The Land of the Living

Gone are the days of my youth when I was full of piss and vinegar, not afraid to take a risk or accept a challenge... willing to start all over again from scratch just for the 'fun' of it.  I used to have goals and look forward to things, often times finding ways to turn my life upside down or keep it interesting or push myself.  Instead, I find myself a middle-aged man just treading water, to keep from drowning... not looking for anything... not being able to see anything beyond what's in front of me at the moment.  I'm paralyzed in fear.  Afraid of what, I don't know. Adding more to my plate?  Change?  Death?  Life?  Or is it a combination... possibly that I just may have to engage myself in the land of the living?  Out from the shadows?  Out from the miserable place that I hide?  Where am I?

A few weeks ago, I was watching the movie "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World".  With a giant meteor headed for earth only weeks away, certain things didn't matter as much as they did before.  Consequence didn't mean as much when you didn't have things carrying forward and you were able to just let your guard down and just enjoy yourself... just enjoy what you enjoy and let go of all the stuff that we heap on ourselves.  As I watched the characters in the movie lose their inhibitions and think about what it was that they most regretted not doing, scrambling to get that one last thing in before it was all over and the time ran out, I felt such a calm come over me, having felt like I was a part of the movie.  With the apocalypse teased back in the summer and the end of the Mayan calendar more recently, it isn't that far of a reach to grasp... and with all the zombie movies and TV shows like Revolution, contemplating an end of days seems very probable nowadays.  As I thought about what I would do... who I would want to see one more time, I suddenly felt clear-headed and light and a feeling of relief washed over me.  When the movie was over and I realized that it was only a movie, all of that weight came flushing back in.  Shit.

I've never been afraid of dying, in fact, I think that so much of living is bearable for me because I feel like I have control over how much of my life I will have to endure.  With no religious consequences to consider, I think I look at death as a way out just as those religious may look at heaven; a better place for me to ascend.  I haven't prepared much for the future because I always feel like I'm just making it from one point to another... maybe a task that I have to finish or maybe something to look forward to, but there's no real long-range plan.  For years, it used to be my dog, Shelby, that helped me through the harder times, not wanting to leave her behind.  Now, I guess it's my ailing relatives...  and always having been a person that had control of their life, I resent that I am trapped now.  I cherish the time with them, but all I think about it getting out of here.  At some point, I lost complete control of my life... and quit caring about much of anything.  So buried underneath an avalanche of shit that doesn't seem to stop coming, I live completely on the defensive, only reacting to everyone else's more important thing.  They don't bother asking me what I want or how I am or what I dream about... that's never the question.  If they only knew what I dream about is getting away.  I have a tremendous amount of guilt that my life will start when they're gone.

With my back problems last year, I was afraid to move at all... worried that my back would give out.  And this year, it's the same thing with me having the flu.  I get a good day and then hours later, I'm back in bed.  Coming to grips with my aging body has been difficult having always been the person that could accomplish anything.  It's been a real eye-opener, that I'm not invincible and that the clock is ticking.  I have a sense of fear that my life is over... and that my life is not.  At some point, soon... I need to get a focus... a goal... a purpose.  I need to start enjoying life again, letting go of the bitterness and anger that I have.  To get out from underneath things and do more for me before it's too late.