Don't be a Deck

To me, there are pessimists... then there are optimists on the other end of the spectrum... and then there's me... a realist... right in the middle.  I'm far too productive to be a pessimist... and not fucking cheery enough to be an optimist.  Over time, I've seen that bitching about something doesn't get it done... and thinking nothing will go wrong and everything will be great just sets yourself up for disappointment when, inevitably, things go awry.  I think with my sense of humor and sarcasm, I tend to get labeled as negative... when I'm only trying to be funny.  I also think that the 'meat and potatoes' of life is in the part where you roll your sleeves up and get dirty.  That's where we learn lessons... that's where we gain knowledge... and that's where we get things done.  Like I said, bitching about it accomplishes nothing... and with having your head in the clouds, you miss what's going on right in front of you.  The heart of life is in the details.

I have an odd sense of what fun is.  For instance, I can go to an amusement park and eat food and sit on a bench and watch people and have the time of my life not riding one ride.  I'm not a thrill-seeker... never have been.. but I'm deep into experiences.  I get a lot of pleasure from accomplishment which is probably why I work so much.  I don't look for fun in every situation because there just sometimes isn't any to be found.  Not every experience has to be life-altering or a memorable occasion or the time of my life.  For people who do look for those things and then don't find it, they become bored or complacent or apathetic and lack focus.  There are many things that I am not, but focus and perseverance are not things that I lack.  When I see a shitty job ahead of me, I buckle down and get it done.  I'm really good with tedium, repetition and challenge.  I don't cut corners and do it the right way.  There's plenty of time for fun later... but serious and relentless are how I am in the throws of it.  I guess that's why people come to me to get things done.  Both a blessing and a curse to be like this, I guess.  My friend Kyle is an optimist... and what I like about him is that he sets the bar for me in thinking positively, but doesn't get upset and is patient with me when I don't hit the mark.  He helps me strive to be better... a lot of people in my life actually do.

I'm not going to lie... building the deck down at camp was a bitch.  A pessimist would have looked at it and said 'forget it'.  And an optimist would have expected everything to go right... and they would have been sorely disappointed.  Me... I expected it to be shitty... it was... and I got it done.  From hand-picking the 124 treated 12 foot long heavy boards, loading them onto three carts that I could barely move, checking out at the Lowes, loading them into a rented truck, driving 45 minutes up the mountain, unloading them by myself, returning the truck and driving back, laying out the 12' X 36' foundation by myself, digging the post holes, taking my shirt off and getting sun-burned to a crisp, running 5 boards short in the middle of a storm with 50 mile-an-hour winds and having to drive two hours back next week to finish just the 5 boards... it all sucked, like I knew it would.  And yet, standing on this side of the project, I can honestly say that I had a fun time because, standing back at the end and looking at the finished product, the sense of accomplishment that I have is overwhelming.  Sure, there was a beautiful view up in the mountains... a nice breeze most of the time... I got to see Scott who set me up with a great room for free... those are all things that made it bearable.  But 'getting 'er done' is priceless... and knowing that there's nothing that you can't accomplish if you put your mind to it is what I live for. 

Cruise Control

Sigh..... (exhales heartily)

It's been a long couple of months getting everything done at the Marriott, but I finished everything up yesterday... now I'm just down to my one day a week grass cutting that takes me anywhere from 3 - 7 hours to do, depending on how fast the grass is growing... and one day of weeding / clipping / trimming, etc.  I can finally put all my tools up in their place on the walls and reclaim my garage for parking again.  Such a wonderous time of year for me when the 12 hour days are over.  Even with the three months off, when you factor in my 12 hour days, sometimes 7 days a week... it all works out in the end... especially with bar hours added in too.  Now, I'll probably take on more nights at the bar and just enjoy the summer.  With recently finding out that the bar is closed the first week of August, I've thrown together a reprise of my Philly/Rehoboth trip that week.  A little close to me getting back from out west, it'll be good to see my friends in Philly throughout the week and see my ex, Scott's new place in Rehoboth though.  I haven't been there in ten years... I always liked the town, but it was too gay for me.  Still, it'll be fun.

