Being Put Through The Meat GRINDr

Picture it... It's 1994 at 5:10 p.m. on a Friday night and you suddenly realize that you have nothing to wear to go out tonight... at least something that someone hadn't seen you in already.  A trip to the mall is in order because, lets face it, when you are out to see and be seen, what you are wearing is pivotal, since it defines, at first glance, what you are about and who you are.  You could be shot down instantly for not having the right name brand designer on your back or using the wrong opening line, and within a few minutes of walking through the front door of the bar (which might as well be a fashion show runway), your fate would be set for the evening... or at least until about quarter 'til two when the pickin's get slim and standards are dropped ever so slightly (with a loud thud) right before the lights go up and stark reality shines down like a spotlight.  If you have no confidence, quarter til two wasn't anywhere you should be.  It was brutal and there was no hiding.  A black, blousy shirt became your best friend if you did have anything to hide.  My friends and I would joke... 'what do you think of that guy?', one would ask... 'he's an 11:45', denoting that he'd be someone that you'd want to meet earlier than before the night was over.  Harsh.  We're so hard on each other.

Nowadays, with dating and the phone apps, you can literally make everything up, including your stats, your profile, your age, your occupation and your pictures and sit at home in your pajamas and let the magic unfold from your couch while watching a Meredith Baxter Birney drama (one of the 13 where she portrays a jilted, scorned wife and shoots them or cuts their balls off).  And because very few people ever plan to actually meet up, you can be whomever you want to be since no one is really going to see you... and you don't need a fresh outfit... no need to brush your teeth or run a comb through your hair... yes, you are settled in to a night of Lifetime and a low battery, and the only real action your lap is going to see tonight is from your dog/cat who can't keep still, searching for that comfortable spot.  Mr. Mittens is the only pussy you're going to see tonight.

With the gay apps, you create your profile and just sit back and wait for the shit-storm of judgment and criticism to come down on you like a jungle rain shower.  The nice thing is that it all happens behind the scenes... you don't actually know why someone hasn't responded since you don't actually get to or have to interact with them.  You don't know what part of your profile they didn't like which only adds to insecurity.  And you get no opportunity to find out either.  I'm not sure which is worse... getting instant feedback/rejection face-to-face or that wondering that you have to do when someone doesn't even have the courtesy to respond, at all.  Imagine walking up to someone and saying "Hi, you're handsome... nice meeting you" and having the other person stand there and not respond or acknowledge you in the least bit.  This is what happens all the time on the apps.  Not only has the birth of this form of media bred the worst social interacting malfunction in history, but it also breeds rudeness beyond belief.  I've never read the statement that you agree to when you install the app, but it must say something about setting yourself up for anguish, ridicule and general ignorance.

I find that the majority of people on the apps are of the 18-27 or 46-? range.  I think it's because kids are out of high school/college and have nothing better to do and need constant attention and interaction.  They never want to meet because they always are looking for the next 'best' thing, which comes by every 19 seconds.  They will never be happy or satisfied because they are incapable of getting below the superficial.  And the older ones are on there because they are set in their jobs and their life has become routine and they have more time.  They are also fighting the effects of gravity and getting older, so they are more likely to hide behind an app and probably not meet because they are afraid to be rejected and found out.  Very rarely do you see a thirty-something on the apps... maybe they are busy with their careers in full-swing or they are in a relationship already, I don't know.  If they are, it's usually because they are in an open relationship and they are looking for sex. 

At some point, with all the ways to connect nowadays, we have lost the ability to really connect with each other on any level other than sexual... and the meaningless kind at that.  No emotional exchange... no sympathy, empathy or compassion.  No touch... nothing beyond the surface.  All of it is vapid and shallow.  People talk about wanting a relationship but have no idea what that means or what it entails.  With their parent's broken marriage as the blueprint, they have no idea what love looks like and giving up and walking away seems to be what you are supposed to do.  And fending for themselves because both parents are at work makes them completely void of caring about anyone else's needs but their own.  All take and no give.  This is the norm.

In the sea of love, if you wade in the shallow, all you'll see are tadpoles and bottom-feeders... everything beautiful is below the surface.  You have to dive in and get wet to get to where the magic happens.