's a distraction and full of small-talk. They literally shut down when it's time to be alone.  Solitude is valued as a way to take time to regroup and refuel.  In the cup half-empty/full scenario, energy is taken from the introverts cup with interaction, whereas it is constantly refilled from an opportunity for interaction with an extrovert.  They are intense and don't know how to 'lighten up' or 'dial it back a notch'.  If we're in a conversation, it's most likely about politics, religion, money or relationship stuff... all social no-nos.  That's where we thrive.

I really respect, applaud and envy the extrovert, but for me, just having someone ask me to an event starts an anxiety attack avalanche and I get tired even starting to think about it.  Trying to get out of it.... wondering who will be there, making sure I drive myself so I have a way out, trying to make it through the idle talk about nothing important and having to be 'on', with my spirits up, having to get dressed and battle crowds, meeting new people, thinking about what excuse I'll give to leave before I even get there and how I will sneak out without having to say goodbye to everyone... it's all so exhausting that it truly hurts emotionally and physically and is why I stay home instead.  I can't describe it any easier than that I am in constant pain the whole time.  As a bartender, I loved having the physical structure of the bar as a barrier... and building decks and landscaping lets me be outside by myself.  And the older I get, the more alone I like to be and seek out solitary things to do...  hiking in the desert... kayaking in the middle of a lake... taking a drive in the country... all things that energize me and cuts people off from me.  If I do have to be amongst people... I like to be on the sidelines where I can just watch and listen and process but not have to interact.  I don't go to a bar to talk to people.... I go to observe.  I want to be as close to the action without being in it.  Or meeting with a friend or two and have an in-depth conversation for 5 hours over coffee.  That's my stimulation.

Two of my relationships were with Italians, so the holidays were always chaotic and loud, so I would always drive separately because I could only take so much.  My best friend always includes me in their family gatherings around the holidays, which I really appreciate, but just the mention of it starts the process.  They are the people closest to me and yet I feel so isolated when I'm there (having nothing to do with them specifically), even more than when I am by myself.  And talking about Christmas plans before I even get through Thanksgiving is excruciating.  I think my head will explode.  One social interaction at a time.  As a child, I used to open my gifts up in my room rather than in front of people and spent a lot of time in my room with my things.  Several days before dinner now and all I can think of is how nice it will be to back home in my own controlled surroundings with my things.  Home sweet home means more and more to me as I get older.

Make Me a Match

I'm old.  Soon, I will make jam, get 13 cats and shop for a nice rocking chair to sit in to watch Murder She Wrote reruns (that Jessica Fletcher is such a nice girl).  It's what us old ladies do.  And it's my duty to become everyone's Yenta, nebbing in their business, always bringing a covered dish and doing plenty of matchmaking.  For me, love is over.  I had my shot.  I've had some dead-on-balls hits and some that didn't score as many points... and I've also had my fair share of target-adjacent near misses that fell flat on the floor.  I'm ok with this.  I am alone but not lonely.  I am never bored.  I pursue the things that interest me and leave myself open to new things, even though I am set in my ways.  I have little need for people in my life beyond my friends and my DVR is already loaded with the progrums I like to watch...  this old bird ain't sharing the remote.  Being by myself makes sense to me at this point of my life.  I am happy.

But for the young, love is always in the air.  There are websites and apps and meet-up groups and a host of other places to meet people.  For straight people, it's simple... every 5 feet is a potential 'where we first met' site.  If you are straight and you haven't found your mate on the way into Target from your car in the parking lot, there's something wrong with you (although Target is a hot-bed of potential with the gays swarming there).  For a gay, it's not so simple as the numbers are against us. And it's much harder to find a decent one.  When you meet them, you don't see their faults until you are in too deep.  You don't see how shady your new flame is because you don't want to... because you want it to work so badly after trying for the last 201+ times.  You ignore all the red flags.  You jump in head first.  With all your raging hormones going full speed ahead, before you know it, all their crazy seeps out... and your new flame... goes up in flames.  Love is blind, after all.  And there is that thing that you do... going after the bad boys.  You know it won't end well, but it doesn't stop you and you're still surprised when you get burned.

We all come across people in our lives that, 'on paper', you should fall madly in love.  They are the good guys, but the problem is you don't have that spark.  And you can't force it.  It just has to happen.  It's funny, too, with our friends... that more match-making doesn't go on.  I don't know if it's because people are afraid to get involved and have it blow up in their faces or come back on them... or they don't want to see you happy... or why... but rarely does someone come to you saying "boy, do I have a great guy for you".  They think you are a wonderful person and feel the same about their friend, but it just doesn't click to bring the two people together. 

Recently, I brought two very dear friends of mine together and I am happy to say that it seems to be going well.  A push here and a nudge there, and they seem to be off to a good start.  Two of the best guys I know... they deserve happiness. 

I don't need a lot at this point... an Andy Griffith marathon on AMC... a nice piece of butter-rum hard-tack candy... some underwears that don't ride up... regularity, maybe...  but the thing that I want most in life is for my friends to be happy.  It brings me great joy... and I hope that, with this match, their spark turns into a flame... and doesn't go up in one.  Now (from the Yenta initiation gift catalog), whether to pick the toaster, the tin of popcorn... or the set of lace doilies?  Better go with the toaster... the cats will shred the doilies and the popcorn will get stuck in my dentures.

Seasons in the Sun

The cycle of a tree is much like that of our lives.  From it's birth and blooming in Spring, to it's green growth period in Summer, to it's mature colorful blossoms of Fall before it's dying in Winter, trees have many of the same characteristics as we do as people, and could describe the cyclical nature of relationships or friendships as well.

