Stopping In a Snowy Woods

America... for the Taking

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue...  It sounds like a Carnival cruise when you sing it like we used to in elementary school, commemorating the year that he discovered America.  But our history has a way of romanticizing things to further the 'America is great!' propaganda, and Christopher Columbus might as well be the poster child for how yarns (ironically, born the son of a weaver) are spun and how truly horrible people tend to be idolized.

In school, we were taught that he set out to find a better trade route to India and debunk the myth that the world was flat, which had already been disproven.  A bit of a poser and idealist, after several attempts to propose his exploration to the Portuguese, French, English and Italians to get funding, the king and queen of Spain finally agree (to not be outdone by the Portuguese, who had already set out) and he leaves with 3 ships and about 80 men, most derelicts and released prisoners.  With all of his maritime experience and knowledge, he miscalculates and ends up in the Caribbean (5000 miles off his mark), thinking that he landed in India.  One of his crew was actually the first to spot land, but with a lifetime pension promised by the Spanish royals, he claimed that he saw it the night before and stole the credit (and the pension) from the crewmember.

Columbus landed on what is now known as the Dominican Republic, claiming it for Spain (regardless of it being occupied for thousands of years by it's tribes).  Realizing that they were a very hospitable, docile group (several million of them), they had no weapons, knew not of killing and weren't religious... he overtook them to help him find more of the gold they wore, enslaved thousands and, upon return to Spain, took many back with him for slaves (throwing those overboard who did not live through the voyage), before returning back for more.  When he returned, he brought African slaves for the new world (being the first to start the slave trade).  By the ruling of the Pope, he forced the natives to convert to Catholicism before being enslaved and, because it was illegal to enslave Christians, he simply wouldn't baptize them so that didn't interfere with his plans.  Over the next decade, Columbus' treatment of the natives was probably the largest genocide and atrocity of mankind.  He forced them to work in his gold mines until they died of exhaustion, cutting off their hands if the didn't make their daily quota, wearing their hands around his neck to 'send a message'... he sold 10 year old girls into sexual slavery (being the pioneer of sexual slavery... he brought back attack dogs from Spain and if the people misbehaved, he would cut off an ear or their nose or have the dogs attack them or burned their bodies alive if they tried to escape, feeding their babies to the dogs as dog food.  They would slice people's arms or legs off or cut them in half in a game to test the sharpness of their swords, killing thousands of them a day, parading their bodies through the streets.  Several diseases spread.  The natives starting committing suicide instead of enduring the horrible treatment and, eventually, word of the atrocities got back to Spain and Columbus was brought back and jailed (only to be pardoned later because of the riches that he brought to the monarchy and allowed to go back).  By this time, there were only a small handful (approximately 500 out of millions) of natives left.  Before the invasion of the Europeans, it was estimated that there were 80-100 natives occupying the Americas and, currently, only about 6 million identify as native decedents, are forced to live on reservations set forth by treaties that the U.S. has repeatedly gone broken.

Heralded as a testament to loyalty and patriotism to country and progression of society and citizenship, the anniversary of Columbus' 'discovery' has been long celebrated.  The first statewide holiday was in Colorado in 1907 by a first-generation Italian and, in 1934 with the lobbying of the Knights of Columbus (in an effort to elevate Italian-Americans in status since they were considered less than white (and to find a Catholic hero for their children to look up to)), it was made a federal holiday, later officially a legal holiday in 1972.  In 2002, George W. Bush issued a proclamation, declaring Columbus' great expedition and pioneering accomplishments and directed that the U.S. flag be flown on government buildings in celebration.  In truth, the only thing, perhaps, that we should be celebrating, is his contribution to bringing native species of crops back and forth to and from Europe in his travels (along with chocolate and syphilis).

Best said by Irwin Ozborne in his contributing piece to Wake Up World... "Christopher Columbus — a liar, thief, rapist, pedophile, savage, torturer, genocidal murder, brutal conqueror, and pioneer of slavery and sex trades — did not discover anything besides a beautiful, peaceful group of people who had lived sustainably on their land for millennia; who rescued him and welcomed him into their home. Implementing what can only be described as sociopathic imperialism, his thirst for wealth, greed and power wiped out generations of people within a decade. And for his “bravery”, we celebrate the day he invaded the land of the people that rescued him."   And further comparing it to that of Hitler's (who wrote of his admiration for America's genocide)... "Thousand-mile death marches, concentration camps, forced assimilation, mass killings by starvation and the deliberate introduction of disease, the forced adoption of culture and ‘beliefs’…".  This was yet another mass slaying in the name of religion and greed.

Sadly, history is full of it's 'heroes' like Genghis Khan, Napoleon, and Caesar that overshadow genuine heroes that go less celebrated, who have truly made contributions to mankind.  Society tends to idolize those that have taken in the name of 'discovering' when it should have been called 'conquering'.  Our political system is full of people who lie and cheat to further accumulate what they have and get what they want, often times in the name of religion.  And they are admired (as evidenced by the current Republican polls).  Your Trumps and Romneys only rise to the top the more fraud they commit.  Ayn Rand, who said "I do not think (Native Americans) have any right to live in a country merely because they were born here... and acted and lived like savages".  This is someone to idolize.

We vote these people into office and it has become the plague in our country today... the taking at the expense of others is a national pastime... a national holiday... and a show of strength and celebration.