I'm heading down to gay camp today to build that 12 X 36 deck for my friend Jimmy.  It'll be great to see Scott since I haven't seen him since April-ish.  It should take me two days to do, barring any problems of getting all the wood up the mountain in my truck and not hitting bedrock.  Unlike the deck I built for my friend, Matthew (pictured), this one will be right on the ground, so it should be simple.  That's usually when things aren't... when you think they will be.  I will be back Thursday night or Friday morning, just in time for the bar.  I really like working with my hands... I should have been a carpenter or electrician.  There's always time... I'm due for a complete career change   :)

Wait Till Your Father Gets Home

There have been two things in my life that have grounded me... one of them was my dog Shelby.  So much of my life's decisions were based on what was best for her, particularly in the way of housing.  I've moved 38 times in my life... and she moved probably half of that with me in her 12 years.  She was pretty adaptable, but for the first month or so at a new place, she'd run to the closet door when I asked her if she wanted to go out to make a sissy... poor thing.  The other thing that grounded me is my Dad... having to watch over him now keeps me from making so many erratic decisions and moves.

Many of you know that I moved my 83 year old Dad in with me because of the situation with my addict brother (see many, many, many previous posts from the last couple of years).  Anyway, it's been an interesting situation for me, especially since I'm used to living by myself.  It's odd how we, as children, become the parents to our parents;  something that I still have yet to get used to.  Throughout my day, I see so many instances that take me back to my childhood when my Dad would scold me for leaving the milk out... or making a mess... or leaving the window open when it rains... taking my shoes off before walking on the rug... or getting me to take the garbage out (the list goes on and on).  And now, it's the reverse... it's me making sure that my Dad does all those things.  I have to keep on him... and he has a child-like sense of accomplishment when he does something that I don't have to remind him of... he points it out to me.  It's really kind of cute.

Whether he's called Dominic, Dom, Pap (Pappy), Dad, or Uncle Butch, he's loved by everyone.   Willing to give you his last nickel and the shirt off his back, he takes care of so many people who can't take care of themselves... which is funny since I have to take care of him.  I learned my sense of helping out the fellow man from him... as well as his work ethic and old-fashioned morals.  He accepted his lot in life;  to work hard for his family and provide for them... and that's exactly what he did.  A brakeman on the P and LE Railroad for 35 years (not an easy job), he was gone several days at a time all throughout my childhood, which makes the time that I have with him now even more precious.  My Mom never worked and didn't drive... and was the disciplinarian... and my Dad was the passive, simple one.  It was my Mom that spanked us, although I managed to get his goat a few times.  I can remember my Mom yelling at me for something that I probably deserved... and I would say back "you just wait until Daddy gets home"... like he was going to side with me.  I was definitely a handful as a child, diagnosed as being hyperactive (today's ADD)... so my being around was enough of a challenge.  I am extremely lucky to have been adopted by him... I couldn't have ended up with a better role model or person.

Some of my most vivid memories growing up with my Dad were...

-  the time he took me to his train yard and let me drive a train
-  sitting at the attic window (which had a view of the top of the street) with our family dog, Lucky... waiting for my Dad to come down the street.  
-  coming home late at night as a teen with him sitting in his chair asleep (waking up, telling me he was only resting his eyes) and I'd catch the end of some black and white movie with him (he turned me on to Sunset Boulevard (my favorite movie now)).
-  how he and I would go out in the ocean in Myrtle Beach and collect sand dollars, and I would go sell them on the beach.
-  the time that I backed the car into the rock wall and poked a hole in the fender and got the car stuck and then hid under the cellar steps for 6 hours.  Or sitting with him in the driveway while he worked on the car (me pounding the cement with his hammer and him getting mad).
-  when my Mom passed and we needed to order flowers from the place that I always got flowers from (Max and Gayles) and he called it 'Massengils' (the douche company).
-  when he was helping me move for the 20th time... he said to me "so, do you think this will be the last move?"... and I said 'probably not'... and that was ok with him.  While I don't think he understands what possesses me to do some of the things that I do, he supports my crazy unconditionally.
-  him walking up the sidewalk on my 12th birthday with my Easy-Bake Oven (God, how did they not know I was gay?).  I can still remember how I lit up watching him come up the sidewalk... with a grin on my face a mile wide.

My Dad was always physically strong as well as very handy at fixing anything.  It's hard to see him now... aging... his cognitive skills not as sharp... he can't figure things out things like he used to... his strength is gone... he can't hear so well... he's having some back problems... he sits so much.  It breaks my heart and sometimes my spirit to see him slow down... much like the effects of kryptonite on Superman, so is aging on my super hero.  Yes, these years are precious... and things happen for a reason.  I joke about his toast crumbs... and his dirty fingerprints here and there... but I wouldn't trade this time for anything.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think... 'is this going to be the day?'  Being a person of habit, all it takes is him being 15 minutes late for me to start worrying about something happening to him, because then I'll be on my own.... and even though I take care of everything now... I'd really have to be an adult.  As long as my Daddy is around... I don't have to fully grow up.