It's amazing to take a drive and be at some scenic overlook high above and look down on a forest of greenery in the Summer, but it's Fall when you really notice the different kinds of trees standing beside one another, each bringing their own different shapes and sizes of leaves, their vibrant color, height and the many other characteristics that makes them unique.

Conversely, people share many of the same characteristics as trees, plants and flowers...  maybe they...

- stand tall and proud, like a Sequoia
- are mighty, like a Red Wood
- are strong, like an Oak
- bend/go with the flow, like a Reed
- need much attention, like a Bonsai
- weep, like a Willow
- are dense, like Bamboo
- bloom, like a Rose
- are constant, like an Evergreen
- are shady, like a Maple
- bear fruit, like an Apple
- are flaky, like a Birch
- need a partner, like a Dogwood
- are solitary, like the Lone Pine
- are sweet, like the Sugar Maple

One of my favorite books is the Giving Tree.  It's about a boy and his favorite tree and their relationship over the life of the boy.  The tree would do anything for the boy (much like a mother would) and, over time, gives the boy fruit to eat and sell, a branch to swing on and build a house, shade from the sun and it's trunk to build a boat.  In the end, when the boy is an old man, he goes to the tree, which is now just a stump and, having nothing left to give the boy, gives him a place to sit down and rest.  The tree gave everything it had.

Depending on from whose perspective you look, it's a story of the ultimate unconditional love, albeit perhaps not a fair one and one-sided.  The boy asks too much of the tree but the tree gives and gives because it makes it happy when the boy is happy.  At it's most outward appearance, it makes the boy look selfish, taking everything from the tree, but if you look deeper, you realize that making the boy happy is all the tree wanted.  Sometimes, things have different values to different people.  Planting trees under which you don't expect to sit... the key to life... is putting forth effort into something because you want to... not because you expect some reward... which, in turn, becomes your reward. 

Winter can be depressing with no leaves on the trees and less sun, with the days shorter and darker.  Maybe it's at the darkest time in your life that you need the people around you and instead of being there for you, they leave you.  People come in an out of your life like the seasons.  Some come and go, but it's the strongest of friendships that are deeply-rooted.  Like a tree, they stand by you, provide support and comfort and grow along with you.  The cycle doesn't end in a true friendship... there's always a next year, each being a ring in the story.

A Rosary By Any Other Name

Relationships of any kind are a lot of work, but anything worth having takes effort and sacrifice, otherwise it has no value if it is obtained so easily.  Through determination, persistence and hard work, anything can be achieved, but one key ingredient in life that is so easily forgotten, especially in dealing with others, is compassion, for until he extends his circle of compassion towards all human things, man himself will find no peace.  It's a necessity, not a luxury, and mankind cannot survive without it.  This completely encompasses my relationship with my best friend, Robin.  To say that it's been a complicated road is putting it lightly.  Sometimes she is like a friend, sometimes a sister I never had... and sometimes a mother, but we've never been able to pin it down.  A devout Christian and Republican, it goes against all I hold 'sacred'.  I think it is Shakespeare's most famous tragedy (Romeo and Juliet) of angst in the coupling of two people unlikely to form a bond that best represents the situation, but a famous line in the play best describes it;  "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"... meaning that it doesn't matter what we call it or try to label it, it is genuine and true and will outlast.  And like the rose itself, symbolizing beauty and gratitude, it's thorns remind us that there could be pain in sharp disagreements and, spiritually, it represents a sacrifice; a loss of something you give up for the sake of a greater cause... in this case, working through our differences for the sake of our friendship.

One of the best things about our friendship is that, despite those differences, we are able to grow both individually and together.  We've been able to expose each other to things we've never experienced before to expand our horizons and be better people.  One of the hardest things for me to overcome is our different views on our beliefs in religion.  An Atheist, it has been difficult for me to support my friend in something that she believes in so strongly, that my disbelief in is two-fold.  I am hardwired for anger and frustration since viewing a lifetime of the Church's non-acceptance, if not hatred, for gays and, being a logical person, I need proof, of which there isn't any, to believe.  The idea of 'faith' isn't one that I can wrap my head around because I need to see it.  Show me, don't tell me, has always been my mantra, and the majority of time, all I see is hypocrisy in the whole religious process.  But during the processing of our friendship, I have been able to put some things into perspective and realize that we all want and practice the same thing. Every major religion, as well as the way any human being should conduct themselves, is anchored in love, compassion and forgiveness.  It all comes down to if you want to open your heart and mind to these practices and how devoted you are to the cause.  It's how much you walk the walk and talk the talk.

Symbolism is all around us in all cultures.  Recently, Robin gave me a tied bunch of sage that I was to light and walk around my house to cleanse and purify the air of negativity and bad spirits, as practiced by the Native Americans.  In the Catholic religion, the burning of incense is a sign of reverence and dedication.  Praying the rosary symbolizes your act of devotion, practice and structure, as you make time every day to keep what you believe and are dedicated to in-hand, literally, thumbing your way through the chain of beads, reciting your prayers and keeping those things and people important to you present in your day.  Again, anything worth having takes effort.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was going to hand-make her a rosary for her birthday.  Like so many times in the past when sorting through my ideals regarding religion, I had to process what exactly this meant.  I mean, it's kind of odd that an Atheist would make a religious symbol for someone and I wanted it to be something more special than just a bunch of pretty beads which, at first, was all it was to me, being a gay who likes sparkly things. So after I did some research into the meaning of the rosary, I took into consideration what she wanted and her personality and mine (I added a bit of fabulous and bling to it) and, with the help of my friend, Vernon (who taught me the jewelry techniques and helped me pick out the beads), I started banging it out.  I chose a simple cross and beads that matched the Our Lady of Lourdes (her parish) medallion that connected it.  About 12 hours later, with fingers raw from twisting the wire around the beads, a technique that makes it stronger so it doesn't fall apart, it was finished and I presented it to her (shown in the picture wrapped around a bundle of sage (cleansing of my negativity)).