All in a Days Work

Set aside how long the whole thing takes from start to finish, the most frustrating part of the hiring process is trying to figure out what they want from you.  From your resume to the interview to all those annoying personality tests they make you take, you never know what they're looking for in you. 

Having many years of management experience and a habitual job-hopper in my youth, I have interviewed hundreds of people and have been interviewed, so I know both sides of game.  I immediately look around the room and size up the interviewer to find some common ground and figure out who they want me to be.  If interviewing, I try to trick people into telling me things about themselves that they normally wouldn't have brought up to find out what they are about as a person.  One time, my ex and I were up for the same job... he got it because he had wing-tip shoes on that reminded the interviewer of his Dad.  It's a crap shoot... it doesn't matter what your skills or experience is, it all comes down to their connectivity with you, and if it's positive or negative.

Recently, I went on an interview for a job with a 'progressive' company (which basically means they hire people with facial hair and tattoos).  Little of the 45 minute interview was about my 25 years of business experience or skill set or whether I could do the job.  We talked about what I did outside of work, etc. to the point that it felt like I was being interviewed to be his best friend and how easily I could obtain a keg, rather than someone he was going to hand the keys to the million-dollar business.  The second interview, had I not told them to forget it, would have been me being interviewed by the 18 year old kid who takes the garbage out at the end of the night, because 'everyone's opinion counts'.  Now I have to have a skateboard to get a job? 

Green INFJ-A Activator Guardian.  Those are some of the results from the many personality tests I've taken;  The Color Test, Meyers-Briggs, Gallup, Keirsey... and you might as well throw in Gemini and Goat... to round it out with my astrology signs.  As silly as they all are, they are eerily accurate.  I'm not sure if they are vague enough that they fit a whole bunch of different kinds of people or if there really is some science to it, but suddenly, it all seems like an interview I once had at a restaurant where they made me get up on the stage in the middle of a packed room and do the worm dance while singing "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener" to see how extroverted I was.  As an introvert, I obviously didn't get the job (although I did as I was told, and well, I might add).. but I thought it was pushing the limit of trying to be different than every other applicant.  Hell, it was cutting edge back in the day to print your resume on colored paper or with rounded edges.  In a stack of hundreds, it was supposed to make you stand out. 

Nowadays, you need a Vaudeville act and a nose piercing before you're going to get anywhere.  My ability to entertain shouldn't be the criteria for how well I would run a company, although dealing with millennials, I would surely need a lot of Bayer children's aspirin, some Highlights magazines and some gold stars to hand out. At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy (ok, well that became a self-fulfilling prophecy, just using that term), what's this world coming to? 

Boxes in The Basement

Several years ago, I had the daunting task of going through my Uncle's house when his wife passed away.  He had health problems of his own and he couldn't stay in the house by himself.  He wasn't particularly close to me when we were growing up, and it's only been in the last couple of years that he moved in with my Aunt that I have gotten to know him more, as I look after them both.  The task was just that; going through the house and either selling things, keeping things or throwing things out with the end goal of getting the house ready for sale.  It was a difficult position for me to be in... to come into his home and take two months determining, essentially, which parts of his life was worth marking, saving, selling or forgetting.

It's amazing the things that we accumulate in our lives that mean something to us with a value derived mostly from our experience or memory, but mean nothing to someone else.  A cocktail napkin with a number scribbled on it from the guy that you wound up marrying can be more valuable than the expensive painting hanging on the wall.  Which one tells more of a story?  The decision to make that call to the number on the napkin made all the difference in your life.  Once the pictures and memories fade, those valuables in our lives fade away also, like they never happened.  In the end, those things mean little to anyone.  They say if you haven't touched it in 6 months, get rid of it.  I used to keep everything, scrapbooking it or keeping in a Tupperware container, dragging it from place to place, never really looking at them.  I've always been a person to pack away things in the boxes in my mind, much like I did with my Uncle's belongings.  Fears, hopes, goals, dreams, pain, grief, experiences... we shelve all of these until we are just an empty box ourselves, walking around, still searching for something to make us feel alive and have value.

"Yesterday is history and tomorrow's a mystery", my Uncle said to me the other day, "so you have to live for today".  Somewhere along the way we got the idea that life has to be so fucking amazing and there's a higher purpose we should seek out.  In the scheme of things, we are a microscopic speck in the universe.  Very few of us are going to make some earth-shattering discovery or go down in history, and chasing that idea is a fool's errand.  Life is about a series of small moments and happiness has to be sought in those moments or your life will be for not.  If you never find the joy in something or someone, always thinking there is something better coming, before you know it... you will have nothing or no one.  You may have spent your life miserable climbing some corporate ladder, only getting to the top and jumping off when you realize you've wasted your life making someone else's dreams come true.  Alone when you think someone better was coming;  they're not.  Frugally going through life saving for something and being plucked from the universe before you attain it.  Life is unexpected... you have to seize the day.  You have much less time than you think.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.

Eyes Wide Shut

The purpose of your eyelids is to shield and protect your eyes but, whether open or closed, you're only going to 'see' what you want to.  They can be wide open, looking at something, and you 'turn a blind eye' to it, not acknowledging or accepting it, and not reacting.  Conversely, you can have your eyes closed and still see everything, maybe relying on your other senses or beliefs or your imagination gets the best of you.  When I was a child and I was scared, I would close my eyes, thinking that if I didn't see it, the boogeyman wouldn't be able to get me.  Same with looking in the closet or under the bed... I knew they were there, but if I didn't see the monsters with my own two eyes, I was safe.  Obviously, that is a fallacy.  Even in pitch black with your eyes opened wide, you are still seeing something, even if you're not aware of it.  Eigengrau is the shade of black seen by the human eye in complete darkness.  It is also called Eigenlicht, meaning 'intrinsic light';  that which is natural or inherit, rather than learned.

