Happy Halloween or Merry Xmas?

What a bunch of craziness....

What If ?

It's in my nature to question things... and the 'what if' scenario is a frequent record on the turntable of my mind's workings... you know, the album that you wind up playing too much and get tired of quickly.  Many years ago, I was living with my ex in an apartment.  We had another couple that we were friendly with that lived in our complex and one weekend, we both were going away for a few days and, for some reason, we didn't mention to each other where we were headed.  My boyfriend and I got in our car and drove 5.5 hours through two states and across the border of Canada to Toronto.  On day two of the trip, we thought we'd hit up a local shopping mall and while we were walking in a pair of doors, our friends were walking out of the same exact doors.  What are the chances of that happening?  And with so many variables of time and logistics, it's mind boggling how that was even a possibility.  What if we went in another door... what if we took two minutes more to bang out our hair at the hotel... what if, what if?

I often sit and wonder how my life over the last couple of years would have gone had I not blogged.  Besides the obvious... the problems that I worked through in my self-therapy sessions and the people that I have met, I wonder how the experience has changed me as a person in how I relate to people and how they relate to me.  Often times, I see the funny look that people give me when I tell them I have a blog... like I'm some sort of self-important, know-it-all wind-bag that just wants attention or to hear myself talk, via writing about myself, so to speak.  That 'who am I that my opinion matters?' line of thinking.

More so, I think about two other facets.  One is how I literally 'dump' the contents of my mind, heart and emotion out on 'paper' and through that process, I feel less likely to talk about it again.  Much like an exorcism, once it's pulled out of me, I usually don't want to talk about it further... and refer people to the posting addressing that portion of my life rather than sitting down and discussing it with them.  As a result, I sometimes feel like an empty shell of a person... and wonder if the 'me' that was filled with angst and swirling thoughts was more interesting than the current version of myself.  Maybe this is just how a person who has worked through their issues should feel.  Maybe I have never known this... and I'm used to being angst-ridden, so this now feels foreign.  We've all seen the trick where a plate is twirled on a stick and how incredible the balance and movement is... but stop the twirling and you have a plate.  I feel like a plate... no movement... no balance... nothing spectacular.  Gone are the days where I could sit and talk about why the sky is blue for 4 hours.  Instead, I have probably analyzed it, written it down in it's most logical and gramatical sense and my cluttered mind of thoughts has been replaced with a Trapper Keeper... filing my opinions and thoughts as a blog post.  My stance on Sarah Palin, you ask?  Dark chocolate?  Littering?  Please refer to the blog posting on such-and-such a date...

The other facet of wonder for me is how it's affected my relationships, be it friendship or love interest.  In a number (albeit large) of hours, a person can sit down and know exactly who I am without even meeting me.  What I sleep in... what my opinions are... how I treat people... what my stances are... how I grew up... etc.  All of those things can be used in conjuntion to figure out anything about me.  New people in my life have a 'window' into my soul before I can even assess what they are wearing, so to speak, in our very first meeting.  If they read something they don't like, they may never meet me, not giving me the chance to further explain myself or to see for themselves.  In the case where they like what they see, they are able to form feelings for or about me before I can even get close enough to see the least little bit about them to form an opinion.  I'm put in a position of having to back-control the relationship, slowing them down until I can get caught up.  With my sense of claustrophobia and sociophobia, often times I feel instantly suffocated and run the other direction or I can never get a sense of who they are when I am keeping them at arm's length.  What if I didn't have those quirks in my personality, then would the outcome be even further altered?  I then walk away feeling that I am the defective one... that I need to protect the other person from me.

Having some social disorders, I hide myself, but, thanks to the Gemini in me (or maybe my self-destructive nature), I place myself in situations of 'display.  The very nature of writing a blog is in and of itself exactly like that;  I put my feelings and thoughts out there and then hide behind a firewall of protection, controlling my comments received and my participation in discussions that follow.  By writing a blog, it says that I am open to conversation... that I am a person who likes to interact, when that may not be true.  At the bar, I put on a tight shirt and work in a profession that is known for social interaction as a prerequisite... and then hide behind the bar where no one can get at me... where I can easily walk away or make myself seem too busy.  I always seem to put myself right on the edge of my fears... close enough to see but not close enough to participate.

Life is a Gamble... Might As Well Roll The Dice

As my season winds down the end of November, I'm looking to book my winter trips.  My friend Scott and I have been talking about taking a trip together so, with him loving casinos and having never been to Vegas, that's where we decided to go.  I booked a week leaving December 6th staying at Planet Hollywood.  I wanted to be right in the center of things so that we could walk to everything... but we've also rented a car as well since I'll want to show him around the other parts of vegas and we'll be taking a day trip to the Hoover Dam and the west rim of the Grand Canyon... since he's never seen any of those either.  With the non-stop flights, hotel and rental car, it's only $695 per person.... not too bad.  I'm looking forward to it... it'll be fun to see it through the eyes of someone that's never been west of Ohio and has never been in a large casino and loves gambling.