We have everything we need, so I like to get him a card and get him some scratch-off lottery tickets to put in the envelope.  It gives him something to do and, who knows, he may win something big (my retirement as well)... so it's a win-win situation.  When he opened the envelope and saw the tickets, he lit up.  That's his Easy-Bake Oven.

Anyone remember this show?

I Can See Clearly Now...

This weekend was Columbus' Pride Festival... and being so close (3.5 hours away), many people went there for the weekend, some of my friends included.  So when the bar was packed last night, I was very surprised.  The thing with the Blue Moon is that it's a neighborhood bar in the city, so some people don't have cars... so they are kind of stuck in the neighborhood.  Also, our clientele is looking for a $3.25 vodka/cranberry or a $1.75 Pabst Blue Ribbon tall can... so world travelers, they're not.  It was fun... and a bunch of my friends came out.  In the back of my mind, I expected it to be slow... and once you have something in your head, it's hard to break out of that mindset... I never seemed to catch up all night long.  Tonight, while I thought I was working 5 pm - close, I'm only working until 10 pm... covering for the mid-shift... so I'll probably go harrass some bartender at another bar somewhere for a little bit.  Incidentally, my shirt says "On your mark, get set, GO AWAY"!

David Marriott is scheduled for a visit on Tuesday... so I have a few things to do before his arrival at the hotel... but not too much.  Then a few things next week for the audit the following Tuesday... and then I'm in the clear until Fall cleanup.  I'm heading down this coming week to gay camp for a few days to build that deck.  Then vacation... where I can just breattttthhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Light At The End

With this spring being so rainy, it's put me behind in my work.  I'm usually done by this time of year and down to my one or two days a week grass cutting and maintenance.  My contract with the Marriott is front-loaded... with the winter clean-up of of 15 acres, pruning of 200 trees and double the amount of shrubs/hedges, 75 yards of mulching and planting of over 600 annuals, there's so much to do April and May, not to mention keeping up with the 8 hour grass cutting day at the same time.  It's a big property, and it takes time... I do 98% of it myself.

I love this property... flanked by a creek on one side and woods on the other, it's a very natural setting which works well with my style... 'walked upon in the woods'.  I don't do sculptured or placed... but rather a natural setting using crumbled rocks and open spaces and non-fussy plants, allowing for a look that you would find in nature.

Every day that I go into work with a certain plan, it usually is blocked by something... a wedding in the area I was going to work or some other contractor doing work... rain, heat or snow... a full parking lot keeping me from getting to an area, etc... so I need to be able to switch gears if need be.  And that's only the process of trying to get it completed.  Once I get it done, there are so many things that work against me... too much sun, too much shade, heat, rain, wind, flooding, bugs, deer, rabbits, moles, employees, dogs, customers, sprinkler system/lack of one, poor soil... to name a few.   I do what I can do to make it nice for 5 minutes... after that, it's a crap-shoot.

After lots of rain and then weeks of 95 degree, humid days, this past week or so has really cooperated.  With temperatures in the 60's, it's been great... I've gotten so much done this past week.  I'm really exhausted... between this and the bar.  Next week, I have the deck to build and a little more work at the hotel... then I'm on vacation for a week.  With much-needed rest, planning a trip that is so labor intensive in hot temperatures probably wasn't the best idea.  I should have planned a more relaxing time.  All hotels have pools, so I may fore go exertion for relaxation. I'm looking forward to getting away and coming back clear-headed.

YUM !! (Love... It Takes Two)

Bangles and Baubles

Someone commented on a picture of me recently where I was wearing the black rubber wristband that I always wear (seen on my left wrist in the picture) and wondered if it had any symbolism, like Lance Armstrong's yellow ones for cancer, etc... I wish there was a story of humanity behind it but, sad to say, nope... I bought it because it was black... and black is my signature color.  Shelby had Blush and Bashful... I have the color of death.

I go through phases... at one time, I was all into gold and diamonds... then it was platinum and diamonds... now, it's mostly rubber bands.  Usually people wear more jewelry as they get older... I wear less.  I'm more earthy-crunchy now.  Part of the reason is my jobs... being a massage therapist and a landscaper, I don't wear much because it would get messed up, lost (from taking it off so much) or caught on something. 