Your brain is at work all day long, not only receiving from your eyes, but from other senses.  It only takes 13 milliseconds for your brain to process an image and then it is on to the next image, constantly calibrating itself, figuring out what to look at next. Because it all happens so rapidly, the eye-to-brain connection sends these 'concepts'.  The eye has to see something and the brain has to figure out what it is to be able to look at the next thing to be able to put the concept together, and make sense of it, to be able to react. This happens three times a second.  It's a wonder it can correctly interpret what it's seeing, but it does, somehow.  Mind over matter... it's a very powerful thing.

There are many things that help or block your vision.  Obviously, glasses can magnify the clarity in the objects you see, while beer goggles... well, we all know how that turns out.  X-rays, fog, telescopes, as well as other things, all cloud or help how we see things, but the most distorting are those that interfere most with what we think.  Quick judgements... not letting the brain truly process fully, coming to a quick decision... stubborn beliefs... religious traditions that don't let us see the present or future, only the past... racism... only seeing what's on the surface... and the things we block out, mostly about ourselves, that don't allow us to see ourselves as we truly are because we don't want to take the time to change them or we don't want to take responsibility and face the things that are bad.  In contrast, maybe we see ourselves in a bad light and not how others see us at all or what's not true, but in our own head.  Our own self-impression, as if the eyes could see inward, are just as destructive as the things we don't want to come to terms with.  Nothing can harm us as easily as we can ourselves.  Sometimes, we are our own boogeyman.

There's something to be said for the candid picture... catching you off-guard so you can see the real you.  Today's selfie is just a façade.  In the natural, intrinsic light... maybe it's time to take a good, long look.

L'Oiseau Bleu (Bird Blue) - An Original Poem

L'oiseau Bleu (Bird Blue)

 

Out-stretched wings in effortless flight
rising to meet the sunrise, Native alarm clock
blue-hued plumage, sheens and shadows in the tuft
wind-lifted soaring and whistled-singing happiness

Once fancy-free, turned blue, from

clear as aqua to deep as ocean...
light as powder to dark as midnight...
warm as electric to cold as steel...
brightly-regal as royal to tarnished as verdigris...

Resting on a vane, in vain,

...directionless, wind-blown
Out on a wire
...a balancing act, over-extended
On the fence
...mind split, discomfited angst
Out on a limb
...snapping twig, foothold lost
 

Cluttered, empty-nested, broodless brooding...

songless, stifled, and ruffle-feathered...
aimless, hapless, lost harbinger of happiness...
tossed and swirling, up and down in swells...
abruptly grounded



(Notes:  I wrote this as an homage to the bluebird of happiness with a play on the word 'blue' also meaning 'down in the dumps', or depressed.  A juxtaposition of happy and sad, it's also personification of the qualities of the different shades of blue, comparing them to their associated qualities... and comparing some of the places the bird might land to phrases that would suggest why it's so angst-ridden.  Ultimately, it's about the bluebird starting out so happy but then turning sad, and after a tough go at it, giving up.)

Tug-of-war - An Original Poem

No Room At The Influenza

Indiana's Governor, Mike Pence, is under fire with their recently-passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act.  Under the guise of protecting one's First Amendment right of freedom of religion (wait, I thought that right was protected under that amendment already?)... the underlying context of Indiana's law is directed at two private parties (landlords, corporations, persons, groups, churches, businesses, etc.).  And while more than 30 other states have a similar law in place, those states are aimed at the government's overreach, not private parties.  What this equates to, even though the Governor (in many interviews) would not admit, is that a business could deny service to a gay person under this law.

There's been a 'war on Christians', as per them, for some time now.  This concept comes from the backlash of the non-religious... or non-Christian denominations standing up for their rights.  With over 4000 words in the Constitution, not one of them is 'Jesus', 'Christian' or 'Bible'... and this country was founded on the escape of religious persecution... and yet, somehow this country has been labeled a 'Christian nation'.  The problem with Christians is the disconnect they have with understanding that not everyone believes in what they do and their beliefs are not superior to another's.  So while 'God' is written on money... or Christian prayers are being held in schools... or Christian statues and crosses are being erected in the town square, there's a wave of people who are pushing back on these things, either stating that it has no place in government or in the public... or every other religion should have equal play.  The idea of a Satanic statue going up... or a Wiccan chant in a school, etc. (let alone anything Muslim) has Christians outraged to the point that their heads will explode. This hypocrisy is disgusting.

