It was the night (or two) before Christmas, and all through the (town)house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.... except my brother, who is more like a rat. So I'm sitting in my room catching up on a little bit of saved DVR quality programming and I hear the home phone ringing in the distance. The phone is in my Dad's bedroom, and somehow he didn't hear it (which I then start to think that he's dead, since it's literally one foot from his head). I know it's my brother because I have the Vonage modem in my room and I can see who's calling. Yesterday, we got about 13 calls from him wanting everything under the sun, including a condo in Boca, practically. After screaming at him and hanging up, that was the last of it, prior to the midnight call. About 1 a.m., there's a knock on the front door and subsequent doorbell ringing. So I throw on something presentable, because I didn't know who it might be... and it was him.
My brother is the biggest liar ever, so you never get the full or correct story. Apparently, as per him, the guy that he was hanging with was doing drugs, and being a person on the straight and narrow, he didn't want to be in that environment. I suspect that it's more because he hasn't had any money to give the guy and he was sick of my brother free-loading (although my brother denied that when I asked him). He wanted me to take him to the South Side to a shelter, so I got dressed and came back down (leaving him outside, since everything in the house would have been gone, including the paint on the walls. The car in the driveway that brought him (that he said just picked him up when he saw him walking) was still there, and while I was upstairs, he supposedly said that he would take him down there, so I didn't have to. And then it came... 'well, maybe you could give the guy a few bucks for gas, since I don't want to put him out'... oh, it's ok that you put my Dad out for upwards of $150,000... and me probably $5,000 over the years... and you wake me up at 1 a.m.... but you don't want to put a stranger out for $2.00 worth of gas.
The only comparison to how my brother 'attacks' our lives is imagining a litter of baby bunnies in a breezy field... sun shining on their soft, fluffy fur... hopping carelessly... nibbling on fresh clover by a babbling brook... frolicking merrily with their brothers and sisters.... giving each other bunny nose kisses.... and....
SSSSWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP....
a hawk comes in a plucks one of them up and flies off with it... only to drop it as it wriggles around and it falls on it's head... dazed and confused, it tries to run and smacks into a fence post 43 times before the hawk gains it bearings and swoops in again chopping it's little adorable bunny head off in one beak bite and the other half of it's body plummets to the ground and is gobbled up by a pack of wolves that just happened to be standing there ... well, you get the picture, probably too vividly.
I had a hard time getting back to sleep. It makes me feel like I am some bad person, especially at this time of year, but it's really important for his own advancement that we not do anything for him because that's less that he'll do for himself, relying on his survival instincts that he's never had to use, except when he needs drugs. I don't understand the mentality that I or my Dad is expected to solve all his problems. I'd like for there to be someone that is responsible for my shit when it goes wrong... I can't even imagine that as a possibility. And the mentality that it's ok to screw over your family at every turn. Not once in 20 years has my brother done a thing for me that I didn't have to overpay him for. All the therapy in the world couldn't make me feel anything other than hurt, frustration and anger. I will never work through that.
After a 17 year ruling, the ban on gays and lesbians serving openly in the military has been repealed, signed by President Obama today. Although a huge step forward for equal rights for the GLBT community, there's still a long way to go until we are recognized as equals... a step in the right direction, nonetheless. And although it's such a major accomplishment, it doesn't feel that way since the logic behind it seems so elementary, it's hard to believe that it's taken this long.
It's terrible that it's such a struggle. It's supposed to be a great thing that there's an exception made so that it's ok that the G/L troops can go get their head's blown off protecting a country that doesn't protect us? That we're only equal on the battlefield when they need numbers? That we are good enough to pay taxes to put other's kids to school, but are fought tooth-and-nail to be able to adopt our own? That we pay higher taxes without a married status and that we are good enough to put together a fabulous wedding as a planner or a bartender or a florist, but we will never see the aisle to walk down or the tax break? That we can be partnered for 40 years to the same person while divorce rates are 50/50, but we have no rights to estate or health choices or other legal matters?
While I think that indeed it is a step in the right direction and may open some doors and people's minds, it's only a step that affects maybe 10-15 thousand service men and women. What about the other 30 million (10% of 300 million Americans) gays and lesbians in the country?
Incidentally, the vote was 65 YEA and 31 NAY... every NAY was a Republican.