I've had some nice pieces back in the day... three Gucci watches... a Tissot... and some nice rings, including a 1 carat round diamond solitaire, flush-mounted into gold... it looked like a big diamond eyeball, watching me as I looked fabulous... I mean, I thought that I had arrived, don't you just worry about that.  It was given to me by a boyfriend the second go-round.  We had broken up and that was supposed to impress me... and considering he owed me about $15k at the time... I'd would have much rather had the cash in-hand.  Regretably, I whipped it at his head at the end of the second go-round... and on the third go-round, he never gave it back to me (for fear of future head injury, no doubt)... and consequently, getting it back was one of the main reasons I got back with him to begin with, so it didn't last long.  So, out my solitaire ring and my $15k.  Lesson learned... never give the jewelry back.

A few years back, I sold off all my watches and rings since I never wore them any more.  I replaced them with some retro looking Fossil watches (the same style, one with a black face and one in brown)... and two that I thought was the sun in the face, but turned out to be a tennis ball.  With the words "U.S. Open 2004" etched onto it, I should have realized, but I will plead the fifth of gay... I don't pay attention to sports unless it's swimming, ice skating and gymnastics (the gay triad).  Unfortunately, since I never wear those either... the batteries are all dead, and there's always one jagoff in the crowd that calls me out when he sees that the time isn't correct, and realizes that I'm just a gaybird wearing a watch that matches my outfit but doesn't work.  I am right-handed... and I've always worn my watches on my right hand... it just feels better.  Again, somebody will always call me out, asking me if I'm left-handed... there isn't some law that says you have to wear your watch on the opposite wrist of the one you write with, is there?  Oddly, I wear the rubber bands only on my left wrist.  Typical Gemini bullshit, making no sense.

I have three rubber bands that I've collected over the years.  The black one, I got in Las Vegas.  I love the retro sign and stars, but I usually wear it inside out so it's just all black.  The grey one I got at Petco, supporting Greyhounds (the dogs, not the buses)... and the orange one, PNC bank was giving away for free yesterday at the pride festival (it says "PNC Celebrates With Pride).  Nice that they showed up and all... but obviously they were just gay for pay... looking for some gay dollars to be deposited into their bank via some new customers.  The only rings that I have left are the gay pride one that is bejeweled and bedazzled in colors of the rainbow flag... and the white gold one with small diamonds that I gave to my ex, Jesse, to counteract his fear of abandonment.  When I broke up with him, to help him face his fear... I made him abandon the ring.  A little random therapy never hurt anyone.

I'll never forget, back in the early 90's, I went to see Joan Rivers in concert.  She was talking about wedding rings and asked to see some of the rings on the fingers of some of the girls in the front row (first mistake... never sit in the front row).  This one girl jumped up and stuck her hand out for Joan to ogle, thinking that she would rave about it... and she said to the girl... "that's swimmers jewelry... you wear that into a pool when you don't want to lose your good one"... and the girl was mortified.  Again, NEVER sit in the front row... and never volunteer for anything.... and NEVER NEVER NEVER give the jewelry back when it's over.

We Are Family (Albeit Disfunctional)

This week has been somewhat emotional for me for a number of different reasons.  For one, I'm exhausted and haven't slept much, so I'm kind of 'raw' right now and my nerves are exposed, so to speak.  I've been edgy, and communication with everyone this week has been a struggle.  Another reason is that the guy I started dating didn't really work out, and that makes me sad because I thought it had some potential because he was special and I really felt a spark, but it didn't seem to come together, so I walked away... not what I wanted.  Lastly, I'm proud of all the things that I have been able to get accomplished lately... with a lot of balls being juggled... they're still mid-air, so that's good.

So it's no wonder that today, at the pride parade, I got all choked up.  The parade was huge... and there were so many people that showed up.  Last year, standing on the sidelines watching the parade go by, I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment for our community.  This year, being in the parade, it was magnified.  As I drove in the parade route, I saw all the people cheering as we drove past... the support, not only for the bar... but for us as their 'family' members, was overwhelming, and I found myself holding back tears many times.  To be a part of a group of people that are strong and overcome adversity on a daily basis... gay, bi, transgendered, drag queens, lesbians, etc... and who aren't afraid to be themselves in a world where non-conformity and being different have their cost.  And yet, we all rise above it, getting up time after time of being beaten down as though we are some sort of freak of nature, deviant or abnormality.  I am proud to be a part of this group... and would rather be someone special than part of the whole... be colorful rather than blending... and be an individual with a mind of my own.

It's not easy being gay.  I've been asked many times throughout my life if I had a choice, would I pick being gay... and the answer is yes.  They say you can't 'pick' your family.  I'd pick these people each and every time... and consider them exactly that... family.