Refusing service to gays played out in Washington State where a florist refused to provide flowers for a gay wedding, stating that it went against their religious beliefs (um, what passage in the Bible says thou shalt not make a baby's-breath and pansy boutonniere for a gay wedding?)... and an Oregon bakery who refused to make a cake.  And after a lawsuit, the couple won and was awarded hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages and the bakery had to close.  Especially after the bakery was caught making cakes for both a Satanic and a stem-cell research event, both of which go against their religion, which proved that it was more about homophobic beliefs than religious.  And while it's easy to suggest 'what's the big deal, just don't patronize those businesses and go somewhere else', there are many areas of the country that you have to drive 4 hours just to get to a Walmart.  The question becomes whether someone should have to drive 4 hours to get a cake because of another's idiotic beliefs, bigotry or their lack of intelligence.  These two examples of discrimination gone badly... and the legal counsel that Pence received stating that it would be trouble, didn't stop him from penning the law, complete with a few of his homophobic buddies standing by his side when he signed it.  The backlash that he and the state are under came as a surprise to him, which proves that he honestly thought it would be ok to discriminate.  Major companies and organizations like the NCAA, Subaru, Nascar and Angie's List are coming out against this move, pulling support and refusing to do business in the state.  Even other states and Christian organizations are boycotting.  People are calling for the repeal or changing of the law... and LGBT protection under the law.

As Atheists, we always get that we are trying to dismantle religion and disprove God.  As gays, we always get that we want some sort of extra rights.  It is neither of those but, rather, just to be left alone to live our lives without someone threatening our rights.  Atheists are not out to disprove God... there's no real proof of any of it to begin with.  We don't believe in any higher power, so someone else's belief doesn't threaten our way of life.  Our life isn't a house of cards about to tumble or a wasted life-long pursuit of something that has no proof of being.  And, as far as gays go... we don't care what you do... UNTIL your choices or beliefs affect our rights as a human being or someone else's rights.  Then we have a problem.  Neither Atheists nor gays want anything special... just to be left alone and have the same rights and protections under the law as anyone else.  And, unfortunately, that's where the problem lies... because groups (especially Christians with a superiority complex) are not happy going about their business without trying to persecute someone else for their beliefs or who they are.

Times have changed.  Belief is at an all-time low and dropping thanks mostly to outdated ideals, greed, pedophilia, hate and killing in the name of religion.  It will be the cause of their own demise and they are too stupid to realize they are doing themselves in.  They don't have the market cornered on morality any more, in fact, the message and interpretation is so screwed up that it's the opposite, brought to light especially by their own hypocrisy.   Jesus' message is surely lost on his followers.  Meanwhile, support for gays is at an all-time high.  The days of lumping us in with the disease-ridden, pedophiles (98% straight males) and those into bestiality are gone.  We're no different than anyone else and turns out we have a voice and are standing up for ourselves.  Being gay is in no way worse than being divorced or eating shellfish or wearing a certain fabric.  There isn't a sliding scale of what's worse in the eye's of God... and it's no one's place to judge another anyway. It's simple... if marrying a gay person is against your belief, don't marry one.

Indiana's way of thinking is on the wrong side of history.  It will be easy to spot these businesses that discriminate.... they will have a 'going out of business' sign on the front of the store.  They'll feel it in their wallets first and then, hopefully, in their hearts.  It

It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's...

It really takes a lot to shock me any more.  I think, as a society, we have all become numb to things that happen around us as, simultaneously, our need for stimulation has heightened.  In the fifties, we may have been shocked that Ethel wore white pumps after Labor Day and, worse, that she was carrying on an affair with Herb, her married neighbor... and today, both are accepted... and expected as the norm.  With so much going on in these tough times, we've had to reign in our sphere of exposure in the necessity of time, keeping our focus on the truly important things necessary to survive and for our own protection.  While our entertainment is now reality TV and 'shock-and-awe' videos, we don't react to world situations that are beyond comprehension, let alone to the things that are happening in our own back yard.  We hardly blink any more when there is a school shooting and if we are watching a YouTube video, if something major doesn't happen that is amazing or absurd, we click to the next one.  We have become a dumbed-down nation with short attention spans, no imagination and no desire to learn, especially if it takes any work to get the information. Catching your news in a blurb or headline without doing any research is the new standard of knowledge and the news sources are sell-outs to corporations and are more about making a buck than displaying any shred of journalistic integrity.  No one knows what's true and no one seems to care about facts or know the difference between that and an opinion.  Put on a pair of non-prescription Clark Kents and spout off some information that sounds like facts and no one will know the difference, right?  After all, if you say something loud enough and with some confidence, most people will believe it without question.  That's probably how religion started.  Who has time to ask questions anyway?

Let free-dumb ring.  'Murica is falling in the ranks of world intelligence at an alarming rate.  Whether you look at studies based on IQ, test scores, quality of education or other measures of 'success', America is trailing way behind and steadily declining.  Our claim-to-fame these days is having the most guns and incarcerated people and being the fattest nation.  Asian countries seem to rank highest and I can only assume it's because of their focus on education and success above everything else, in what seems to be culturally-driven.  We used to have a high work ethic built upon that which our parents taught us... hard work is the measure of a man... that if you work hard you will get what you deserve... that taking short cuts isn't the best path... that anything that is worth having is worth working hard for and takes time.  But somewhere along the way, our values have changed.  It's hard to work hard to barely get by when those around you are handed things, or their shortcuts are rewarded above your hard work... or someone is working the 'system' to get things or lucks into 'success'.  People have put their future in the hopes of a winning lottery ticket or football contract or winning American Idol.  They have given up, and for some good reasons.  For me, there's nothing like the pain and exhaustion that you get at the end of the day from a day of hard work, but I am also realizing that that doesn't equate to success, especially in the measures of society and keeping your head above water.  My back pain doesn't equate to a big bank account... and although my moral bank account may be full, that doesn't buy me a steak... it buys me Ramen Noodles.