Give It To a Busy Person

I mentioned in my last post that I've been having some difficulty finding the motivation and subject matter to continue writing the blog.  A big part of that lately has been finding the time as well.  I added another night to the bartending gig... so now I work a 9 hour shift on Thursdays in addition to my regular schedule of Fridays and Saturdays.  I definitely noticed that it's not as easy to pull off as when I was younger... especially given that my landscaping days are a lot more on my feet with walking around blowing leaves on top of cutting the grass, and that I'm there more often doing it.  By this morning, my legs had had enough.  I'm lucky I'm getting 4 hours of sleep per night over the weekend and it's starting to catch up with me.  Oddly, I managed to get my bedroom and bathroom thoroughly cleaned in the middle of all that, as well as a few other projects, like installing landscaping lights in front of our place today.  I guess it's true... if you want something done, give it to a busy person.

With the fall festivals coming to an end, there's still a flurry of activity.  Next weekend, I attend another Body Electric class... this time assisting... in D.C., and I'm just about to finalize another week-long trip the second week of December with my friend Scott back out to Vegas and the Grand Canyon.  He's never been there... and he loves casinos, so rather than a beachy trip to Florida or Cancun, we decided on this.  It won't be as much traveling as I did in July... we'll stay put for the whole week, but I do want to drive to the Grand Canyon and maybe some of the other canyons for a day or two.  It will be fun to see it all through his eyes... and nice for him to have someone who knows his way around to show him.

There's no rest for the weary... my DVR has been keeping me busy.  I really hate to admit it, but I love this season's shows.  My favorite is Revenge, which has the feel of the big dramas like Dynasty or Dallas.  Person of Interest, Unforgettable, Body of Proof, Prime Suspect, all the CSI's, The Good Wife, Hawaii Five-0... I'm going to stop there... you don't want to know how many more there are.  At least I'm saving money from not having to buy a Nook or a Kindle.  Pathetic (but happily entertained).  I blame my mother for sitting me in front of the TV instead of interacting with me more.  Were that the case, I'd probably be watching Dexter too.

Bogging Out on Blogging

It's been difficult lately coming up with things to talk about on here.  Could be the time of year.... my hormonies are all unbalanced with the weather change.. or it could be that I've worked through a bunch of my issues and have nothing left.. or that I'm disconnected with life (causes, politics, social situations)... or that I'm just too busy.  Maybe I'm just tired of analyzing everything 50 ways to Sunday... or being judged.  It's funny how this runs in waves for me.  One day, there's so much I want to talk about and then it goes for days before I think anything is even worthy of discussing.  Most of what I talk about any more isn't worthy of talking about.  I'm apathetic, at a stand-still.  Coincidentally, I feel like the autumn trees... having given their leaves, standing naked in the browness of fall awaiting winter's fury.

Fall Festival

A bunch of us got together for our annual trek to Seven Springs for the Autumnfest... it was perfect weather and, although it seemed slow compared to other years, we had a great time hanging out with each other, drinking Captain Morgan and hot cider... eating food and just shooting the shit.  I got to have my usual bag of kettle corn, we rode the ski lift to the top of the hill (and drank more up there) and just relaxed the day away.

Day of Beauty

Terry came into my life so quickly and there's been so much else going on that I really didn't get a chance to clean her up at all.  They did a half-ass job at the dealership that lasted me until now, but I wanted to rub her out and put a coat a wax on for the winter, as well as spray some undercoating underneath her.  White cars are a pain in the ass... every black streak shows up and you can't hide anything, but the one good thing is that with white paint, you can scrub the hell out of it and it comes up so bright.  I use a Magic Eraser or Soft Scrub with bleach... but you have to make sure you wax it immediately since everything is stripped away.  I cleaned all the cracks, got all the bugs off her, put the wax on and polished her up.... did the wheels with Armorall and the plastic parts.... put everything away and... it started raining.  Figures... but at least it's done now.  The water is beading off her like a whore in church.

I'm Featuring You... Robin!! (Happy Birthday)

I've done this recurring post before... it started when I was drunk at gay camp, and I had this 5 LED clip-on hat light to be able to see walking around camp... reaching 30 feet in front of you with it's powerful rays, it was the perfect compliment to me not falling face down, drunk or not.  When I'd get to the rec hall, I would take it off my hat and walk up to someone on the dance floor, circling it over their head like a spotlight... and claim "I'm featuring you, I'm featuring you"... It was a nice way to bring to light someone's moves on the dancefloor... albeit sometimes freakishly awkward and in poor taste (the dancing, not the featuring).  So, this post is to highlight my friends...