For Medium-Well Gay, Bake at 350 Degrees for 45 Minutes

I am up, somehow.  Not that busy a night at the bar because of Miss Patti LaBelle singing at the Pride in the Streets Concert, but what lacked in numbers, made up for it in pure crazy.  What a strange crowd at the Blue Moon.  The previous night, with some 400 queers packed into a hot, smokey bar... we had no incident.  Take 33... and you've got fights and problems out on the sidewalk and a whole load of bat-shit crazy coming in off the street.  Odd, that's all I have to say.

I cut grass for 3 hours yesterday after getting 2.5 hours of sleep... then spent 4 hours cleaning and detailing my truck.  The parade sparked a few other things that I've been putting off, like changing a burned-out tail light and undercoating the bottom of the truck.  It's all ready for the parade... she works hard, but cleans up well.  Gotta run... the parade awaits.  4 hours of sleep last night... people are going to be on my last gay nerve.

Love-Tapping a Dyke-Riden Harley Hog

For the Pride celebration, last night was the 'Bar Crawl'.  For $30, you got tickets to a number of bars and got a free drink at each of them... and were buses on school bused from one bar to another as part of the package.  For the people, it was probably a good deal, and fun... you got to see all the bars and not have to drive.  For the bars, not so fun.  The bar itself saw no money from the tickets... but we, as bartenders, had to make all the drinks.  I rang about $500 on my drawer... which is usually about $200 more than a normal night... but taking into consideration how many 'free' drinks we made... I would have rung 3 times that, at least.  With 'free' drinks, comes bargain shoppers/tippers... and what would have been a killing in tips turned out to be a record high for me there... but should have been fantastic.

I'm no stranger to a busy night.  At the Marriott, we would have Penguin hockey rushes before the game and I'd ring $3,000+ on my drawer, but there were 5 of us working behind the bar.  It wouldn't have been bad last night, except that the bar back was AWOL most of the night... and then drank himself into a stupor... and the bar doesn't have enough glassware, so I was literally washing glasses out to be able to make drinks... and considering that bus loads of them were showing up every 15 minutes... I didn't stop once the whole night.  It was fun though... I enjoy being busy.  At the end, the bar back passed out and was taken home... so we had to clean up the mess.  We got out of there at 5:15... I was in bed at 6:15 and, wide awake again at 8:30 this morning.  Not good.  With landscaping work, working out and working at the bar... my appendages are dangling today.

Today, I have to wash my truck for the parade tomorrow, since a bunch of people from the bar will be sitting in the back of it and I'll be driving it in the parade with banners all over it.  I'm back at the bar tonight at 9... probably another 4 am morning... then at the parade at 10 am. 

I hope I don't fall asleep at the wheel and run into Dykes on Bikes in front of me and knock all their motorcycles down and they kick my ass.  Or worse, catch the tail end of a feathered boa or scuff the back of a drag queens 6" stilettos with my front bumper... you don't want to mess with a queen's cha-cha heels or fashion accessory...  hell hath no fury than a perturbed man with his weiner tucked in spanx with full make-up and a bedazzled gown with a wig jacked up 18 inches off their head on an 85 degree day in June after they just walked 15 blocks waving like Princess Di.  They simply won't have it, plain and simple.

Happy Gay Pride

Tonight starts the Gay Pride Festival here in Pittsburgh.  There's a bar crawl where they're busing the gays from one bar to the other, so it should be busy.  Since I'm on permanent Fridays and Saturdays now... I'll be there.  I'm not what will be taller, gayer and more refreshing... me or the drinks!  Tomorrow night is the dance in the street, with Miss Patti LaBelle as the headliner.  I'll be working at the bar, so I won't be going... but I am letting them use my truck Sunday morning in the parade for the bar... so I'll get in bed around 5 am and have to get up, wash my truck and get to the parade by 10 am.  Afterwards, they have a block party stretching about 8 downtown city blocks... it was a lot of fun last year.... with booths set up and food and performance.  Coincidentally, the Pittsburgh Arts Festival will be going on a few blocks away... should be interesting.  Here goes another fun-filled, not-much-sleep weekend again.

It's been a busy week at work.  I was able to get 60 flats of flowers planted and did some more mulching today.  It's been so hot and humid... it's not been fun. 

I made it to the gym tonight... first time in about 5 weeks.  Unbelievably, I am still at 16% body fat... 170 lbs... and could still lift the weights where I left off.  I've had my fair share of sponge cake over the last couple of weeks... and my diet hasn't been that strict... and yet I've been able to maintain.  I guess it's all the strenuous work and sweating.

YUM !! (Total Towel Hotties)