One of the biggest factors in our society's decline in intelligence is the dismantling and defunding of the educational system.  There's a whole movement to remove history books from the curriculum because it paints America in a bad light or it doesn't agree with someone's religious beliefs.  You can't rewrite history because it's not convenient for you.

Also, people's inability to know the difference between fact and opinion.  While everyone can have their own opinion (what they think, feel or believe, based on who knows what?), a fact is something that can be tested and proven to be true.  The problem with the definition of a fact is that it waivers between truth and proof... and things can be true without someone having proven them.  It could be true that there are other life forms in the universe even though it can't or hasn't been proven as of yet.  And likewise, things once proven have actually been proven false, like the earth being flat.  Proof is also person-relative.  Someone having a 'vision' from God can be proof and true to them, but is still not a fact.  A scientific equation to explain relativity has been proven and is fact, regardless if you can understand it or wrap your head around it, but may not have been proven by you, specifically.  Everyone is an expert nowadays.  And something can be both a fact and an opinion, but it is only true when you are on the side of the fact.  Even though I may look in the sky and see a UFO, it may have been a bird or a plane and the FAA can prove it with their flight plan, and I, at some point, have to concede to those with more experience in the matter.  I'm no expert.  The waters get muddied further when you consider moral or value claims as facts.  Homosexuality is wrong as per the Bible.  Well, so is eating shellfish... so if you eat shellfish, does that negate the truth of the former?  And what if you have no belief in the Bible altogether?  Lying is wrong... but white lies are ok?  How do you draw the line?  Therein lies the problem.

If things are not spelled out exactly, then things are left to interpretation which leads to individual belief.  Facts have no value without belief, but belief isn't necessarily a fact.  We, as adults, have to rely on our moral knowledge and standards to coexist in society.  It's a careful balance, with several things being an integral part of the process of cohesion.  We have to check our ego and back down when we are not the expert and haven't done due diligence to support our claim.  We have to know that our beliefs are ours and not everyone else's.  We have to recognize that while the internet is a good source of information, it's not the only source, and neither is any one news program.  We have to recognize other's strengths and our weaknesses.  We have to stop idolizing stupidity in our society and herald, not ostracize, intelligence.  We have to stop jumping to conclusions, cutting corners and start seeing other's points of view.  We are all in this together and we are all in trouble, together, on our current path. Something has to change.

"Truth, justice and the American way".  That's what the series Superman was all about... the idea that the moral responsibilities of human beings are powerful enough to overturn evil.  Every episode had Superman coming in and saving the day against the perils of the elite and bad.  Growing up you wanted to emulate him.  Now, it's a different story as people look up to those who cheat or lie and stomp all over people to get money, the thing most admired in our society.

I remember, as a child, watching Walter Cronkite on the evening news.  "And that's the way it is", he used to say... and you believed that, as he was named 'the most trusted man in America'.  If we don't return to a place of integrity and moral responsibility, get our priorities straight and hold ourselves to a higher standard, we are all doomed, and not even Superman will be able to fly in and save us from being fu@ked.   Free-dumb isn't free.  It is costing us in ways we don't even realize.

The Lady DOS Protest Too Much, Me Thinks

"Those who cannot remember the past are destined to repeat it"

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was punished for repetitive deceitfulness by having to push a large boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down when he got close to the top, where he'd have to start the process all over again.  And again, and again.

At times, throughout our life, we make the mistake in not learning our lesson from our mistakes, only having to go through it over and over.  Maybe it's in opening ourselves up to someone who repeatedly hurts us... or in dating the same type of person that you can't trust or maybe it's in how we go about interacting with people on a daily basis. 

In this day and age, technology is supposed to make your life easier, but rarely is that the case though.  Apps freeze, phones drop the calls, voice-to-text sends the message "how's your wiener" to your boss when you were inquiring about the weather... and your computer goes black for no reason. It's fairly easy to fix those situations... you either turn it off and on again... or reboot or do a CTRL/ALT/DELETE and in a jiffy, you are back on track... as long as you don't start pushing random buttons, which almost always makes things worse.  It's not so simple when a relationships crashes... those fixes don't work... and it seems the more things you 'push' (just like the computer buttons), things get worse until you've fried the whole thing, losing everything.  It's going to take more than the task manager to recover.  All your hard work is gone instantly.

Recently, I got in an argument with a friend.  It's been a rocky road of communication for us since the beginning, being that we are very opposite in so many ways, but we are learning and making progress.  We have had a lot of success with shutting down an argument when it happens.  Instead of antagonizing, patronizing or prodding each other, we have learned that it's best to switch to DOS 'safe mode' to minimize damage.  By walking away and taking some much-needed time to cool down, recheck our work and reconfigure a new pathway, we are able to get to the root of the problem, reboot and come at the it from a different angle.  This isn't easy when you just want to start pushing buttons.  It's how we're programmed.

The stronger man isn't the one that can push the boulder up the hill 100 times, it's the one that can admit his mistake, stand back and look at the situation and try another path, because it's only then that you can actually make changes to avoid repeating the same situation over and over again and make any progress.  To use your head rather than waste your energy in a pointless exercise is always the wiser choice... and will get you farther towards your goal every time.  It's common sense... but it's actually not so common.