Today is Robin's birthday, and I can't think of anyone who deserves a special day of pampering and attention than her.  Whether it's whipping up a batch of brownies and having people over... or picking up someone's favorite this or that... Robin is always doing for someone else.  She's the kind of mom that always had a snack in her purse in a baggie... ready at a moments notice for the hunger pangs of her kids.

I met Robin and her family at Jesse's (my ex) brother's wedding over a year ago.  Robin's husband is best friends with Jesse's dad and her daughter Courtney dated Jesse's brother, Jordan, while Jesse and I dated.  I became friends with Courtney first... but then Robin and I became fast friends.  It wasn't always easy in the first year... and we had several falling outs.  Me, with my independent and stubborn streaks bucked the mom who tried to help me and after much getting to know each other, we have settled in to a wonderful friendship.  She has helped me through several situations... supports me in my writing and even started a blog of her own (Life in Queue).  It's an odd relationship... sometimes mom to me... sometimes sister I never had... sometimes friend.  She wore a lot of hats with me, and I think friend works best.  Her family is lucky to have her... a devoted wife and mother, she's the most hands-on mom I've ever met... full of love and support for her girls... they have a friendship between them that I've never seen before.

The perfect wife, mother and daughter... she reminds me of those people who spin plates on a pole... running from one to the other, keeping it all going.  This past year had been particularly tough for her, with her husband having severe heart surger... and her mom, hip surgery... she went on for months working 12+ hours a day at work, stopping at her mom's all the way across town, then taking care of her husband and girls all at the same time.  She deserved a medal for getting through that.  Always optimistic... always with a smile on her face... always willing to do anything for you... supportive, caring, passionate... she's quite an extraordinary person and I am fortunate to have her in my life.

Have a great day, Robin... you deserve it!!!

Back To The Old Grind

I went to the Marriott this morning to blow more leaves for the big-wigs arrival and, after two hours, it didn't look like I did anything, so many more leaves were falling... so I gave up.  I went over and bought two new timers for my Aunt's outside lights and hooked them up... I haven't heard anything from her, so I'm assuming they worked.  Then, I applied three cans of undercoating to Terry's underbelly, getting her ready for winter's salty fury.

I decided to head north about an hour, near Slippery Rock, PA, hoping to get a glimpse of some of the autumnal (I know, fancy word, huh?) coloring.  There's an outlet mall up there that I like to go to and one of my favorite places on earth... McConnell's Mill.  Situated right along a strong-flowing creek, it was once used as a grist mill, grinding corn and the like.  Now, with it's covered bridge and historical mill, it makes for a beautiful centerpiece of the state park it's in.  With the large, smooth rocks that are all around, it's surely a dumping site for some glacier... the only logical explanation.  Some of the rocks have 30 foot drops and rock wall climbers scale them.  You can climb down through them, winding through close spaces in the crags between them.  On the last few pictures, you can't really get a good sense of the height, but it's also interesting that, over time, dirt settled on top of the rocks and trees grew and wrapped their roots right around the rocks.  Double click and again on any pic for the large version.  The new blog heading picture was from today as well.

My friend Gary went with me and we had a great time.  It was the perfect ending to Indian Summer.

Fall-ing Behind

I missed my fall festival last weekend because of the rain, but we made it to the Christmas in the Woods at Shaker Village this past weekend.  Robin, Matthew, Anna and I went and had a great time... poor Julie (who I went with last year, if you recall) had some sort of stomach virus (ie:  the shits) and couldn't go.  The weather was perfect... the trees were all changing... and we had some great food and oogled their goodies and wares (ok, I was talking about the cute boys, but there were a lot of crafts, etc. as well).  We have another one this weekend... AutumnFest at Seven Springs.

I really didn't get to enjoy much of the nice weather we've been having, other than having to be out working in it.  I spent two days last week trying to get the Marriott back together, another one at my Aunt's and another client's house... and two pretty much in bed sick with a sinus infection.  I went to work on Friday night at the bar, but came home Saturday night after being there an hour because I felt like crap.  I subsequently slept 9 hours that night... much-needed recovery time.  Today, with a big-wig coming tomorrow, I had a lot to accomplish.  I spent 4 hours blowing leaves off the parking lot then 5 cutting the grass and mulching the leaves... then 3 minutes looking around at all the leaves that fell right back overtop all my cleared parking lot and 2 minutes crying before I gave up and left for the day.

The leaves are all changing (see pics below) and with the last nice day being tomorrow before we get some more rain and colder weather, I may try to break in the new kayak on a lake or just take a drive up north in the middle of the woods.  The picture above, I took at a local park... they had all the benches collected and lined up for the end of season (I actually won an award for that pic).  I guess we take for granted how beautiful they are... someone from Florida was at the hotel going around with a bag collecting all the colored leaves, saying how they don't have them at home... I told him they are pretty... until you have to chase them all around the parking lot all day long.... and that he could take as many as he wanted... or all of them if he had the room in his suitcase.

YUM !! It's Foot-ball Season