24601

Stealing bread to feed his family, Jean Valjean, from the Victor Hugo novel 'Les Miserables', is imprisoned.  After his stint in jail, he makes an effort to right his wrongs, but still struggles with his identity... is he and will he always now be that thief (prisoner 24601) that he became in his moment of need, or is he the better person that he now strives to be?  For the rest of his life, he asks himself 'who am I?', but never really comes to any conclusion. 

Many times, things that happen in our lives that we have to endure change us, maybe forever.  It might be because of a relationship, friendship, an experience or an event like a medical situation, change of career or losing someone close.  Everything that we come in contact with throughout our life changes us in some way, some positively and some adversely.  We are constantly evolving, hopefully into a better version of ourselves, but probably as more of a coping mechanism to adapt.  We are constantly evaluating our beliefs and morals as we come across things that challenge us.  Who we are is a moving target that we'll never be able to define. 

It's been a while since I've written other than a few attempts here and there.  My blog has been a recording of my ruminations over the situations that I came across in my lifetime.  I did the work...  I analyzed...  I processed and made changes in my behaviors and, at the time, thought I understood myself.  And while I'd like to think that I reached a point in the process where I came to grips with who I am, I find myself at the beginning again, having to scrap all that I worked through because so much has changed.  I thumb through my entries and, most times, have no idea who that person is or was.  And the same for who I currently am. 

Hitting middle agedness was difficult for me.  Once I hit my upper forties, I had still seen myself and felt like I was still in my thirties.  It wasn't until an almost life-ending suicidal depression followed by a year of life-threatening medical problems that I went from being at my peak at 49 feeling 32 to being 50, feeling 65.  Invincible, ageing never even crossed my mind before, whereas now, it's all I think of in the shadow of some stark realizations, residual health problems and career changes.  It was a direct blow to my self-worth, ego, physical stamina and a wake-up call as to my own mortality... and how it relates to the likelihood of having another life-ending health situation at any given moment, being prone to a repeat occurrence.  Suddenly, I feel the clock ticking and the pressure of figuring it all out. 

Having said all that, I am back to the drawing board to be able to move forward with my life.  Currently, I am in limbo, not having direction or a center from which to stand.  My foundation has been ripped out from beneath me.  And now, stripping away the bullshit, understanding my contribution to this world and seeking happiness in the time that I have left is in the forefront.  And so, I am going to try to commit to writing again, as a way to sort through it.  Who am I?... indeed.