Cheer Up

Depression is a difficult situation for everyone involved.  Whether it's you who is depressed or you know someone who is depressed, it's one of those things where everyone is helpless, there's no easy way out and no one has the answer or the understanding.  With the holidays and Winter setting in full-force, it's hard not to be affected in one way or another with the changes in light.  Recently, I have noticed many people opening up about themselves on Facebook and it really is shocking to see how many people are suffering, especially when it's one of your close friends and you never knew of their battle... because people get really good at hiding it.  Left untreated, you can really spiral deep into a hole that you can't get out of and it becomes extremely destructive.

Everything has a fancy, technical name, nowadays.  When we were kids, you were 'hyperactive' if you were bouncing off the walls, but now you have A.D.D.  If you had pains in your stomach, you had a 'tummy ache', and now it's acid-reflux.  And if you were sad, you just had 'the blues', and now it's one of many types of depression.  The amount of people who are affected by depression is staggering, as is the amount of people on some sort of medication in this Prozac nation.  Almost everyone you talk to is on something and it's so common that we might as well wear our prescription on our lapel like a badge.  Our medical ailments become our identities, especially as we grow older.  We are a nation of apathetic, emotionless zombies, either in a fog dealing with the depression or in a fog because of the medication we are on to deal with the depression.  Maybe it's cause is in the water... or maybe it was something in the change of ingredients of Coca-Cola when it was briefly Coke Classic or what they've been putting in our food... but something has had an effect on our ability to cope or something has altered our internal chemical composition.  Are times any tougher to deal with now than they ever were?  Maybe...  but probably not.  It's something else.

I see depression in two types;  the first, I call situational/conditional depression.  This is when you don't get the promotion that you feel that you deserved... or the boy that you're head-over-heels for doesn't know that you're alive... or you didn't win the lottery like you fully expected.  These are all examples of you not getting your way and pouting.  And, eventually (when you wise up and come back to reality), you get over it and move on.  The second type is chemical depression.  This is how you feel when it's the most sunniest of days, you just won the lottery and then you trip on a sack full of $20 bills on the way out from a random hookup where you just got the best sex of your life... and your only thought is why bother with life... and all you want to do is crawl into bed and never come out... and lose all hope and your desire to spend another minute on earth... in your body... in your life... and you just want the noises and voices in your head to stop and the pain to end.  You don't care about eating, sex, hygiene.. it's all out the window.  And then it gets really bad, as you spiral even deeper into a non-recoverable pit of darkness in your mind, all the while, not being able to 'snap' out of it.  And while sometimes it's onset is gradual and you eventually realize that something is off, sometimes it's different from one second to the next... from 1 to 10 without 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and 9.  It's exhausting and destructive.

It's hard for someone who has never had severe depression to understand it.  One of the worst things that you can say to someone who is depressed is 'cheer up'.  I don't think there's a phrase in the English language that says 'I'm really not interested in what you're going through, but you're bringing me down, so... just snap out of it' more than that phrase.  "Things will get better" is a close second... because while things may get better, the person doesn't.  It's not curable... and treatment is an ongoing crap-shoot, so it never really ends.  Depression is often misconstrued as a pity party or attention-getter... or that someone is just really negative and wants to mope around, but it's none of those.  It is absolutely out of that person's control.  Something in their chemical composition at that point is triggering feelings of sadness in their head that they cannot stop.  No one wants to be depressed.  No one wants to bring people down... and so people put on a brave face... don't talk about it... hide it... hide out... suppress the pain and push it way down until you smash so much of your feelings down just like you would garbage in a garbage can so that you can get more garbage in it... but, eventually, it bursts and spills over and makes a mess.  You feel like you are outside of your head watching your sad self be paralyzed by it, all the while not being able to do anything about it.  You have lost control of yourself.  So you stop caring about anything and everything and everybody.  You are so overwhelmed with grief and sadness that you lose hope and interest and see no way out to stop the pain.   This can happen in a matter of minutes... a matter of days or maybe over several weeks.  If you're lucky, you get help though medication, although that doesn't really do a whole lot.  In some cases, it actually makes you more suicidal and more of a zombie... as your sex drive disappears... you gain weight and you don't care about anything, so I'm not sure what's better.  The alternative is to look for another way out and you don't care who will be hurt when you take your life because, at that point, you don't see any other way out... you just can't bear the pain any more.  You just need it all to end.  The ability to take your life is sometimes the only thing that gives you a sense of control. 

Recently, Robin Williams took his own life to end his struggle which, clearly, he hid.  I mean, how could a man who has devoted his whole life to making people happy through his craft be sad and hurting inside?  And how selfish for him to make people so upset over his loss, right?  People always talk about how selfish it is of the person who takes their own life, but what people don't realize is that having to put on a smile for everyone around you when you feel this way is excruciating.  The selfish person is the one around him who never bothered to notice that he was in pain.. or didn't want to notice because they only wanted the pleasure that he provided.  It was his life to live or take...  not anyone else's.

I try to stay focused on a task and keep busy when I feel it coming on, which I think really helps me, but everyone is different.  A good night's sleep stops the thought process in my head and recalibrates my system.  Eating better and working out has also helped me recently.  40+ moves, 20+ jobs and Lord knows how many relationships later... I'm still struggling for stability, realizing that I can't hang my happiness on something or somewhere or someone else.  No matter where I go, I am always going to be there.

Sadly, there's no cheat sheet for those around a depressed person either.  You aren't going to be able to snap them out of it... you can't love them out of it and, in some cases, telling them how much you care about them and love them and need them in your life only makes it worse, as then they feel like they are failing you and are worthless on top of everything else.  Don't discount or marginalize what they are feeling... research it and try to understand it... be there for them if they want to talk... hold them if they need that.  Help them get help if they want it.  And, sometimes, saying nothing while sitting with them is the best medicine... and the best way to show you are there and you care.