After the fact, I learned that the cross that I chose wasn't of a Catholic manner but, rather, more Protestant (her former religion before converting to Catholicism).  Inadvertently,  my choosing brought her journey in religion together in one symbol, linked with my beliefs (or non, as the case may be) as the person who crafted it, in one big, accidental ecumenical offering (an interdenominational initiative aimed at establishing and promoting unity among churches and religions). This was the dual meaning that I was hoping to be able to put into the whole gesture, escalating it from a bunch of beads made by an Atheist to a symbol of unity of ideals, remembering that we all want the same things. A rosary by any other name smells as sweet.

A bit of her, a bit of me... some compassion, sacrifice, belief, tradition, meaning, dedication and a splash of fabulous and her birthday gift was made... as well as our friendship over time... from the same ingredients.  Both gifts to cherish, always.

This Year's Scariest Disguise

Tis the season for everything spooky and frightening (and equally as scary, everything coming in pumpkin spice flavor).  Halloween has roots in several stories of folklore.  Some say All Hallows' Eve is a Christianized feast initially influenced by Celtic harvest festivals, with possible pagan roots, particularly the Gaelic Samhain.  It initiates the triduum of Hallowtide, which is the time in the liturgical year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers. It marked the end of the harvest season and the beginning of the 'darker' season of Winter. 

For the many countries observing it, October 31st is celebrated in various different ways and the customs can be traced back to their origins.  It was believed that during this time of year, the presence of fairies and spirits were stronger and they needed to be appeased (to ensure that the people and their livestock would endure the winter), so there were offerings of nuts and apples and bonfires and candles were lit and prayers were said for the souls of the dead to welcome them.  The flame, smoke and ashes are believed to have magical powers of cleansing or mimicked the sun,  helping the "powers of growth" and holding back the decay and darkness of winter. 

In one folklore, ,trick-or-treating, goes back to the 16th century as mumming (or guising) (seasonal folk plays performed by troupes of actors going door-to-door, usually in disguise, reciting plays and songs for food).  In others, it may have come from Gaelic origins with the costumes being a means of imitating, or disguising oneself from the spirits, faces blackened with the ashes from the sacred bonfire, on a night with strong forces of the supernatural among us, believed to be warded off by human wanderers.  Christians date it back to the 15th century with souling (the custom of baking soul cakes for the souls of the dead).  Poor children would go door-to-door collecting these cakes as a means of praying for souls in purgatory.  The souls of the dead were believed to wander the earth seeking vengeance upon their enemies before moving on to the next world until All Saint's Day, so people donned costumes to disguise their identities.

Lighted turnips were traditionally carried by the guisers for lighting their way and to ward off evil spirits.  In North America, turnips were replaced with pumpkins because they were larger and softer to carve.  The jack-o-lantern is explained in this story;

On route home after a night's drinking, Jack encounters the Devil and tricks him into climbing a tree. A quick-thinking Jack etches the sign of the cross into the bark, thus trapping the Devil. Jack strikes a bargain that Satan can never claim his soul. After a life of sin, drink, and mendacity, Jack is refused entry to heaven when he dies. Keeping his promise, the Devil refuses to let Jack into hell and throws a live coal straight from the fires of hell at him. It was a cold night, so Jack places the coal in a hollowed out turnip to stop it from going out, since which time Jack and his lantern have been roaming looking for a place to rest.

In America, trick-or-treating is first seen in the early 1900's, with children dressing up in costumes, going door-to-door, threatening a trick if they don't get a treat.  Over the years, the 'trick' has taken on many forms from a simple toilet-papering (throwing unraveling rolls of toilet paper in trees) to egging (throwing eggs) someone's house to the infamous turd-bagging (filling a paper bag with dog shit and placing it on someone's front porch, then lighting it on fire and ringing the doorbell, so that the homeowner opens the door and has to put out the flaming bag by stomping it with their shoe, thus getting dog shit all over the place).  Other triggers for the dreaded trick would be handing out toothbrushes or apples as treats... or shutting off all your lights and sitting in the dark so as to not have to give out candy... and, in Pittsburgh (home of the Clark Bar), getting the 75th Clark Bar in a row as a treat was sure to frustrate and anger you, since they were so plentiful.  More favorable were the people handing out fifty cent pieces which, considering today's candy prices, really isn't a good deal any more.  But back then, you would travel across town to go to that house, as if it were almost an urban legend. 

The small plastic pumpkin (as a means to put your candy in) was replaced with the decorated pillowcase.  It proved to be much more sturdy, easier to carry and provided more cubic feet to collect your mother-load of goodies, even though (back then) it only came in standard size,  in comparison to today's king... and more highly-coveted, the European king. With the advent of the planned housing community, you were able to cover more ground-per-square-Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, minimizing your travel time in-between houses and maximizing your bounty... but it did increase your having to explain your costume to every old woman who tried to guess who you were before you could pry that chewy Bit-'O-Honey from her dry, cold hand.  At the end of the night, after running what seemed to have been a marathon, you would pour your pillowcase out on the kitchen table and let your Mom check it for razor blades (see 1980's Halloween pandemonium) before you could proceed with your pathway to childhood obesity and diabetes.

Today, after years of stories of the razor blades and child abductions, most of the fun of Halloween is gone.  Barely anyone makes their own costumes any more... and most communities hold their official trick-or-treating in the daylight of the closest Saturday (not even on the 31st)... or, worse, don't allow door-to-door and have replaced it with parades or a gathering at the local fire hall. 

