Over your lifetime, you evolve; your body changes... your personality blooms... your talents blossom... your morals and ideals form... you develop a wider variety of interests... your priorities and goals change... and what made you awesome as a kid doesn't necessarily translate to your life as an adult. I suppose doing a cart-wheel at 60 like you did when you were 9 is a pretty amazing feat, but sitting in the basement being able to get to level 19 on a video game at 42 when you have people relying on you and have responsibilities isn't as cool. You have to let go of the ways you thought as a child and change with the times and the changing world or you get left behind. And the necessary parts of this process are being able to reflect on the past, look deeply at yourself and your behaviors, accept responsibility for your actions and, most importantly, do the work to make the changes so that you can grow. The sooner the better. If you don't act, while everyone around you is evolving into a beautiful butterfly flying above, you will still be the caterpillar inching your way along the ground wondering where everyone went.
When I was younger, I was the Teflon kid... nothing stuck to me and I was always blaming someone else. When I got into my teens and early twenties and got into relationships, it was always the other person's fault when it went sour, not mine... I was, after all, me. It wasn't until I got into my mid-to-late thirties that I stopped and thought... hmmm... there's a pattern here... what's the one and only constant? It was me. And after some therapy sessions, I started blogging about all my quirks and idiosyncrasies and behaviors, and I was able to trace them back to their origins and figure out how to change them because, while I did hurt other people along the way, they were going to hurt me and always effect my life until I fixed them. And by no means am I perfect, but I can say that I've done a good deal of the work. Every day is a new opportunity to learn about who I really am... with every thought in my head... to every action or reaction... to my beliefs and ideals... to my likes and dislikes... it's all a journey to leave the bad behaviors of the past... in the past and become a better person.
I wish there was someone along the way who would have explained this to me and told me I was being a block-head, since I feel like I lost a lot throughout the years now looking back. Maybe I lost a beautiful person I loved... or an opportunity or maybe it was a friend. And at some point, the people around you have to just throw their hands up in the air and give up on you. They talk to you until they are blue in the face but they can't help you unless you see the problem and want to help yourself. If you aren't willing to change, then you have to accept the consequences...you will have no friends and you will be alone... because no one will be able to put up with your bullshit.
On social media, you see so many people that are on a collision course with stark reality. When I was dating more of the twenty-somethings crowd, I felt compelled to help them avoid what I went through but they didn't want to hear it, just like I didn't at that age. I have friends who want love so badly but don't love themselves enough to be capable enough to love someone else.... and I have friends who continue to push people away and they never want to accept that it's them, regardless of the cycle they are on, year after year.
I guess someday... we all have to be sitting in the cold, damp pumpkin patch by ourselves and come to the conclusion on our own that if we don't pick ourselves up and get out of there, we are missing out on all the treats, and we are only tricking ourselves.
That was well said.
ReplyDeleteLinus in the pumpkin patch captures it nicely: bad beliefs we won't let go.
David,
ReplyDeleteHow strange that your post goes along what I wrote in the last post on my blog. :)
I believe that if we cannot accept at least 50% of the responsability for our life, chances are we will repeat over and over again the same mistakes. We are mostly victims of our stubborness, independently of the wrong that has been done to us.
Few of us want to do that "work" because inevitably, we reach a point where we'll have to face our own flaws and admit that we were wrong. It's not the wrong people did to us that matters, but the wrong we did to ourrselves.
I also understood that I cannot change anybody, and even less change the world. All I can do is share my story, and people then make their own choices. Life is not good to those who refuse to change or let change happen to them. You know the phrase "you don't teach an old dog new tricks". Well, old dogs always get shit too, you know? I learned it the hard way. I was lucky I wanted to learn and change and I am still changing and will change until I leave this plane of exixtance.
But that take a lot of work and a lot of time. And by time, I don't mean that time is going to do the trick. We have to devote many hours to this work and that's why most of us are reluctant to do it. Because while you do the work, you are not producing anything. You've got nothing to show people: "Hey, look guys what I've done!". This is difficult in this world where your value is base on your performance and your belongings. We must always produce and perform and more, and more and more...
I love that last paragraph of your post. So "à propos" ;)
Hugs
Jon
good to hear from you; and that's a handsome pix of you up there! how is your dad doing?
ReplyDeleteVery good point about the importance of 'growing up' and evolving. Probably just as dangerous is the way some people become so rigid in life. If one is flexible they can bend and evolve and adapt. If one is rigid they may break.
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