In an age where we are not only arm's length away... but hide behind texting, which further separates us... be in contact with your friends often... be around them often.... be aware...  and be kind... always.

Happy Trails; Inny or Outy??

The holiday season is upon us and besides everything tasting like pumpkin spice or candy cane, it's a time for get-togethers and gatherings and all the hustle and bustle that the holidays have to offer.  Fun, right?  Who doesn't like to put on a new outfit, be in the spotlight, catch up with friends and family talking about everything under the sun... being out and about socializing and going to events and dinners and clubs and parties and visiting and shopping and cooking and the music and noise and ??  Who doesn't like all that??... introverts.  And like myself, they hate this time of year and look at it with utter dread and anxiety.  If you're excited about all of that stuff that I mentioned... chances are, you are an extrovert (or 'outgoing', as it's more simply referred to).  So, are you an inny or an outy?  And before you check your abs for the answer... your schedule is more of a tell-tale sign of which you are.

Outies (extroverts) are seen as the life of the party.  They love the limelight and being out amongst people and don't do so well when they are by themselves, often immediately reaching for their phones to communicate with someone because they are easily bored and afraid to be alone.  They do well in public speaking and political positions but their need to be talking on the center stage gets them into trouble when they don't think beforehand.  They seek out exciting things to do and are more apt to be on a sports team or out socializing in a bar.  They feed off their constant need for attention and interaction and small-talk and tend to suck the energy right out of someone as their fuel and using it for the 'show'.

Innies (introverts) are the exact opposite and are most times misunderstood as shy, stuck-up or boring.  Shyness has to do with fear of social judgment, whereas introversion has more to do with how one responds to their environment.   A situation that overstimulates the central nervous system (like a sporting event, for example)... which would excite or engage an extrovert, exhausts and overwhelms the introvert.

Introverts are most 'alive' and 'switched on' when they are by themselves and are ok with being alone and, in fact, crave it.  They would much prefer being with one or two close friends pondering life's questions or something philosophical than being amongst a crowd talking idle chit-chat.  They withdraw in crowds since a noisy bunch of people drains them of their physical energy and makes them feel more isolated than engaged. They get distracted often, but are bored rarely due to increased sensitivity to their surroundings, their attention span is easily pulled in another direction. They are drawn to detail-oriented, creative an solitary careers.  They dive into tasks one at a time and take their time making decisions or solving problems, so professions that give them the mental stimulation without the stimulating environment is best, for example... as a writer.  When in a crowd, there's always an exit strategy.  Feeling physically uncomfortable, they tend to stay near the exit, near the back or in an aisle seat, avoiding being surrounded by people on all sides.  They'd rather drive themselves so they can come and go as they please. They physically cannot stand to be on the phone since it's a distraction and full of small-talk. They literally shut down when it's time to be alone.  Solitude is valued as a way to take time to regroup and refuel.  In the cup half-empty/full scenario, energy is taken from the introverts cup with interaction, whereas it is constantly refilled from an opportunity for interaction with an extrovert.  They are intense and don't know how to 'lighten up' or 'dial it back a notch'.  If we're in a conversation, it's most likely about politics, religion, money or relationship stuff... all social no-nos.  That's where we thrive.

I really respect, applaud and envy the extrovert, but for me, just having someone ask me to an event starts an anxiety attack avalanche and I get tired even starting to think about it.  Trying to get out of it.... wondering who will be there, making sure I drive myself so I have a way out, trying to make it through the idle talk about nothing important and having to be 'on', with my spirits up, having to get dressed and battle crowds, meeting new people, thinking about what excuse I'll give to leave before I even get there and how I will sneak out without having to say goodbye to everyone... it's all so exhausting that it truly hurts emotionally and physically and is why I stay home instead.  I can't describe it any easier than that I am in constant pain the whole time.  As a bartender, I loved having the physical structure of the bar as a barrier... and building decks and landscaping lets me be outside by myself.  And the older I get, the more alone I like to be and seek out solitary things to do...  hiking in the desert... kayaking in the middle of a lake... taking a drive in the country... all things that energize me and cuts people off from me.  If I do have to be amongst people... I like to be on the sidelines where I can just watch and listen and process but not have to interact.  I don't go to a bar to talk to people.... I go to observe.  I want to be as close to the action without being in it.  Or meeting with a friend or two and have an in-depth conversation for 5 hours over coffee.  That's my stimulation.

Two of my relationships were with Italians, so the holidays were always chaotic and loud, so I would always drive separately because I could only take so much.  My best friend always includes me in their family gatherings around the holidays, which I really appreciate, but just the mention of it starts the process.  They are the people closest to me and yet I feel so isolated when I'm there (having nothing to do with them specifically), even more than when I am by myself.  And talking about Christmas plans before I even get through Thanksgiving is excruciating.  I think my head will explode.  One social interaction at a time.  As a child, I used to open my gifts up in my room rather than in front of people and spent a lot of time in my room with my things.  Several days before dinner now and all I can think of is how nice it will be to back home in my own controlled surroundings with my things.  Home sweet home means more and more to me as I get older.