It's really out of character for me to be this freakin' jolly around the holidays. I'm loving the crisp, cold air... the sounds of the season... and the snow. Maybe when it gets down to ten below zero, I've heard "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" 493 times and there's piles of black and yellow snow everywhere, I'll think differently. For now, I'm freakin' jolly as old St. Nick, himself. Not having to buy any presents or rush from party to party, I am afforded the luxury of just taking in the things about the season that most people hurry by.
The week prior to my trip and this week has been mostly getting together with friends for meals... I mean, what else are you going to do but eat? I could go off on a tangent about my fat ass, but that will come after the holidays. Yesterday, I had lunch with my friend Jason, in town from San Diego. I haven't seen him in a year or so and rarely chit-chat on any medium, and yet we can pick up right where we left off somehow. It's nice to have those friendships that don't require a lot of maintenance.
Last night, Matt and I went to see The Black Swan. Based completely on a performance of Swan Lake, it starred Natalie Portman as a perfection-obsessed ballerina, living with a controlling, perfection-obsessed mother. As the story goes on, you start to see life imitating art (Swan Lake is about a princess turned into a white swan by an evil scorcerer's curse, broken only by finding true love. When she finds true love with the prince, he is lured away by another 'black' swan, blah blah blah). You also see this very controlled, perfect ballerina start to unravel in a psychological shame spiral. Without giving it away, let's just say that you don't know what is real and what is delusion. Up for 4 Golden Globe awards (best actress, supporting, movie and directing), as well as other awards, it is sure to be the one to beat this year at any award ceremony and much more entertaining than a night at the ballet.
My friend, Michael, said something interesting to me the other day when we were talking about some of the things going on with each other. Having some resounding issues in both our lives, we have grown close lately after just being coincidental friends for the last year or so. I shared Body Electric with him and he subsequently went to the workshop, so we were sharing our experiences. We also were discussing my eating and body issues, which popped up early in my trip to Florida last week, and we've already had conversations about our upbringings and depression. Although I've heard this before, he said that when he first started to get to know me, that he never would have thought I was dealing with any of those issues by the way that I carry myself. He also said that he didn't expect me to be so deep in my thoughts, and I've heard that before as well. In fact, my ex Scott, before he met me, used to call me 'Duh'. I guess I have a blank look on my face in a bar... maybe because I'd rather be anywhere else but?
It's kind of hard to believe, but before the blog, I never really discussed my issues that much. I mean, I've always had diarreah of the mouth, but I did hold most things in. Even with the blog, I'm not soliciting help or concern, although that does come and I am appreciative. The blog was started for me to vent, after all... not as a cry for help. Still, I think that since I feel like I'm such a mess, I try to hide it from people, afraid that if they really knew me, they'd be scared and wouldn't stick around. The odd part is through the blog, I think I highlight my quirks, pushing them out front... so if someone's still around, they've read the fine print. I think that I also hide it because the people that rely on me don't take the time to ask, let alone listen, and I keep a brave face for them. My dog and my Dad were always my reasons for hanging in there when it got dark.
An odd thing happens with people that meet me. I think they are originally interested that I am my own person and think the way I do, but they quickly try to change (or 'fix') me, and that's not letting me be me at all. Kind of like having a slightly flat bottle of wine and adding a little 7-Up to bring it back to life, then spitting the swill out because now it tastes horrible. I guess that's me... a flat glass of dark wine, instead of a fizzy glass of Sangria. When you swirl wine in a glass, the 'legs' (streaks) indicate the strength of the wine and the quality of the grapes. Don't swirl me... you may be disappointed when you break the glass.
I got home safely from Florida yesterday to a Pittsburgh dusted with snow, icicles hanging off my truck in the parking lot and some flurries... and couldn't have been more happy. I'm not sure why, I'm just really enjoying the cold weather this year. When I got to our place (surprised to see that it was still standing), I walked in on a phone conversation (loudly conversating) between my brother and my Dad about what else, my brother wanting money. Just f-ing great to be back.