Thanks to the 24/7 news cycle propaganda machine, people are always in a constant state of fear.  The latest scare is Ebola.  For that, there is much terror and fear, upstaging even the most scariest witch and goblin. Considering that more Kim Kardashian marriages have died than Americans from Ebola, I think we need to put things into perspective.  In a one-week period, the chart shows deaths by top contributor.  Here's a scenario you should be more worried about... you are out trick-or-treating after fighting off the flu for 6 days even though you should be in bed... you are finishing off that Big Mac you call 'supper' then you have a cigarette before you get 'serious' about gathering up all that candy to stuff into your face... you jump out of the way of a crazy driver, grasp a pain you are having in your chest (most likely from that Big Mac) and you fall to the ground, hit your head on the curb and die.  All, or any, of those are a more-likely cause of death than Ebola.  If you are seeing the Grim Reaper, guess what... it's not a costume.  You are dead.  But at least it's from one of the leading causes and not from some hyped-up ratings stunt aimed at keeping everyone in fear of everything.  This year's most scariest disguise?  The frightened American.

It's simple... wash your hands, don't lick any saliva puddles you find and don't share your Clark Bar (as if you can find a likely participant for that) and you'll be fine.  Happy Halloween!

Trick or Treat: Getting Your Own Bag of Goodies

Over your lifetime, you evolve;  your body changes... your personality blooms... your talents blossom... your morals and ideals form... you develop a wider variety of interests... your priorities and goals change... and what made you awesome as a kid doesn't necessarily translate to your life as an adult.  I suppose doing a cart-wheel at 60 like you did when you were 9 is a pretty amazing feat, but sitting in the basement being able to get to level 19 on a video game at 42 when you have people relying on you and have responsibilities isn't as cool.  You have to let go of the ways you thought as a child and change with the times and the changing world or you get left behind.  And the necessary parts of this process are being able to reflect on the past, look deeply at yourself and your behaviors, accept responsibility for your actions and, most importantly, do the work to make the changes so that you can grow. The sooner the better.  If you don't act, while everyone around you is evolving into a beautiful butterfly flying above, you will still be the caterpillar inching your way along the ground wondering where everyone went.

When I was younger, I was the Teflon kid... nothing stuck to me and I was always blaming someone else.  When I got into my teens and early twenties and got into relationships, it was always the other person's fault when it went sour, not mine... I was, after all, me.  It wasn't until I got into my mid-to-late thirties that I stopped and thought... hmmm... there's a pattern here... what's the one and only constant?  It was me.  And after some therapy sessions, I started blogging about all my quirks and idiosyncrasies and behaviors, and I was able to trace them back to their origins and figure out how to change them because, while I did hurt other people along the way, they were going to hurt me and always effect my life until I fixed them.  And by no means am I perfect, but I can say that I've done a good deal of the work.  Every day is a new opportunity to learn  about who I really am... with every thought in my head... to every action or reaction... to my beliefs and ideals...  to my likes and dislikes... it's all a journey to leave the bad behaviors of the past... in the past and become a better person.

I wish there was someone along the way who would have explained this to me and told me I was being a block-head, since I feel like I lost a lot throughout the years now looking back.  Maybe I lost a beautiful person I loved... or an opportunity or maybe it was a friend.  And at some point, the people around you have to just throw their hands up in the air and give up on you.  They talk to you until they are blue in the face but they can't help you unless you see the problem and want to help yourself.  If you aren't willing to change, then you have to accept the consequences...you will have no friends and you will be alone... because no one will be able to put up with your bullshit. 

On social media, you see so many people that are on a collision course with stark reality. When I was dating more of the twenty-somethings crowd, I felt compelled to help them avoid what I went through but they didn't want to hear it, just like I didn't at that age.  I have friends who want love so badly but don't love themselves enough to be capable enough to love someone else.... and I have friends who continue to push people away and they never want to accept that it's them, regardless of the cycle they are on, year after year. 

I guess someday... we all have to be sitting in the cold, damp pumpkin patch by ourselves and come to the conclusion on our own that if we don't pick ourselves up and get out of there, we are missing out on all the treats, and we are only tricking ourselves.  

All Souls That Wonder Are Not Lost

I've moved 40 times in my life.  I am on my 7th career path change.  I have no long or short-term goals.  I've reinvented myself so many times like a chameleon that I don't even know what color I currently am.  I am always in a constant state of unrest.  Nothing is ever written in pen.  I have a floating schedule and my life is fairly liquid in that I can change and adapt to any situation at a moment's notice and take off... there's always an exit plan.  My mind never stops.  I'm always guilting myself for not doing more when I finally do stop for five minutes.  It's a constant fight with myself between who I am and what I want.  In true Gemini twin fashion, there's always two sides to my inner conversations.  It's exhausting.  I often wonder 'what if I...', whether it's something in the future that I should do or something in the past that I should have done. Wondering... always wondering... and wandering, in both mind and body.

It used to be fun and exciting... all the whirlwind and wanderlust... but not so much now.  As I get older, I have traded the quest for excitement and adventure for the quest for security and stability, but often question what security even is or means.  To some, it's money... to some a support system of people around you... it varies.  It means different things to different people.

To some, I may seem a hopeless, insecure, tormented soul.  Maybe I am, but fortunately, I have an incredible sense of center.  Not to be confused with being self-centered, I am centered in myself.  I believe in myself... in my judgments and decisions and my abilities.  Security in insecurity is a phrase I coined and have written about in the past.  It's the ability to be secure that whatever comes my way... whatever happens to me... whatever strife, hardship or challenge, that I can overcome it.  I am a realist.  I don't hope for things to go right, I prepare for them to go wrong and I am ready to deal with the fallout.  It doesn't hold me back.  I may not always succeed but it isn't because I didn't take the chance to risk it all.  I am generally in control of my plight.  Right or wrong, I am making the decisions.