Make Me a Match

I'm old.  Soon, I will make jam, get 13 cats and shop for a nice rocking chair to sit in to watch Murder She Wrote reruns (that Jessica Fletcher is such a nice girl).  It's what us old ladies do.  And it's my duty to become everyone's Yenta, nebbing in their business, always bringing a covered dish and doing plenty of matchmaking.  For me, love is over.  I had my shot.  I've had some dead-on-balls hits and some that didn't score as many points... and I've also had my fair share of target-adjacent near misses that fell flat on the floor.  I'm ok with this.  I am alone but not lonely.  I am never bored.  I pursue the things that interest me and leave myself open to new things, even though I am set in my ways.  I have little need for people in my life beyond my friends and my DVR is already loaded with the progrums I like to watch...  this old bird ain't sharing the remote.  Being by myself makes sense to me at this point of my life.  I am happy.

But for the young, love is always in the air.  There are websites and apps and meet-up groups and a host of other places to meet people.  For straight people, it's simple... every 5 feet is a potential 'where we first met' site.  If you are straight and you haven't found your mate on the way into Target from your car in the parking lot, there's something wrong with you (although Target is a hot-bed of potential with the gays swarming there).  For a gay, it's not so simple as the numbers are against us. And it's much harder to find a decent one.  When you meet them, you don't see their faults until you are in too deep.  You don't see how shady your new flame is because you don't want to... because you want it to work so badly after trying for the last 201+ times.  You ignore all the red flags.  You jump in head first.  With all your raging hormones going full speed ahead, before you know it, all their crazy seeps out... and your new flame... goes up in flames.  Love is blind, after all.  And there is that thing that you do... going after the bad boys.  You know it won't end well, but it doesn't stop you and you're still surprised when you get burned.

We all come across people in our lives that, 'on paper', you should fall madly in love.  They are the good guys, but the problem is you don't have that spark.  And you can't force it.  It just has to happen.  It's funny, too, with our friends... that more match-making doesn't go on.  I don't know if it's because people are afraid to get involved and have it blow up in their faces or come back on them... or they don't want to see you happy... or why... but rarely does someone come to you saying "boy, do I have a great guy for you".  They think you are a wonderful person and feel the same about their friend, but it just doesn't click to bring the two people together. 

Recently, I brought two very dear friends of mine together and I am happy to say that it seems to be going well.  A push here and a nudge there, and they seem to be off to a good start.  Two of the best guys I know... they deserve happiness. 

I don't need a lot at this point... an Andy Griffith marathon on AMC... a nice piece of butter-rum hard-tack candy... some underwears that don't ride up... regularity, maybe...  but the thing that I want most in life is for my friends to be happy.  It brings me great joy... and I hope that, with this match, their spark turns into a flame... and doesn't go up in one.  Now (from the Yenta initiation gift catalog), whether to pick the toaster, the tin of popcorn... or the set of lace doilies?  Better go with the toaster... the cats will shred the doilies and the popcorn will get stuck in my dentures.

Seasons in the Sun

The cycle of a tree is much like that of our lives.  From it's birth and blooming in Spring, to it's green growth period in Summer, to it's mature colorful blossoms of Fall before it's dying in Winter, trees have many of the same characteristics as we do as people, and could describe the cyclical nature of relationships or friendships as well.

It's amazing to take a drive and be at some scenic overlook high above and look down on a forest of greenery in the Summer, but it's Fall when you really notice the different kinds of trees standing beside one another, each bringing their own different shapes and sizes of leaves, their vibrant color, height and the many other characteristics that makes them unique.

Conversely, people share many of the same characteristics as trees, plants and flowers...  maybe they...

- stand tall and proud, like a Sequoia
- are mighty, like a Red Wood
- are strong, like an Oak
- bend/go with the flow, like a Reed
- need much attention, like a Bonsai
- weep, like a Willow
- are dense, like Bamboo
- bloom, like a Rose
- are constant, like an Evergreen
- are shady, like a Maple
- bear fruit, like an Apple
- are flaky, like a Birch
- need a partner, like a Dogwood
- are solitary, like the Lone Pine
- are sweet, like the Sugar Maple

One of my favorite books is the Giving Tree.  It's about a boy and his favorite tree and their relationship over the life of the boy.  The tree would do anything for the boy (much like a mother would) and, over time, gives the boy fruit to eat and sell, a branch to swing on and build a house, shade from the sun and it's trunk to build a boat.  In the end, when the boy is an old man, he goes to the tree, which is now just a stump and, having nothing left to give the boy, gives him a place to sit down and rest.  The tree gave everything it had.

Depending on from whose perspective you look, it's a story of the ultimate unconditional love, albeit perhaps not a fair one and one-sided.  The boy asks too much of the tree but the tree gives and gives because it makes it happy when the boy is happy.  At it's most outward appearance, it makes the boy look selfish, taking everything from the tree, but if you look deeper, you realize that making the boy happy is all the tree wanted.  Sometimes, things have different values to different people.  Planting trees under which you don't expect to sit... the key to life... is putting forth effort into something because you want to... not because you expect some reward... which, in turn, becomes your reward. 

Winter can be depressing with no leaves on the trees and less sun, with the days shorter and darker.  Maybe it's at the darkest time in your life that you need the people around you and instead of being there for you, they leave you.  People come in an out of your life like the seasons.  Some come and go, but it's the strongest of friendships that are deeply-rooted.  Like a tree, they stand by you, provide support and comfort and grow along with you.  The cycle doesn't end in a true friendship... there's always a next year, each being a ring in the story.