After I unpacked, like a child seeing presents under the tree on Xmas morning, I ran to my DVR to see what treasures there were. I caught up on Desperate Housewives and saw the finale of Hell's Kitchen before I left for Matt's house, who was nice enough to invite me for a nice ham supper at his place. We haven't had much time to catch up lately, so it was nice to just relaxingly sit there. I made reference to a book that I had heard about (What's The Matter With Kansas) and he got me a copy for Xmas, and I was very appreciative. I've been doing a lot of reading lately but, I must say, it's so much easier when they just put a book out on DVD or maybe a Lifetime presentation... perhaps starring the fabulous once note-worthy mother on the long-running hit show of the 80's, Family Ties as the mother, Elise... and currently a lesbian... Merideth Baxter Birney. Nobody can tear it up like she can. When she portrayed that Betty Broderick who killed her husband and his younger wife in A Woman Scorned, you almost felt the blood splattering on your own blouse as you both took turns shooting him, that's how much you were right there with her. All the Preference by L'Oreal that she used to push in commercials couldn't get those bloodstains out of her feathered locks. Coincidentally, she was eligible for parole this year (the real Betty, not Merideth), but was denied since she was still a little bitter and wasn't remorseful after all this time. Anyway, I digress. I have plenty more to catch up on and I'm assuming that, with Jesus' big day coming up, Jesus won't be the only one suffering... I'll be right there with my progrums all messed up.
Frigidaze: Standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open, staring in with glazed eyes, expecting there to be something great in there behind the butter and the bottle of gin, but there never is.
Yesterday, we got a ton of rain... some of the heaviest rainfall I've ever seen. Every other day was pure sunshine, even when it was in the 50's. I had lunch with Bill and Jay and stopped by to see their house, then came back and did a load of laundry, went to Barnes and Noble to catch up on my weekly magazines and just relaxed the rest of the evening. I thought I might go out for a bit (I only went out to a bar twice the whole week), but I started watching The Wizard of Oz... and I was hooked.... (DOOOOORRRRROOOOTTTHHHHYYY! (for Scott)). I got to bed early and, as usual, got up and to the gate at the airport ridiculously early.
I'm really looking forward to coming home. Even though I don't exchange gifts or have any Xmasy things to do this week, I am filled with a lot of Xmas spriit. I'm actually looking forward to seeing some snow and feeling the cold. I'm sure I will be bitching about it in a week, but for now, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
For those of you that know Bill and Jay from gay camp, you probably know that they sold their trailer at camp and their 4000 square foot Victorian home on Mt. Washington in Pittsburgh and moved down here to Ft. Lauderdale. Storing most of their belongings, they moved into the 1000 ft. condo that they bought last year and purchased this house this week. If you know them, you also know that they have a tendency to tear everything apart and remodel it, usually in a funky, modern style that always looks great in the end. This house needs a lot of work... in fact, they are gutting it to the studs and starting fresh and installing a pool outside, but it has a lot of potential. It's a few blocks from the gay area, which will be great for them, being the social butterflies!
Today was a great day at the beach... the weather was beautiful and I picked up a good tan... stupidly, I did not pick up the really cute boy that flirted with me all day long that looked exactly like Jesse... I need to have my head examined.
My ex, John, pointed out after reading my one posts that he had to google a term that I used, which is pretty funny since it's one of the words that I made up and use often...
Surficular: On or near the surface
Usuage: David's surficular issues are NOTHING compared to the deep-down fucked up shit that runs through his head on a daily basis.
I'm heading back to the nude beach today to soak up some sun. It'll be 80 degrees today... I'm hoping to work on my all-over tan. It's interesting if you've never been to a nude beach... and while you have a few letches meandering about, most people, some bringing their kids, some couples in their 70's, just go about their business.
It's supposed to rain a bit tomorrow afternoon, which is good... I have some running around to do and I wanted to get my laundry done. Tonight is the Art Crawl here, so there's tons of people on Las Olas Blvd perusing the galleries and stores. Post funk from earlier in the week, I'm having a good time and enjoying it... but I am looking forward to being back home.
And just that quickly, something levels out and I have a great day. It was about 75 degrees today, but it didn't feel like I was getting any sun (by the angle it came over)... so I will have to go try again tomorrow! Meeting some friends out for Long Island Iced Tea Thursdays (see last year's post, when I was here and drank too much). Anyway... it was a good day.
The last couple of days were challenging. After thinking about the cause of the downward spiral, I can come up with a few surficular reasons to blame, but I have to wonder if I am that fragile that some basic things are able to put me in a tailspin... or if it's a chemical imbalance... or am I downplaying the surficular reasons, and maybe they are actually valid. While it must be hard for someone reading this to understand, having only a snapshot of the mood that I am in when I sit down to write and what mood I show them at the time... my friends (I would say 'and family', but there's not one of them that know a thing about who I am deep down, not seeing beyond their own needs long enough to even notice that something's wrong with me) see it up close over a larger portion of time. The feeling of 'I wonder if he'll be up or down' when they see me is the same that I have every morning when I hesitantly open my eyes. I will say that a good, long night's sleep usually recharges whatever imbalance I was experiencing and stops my mind enough to reset, which is why some days it's just better for me to go to bed.