You can't help but compare yourself to others and what they've accomplished or have.  But so many people that seemed to have it all/felt secure were so hard-hit by the recession... perhaps they had too much debt or a big house that they couldn't support when they unexpectedly lost their job, living well above their means, maybe.  Or maybe they were pushed out of their industry and didn't have any other marketable skills.  They weren't prepared for the worse to happen and they couldn't adapt.

In earthquake zones, they are experimenting with buildings that are built on a moving foundation, so that when the earth shakes, the building slides or adapts, rather than topples over in the traditional attachment... being 'knocked off it's feet', so to speak.  In these troubled times, our survival in the future depends on not only how we will be able to adapt and react to the changes around us, but how well.  Will you be able to adapt... or will your house of cards topple down? 

Suddenly, I'm not feeling so lost... in comparison.  Perhaps the new 'solid ground' is a flexible one, and that's where I am squarely standing.

The Button's Plight

 

Like any of my 'poems', this one is no different... there's a hidden comparison

 



I'll Have What She's Having

There's nothing that derails your life, plans, goals, etc. quite like love.  In it's pursuit, we are very likely to throw caution to the wind and be ready to risk it all.  We will cheat, lie and even kill in the name of love.  Most times, it's on someone that we know from the get-go isn't going to cut it.  'Don't do it, don't do it' we say to ourselves, and yet we do... every single time.  'I'll never get myself into that situation again' we say, and (wait for it...) we do.  Love is the 'stupid' drug, making us do all kinds of things that are so out of character.  It casts a spell over us and teases us into thinking if we had it, everything would be so much better.  It would all fall into place, we think.  Most times, things get more crazy in your life when you have it and it's human nature to want what you don't have.  As soon as you're in a relationship, you wish you were single, and vice-versa.

As much as we hate to admit it, Jennifer Lopez plays romantic angst really well.  She's done several movies that didn't exactly kill at the box office but still are great to watch several (hundreds of) times, especially on a rainy Sunday afternoon when it's just you and your dog snuggled up on the chaise lounge with a box of Fiddle-Faddle and a cup of tea.  We all know the story... boy meets girl in the least likely place, girl is hesitant because she's been burned before, boy says stuff and makes gestures to show he's legit, girl gives in to date, major shit is revealed about the boy, girl runs away from him (cut to Fall montages of her making cookies and scenes of her looking wantingly off into the distance while she can't stop thinking about the boy), she runs into him by accident and they go on a date and get married the next day.  Ok, maybe that only happened to me (ten too many times), but it is the plot for many a romantic movie.  When the credits roll... and you wipe that tear you fought to hold back, you realize that you are by yourself, there's caramel on your comforter and your dog has been dry-humping your leg and you didn't even notice.

We're always looking for love... and Mr. Right, even when we already have a (last week's) Mr. Right. We're always in hot pursuit... or should I say in the pursuit of hot.  Even when we were little, we were exposed to it with the fairy tales and Disney movies and even with my Barbie and Ken dolls.  To drive off into the sunset in your pink convertible with your perfect guy was my every little girl's dream.

I always have to laugh at straight people when they complain about being alone.  There are so many avenues for finding a mate when you're straight. You can't go 10 feet without running into a straight guy or girl... meanwhile, as a gay, we only have 10% of the dating pool, and it's mostly the shallow end.  Subtract out the one's already in a 'relationship' (I almost spit out my coffee) and it's even a more narrow search.  This isn't even taking mutual attraction into consideration.  It's frustrating going about your day and seeing a guy you are attracted to and realize they are straight.  It's like being rejected twice... and the first reason is their no-wiener policy.  Even other straight guys are your competition.  What's with all this touching and stuff that goes on in these bromances? It doesn't help that straight guys and hipsters are gayer than gay guys these days.  No wonder my gaydar doesn't work any more.

I don't want to admit to myself that I have probably given up on love.  I go on dates thinking this may be the one... I have an app on my phone thinking that I'm going to get a message from the one decent guy on there... I go out thinking someone nice will approach me... I guess there's still a part of me that thinks I'll be in the Piggly Wiggly produce department and I'll reach for the same melon that the guy of my dreams is reaching for and our eyes will meet and it will be kismet.  That if I had love, everything would be better and it would all fall into place (oh wait... where have I heard this before?)  Maybe my first mistake is believing that... or maybe my mistake is reaching for melons when I should be reaching for fresh nuts?

I Can't Get No... Satisfaction

"In my day...", she would start her sentence... and I knew that I was in for one of my Mom's recollections of a bygone era when things were simpler and people worked together towards the common goal and for the greater good... and respected each other... blah, blah, blah.  I remember rolling my eyes and thinking "ugh, spare me".  And now as an adult, I know exactly what she meant, as I find myself longing for my bygone era.  It's funny how the time period that I want to go back to that I recall as simpler, etc... was when I was a kid... and that was such a 'lawless' period of decline in morality for her and her era was much better than mine.  By this logic and pattern of previous times being better than the current, we should be able to trace all the way back to perfect, if there is such a place or time.

She was right, though... people have changed and things have changed.  And not that change isn't good, but it isn't good when it isn't good... and it's not going in a good direction right now.  There's definitely a deterioration in people's attitude towards each other.  "One for all" is more like "all for one", with people mostly interested in what they can get rather than give.  Human interaction is replaced by disconnection in a time when we are the most socially and technologically connected.  Entitlement, greed and disrespect are applauded and accepted as the norm.  It's almost as though people didn't know any better... like they were never taught right from wrong.  When did this happen?  What's to blame?  The internet... dual-income households with a lack of parenting... or maybe just the way that we communicate with each other nowadays? 

Lately, there were several things that have happened in different aspects of my life (career, friendships, relationships, etc.) that all ended up with the same result:  disappointment.  Maybe there's some validity to the logic that you can only disappointment yourself by setting your expectations too high, but how low can you set them before you are no longer true to yourself... that you are disrespecting and devaluing yourself.. or that you have abandoned your morals?  These people make you think you are crazy for expecting them to act like a basic, decent human being when that should be ground zero, not something that you aspire to or, worse, don't even shoot for.  

The sorrow that I feel as a result of letting my guard down and trusting or relying on someone only to be constantly disappointed time after time  is crippling.  It's a cumulative effect... like a snowball rolling downhill.  You just get to a point where you shield yourself from social interaction... from trying... from involvement or even leaving the house.  I find myself blocking myself from anything that can let me down, including my Facebook feed, the news or any other source.  For me, it's to the point that I am avoiding everyone and everything.  I just can't take it any more.

I'm not looking for perfection, in fact, my expectations and standards are so low and accepting, that I think that when I get disappointed, I already expected it and I am left disappointed in myself for lowering myself to that level and setting myself up knowingly.

If I lower my expectations any further, I will be down on the ground, and since I'm already getting screwed, I might as well lie back and throw my legs up and enjoy it... that's other's expectation of me, it seems.

Tap, Tap.... Is This Thing On?

I started blogging January 31st of 2009.  I'm not sure how I even got started at this point, but it's been a wonderfully social, cathartic and therapeutic ride for me in so many ways.  I have met so many wonderful people over the last 5 years that I am still friends with and have met, even through periods when I didn't write so much for one reason or another.  Sometimes I got tired of talking or wasn't able to form thoughts and words with events going on in my life and in the world.  At one point, I took my blog down altogether and lost a lot of readers, but it's never really been about that for me.  Writing has been a way to get stuff out of my head, to vent and to work through my issues.  Back in the day of paper and pen, if I was mad at someone, if I wrote my thoughts down on paper, most times I wouldn't even send it because it was a way for me to see myself think and keep myself in check and dispel anger, so there really wasn't any need to actually mail it.  Writing a blog has been the same relief for me, and I'm thankful that I have it as a virtual microphone.

Throughout this journey, it always amazed me that people even read my blog.  I mean, it's not like I was writing a food or hobby blog or one with any specific goal.  Instead, I wrote about things like being adopted, being gay, my periods of depression, the many places I've lived or traveled to and growing up in western Pennsylvania.  I wrote about dealing with an addict sibling, loss of a parent and being a caretaker for my elderly father.  I wrote about my landscaping business and growing up a 70's-80's child, about my religious and political views and anything (and everything) else where I could assert my opinion.  And through the process, it was always an interesting concept for me that there were strangers 3000 miles away that probably knew more about me through my writing than my closest, local friends... and that strangers that I never met would invest time in what I had to say, most times more than people in my immediate life.  Along the way, I have been able to touch people through my experiences and, hopefully, help someone through theirs in my sharing.

When I started the blog, I had so much to say, working through 40 years of baggage.  I would see something on the internet or in my travels and it would remind me of some experience or opinion I had and I would write about it, practically every day back then.  I have a folder where I collect pictures and things for inspiration and a reminder.  I never had any formal writing instruction and hardly consider myself an expert of any kind, but somehow I seem to be able to get an idea out, tie it to some corresponding pictures and a snappy title and it comes together in the end.  It's pretty much the same thing with my 'poems'.  Again, I am fortunate to have this outlet to express myself. 

Over the last six months or so, I have been writing a column for the West Virginia Queer News... an online gay magazine.  They have been gracious enough to let me ramble on about anything I want, which is especially gracious considering that my writing style can be sarcastic, blunt and not so politically/socially correct, sometimes writing from depression or anger, but always from a pointed opinion.  As a Gemini though, I tend to see things in many ways which allows me to empathize with all points of view while still getting my opinion out, keeping myself in check and trying to be fair.  The magazine is going national at some point in the future, so I am proud to be a part of it's ongoing success.

Razing Arizona

Just when we think we're making some progress in this country with our 'gay agenda', this crawls out from under a desert rock like a scorpion to sting you in the ass.  Last week, The Arizona House voted 33-27 to give its approval to a bill (already approved by it's Senate) that would allow businesses to refuse service to gays (among others) based on their religious beliefs.  The bill is sitting on Governor Jan Brewer's desk to be signed or vetoed by week's end. 

According to the bill, it would allow businesses sued in a civil case to claim they have a legal right to not provide service to an individual or group because it would “substantially burden’’ their freedom of religion.  Supporters claim that this bill is not targeted at gays and it's not about discrimination, it's about preventing discrimination against people who are clearly 'living out their faith'.  Wait... what?  So, it's not about them discriminating against everyone else... it's about everyone else attacking them?  Opponents say this bill may also open the door to discriminate based on race, familial status, religion, sex, national origin, age or disability, as well, and that it permits discrimination under the guise of religious freedom.  Similar religious protection legislation has been introduced in Ohio, Mississippi, Idaho, South Dakota, Tennessee and Oklahoma, but Arizona’s plan is the only one that has passed so far.  And, oddly, even the businesspeople of Arizona don't want this bill passed because they don't want to be involved in lawsuits and see loss of business.  The tourism board is already seeing people cancel their plans for next years Super Bowl, of which Arizona is hosting, and a company that would have been hiring 1000 local people backed out of moving into the area because of the bill.

Personally, this not only disgusts me, it puzzles me.  Someone please give me an example of how the Christian religious (the ones pushing the bill) are discriminated against throughout their day, let alone in a retail establishment.  First of all, if anyone should be backing this bill, it should be all the other religions in America that Christians discriminate against on a daily basis... the religions that aren't allowed to 'live out their faith' because it's not the Christian way... the ones they belittle and protest and picket at every chance they get.  And how, as a gay man coming in to buy a Big Mac, does that infringe, discriminate against or threaten someone's religion freedom?