I am fortunate to have the luxury of a schedule that allows me to reflect. I can't imagine getting a few moments to think if I had a few kids or a partner... and I have made choices in my life to structure it that way on purpose, usually pushing people away. To that end, I started reading the books that I brought down here, one on Tibetan Buddhism, one on meditation and another on yoga. With a few surficular problems as well as internal issues, it's hard to figure out which direction would be the best to set out upon. Armed with many different therapies, I think that I just need to not jump into any one yet. All three of the ones mentioned, and the Body Electric that I recently took, all center around meditation, which would greatly help in getting control of my mind when it races out of control. And so, I will start with some centered quiet time to start, even before I fully learn the techniques.
Over the years, I've come to realize some things about myself and through knowledge and understanding, I'm trying to be able to cut off behaviors or thought processes as they emerge (which is what Buddhism is all about). If I'm being honest, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't have suicidal thoughts pop into my mind like a craving for a beer to others. With the right amount of beer in the fridge, a game on and a bag of chips, that could turn into a session of binge drinking, eventually passing out in a drunken stupor. For me, the 'craving' is suggested (on the sunniest day at the happiest portion of my day) and the fear is that with the right circumstances (a period of melancholy, enough surficular problems, a gun laying about the house), that path would seem to be the best choice. It becomes a game of me against my mind. In a normal person, ending it isn't presented as an option in one's head. And while that scenario wouldn't play out over a 15 minute time span, it could over a longer period (like in Vegas). That may be hard for some people to understand... and hard for others close to me to hear. But it is what I go through most days.. and it is the truth. Being able to recognize the signs and behaviors has become important against my own self destruction. Jolting myself out of a spiral has become more and more difficult, but through the blog and the different modalities out there, managing it is easier.
I'm heading to the beach today for the first time to lay out. It's supposed to be 75 degrees today and up to 80 by Saturday. It will be good to soak up some sunshine... I think it will help my mood, although I already feel better after a good night's sleep. I'm pretty sure it'll be busy, being the first day this week that people wouldn't have to wear a parka.
My friend Robert introduced me to this piece, having put it on a CD that he gave me as a gift. 'Spiegel Im Spiegel' translates to 'mirror in mirror', which refers to the infinite images you see when you have two mirrors propped up opposite each other. I tend to relate to moody pieces because they make you feel something, and this one makes me feel a lot, evoking feelings of joy and sadness at the same time. The piece's melody has a range of only 4 notes up and down and it's simplicity shows that beauty doesn't have to be complex. Before I realized what the translation was, the repetitive nature of the chords reminded me of the paralleled nature in which I reflect, over and over, which is probably why I related to it to begin with, looking inward for depth and perception constantly. The small range up and down four notes reminds me that it's only small steps in my mood to reach peak and valley and rolls as such.
Not much to report on over the last couple days. Yesterday was a high of 50 and an expected 62 degrees today... and it's dipped down to the 30's here as well at night. Fortunately, it's been sunny without a cloud in the sky. Tomorrow through the rest of the week, it will be in the mid to upper 70's. Yesterday, I went to see the movie Fair Game with Naomi Watts... and it was very good. I also started reading my books. I went down to the beach and sat for a while just looking out at the ocean, although it was too cold to lay out and the beach was deserted. I hope to get to the beach either later today or definitely tomorrow to soak up some sun.
Normally, when I go away, I enjoy my time to myself. This trip has been more difficult to be alone. I've had a few rough patches over the last couple of days of wanting so much to be near someone but close to no one at the same time. That's pretty typical for me; to be smack in the middle of an internal conflict, despite my surroundings, good or bad, proving that no matter how far I travel, I'm there. The ups and downs of being in my head can sometimes be exhausting. With anybody else, the movement back and forth from up to down can be a small movement, like a saw across wood, surpassing only a tooth or two on the saw into the wood. For me, it's sometimes a moment by moment dragging of the full length of the saw... one minute giddy... and the next, virtually hopeless. And it cuts, and continues to cut. Finding motivation to move is as difficult as standing still. Feelings of anxiety, hopelessness and guilt are overwhelming... guilt that I am lucky to be in such a beautiful place physically and not able to get out of the awful place in my head.