The problem with the religious is that they don't even follow the true message of Jesus and just can't be happy that they have found the eternal light and salvation or whatever the hell else they are bribed with or promised for their contribution towards the priest's Lincoln Continental.  Instead, they poke and prod and rile everyone else with their absurdities and antiquated ways of thinking, sticking their noses in everyone else's business, until there can't help be a backlash.  It reminds me of the scenario where, if you rattle a bee's nest and you get stung, you have no one to blame but yourself.  If they feel discriminated against (which is laughable), it's because they have brought it on themselves because everyone is sick of hearing them force their beliefs down everyone else's throats.  This is no different than the controversy that surrounds Christmas... they refuse to acknowledge anyone else's beliefs to the point that others have to get forceful to stand their ground and all of a sudden, there's a war on Christmas.  They are the victims.

I get it, it's a scary world when you have to start thinking for yourself because the 'Church' as you know it is crumbling around you and you realize that the world has changed and you are still in the 1950's.   Newsflash:  This is 2014, some 65 years later... the Bible isn't the law of the land, it's the man-made book that your club uses and not everyone's a member.  Your cult leader didn't write the Constitution and our founding fathers didn't want religion anywhere near our laws.  Membership in your club doesn't give you the right to discriminate any more than did membership in the KKK.  There's no difference.

I travel quite a good deal in the southwest, but will avoid Arizona like the plague in the future if this bill passes.  Between building the mile-high wall to 'protect' the border and now this, one thing is clear... there should be a wall around Arizona not only to protect us, but to protect it from itself.  I would, however, love to be sitting there sipping a coffee when an Atheist/gay/Muslim-owned business denies service to a Christian... that would be the show of shows to watch.  Hypocrisy, showing on the big screen.  There would be no bad seats.  It would be a shot heard around the world.

Let The Sun Shine

Coming from an area like Pittsburgh, we have a wide array of weather situations here along with varying topographical landscapes and foliage, so we are lucky in that way to have variety.  When you're used to sunny and cloudy and snowy and rainy, it's hard to get used to all sun, as I had to do when I lived in Vegas for awhile.  I remember feeling almost claustrophobic, longing for some sort of change in the weather from the normal sunny and 100 degree dry heat.  I used to drive about an hour to Mt. Charleston, and on the half hour ascent up the mountain, you could watch the vegetation change and the temperature drop 40 degrees from where you started on the desert floor.  Pittsburgh, at 59 clear days of sunshine per year, pales in comparison to both Las Vegas and Phoenix at around 210 days, which is why I suppose they just opened the world's largest solar thermal plant 45 miles west of Vegas in the Mojave Desert.

At a cost of $2.2 billion, it utilizes 350,000 mirrors (each about the size of a garage door) to reflect the sun to a 459 foot boiler tower, which makes steam and then turns turbines to create electricity and is transported via electrical lines to some 140,000 homes.  And while coal costs roughly $100 per unit to produce, this type of solar is about 2.5 times that to produce, but has a far less impact on the environment.

The President has made it one of his second term goals to reduce carbon emissions and the government has set aside 17 'solar zones' in 6 southwestern states... Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah and California.  These states were chosen because of the limited environmental impact this technology would have in these areas.  One of the problems they have seen is how it affects the wildlife, from upending turtles to birds being burned to death when they fly near the area, where temperatures can reach 1000 degrees.  Environmentalists are up in arms over this and some are protesting.  While there are going to be downsides to any technology, some might say that the impact is minor compared to some of the other energy industries and their fallout, such as oil spills, carbon emissions from coal and related chemical spills such as the ones in West Virginia recently as well as what natural gas fracking is doing to the water supply.

The industry employs about 140,000 people over 6,100 companies and has shown a 20% increase since 2012.  Solar thermal is different from rooftop solar in that the panels on the roof collect the sun and convert it to energy used for that particular household, rather than just reflecting the sun in this technology.  Germany, said to be the leader in solar energy at this point, undoubtedly utilizes solar power much more than we do, even though we have almost 4000% more sun in the United States.  I'm guessing that they don't have oil and gas lobbyists running their country like we do and Germans aren't as clumsy and selfish when it comes to impacting the earth, turning an ignorant, blind eye to conservation and preservation like we do.

In light of our recent drastic weather conditions and scientific proof (otherwise known as 'facts'), it's clear that global warming ('climate change', for stupid people who don't take the time to read about how it doesn't exactly mean that the weather is getting warmer, but rather, how temperature increases can affect temperatures in other areas via the air streams, etc., including the producing of colder weather) is definitely a concern.  98% of scientists agree.  Technology proves it.  They are facts.  It always kills me to hear Republicans (mostly) calling it a hoax... even if it was a hoax, what would be the benefit of those spreading the hoax?  To make money off new technology?  So is it just that providers of fossil fuel (we'll call them rapists, to be honest) are mad that they won't get to 'rape' us via the prices that they hold us hostage?  That they won't get to suck off the government's subsides teat any more?  And that it's better to kill the planet to line their own pockets?  Some day, the only green we will see will be money, which will have no value next to a bottle of water or a scrap of burned bird jerky.

Cupid's Got a Shotgun and He's Aiming For My Heart

It's that time of year, with Valentine's Day fast approaching... love is in the air (and, completely unrelated, so is the flu).  The roots of Valentine's Day go all the way back to an ancient Roman fertility festival held in mid-February, called Lupercalia.  Later, the Christian Church chose February 14th for St. Valentine's Day to Christianize the celebration (wow, yet another holiday stolen).  While there were several Christian clerics named Valentine, one of them was sentenced to death by stoning and be-heading (they don't tell you that in the greeting cards) for performing marriages in secret after Emperor Claudius II banned marriage for young Romans, thinking that single men would make better soldiers.  Pope Gelasius declared February 14th as the day to celebrate the soft-hearted Valentine in the 5th Century.  It wasn't until the 1300's that the holiday became associated with love and romance and it was thought back then that February 14th began the birds mating season, as well.  The first written Valentines greetings showed up in the 15th century, and by the 17th century, England began the tradition of exchanging cards or letters.  In the 1840's, the first mass-produced holiday cards emerged and it soon exploded into the major industry it is today.

The myth and legend of Cupid, son of Venus, started about 3000 years ago in Greece, except they called him Eros (which is where 'erotic' is derived).  Supposedly, he was so handsome that he could get both Gods and humans under his love spell, shooting them with his gold-tipped arrows (lead-tipped for 'hate').  The bow and arrow signifies how love wounds and inflames the heart.  The Romans were the one that dubbed him 'Cupid' (Latin for 'desire') and artists painted him as a baby angel, and the image stuck, sometimes with a blindfold to show that love is blind, and winged to show that love is flighty and changes swiftly.

More than 62% of Americans celebrate Valentine's Day by giving cards, flowers and gifts.  An estimated 1 billion cards are sent each year, more than on any holiday except Christmas.  Some 35 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolates are sold and 220 million roses produced just for the occasion. In America, an estimated 20 billion dollars are spent, or an average of $130 per person.  And while cards and candy are the most popular gifts, jewelry is also high on the list.

Personally, I don't stress over having someone in my life for Valentine's Day.  Just because you kiss a bunch of frogs doesn't mean you'll find your Prince.  Often times, I do something to treat myself... a splurge, if you will.  Maybe with my favorite dessert (or a slab of bacon) or by grabbing a few movies and running a nice bath in the tub and enjoying a nice evening with some lit candles.  Of course, it's always nice to have someone there to share it with you... to kiss and cuddle up with... but you can't define love only with someone else...  you first have to love yourself and be ok with being by yourself, otherwise, when it's your turn to be shot by Cupid's arrow, you'll not be the best you can be and love will flee.

Chinese New Year Resolution

I've always been one to buck the system and not be a trend follower, sometimes out of spite.  I don't like doing what everyone else is doing, which is probably why I'm hooked on Candy Crush now instead of last year when everyone else was caught up in the craze.  And along the same lines, I didn't want to be a cliché or ironic by running back to the gym January 1st, so I waited... until today (which, ironically is Chinese New Year... so that makes me a trend-setter... the first on my block to set a resolution for the year).

We're not stupid... we know what we should and shouldn't eat... and that we shouldn't smoke and that exercise is good for us, but getting your body to follow suit isn't as easy, even with our magnificent auto-response system... throw a piece of popcorn in the air and try to catch it in your mouth... or plow through a bag of chips while watching a movie and you don't even have to look to get it in your fat face.  But sit there and say to yourself  "OK, fat girl... today is the day we're going to do this... get up"... and the response from your body is dismal at best.

Procrastination is our worse enemy.  Here are some tips to end the cycle...

1.  Be Specific:  Set a precise goal.  Instead of 'I'll do that this weekend'... replace that with 'I'll do that Saturday morning at 9 a.m.
2.  Think Long-Term:  Avoid short-term fixes that make you feel good for a few days, only to be back in the same boat again.
3.  Use Willpower Wisely:  We often fail to start because our get-up-and-go had gotten up and went.  Avoid burnout by tackling the dreaded duties first thing.  Hit the gym in the a.m. instead of waiting until after work when you're sure to be tired.
4.  Curb Cop-Outs:  'I work better under pressure' or 'I'll feel like doing that later' will only result in failure and you'll be prone to make mistakes.
5.  Pinpoint Emotions:  The less we identify our emotions, the more we procrastinate.  By being mindful of our feelings, we can better understand what's making us run away from a task- whether it's fear or frustration or boredom.  Negative emotions don't define us, but they can undermine us.

Today, I made it back to the gym after three months of not going.  I could see the sneer of the girl who checked me in at the front desk, judging me in my sauna pants.  But, with being off from landscaping for three and a half months, I have no excuse.  Further, with my back problems, having a strong core is the only way I'm going to make it through the beginning of my season in mid-March when it's heavy in manual labor.  At 195lbs and 21% fat content, I have some work to do in a short amount of time.  I also went to the store and picked up some healthy foods.  No more pop... no more scrumpets... no more pasta or bread... and no more pleasure.  I'm waiting for the gym high to kick in... any minute now, I hope.

The Cyclical Bloom

With the cold weather that has clamped down on us and Valentine's Day right around the corner, I thought it would be a good time to offer some hope not only with the thought of winter being over, but for young love as well.

This is a poem that I wrote a few years ago.  If you read it as it appears, it's about the cycle of a bud turning into a bloom and it's journey, but if you read between the lines, you can see the comparisons made to a new love cycle...

In paragraph one, it talks about winter (a dry spell in your love life) going from a point of coldness and mistrust (a previous bad relationship), letting go of anger and that dead feeling inside to allow yourself to hope for love again, getting back up on the horse.

In paragraph two, it talks about wanting love so much and just when you least expect it, it appears in the unlikeliest of places.  You say 'hi' to someone and from that small interaction, the possibility of a budding relationship is born.

In paragraph three, it talks about some of the problems that you incur in the fledgling beginning... suffocating each other, periods of dry spells and fights and reoccurrences and other's influence on the relationship.

In paragraph four, it talks about the relationship finally reaching it's full potential, feeling the warmth of the love between you and the magical things that happen... and even with the misunderstandings and fighting and hard times, love pushes through, hopefully for forever, but if only for a short time, enjoy all it's splendor and beauty before it dies out and the cycle repeats again.